Conspiracies

So you know my life every time things start to go well for me a bunch of bad shit happens. Yeah I know I'm an asshole but I've really been trying to be nicer lately. Even Gimpy started talking to me again and she's always mad at me and calling me an asshole. I guess I must really be a jerk though cuz after I finally found enough people to help me, the exwife gets rushed to the hospital where she'll be for a while, Big boobs Mcgee goes on her 1,000 vacation even though she claims to have no life, I guess dropping Molly and getting drunk off your ass takes up a lot of time. Anyway, she is supposedly moving to California in a few months, awkward turtle thinks shes big time now and when she gets her certification she'll be getting a real job, and then the girl who only comes once a week unless its a goddamn miracle, no nickname for her yet, now says she's moving to Florida in November. Fuck I hate this state too can't one of you assholes take me in your suitcase? Two of the new people I hired seem really nice and actually want to come in to work a lot. Even though they have children so I'm worried about them also getting shit diseases or having husbands who don't actually want their wives to work because they think its 1967 and they have to stay home all day watching the children and cooking dinner. Yeah, that was a shot at someone who used to work for me, I'll let you figure out who. Because I knows you still reading this. Hi Michele, whoops I guess I gave it away. Black Jesus loves you.

So yeah I interviewed another person today because peppy PT girl quit... more like I probably scared her off because I'm a cranky asshole and she's always happy and peppy. Those two traits don't match well with me. Supposedly she got a job working with old people closer to where she lives which amounts to fuck off your an asshole and I don't like helping you. Her replacement came to train today, I guess the first red flag should have been when she told me her background check would come up with past arrests. I'm always willing to give people a second chance though, I have 2 former strippers and people I met on Craigslist working for me. Not saying its working out well, but hey at least I'm charitable. So yeah she comes in to train today and in the middle of showing her how to get me up she asks Hippie love child and I if we believe in evolution or creationism. Say what now? If I gave the wrong answer were you not going to work for me? Then later on she tried to tell Hippie Love Child and I that Pokemon go was created by the CIA to spy on people and that the CIA is always watching us. Finally, she kept telling me how her and her husband were probably going to get divorced soon. Um, I just met you for the second time, why are you telling me all this? As much as I want a paranoid schitzo working for me I think I'm going to have to take a hard pass. I mean I love me some crazy bitches because they're so entertaining but I also don't want to be stabbed in my sleep. Cheshire has already had enough brutal home invasion murders in my lifetime. Too soon? Yeah probably, I may or may not make jokes about that in my routine tomorrow., Which starts at 10pm at Comix the comedy club at Mohegan Sun Casino in CT. Tickets start at $10, hows that for shameless self promotion? Yeah, I am totally going to try to sell some shirts while I perform. Hey I gotta kill 5 minutes somehow. Want to see what my routine is going to be? To fucking bad I'm a working sit down comedian you don't get my jokes for free anymore. I mean sure I'm still performing for free at late night comedy show on a Thursday at the Casino, but ya know you gotta pay to come see it. I'm looking to form an entourage before I get too famous might as well get in on the ground floor. Sluts get in for free because I love me some sluts. Signature stamp autographs are $5. I gots to get paid I might have a stepson to raise soon. What about me, what about Raven? Goodnight America I will be back later this week to write about how my performance went.

I even made it to the website bitches. Looky here

Pat Oates, one of the top comedians in Southern New England, always brings a raw and realistic perspective to the comedy scene. Transparency is the key word with him, as Oates holds nothing back in his non-filtered brand of humor. Oates has been headlining clubs across the northeast for almost a decade now, is known for his appearances on E! Network and Sirius XM Radio, and recently won 2015's Last COMIX Standing Competition at COMIX Comedy Club. Joining Oates will be Robert Held, Cliff Mula, Kristy Lafluer Nelson, Kirsten Logan, Billy McCusker, Joe Flynn, Colin Cook, and Frankie Hill!