Anyway, since I'm an asshole I'm still looking for people to help me. As I always say I can never find enough people to help me. This was a recent email interaction I had with a potential employee.
Can you believe after my pleasant response that she didn't contact me again? Yeah, I'm not surprised either. But seriously I get if you're severely allergic to cats but um hello I have three and I'm obviously not going to get rid of them to hire you. Yup, they shed and pretty much go everywhere in my house, that's what makes them cats. Plus, honestly who is afraid of cats? I always joke that I want to live in a shack in the woods by myself throwing cats at people who walk by and disturb me but apparently this bitch thinks I actually do that. This is why I'm an asshole. Honest to god there was a time I was nice to people and appreciated what they did for me. As I get older though I can't help but feel like people are getting dumber, more selfish, and annoying, I'm one step away from being that guy rolling out onto my front lawn in my underwear yelling at kids to get off my property.
Another recent highlight of mine was watching this weird documentary on Netflix about people that are in love with inanimate objects. Like actually in love as in they have sexual feelings for these things and I'm pretty sure they fuck them somehow. I don' t know they didn't go in to specifics but they were definitely sexual with them! Where to begin? Lets start with the lady from Maine. She was in love with the Eiffel tower to the point that she had a commitment ceremony with it. Also, her legal name is Elaine Eiffel because this bitch thinks she's legit married to the Eiffel tower. However, after her commitment ceremony she started getting negative publicity. You really thought you could marry the Eiffel tower and not get people talking shit about you? Needless to say she's now banned from going there so she had to move on. What was the next object of her affection? The Berlin Wall. That's some fucked up shit. She actually must not know the horrible things that it represented. She takes chunks of it and paints them... but if you saw the expression she makes when she's painting it and walking around touching it you would vomit. Like the thought of a 500 pound naked woman vomit. But at one point she had a chunk delivered somewhere and it almost fell off the forklift. She legitimately almost started sobbing when that happened. Did I mention she also has a tattoo of the Eiffel tower on her chest and a tattoo of the Berlin wall on her back? Don't even want to think about what she does with those! This woman is kind of a hussy though, she's moved on from the Berlin Wall and now she's in love with some giant Crane. Not sure how she found it and why the Berlin wall is okay with her cheating on it. But I'm thinking she likes it because it looks like a huge dick. Seriously when the bitch climbed up it she looked like she was about to orgasm.
The next lady was even better. She was a private pilot. In case you were wondering, yes she was in love with her airplane at one point, but she says she can no longer date the object she works with because it makes things too complicated. I feel your pain lady, I tried dating my wheelchair once, and that slut just made anybody sit on her face. I'm still not over it. Thats why I had to sell my last chair. Anyway, she originally realized she loved inanimate objects when one day she basically got off while riding a train (sorry you had to read that especially if you know what this chick looked like). So what did she do next? Got a job working as a train conductor. And it was love at first sight, but then the romance came to a sudden harsh ending when she was caught in her words "in an intimate embrace" with the train and was fired from her job. I don't want to know what her definition of intimate embrace is. But how does one fuck a train? I don't really want to know but I can't help but wonder... so then she got a job working at an amusement park as a ferris wheel conductor. Yeah, of course she fell in love with the fucking thing and would ride it at night in more than one way... vomit. Things were going well Bruce, yes she called him Bruce don't know how she knew it was a him. Unfortunately though after a four year relationship Bruce got knocked over in a severe thunderstorm and she lost track of him for 25 years. Not sure how she tracked him down, but she spent 83,000 dollars over the course of 8 months to restore him. Yeah, this is why she lives in a single wide trailer in the middle of nowhere. She says one day she wants to buy a piece of property for her and Bruce to live on all by themselves. She also had a commitment ceremony with Bruce. And yes after he was restored they renewed their vows. First of all, did Bruce honestly have a say in any of this? How did she know he wanted to marry her? But don't worry their were rings exchanged. Not sure how Bruce puts his on, and she even found some non denominational priest to marry them. The priest was also a freak, at one point in the movie he started crying when he was talking about the time his church removed the first ever sound board he fell in love with. He still is haunted to this day at the thought if she's still alive and in good shape. I feel ya man, I often wonder what happened to my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle table hockey game. The other people in the movie weren't as interesting, one chick was in love with the statue of liberty, her drums, and the flag of the United States. Although if you saw the way she touches her drums you would throw up too. At first her parents thought her love of drums was cute, until they realized she actually wanted to fuck them. She also claimed that flags had the personalities of children... umm so since you want to screw them doesn't that kind of make you a pedophile? Either way, all these people should be locked up. The last guy was in love with his car and was saddened by the thought of her getting older and breaking down. He was however very open with the fact that they had a sexual relationship. I'm assuming he bangs the tailpipe? Or does he just shove the stick shift up his butthole? Your welcome for that visual image. The fucked up part is all these people didn't understand why so many of their friends and family wanted nothing to do with them after they found out. Um I don't know because you're a sexual predator? Good luck ever finding or maintaining a job after anybody watches that. I forget the exact name, but I will post a picture below so you can watch it for the train wreck that it is. Apparently it is called Animism and this is the babe that used to fuck trains and is now married to Bruce the Ferris Wheel.
Also, don't forget I will be making my stand up debut at the Hartford FunnyBone this Tuesday, which is actually in the Manchester mall, there's a joke in that somewhere! Until then, almost happy 31st birthday to me.
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