Swamp ass vs. Mud butt

Anytime I go anywhere with Gimpy it never fails to be a long strange adventure. Why I do not know but we attract freaks like a frisbee with stagnant water attracts mosquitoes with Zika virus. Plus my new name for Gimpy is Helen Keller because if I had a dime for every time she said what or I can not see that I would be a fucking billionaire. Some examples from today on the way home I was trying to tell which highway to take and she said west or east so I asked which city does it say and she said west.... what???? So I had to scream go towards Waterbury so we did not end up in hard hittin New Britain getting shot. Plus on the way there she kept saying stay to the left towards New Britain? I think I had to yell  no stay to the right three times, before she finally got it even after the split in the highway she still asked if we should have gone left. Then there was all the lovely people we saw at West Farms mall. First there was Bob Marley's white cousin working at the apple store, in between bong rips he told us we had to wait in the back. Then in between listening to screaming children which I loath, someone came over to us looking to help Mark. Yep that is still not my name turns out he was talking about Helen Keller's dad. Why Gimpy did not realize this and say that it is us I still do not know when he looked right at her when he said it but apparently she does not know her own fathers name, people on the Maury show have the same problems. Plus while I was waiting I had to hear about Gimpy's armpit drama  because that's not disgusting or anything! Yep while we are sitting in the middle of the apple store she made me stare into hairy hairy armpit to see what was wrong, much to my disgust there was an inch big red lump there. I am guessing it is an ingrown hair or cyst and she went all Wife on me and told me we had to rush to the emergency room because she might have cancer. Pretty sure cancer of the pit is not a thing, but she insist it is lymph node cancer from her deodorant. Also, for those wondering it still hurts and she is still bitching about it while we are writing this. Dude I know you are going to Europe but that does not mean you need to have hairy pits like every other girl in Europe. I know you are trying to turn off your boyfriend...well you are doing a great job so far! Maybe that is because she is too busy getting shoulder kissed by other boys. I shit you not that this is a true story I had the misfortune of hearing right before I wrote this. For some reason she decided to tell me on her hot date last night.... you remember the one she had to buy the movie for that she pretended to own... That the 6'5" guy was getting no piece of Gimpy's 5 foot 80 lbs BONEY ass last night. Therefore, when the night came to its awkward end, because I just assume everyday with Gimpy is awkward as fuck, he went to kiss her and she went to hug him and some how ended up kissing her on the shoulder. Then to make it more embarrassing she gave him a nice atta boy pat on his back... I am really starting to see why her and Awkward Turtle are friends. I imagine this is the shit that happens when Awkward Turtle when she hangs out with her boyfriend because they are about the same heights as Gimpy and Shoulder kisser. Was I this weird and annoying when I was 23? Do not answer that it is probably a yes. Oh and I forgot to mention Gimpy has horrible taste in clothing. She dragged me into some store where it looked like the left over wardrobe from The Brady Bunch was being sold. Seriously she picked out two articles of clothing that I am pretty sure my Mom wore in her high school yearbook, oh yea I forgot to mention that my Mom graduated in 1976. Considering my workers think I went to sleep away camp in the 1980's and high school in 1990 I would not to say they do not have the best choices in decision making. For the record I was four when the 80's ended and five in 1990 so I do not think I was at sleep away camp or high school. Finally I do not know what was going on at the mall but on my way to go shop at Spanx (yes that really is a store in there, they sell underwear to large women HOT) I drove by more gay men and people that smelt like WEED then I have in my entire life. Was there a phish or DMB concert going on near by? I felt like I was in P-town in Cape Cod all over again! Here is a picture of me at Spanx!

Yep there was awkward people during the mall trip. First, when I went to the Disney store to find the Mom a gift for her son because he is getting baptized on Sunday, some DILF was checking out Gimpy... I am not explaining what a DILF is... Also I did not say he was a DILF these were Gimpy's words. Also, if the Wife and I do not catch on fire when we go to church for the baptism it will be a God Damn miracle! Anyway back to Gimpy because that is all she cares about, apparently they let the little brats play trivia every Friday night at the Disney store. Did I mention the Disney store stands for everything I hate? Whining annoying kids running around everywhere spreading their germs and poop particles while screaming they want more juice and the Elsa dress.... Let it go already nobody wants to build a fucking snowman! Anyways Gimpy claims that the DILF was giving her come hither eyes while his brat was playing trivia,  but do not worry ladies he was not wearing a wedding ring, Gimpy proudly told me! So now I have name this couple Glimpy he was also about 6 feet tall so I hope he has been practicing his shoulder kisses. Do not worry Gimpy does not want to be an instamom she just wants to be a hoe fo sho! If it is one thing I know about it is hoes and I have a lot to teach her, first they do a lot more then shoulder kisses, second they dress more like the strippers I know from Hollywood then my lesbian gym teacher from elementary school but that's right miss. lesbian gym teacher from elementary school I called you out of the closet to bad I can not remember your name, it is fine I am sure you were already out anyways! By the way did I mention Gimpy thinks she is going on a second date with the shoulder kisser. Um NO Miss. Margarita (not her real last name do not worry) he just said he wants to take you out to dinner on Monday because he still feels awkward about how the night ended. He does not really want to go out with you again he just said that to cover up how bad their first date was. It is like that credit card commercial where the lady says I am going to take two full days to respond and the guy says I wont answer with a short confusing response... Dude if you two go out again all you are going to be thinking about the whole time is the awkward shoulder kiss/ atta boy pat on the back yep this relationship is DONE please do not try prolonging it by artificial means it just wants to die naturally with a little bit of pride.  Also, when Gimpy was in another hippie Brady Bunch memorabilia store, I decided to wait in the mall because the store was to tiny for my giant chair. Well I must have looked like a lost MR child because some women who I think was actually younger then me came running up to me and yelled "Are you GOOD?!" first of all way to butcher the english language... Second of all what makes you think I am in distress with my pimp ring, black slippers covered in cat hair, head rest that is down way too low and handicap lives matter t-shirt... Oh wait I think I get it now! Luckily I was able to convince her I was just waiting for Gimpy in the hippie store before she flagged down mall security! Maybe she was concerned for me or maybe she just wanted a piece of this I am sure it was the second one! But really I can not blame her I am FINE I am quite the catch living at my moms house at 30 sleeping in the same bed that I have been sleeping in since I was 13, in room that Flappy pees in the vents in with my business and job that very rarely actually pay me, and lets not forget to throw in the horrible gambling problem and $10,000 in credit card debt! Yea not sure why the Wife puts up with me!

I almost forgot to mention the crazy lady that took five minutes to give us Burger King coupons while Gimpy was Squawking at me in front of Subway! She wanted me to get Subway me fat ass wanted to get Burger King so I got both! Now why this lady was carrying around Burger King coupons at the mall and why she wanted to give them to us I do not know, but I never turn down free food. Now I am probably going to end up at Midstate Medical center tonight with ecoli or food poisoning again because first of all BK smelt like human ass not cow ass actual human ass.. second the guy that prepared my food had long dirty fingernails and no gloves on when preparing my food! But yep I am not going to turn down my buy one get one free Whopper when I waited five minutes for that buy one get one free coupon. Plus I had to get onion rings and zesty sauce and God help you Gimpy if you forgot to get me my Zesty sauce. I love that shit so much I would bathe in it and BK onion rings taste like ass without it but that is pretty much their whole menu!

Finally there is the most disgusting traumatizing thing I ever written about in this blog and that is saying something. If there are little children reading this you might want to cover their eyes. Actually no fuck that if you are that horrible of a parent to let your child read this then they deserve to read this disgusting filth I am about to write! Gimpy always likes to tell me how she has swamp ass, for those who do not know it means when you have a sweaty stinky ass!Why is she always telling me this I do not know but it is probably the reason why I texted my mom and all my workers yesterday to tell them if I was able to I would be packing a bag and driving God knows where and that none of them would ever hear from or see me again! Do not remember what we were talking about when we pulled into the driveway but like 9/11 I will remember when and what I was wearing when this horrible event happened. Gimpy uttered the most vile disgusting phrase I ever heard come out of her mouth and that is saying something and I pray the Wife never reads this. When I politely reminded her that she is the one that always says she has swamp ass, IT HAPPENED!  I am sorry America but this is what Gimpy said, "how would you know? Are you in my pants right now!" Dear God not shoulder kisser, not the BTK killer, and especially not me EVERRRRR want to be in your pants did you see that nasty sunburn photo I posted in my blog last week... I am thinking about bringing Gimpy on judge Judy now to pay for my mental and emotional distress! Yep she peed her pants while I was writing this goodnight America!