Dog Wedding, formal attire required

This is how I officially know my life is in the crapper. The highlight of my week was watching a dog wedding on the Real Housewives of New York. Yeah, I watched the real housewives of New York, Beverly Hills, New Jersey and Orange County but not any of the other ones because I'm too classy.
I'm even friends with one of the former cast and her husband on Facebook, from which season do some research and find out you lazy asshole! Besides I have to do something to fill my time besides sleeping til noon, going to the doctor's and writing this blog and sports stories for free. Oh and lets not forget my ever worsening gambling addiction. And all the money I lose to that, I've helped a lot of Native American children go to college. And drink fire water. Look it up cause I know anyone who reads this doesn't know what that is. Sad? You bet it is!

Anyways back to the dog wedding, um yeah I don't even know where to begin. First of all it was the daughter of some famous social media animal called the Fat Jew. Because that's not offensive or anything, and trust me if there is one thing I know is how to offend people. But hey at least my sister is finally talking to me again. It was marrying some other random dog, apparently their names were Toast and Finn. I was just informed of this by The Mom and I hate her for not only knowing this but remembering it. Anyways that wasted another 30 seconds of my life that were important. One of the dogs legit looked MR its tongue was constantly sticking out, oh and the bride and groom each had bridesmaids and groomsmen! What the fuck did these dogs do to deserve this? There was also 200-300 guests at this damn wedding... seriously did they pick these two random ass dogs?? I'm pretty sure one of the dogs owners is the daughter of Patty Hearst. I'm starting to understand why her mom pretended to be kidnapped in the 70's so she could rob banks and get attention from her family. Fucking Christ look what her daughter does for attention! She charges $150.00 a ticket to watch 2 dogs get married. And it was really nice ass wedding. Like the Mom is jealous! Vogue Magazine covered it I'm not kidding! They even had some famous gossip columnist officiate the wedding, and a famous fashion designer walked the bride down the aisle because the Fat Jew had a prior commitment. What the fuck was this dog doing that he couldn't attend his own daughter's wedding? No wonder his daughter is such a bitch HAHA get it?

The Mom just informed me the fashion designer was apparently the dog's God Father. I still hate her for knowing this and what religion are you practicing that your pet needs a God Father? I'm now taking applications for Miley, Flappy and Charlie's god parents. Also if anyone would like to pay $150.00 for a ticket I will happily marry Miley to Charlie (she likes him better but I'm pretty sure that Charlie prefers Flappy if you know what I mean) but seriously is this what rich people do in New York? Sure we have children starving to death, women being sexually assaulted daily and our own version of Hitler about to be elected as President, but fuck it lets throw down 6 figures on a dog wedding. They claimed the money went to charity but I;m guessing that charity was something really stupid like sending blankets to freezing children in Africa. IF YOU DON'T GET THAT JOKE KILL YOURSELF!!

Is it just me or does the bitch in the corner look like the MR dog? She's a cast member and she wanted cake... yes there was a beautiful cake at this wedding as pictured above and that stupid broad just started eating it before it was even cut and served. Way to be classy! Is it wrong I'm hoping it was a cake for the dogs and not for human consumption? It would be doing the world a favor, getting rid of some reality TV stars!

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate living in CT? The Wife says shes moving to North Carolina in 4-5 months so if that happens I'm so outta here. But I don't care if it is an assisted living/nursing home in NC or my dream state of Florida I've taken all I can from this stupid state and I can't take anymore! Yeah truthfully I will probably live in some state run facility in Crapnecticut sitting in my own waste 2-3 days at a time while I get fed the occasional pudding or Jello cup. But whatever it has to be better than living in Cheshire. Today when I was driving through this stupid town I saw a guy around my age legit staring into a post office box! uh WTF? I'm not sure exactly what he was doing but whatever you dropped in there sir ain't coming back. Unless you plan on sitting around all day today and possibly tomorrow waiting for the mail person to show up and open it. Or you try to get in there and steal packages? With all the trust fund kids in this town he probably has nothing else better to do than wait around to steal packages out of the post office box to feed his drug habit. Either that or he's talking to his best friend Smitty the mailbox troll that only he can see and hear! Don't worry dude the drugs will get to your friend in prison. The bad part is you put your return address on it and when the CO's open it they will just pocket it and sell it to your friend at a much higher price. What I watch a lot of Orange is the New Black and Law and Order so I know how these things work.

Finally, I saw this the other day and I have been needing to write about it. It is called Mac and Cheetos. It is as disgusting as it sounds. It is Cheetos stuffed with macaroni and cheese. Yep, it is from Burger King so I'm pretty sure I got diarrhea just thinking about it. No wonder they found horse meat in their hamburgers years ago... but hey at least now I know what happened to the horse that my uncle in South Carolina owned.  Eww I just grossed myself out on that one. All this being said because I'm fat and disgusting I'm totally gonna have to try it. So the day after I try it you will know why I'm in the hospital again with an extreme intestinal infection. I won't be able to blame Jake's Wayback Burger this time for my terrible dietary choices. I'm starting to figure out how I got Diabetes now I'm off to eat my McDonald's for dinner thanks to The Mom. My workers take such great care of me!

 Below is my dinner for this evening:

METS

I haven't posted in a while, did you miss me America? Probably not. Sometimes I wonder if anybody besides maybe my mom and sister and the wife depending on how she's feeling about me that day would.  Breaking news: I finally got a new bed. I'm gunna party like it's 1999. Except I'm not going to die of a drug overdose like Prince. Too soon? I mean come on, the guy legally changed his name to a symbol when I was a kid, is anybody really surprised he died of a drug overdose? But yeah, my bed basically still looks the same but it's a lot higher and quieter. Now I just gotta get the wife to break it in with me. Bow Chicka Wow wooow. Sorry for everyone who just read that and had to picture it.

Even though I'm a jinx, I have a 20 game ticket plan to the Mets this season. Boy what a cluster fuck that is turning out to be. I made the mom cry on the way to the game on Saturday night. What? I thought she missed the exit cuz she was driving too fast. Who would of thought she'd get mad when I said if you weren't driving 90 fucking miles an hour maybe I could have read the exit sign. Luckily our exit was after that one anyways. What? You would be scared too if you got stuck in the ghettos of New York in a 2005 cripple minivan. Shows how rarely I fight with her that just yelling at her made her cry. That conversation is just a typical afternoon with the wife who I fought with earlier in the day. Why? I don't remember. But I don't think I'll be breaking my new bed in with her anytime soon.

Well, truthfully I was really annoyed that day because everyone who currently works for me does not want to seem to work the overnight shifts anymore. Big boobs McGee doesn't want to work overnights because it interferes with her alcoholism and rave schedule. The creepy Canadian is always spazing out about school or at school, the mom is probably helping her child recover from some gross poop disease again or I don't even fucking know. Lets not forget Gimpy who decided to take a 3 week vacation to Spain with a guy she barely knew before he left for 6 months and didn't even want to go but was too cheap to waste her money. But yeah her and awkward turtle decided to be on vacation at the same time during the last week of June. Well, by some miracle I got the wife to do two overnights that week and the mom to do two, I guess her kids poop disease won't be contagious then. But then of course, just when I thought I had it all figured out, the mom has to go to two different doctors appointments during the day on Monday and Tuesday that week and Big Boobs McGee will eventually start doing those shifts every week but she has to go on one last bender first. And you already know I burned too many bridges with people who worked for me in the past to ask them to temporarily fill in for a day or two. So yeah, I freaked out a little bit when awkward turtle asked me to cover her overnight for tonight on Friday night at about 10'oclock. Then I wake up the next morning to hippie love child telling me she can't do the Thursday overnight the week that Gimpy and Turtle aren't here. Hippie love child, you work on average 10 hours a week. Yes to be fair during the school year you're a full time occupational therapy college student from QU that never would want to give up partying and drinking on the weekends. But you really never do any overnights during the school year but I understand your program keeps you busy. However, it is the summer and yes your doing an internship at the psych ward at a hospital in Waterbury (not surprised) but there's no way you are busy every night during the summer. I'm only asking you to do that one Thursday overnight because I have literally no one else to ask. But I should have expected it, this is the girl that is willing to come at 3 to take me to a Mets game at 7pm, but wants to leave when I get back at around midnight, but then wants to work the next day from 9am to 4pm. So you don't want to get paid to sleep? You want to drive home to get about 8 hours of sleep unpaid so you can come back and work 7 more hours? Does this make sense to anyone else? Also, today I was talking to her about when the wife had blonde hair and keep in mind they have met several times, but when I was trying to show her where a picture of the wife was in my room with Blonde hair, she did not recognize her. Um, hippie love child you have seen the wife before correct? Like you actually have eyes that work? But I'm not a hippie love child so what do I know. So yeah, I kind of lost it and texted all my workers that unless they plan on training my cats to take care of me at night, if they are not going to want overnight shifts anymore, then can they recommend someone who might want to work for me? Radio silence, except maybe the mom's stepsister. Now am I surprised? Nah. Whenever they need something I have to drop everything and accommodate or I'm a huge asshole. But when I ask for favors from any of them, I'm lucky if they would call 911 if I was choking to death. 

Anyway back to the Mets game, of course they lost because they always lose when I go. After the game though there was a concert with Andy Grammer. Over the public address system, they encouraged fans to move down to the empty seats at the field level. On my way over to one of the cripple sections on the field level there was a drunk douche guy dancing to meet the Mets. Now I know that's a rocking song but right as I get near him he decides to start doing the worm, and if I hadn't stopped at the last second we could have found out if he was perfectly cut in half if he would grow back. If it hadn't been for the drunk nasty bitches with him yelling I probably would have crushed his head. And that's why you don't do the worm at a Mets game. Then as the mom went to move the chain blocking off the entire EMPTY wheelchair section some old geezer seat attendant comes running over yelling "can I see your tickets!" Um first of all they told people to move down because by the time the concert started the stadium was pretty empty. Second of all, there was literally nooobody sitting in that section. I know your still mad at the Japanese for Pearl Harbor and the mom and I are German, but it doesn't mean you have to be a seating Nazi. So after I basically said fuck you to him we try sitting in a different section on the field level that was also empty of wheelchairs and the usher there wasn't going to let us sit there either... luckily his supervisor was there and waved us through. Guys, its a concert after the 8'Oclock baseball game, that didn't even start until 11:30 and half the fans left before the concert even started. On top of that your public address announcer told everyone to move down to the empty field level seats. Is your job that important to you that you can't let a disabled guy and a mom sit in a completely empty wheelchair section for some two-hit wonder concert. No offense to Andy Grammer actually didn't mind what I saw at the show. But I'm definitely more excited for the Styx concert after a game I'm going to in August. Finally, props to the lady who kept having to say ow the whole elevator ride down after I barely backed into her leg on the elevator. Maybe if you weren't a fat piece of shit you could have taken the stairs and then you wouldn't have gotten run over by me. Elevators are for the elderly, those with little children, and the disabled. Everyone else is just a fat lazy piece of shit and that is why the United States is the fattest country in the world! Take the stairs, it will help your type 11 diabetes and burn off some of the calories from the 10 dollar beers you drank and 5 dollar rat, I mean hot dogs  you ate. What? The 7 train is right by Citi field and you know instead of pig those hot dogs at the stadium are probably made out of subway rats. And with that beautiful thought, goodnight world! I forgot, check out this sexy photo of me.  Now you know how I won the wife over. Yeah they serve french fries in those helmets and then you rinse it out and keep it. I think this one lady thought I was MR and asked me if I wanted it... hell yeah I'll take anything that's free especially if you're feeling sorry for me.

Asian Spoon World Tour

This is the beautiful new shirt that I made for myself and will eventually buy.

I know none of you simple minded folks get it. See what happened was back in my days of pretending to be Lip Gallagher from the Showtime show Shameless or at least the actor who played him on Twitter a "fan" asked me to send a picture of him holding a spoon. Well, the best I could come up with when I searched for it on Google images was a picture of an Asian lady holding a spoon. Why this came up when I was searching Lip Gallagher holding a spoon on Shameless I have no idea. But when the mom and I went to save the image I named it Asian Spoon and she thought it would be a great name for a band. I then made a status on facebook asking if anyone wanted to join the new band I was starting called Asian Spoon and that I would be playing the triangle, blowing into empty jugs and ramming a gong with my chair. Well one of my friends thought I was serious and wanted to play whatever instrument he wanted to play in the band. Hopefully I didn't break his heart but I'm not sure how he thought I was starting a band when I can't even move my arms. By the way all the names on the back of that shirt are actual names of towns in the USA. And back by popular demand fresh off their record shattering world tour comes Asian Spoon tour t-shirts. If you are not smart or cool enough to know who the mudcrutches are then sucks to be you. Seriously I cannot wait to wear this shirt and have random people/ workers ask me who Asian Spoon is? My response will be WTF is wrong with you??? You don't know who Asian Spoon is??? And then I can laugh to myself when the person says oh do they sing that song and I can lie and say yes and laugh to myself because I know they are just lying to sound cool.

I went to Mohegan Sun last night and before people bitch I had free concert tickets and a free room. I actually had a pretty sweet view from my room... here is a picture.

I went and saw Peter Frampton, who still sounds good and can play guitar like few others despite being old as hell haa. Or at least he looks old as hell. Seriously look up Frampton Comes Alive album cover and then look up what he looks like now. For those that don't know an album is what music used to come on before CDS and for those who don't know what a CD is press your call button and I will come hit you over the head with a hammer and knock you out because you are a retarrrrrrrddd. But seriously I guarantee your parents if not your grandparents have a copy of that album because pretty much everyone who was alive then bought a copy of it. I was just impressed that I went with awkward turtle and she actually knew one of his songs! Seriously this girl didn't even know what Saved By The Bell was so I'm surprised she knew any of his songs. The highlight of the trip though was seeing a guy being dragged out of the casino in handcuffs with four cops around him.  I don't know what he did but I'm just happy it wasn't me being arrested and dragged out of the casino because that place makes me so angry.

Speaking of angry the Wife did her usual not show up for work once a week on Saturday. Wish I or any of my other workers were surprised but we are pretty used to it at this point. That's okay on Thursday I am going to have Big Boobs Mcgee show up at 3:30 so when the wife shows up at 4 for her shift I won't be around and when she tries to get a hold of me she won't be able to just like she always ignores me on her phone. Don't worry she won't read this because if it's not on her phone or in front of her face she won't even know it exists. There are two types of people that work for me, ones that actually want to help me because they are nice, and ones that help me so they can hear other people tell them how nice they are. The wife likes to think shes the first kind but I hate to break it to you toots you are the second kind! But thanks to her I got drunk on Saturday worse then Vegas black out drunk. I drank half a bottle of Captain Morgan, no not straight up, I am classier than that so I mixed it with coke zero. What? I have diabetes so I had to be healthy about my black out drunk. Apparently I snapped chatted and texted pretty much every contact in my phone a bunch of random garbage but hey I have no clue wtf I said. Sooo oh well. The only thing I felt bad for was pissing my pants, shirt and bed and then having the Creepy Canadian have to clean it up. At least I didn't tell her she was a bitch with no friends and that everyone was going to hate her at her new job like I did to my worker in Vegas who for some reason was looking to fly home early that weekend.

Fucking Bane

Sure it's 2016, and the Dark Knight came out in 2012 but I made the mistake of some how doing one good impression of Bane aka the bad guy in the Dark Knight movie and now Gimpy will not let it go until she can send a snap video of it to her diggery doo playing brother and the Mom. I can not Bane on command Gimpy what do you want from me? Seriously though Gimpy's brother is my hero... one time he threw a picture frame at her head and cracked it open and Gimpy being the disgusting cripple she is decided its ok to piss your pants and sit in it but it is not ok to get stitches at the hospital so instead she had her mom superglue the cut together. Her brother also screams loud profanity at her when he is hungry, calls and yells are you fucking kidding me when its raining out when she can not pick him up from the bus, oh and swears at their mom when he gets bad grades because its somehow their fault. Plus Gimpy's parents had a great idea of buying this kid a diggery doo yea we dont know how to spell it so every time he gets pissed off he scares the family dog and plays the diggery doo as loud and long as he can. Gimpy's dog is from Australia but cant handle an instrument native to that continent because that makes sense. Why on Earth did Mr. and Mrs. Gimpy's parents decide this was a good idea? I have no idea but this kid is my fucking hero he is just as big of an asshole as I was when I was 13. Wait I still am an asshole minus the diggery doo.

So just when I thought could not get anymore disgusting she out did herself yesterday. Being the genius that she is, she let the hand held shower head fall over. Now brace yourself and PLEASEEEEE remove small children from the room before you projectile vomit on them. I also recommend removing any small animals that you might have. If you thought what she said last week was bad this week was worse. On top of always remembering where I was on 9/11 and when she said those vile disgusting words last week, yesterday was like the day I found out McDonalds discontinued the Mc-rib. After the shower head sprayed her she yelled the most obscene not safe for work or television thing when she said, "ehhhhh I am SO WET!"  Maybe people who like kissing shoulders or murder/raping people in Spain wanna hear these vile most disgusting things but it does not do anything for this cripple! Even though Gimpy is writing this she just got the joke. Then to top it off, today she sends me a snapchat of her packing before Spain. Why she is bothering to pack when she will probably die on the air plane, by the hands of her boyfriend or by ISIS I do not know. Actually, I take that back it will probably be a cast away situation where everyone thinks she is dead but then five years later surprise she is still alive! She was just stuck on an island and her best friend/ new boyfriend is a volleyball named Wilson! Some how she will make herself a raft and what is left of her limbs, roll her way onto it and paddle with ore made out of her flip flops with her teeth until some Somali pirates find her! Instead of Captain Philips it will be Captain Gimpy... At least the Navy seals will help save her by shooting everyone around her so she could be further traumatized by being afraid of go-karts airplanes and ships! She should just get her own reality show but I am pretty sure the movie called Trainwreck was about her. Anyway back to the snap, not sure why she sent it to me especially when you hear what was in it. Next to Gimpy's ugly clothes and shoes was the hot tan grandma bra that every girl owns and every guy hates. Seriously one time I wanted to do stuff with the wife until I saw she was wearing one of those beauts and then I took a hard pass. And yep I really turned that down. I know Gimpy is afraid of getting raped but if she is wearing that I do not think she will have to worry about it! It has about as much sex-appeal as Betty White. My blogs are going to be so boring for three weeks without her adventures. Hopefully she will some how survive and not lose another foot, so I will have more stories in July.

Finally I thought I was an asshole until I went to the work meeting on Monday night for the New Britain Independent. I could definitely tell I was not in Cheshire anymore because people kept racing street bikes up the street during our meeting so I could not even hear what was being said. Eww I am turning into my Dad and complaining about loud noises pretty soon I will be yelling out the window telling them to slow down! I fit right in though because I found a scratch ticket on the side of the road which of course I made my worker pick up. Turns out whoever left it there had the same idea I did they scratched off the bar code and scanned it to see if it was a winner but no luck I should have known better. At least they will start paying us after the BBQ fundraiser we are having at a park in New Britain on the 25th. Pretty sure a bug flew in my eye when I left the building, but with my luck since it was a New Britain bug it is probably laying eggs in my eye and brain as we speak. Also, not sure but the New Britain Independent is a news website but when I went to go into the building it said it was a law office on the sign outside. Then, when I opened the door if I had the right place everyone looked at me like I was crazy and said yes. Ok, I know this is low budget project for now but how the fuck was I supposed to know that a law office building was now home to the Independent. Hopefully they will be putting up a sign soon. However it gets better. Not only were the landlords and some random guy who only spoke polish doing construction during our meeting, so again it was impossible to hear anything but at one point the front door opens... and standing there is a middle aged African American man just staring at everyone. I being the idiot that I am thought he was one of the writers or editors showing up really late...nope because as soon as he saw the 8 of us sitting there he said oh sorry closed the door and walked away. Not sure if he was there to rob the place, look for a lawyer, or help with the construction but as far as I can tell he walked away and never came back to the building. It was not weird or awkward or anything. I can tell the other people from the meeting are from New Britain because they did not even think twice about it, but I am fairly certain I missed being on one of those murder mystery shows on ID network by about ten seconds. Apparently though the people in the meeting said I contribute the most stories and they really like what I write. Who would have thought between that and this beautiful blog anyone would read anything I write. Now only if I could make some money off of it. But anyways while we were at the meeting they were telling one of the writers different churches in New Britain that he could write profile pieces on. After talking about one of them, one of the ladies in the meeting said oh yea the guy who runs that church is a drunk and his son killed himself last year. Jeez I thought I was heartless but I would not say that! Everyone was just kind of awkwardly looking at her and then the editor said to the guy yea do not put that in your story.  Later haters!  By the way Gimpy tried to teach me who Tyga is but  I do not know what I am assuming he is after to listening to one of his stupid songs I do not want to know. Seriously dude how much of a gangster rapper can you be if you dated Kylie Jenner pretty sure that gives you about as much street cred as Vanilla Ice had! Here is a Tyga allegedly...

 

Swamp ass vs. Mud butt

Anytime I go anywhere with Gimpy it never fails to be a long strange adventure. Why I do not know but we attract freaks like a frisbee with stagnant water attracts mosquitoes with Zika virus. Plus my new name for Gimpy is Helen Keller because if I had a dime for every time she said what or I can not see that I would be a fucking billionaire. Some examples from today on the way home I was trying to tell which highway to take and she said west or east so I asked which city does it say and she said west.... what???? So I had to scream go towards Waterbury so we did not end up in hard hittin New Britain getting shot. Plus on the way there she kept saying stay to the left towards New Britain? I think I had to yell  no stay to the right three times, before she finally got it even after the split in the highway she still asked if we should have gone left. Then there was all the lovely people we saw at West Farms mall. First there was Bob Marley's white cousin working at the apple store, in between bong rips he told us we had to wait in the back. Then in between listening to screaming children which I loath, someone came over to us looking to help Mark. Yep that is still not my name turns out he was talking about Helen Keller's dad. Why Gimpy did not realize this and say that it is us I still do not know when he looked right at her when he said it but apparently she does not know her own fathers name, people on the Maury show have the same problems. Plus while I was waiting I had to hear about Gimpy's armpit drama  because that's not disgusting or anything! Yep while we are sitting in the middle of the apple store she made me stare into hairy hairy armpit to see what was wrong, much to my disgust there was an inch big red lump there. I am guessing it is an ingrown hair or cyst and she went all Wife on me and told me we had to rush to the emergency room because she might have cancer. Pretty sure cancer of the pit is not a thing, but she insist it is lymph node cancer from her deodorant. Also, for those wondering it still hurts and she is still bitching about it while we are writing this. Dude I know you are going to Europe but that does not mean you need to have hairy pits like every other girl in Europe. I know you are trying to turn off your boyfriend...well you are doing a great job so far! Maybe that is because she is too busy getting shoulder kissed by other boys. I shit you not that this is a true story I had the misfortune of hearing right before I wrote this. For some reason she decided to tell me on her hot date last night.... you remember the one she had to buy the movie for that she pretended to own... That the 6'5" guy was getting no piece of Gimpy's 5 foot 80 lbs BONEY ass last night. Therefore, when the night came to its awkward end, because I just assume everyday with Gimpy is awkward as fuck, he went to kiss her and she went to hug him and some how ended up kissing her on the shoulder. Then to make it more embarrassing she gave him a nice atta boy pat on his back... I am really starting to see why her and Awkward Turtle are friends. I imagine this is the shit that happens when Awkward Turtle when she hangs out with her boyfriend because they are about the same heights as Gimpy and Shoulder kisser. Was I this weird and annoying when I was 23? Do not answer that it is probably a yes. Oh and I forgot to mention Gimpy has horrible taste in clothing. She dragged me into some store where it looked like the left over wardrobe from The Brady Bunch was being sold. Seriously she picked out two articles of clothing that I am pretty sure my Mom wore in her high school yearbook, oh yea I forgot to mention that my Mom graduated in 1976. Considering my workers think I went to sleep away camp in the 1980's and high school in 1990 I would not to say they do not have the best choices in decision making. For the record I was four when the 80's ended and five in 1990 so I do not think I was at sleep away camp or high school. Finally I do not know what was going on at the mall but on my way to go shop at Spanx (yes that really is a store in there, they sell underwear to large women HOT) I drove by more gay men and people that smelt like WEED then I have in my entire life. Was there a phish or DMB concert going on near by? I felt like I was in P-town in Cape Cod all over again! Here is a picture of me at Spanx!

Yep there was awkward people during the mall trip. First, when I went to the Disney store to find the Mom a gift for her son because he is getting baptized on Sunday, some DILF was checking out Gimpy... I am not explaining what a DILF is... Also I did not say he was a DILF these were Gimpy's words. Also, if the Wife and I do not catch on fire when we go to church for the baptism it will be a God Damn miracle! Anyway back to Gimpy because that is all she cares about, apparently they let the little brats play trivia every Friday night at the Disney store. Did I mention the Disney store stands for everything I hate? Whining annoying kids running around everywhere spreading their germs and poop particles while screaming they want more juice and the Elsa dress.... Let it go already nobody wants to build a fucking snowman! Anyways Gimpy claims that the DILF was giving her come hither eyes while his brat was playing trivia,  but do not worry ladies he was not wearing a wedding ring, Gimpy proudly told me! So now I have name this couple Glimpy he was also about 6 feet tall so I hope he has been practicing his shoulder kisses. Do not worry Gimpy does not want to be an instamom she just wants to be a hoe fo sho! If it is one thing I know about it is hoes and I have a lot to teach her, first they do a lot more then shoulder kisses, second they dress more like the strippers I know from Hollywood then my lesbian gym teacher from elementary school but that's right miss. lesbian gym teacher from elementary school I called you out of the closet to bad I can not remember your name, it is fine I am sure you were already out anyways! By the way did I mention Gimpy thinks she is going on a second date with the shoulder kisser. Um NO Miss. Margarita (not her real last name do not worry) he just said he wants to take you out to dinner on Monday because he still feels awkward about how the night ended. He does not really want to go out with you again he just said that to cover up how bad their first date was. It is like that credit card commercial where the lady says I am going to take two full days to respond and the guy says I wont answer with a short confusing response... Dude if you two go out again all you are going to be thinking about the whole time is the awkward shoulder kiss/ atta boy pat on the back yep this relationship is DONE please do not try prolonging it by artificial means it just wants to die naturally with a little bit of pride.  Also, when Gimpy was in another hippie Brady Bunch memorabilia store, I decided to wait in the mall because the store was to tiny for my giant chair. Well I must have looked like a lost MR child because some women who I think was actually younger then me came running up to me and yelled "Are you GOOD?!" first of all way to butcher the english language... Second of all what makes you think I am in distress with my pimp ring, black slippers covered in cat hair, head rest that is down way too low and handicap lives matter t-shirt... Oh wait I think I get it now! Luckily I was able to convince her I was just waiting for Gimpy in the hippie store before she flagged down mall security! Maybe she was concerned for me or maybe she just wanted a piece of this I am sure it was the second one! But really I can not blame her I am FINE I am quite the catch living at my moms house at 30 sleeping in the same bed that I have been sleeping in since I was 13, in room that Flappy pees in the vents in with my business and job that very rarely actually pay me, and lets not forget to throw in the horrible gambling problem and $10,000 in credit card debt! Yea not sure why the Wife puts up with me!

I almost forgot to mention the crazy lady that took five minutes to give us Burger King coupons while Gimpy was Squawking at me in front of Subway! She wanted me to get Subway me fat ass wanted to get Burger King so I got both! Now why this lady was carrying around Burger King coupons at the mall and why she wanted to give them to us I do not know, but I never turn down free food. Now I am probably going to end up at Midstate Medical center tonight with ecoli or food poisoning again because first of all BK smelt like human ass not cow ass actual human ass.. second the guy that prepared my food had long dirty fingernails and no gloves on when preparing my food! But yep I am not going to turn down my buy one get one free Whopper when I waited five minutes for that buy one get one free coupon. Plus I had to get onion rings and zesty sauce and God help you Gimpy if you forgot to get me my Zesty sauce. I love that shit so much I would bathe in it and BK onion rings taste like ass without it but that is pretty much their whole menu!

Finally there is the most disgusting traumatizing thing I ever written about in this blog and that is saying something. If there are little children reading this you might want to cover their eyes. Actually no fuck that if you are that horrible of a parent to let your child read this then they deserve to read this disgusting filth I am about to write! Gimpy always likes to tell me how she has swamp ass, for those who do not know it means when you have a sweaty stinky ass!Why is she always telling me this I do not know but it is probably the reason why I texted my mom and all my workers yesterday to tell them if I was able to I would be packing a bag and driving God knows where and that none of them would ever hear from or see me again! Do not remember what we were talking about when we pulled into the driveway but like 9/11 I will remember when and what I was wearing when this horrible event happened. Gimpy uttered the most vile disgusting phrase I ever heard come out of her mouth and that is saying something and I pray the Wife never reads this. When I politely reminded her that she is the one that always says she has swamp ass, IT HAPPENED!  I am sorry America but this is what Gimpy said, "how would you know? Are you in my pants right now!" Dear God not shoulder kisser, not the BTK killer, and especially not me EVERRRRR want to be in your pants did you see that nasty sunburn photo I posted in my blog last week... I am thinking about bringing Gimpy on judge Judy now to pay for my mental and emotional distress! Yep she peed her pants while I was writing this goodnight America! 

Towel in Toilet

Yep, I found a towel half in the toilet and half hang off the hamper in my bathroom today! I shit you not I think it was a metaphor for my life. Sometimes my life is not that bad and other times it is complete crap in the toilet. Either that or it symbolizes the people who work for me, half of them are pretty decent, and the other half probably belong in the toilet with the towel. I will let you read my whole blog to let you figure out which ones are towel toilets. Here is a picture... ok I stole it off google, because Gimpy was too stupid to take a picture of it. But it is a pretty close reenactment!

Speaking of the Ol' Gimpster yea she is still alive and kicking some how, she is the Grim Reaper or Angel of Death I am not KIDDING! This chick has been to more funerals then my Grandma this year and my Grandma is 83 and Gimpy is 23... What the actual fuck most of them were for people who were still teenagers or still in their twenties! What kind of crazy crack heads is she hanging out with?!? I swear to God when I go to the Mets game with her in July we are going to be part of a terrorist attack by ISIS, but do not worry though some how Gimpy will survive she might lose another arm or leg but the flying pieces of my wheel chair and body will only damage not kill her! Well at least she will have another funeral to go to! Hopefully they will be able to reattach it like they did with her foot! Speaking of Ol' Gimpy being the Angel of Death, this is the nice email I wrote to Pat's Pools after they tried to kill Gimpy and I today.... 

Hello,

My name is Robert Held, I just wanted to make you aware that one of your trucks almost killed myself and my worker today. It was around 6:45 pm by the light near Opticare in Cheshire Ct. I have a physical disability so I have my assistance drive me around and when we were going through a green light, one of your trucks was turning right and did not even stop just pulled out right in front of us and almost T-boned us. While I do not have a pool this is not exactly the way I wanted to get one delivered on top of me. Luckily for you there was nobody in the lane next to us so we were able to swerve and avoid your truck. Next time you might want to talk to your drivers about road safety, unless you would like the negative publicity of killing a disabled man, along with a massive law suit. Yea if I ever get a pool I will make sure not to use you guys. Have a lovely day.

Your Pal in Christ,

Robert A. Held

Yes, that is really what I wrote word for word! The van just got fixed and is not shaking, rattling and rolling anymore and I almost got drowned by a truck full of pool water actually with my luck I would have been a hood ornament! Not Gimpy though she may have lost another chunk of foot but she would have been just fine! I am not kidding the way were heading the passenger side of the van would have slammed right into the grill of the truck who wants grilled cripple? Thank God good Ol' Gimpy drives slower then my Grandma and nobody was in the lane next to us and she decided not to be retarded for once and swerved into the other lane, ew that is as nice as I can be writing about her!

Then it got better some how I survived the Grim Reaper driving me to the mall, only to have something weird happen while we were there. Yea we were there  because Gimpy had to buy a movie she pretended to own to impress some hipster tool she is going out with tomorrow despite having a boyfriend waiting for her arrival in Spain for three weeks. See Gimps wants to dump him but is too much of a Jew bag to waste the money she spent booking this trip, so she is bringing her brother along as a cock block and that is not disgustingly disturbing or anything. Seriously she is, she decided to share with me today that he asked if they were going to have sex and she said NO! Why the fuck are you telling me this shit Gimpy.... but you know she also said because of that her whatever the fuck he is will probably rape and murder her like she was reporting the weather forecast to me. It will partly sunny and 80 degrees in Spain today with a 20% chance of boyfriend rape/murder later in the day, back to you at the news desk Pat! But then she freaks out at me when out of spite I told her I got my freak on today with the Wife! Guess Gimpy dont like sex talk but she can tell me these things and how she had a porno made in front of her like it is no big deal!

Anyway, when we got to the mall we got attacked by a human highlighter! Seriously this dude looked like a highlighter, his body shape was that of a highlighter and it did not help that he was wearing a bright yellow shirt and a winter hat cause on June 1st when it is 80 degrees out you really need that winter hat! Now I saw him talking to Gimpy so I got grossed out because I thought he was hitting on her so I purposely stayed far away. Apparently, he was trying to get her to pay cash for a gift card but dude like that is the oldest scam in the book. If you were trying to hit on her that was the best you could come up with?! Then to make it even creepier he said if she changed her mind to come find him and he would take her to the back of the store for the exchange. Pretty sure that is how horror movies start! It did not help that he said back of the store. Then to really make Gimpy attracted to him he kept following us everywhere we went in the store. Granted I am not the best at picking up women, still do not know why the Wife wants me, but I do know stalking them around Best Buy with a gift card scam is probably not going to make them fall in love with you, it might get them to file a restraining order! Do not worry Gimpy has a stalker and has a restraining order out! Yep its not a lie because at 15 Gimpy have a creepy 40 year old man follow her home in his pickup... I am surprised he did not offer her free candy and asked if she can help him find his lost puppy.... Do not worry Gimpy would have jumped right in, but I do not think he would have killed her probably just kept her in his basement as sex slave until Gimpy cut off her foot and escaped after 10 years, after her family had lost hope and had her declared legally dead! This is what he looks like! I am not scared at all!

So in our escape from human highlighter winter hat from Best Buy Gimpy had to hop on the back of my chair because she can not run. I had to go as fast as my chair would let me so he would not follow us! In our escape Gimpy got so scared she peed her pants and spit purple ice cream on my head! This is what I get for being nice and letting her stop to get ice cream... I shit you not there were purple dots in my scalp and I was traumatized because I am a germaphobe! Speaking of that the Mom got mad at me today because her son has hand foot and mouth disease, yup some how Gimpy got that too! The Mom got mad when she told me and I texted back "Ahh what the fuck are all you people doing that you keep getting it!" She said I was insensitive to her son. Hello have you met me I am a huge dick, I am sorry I do not want to be exposed to some highly contagious disease that you get from touching shit and touching your mouth or eyes! What are Gimpy and the mom doing with human shit, that all my workers and or their relatives are getting this nasty ass disease! Yes I feel bad for a little child but fuck no I do not want shit disease! I gots to get me a pedicure on Friday! Apparently my toe nails are like sharp daggers and Gimpy is making me get one from her friend that looks like Demi Lovato! The real question is do I go with clear or blue nail polish... pictures and blog post to follow because I am sure something weird will happen while I am with Gimpy! Luckily between my diabetes and poor circulation I can barely feel what is happening to my feet anyway! Also I am not sure what Gimpy was telling her friends about me but apparently they want me to test try acid for her before she flies to Spain! I did smoke two cigarettes at cripple camp when I was 13, got so drunk at the strip club one night that I puked on my worker the next morning and got black out drunk in Vegas to the point I went off on one of the girls and do not remember what I said... Lack of sleep plus lack of food plus Xanax plus lots of alcohol at a Vegas strip club will do that! But I have definitely never have done drugs especially molly or acid! I am pretty sure my lungs would collapse and my heart would explode cause you know a disease that weakens all your muscles might go really well with illegal drugs. Here is a picture of Gimpy and awkward turtle in the third grade... while I was in high school that is not creepy thinking about them working for me now!

I think you could now tell why I call her awkward turtle she is the one in the purple shirt and skirt. Congrats Gimpy for not peeing in your pants for this photo! She is the one next to Awkward Turtle.