So just when I thought could not get anymore disgusting she out did herself yesterday. Being the genius that she is, she let the hand held shower head fall over. Now brace yourself and PLEASEEEEE remove small children from the room before you projectile vomit on them. I also recommend removing any small animals that you might have. If you thought what she said last week was bad this week was worse. On top of always remembering where I was on 9/11 and when she said those vile disgusting words last week, yesterday was like the day I found out McDonalds discontinued the Mc-rib. After the shower head sprayed her she yelled the most obscene not safe for work or television thing when she said, "ehhhhh I am SO WET!" Maybe people who like kissing shoulders or murder/raping people in Spain wanna hear these vile most disgusting things but it does not do anything for this cripple! Even though Gimpy is writing this she just got the joke. Then to top it off, today she sends me a snapchat of her packing before Spain. Why she is bothering to pack when she will probably die on the air plane, by the hands of her boyfriend or by ISIS I do not know. Actually, I take that back it will probably be a cast away situation where everyone thinks she is dead but then five years later surprise she is still alive! She was just stuck on an island and her best friend/ new boyfriend is a volleyball named Wilson! Some how she will make herself a raft and what is left of her limbs, roll her way onto it and paddle with ore made out of her flip flops with her teeth until some Somali pirates find her! Instead of Captain Philips it will be Captain Gimpy... At least the Navy seals will help save her by shooting everyone around her so she could be further traumatized by being afraid of go-karts airplanes and ships! She should just get her own reality show but I am pretty sure the movie called Trainwreck was about her. Anyway back to the snap, not sure why she sent it to me especially when you hear what was in it. Next to Gimpy's ugly clothes and shoes was the hot tan grandma bra that every girl owns and every guy hates. Seriously one time I wanted to do stuff with the wife until I saw she was wearing one of those beauts and then I took a hard pass. And yep I really turned that down. I know Gimpy is afraid of getting raped but if she is wearing that I do not think she will have to worry about it! It has about as much sex-appeal as Betty White. My blogs are going to be so boring for three weeks without her adventures. Hopefully she will some how survive and not lose another foot, so I will have more stories in July.
Finally I thought I was an asshole until I went to the work meeting on Monday night for the New Britain Independent. I could definitely tell I was not in Cheshire anymore because people kept racing street bikes up the street during our meeting so I could not even hear what was being said. Eww I am turning into my Dad and complaining about loud noises pretty soon I will be yelling out the window telling them to slow down! I fit right in though because I found a scratch ticket on the side of the road which of course I made my worker pick up. Turns out whoever left it there had the same idea I did they scratched off the bar code and scanned it to see if it was a winner but no luck I should have known better. At least they will start paying us after the BBQ fundraiser we are having at a park in New Britain on the 25th. Pretty sure a bug flew in my eye when I left the building, but with my luck since it was a New Britain bug it is probably laying eggs in my eye and brain as we speak. Also, not sure but the New Britain Independent is a news website but when I went to go into the building it said it was a law office on the sign outside. Then, when I opened the door if I had the right place everyone looked at me like I was crazy and said yes. Ok, I know this is low budget project for now but how the fuck was I supposed to know that a law office building was now home to the Independent. Hopefully they will be putting up a sign soon. However it gets better. Not only were the landlords and some random guy who only spoke polish doing construction during our meeting, so again it was impossible to hear anything but at one point the front door opens... and standing there is a middle aged African American man just staring at everyone. I being the idiot that I am thought he was one of the writers or editors showing up really late...nope because as soon as he saw the 8 of us sitting there he said oh sorry closed the door and walked away. Not sure if he was there to rob the place, look for a lawyer, or help with the construction but as far as I can tell he walked away and never came back to the building. It was not weird or awkward or anything. I can tell the other people from the meeting are from New Britain because they did not even think twice about it, but I am fairly certain I missed being on one of those murder mystery shows on ID network by about ten seconds. Apparently though the people in the meeting said I contribute the most stories and they really like what I write. Who would have thought between that and this beautiful blog anyone would read anything I write. Now only if I could make some money off of it. But anyways while we were at the meeting they were telling one of the writers different churches in New Britain that he could write profile pieces on. After talking about one of them, one of the ladies in the meeting said oh yea the guy who runs that church is a drunk and his son killed himself last year. Jeez I thought I was heartless but I would not say that! Everyone was just kind of awkwardly looking at her and then the editor said to the guy yea do not put that in your story. Later haters! By the way Gimpy tried to teach me who Tyga is but I do not know what I am assuming he is after to listening to one of his stupid songs I do not want to know. Seriously dude how much of a gangster rapper can you be if you dated Kylie Jenner pretty sure that gives you about as much street cred as Vanilla Ice had! Here is a Tyga allegedly...
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