Thanks to my brother-in-law for cleaning up the audio. I don't feel like fighting with him anymore, he's a cool guy and he's done a lot of good things for me. So I'm publicly taking back the crap I talk, I'm done fighting with my brother-in-law and sister, hopefully they will be too. I know it's still hard to understand but it's better than it was. I will also paste my routine, I changed up part of what I said but you can get the gist of it here. I threw in a joke about my mom liking my sister better than me and that's why she stayed home to watch my sisters dog because he can't be home by himself. But apparently my mom thinks I can, just a joke people don't get mad. I also added a joke about how everyone thinks I am so nice and great because I am in a wheelchair, but I am not. In fact I told a pregnant girl I hope she died giving birth the other day. Did I mention it was my sister I said that to?...well she's a cunt. And she fucked up my lunch. Finally the joke that really made people laugh was the one I told about the guy I graduated high school with who also happened to be performing that night. In his routine he made jokes about being fat, in my defense, so I said - let's hear it for Giancarlo...he was great tonight him and I grew up together and I'm wondering if he was thinking holy shit he's still alive when he saw me tonight. I said yeah I'm still alive and I'm funnier than you, you fat piece of shit. The rest I'll paste here, some of it I took out and some of it I worded differently but you'll get the gist of what I said. Hope you enjoy!
I know what you are thinking right now..fucking Jesus Christ
we are gonna have to pretend to laugh at this retarded guy telling knock knock
jokes for five minutes. WTF honey.. I didn’t throw down $20 to spend my
Thursday night watching the special Olympics of comedy. Yeah well fuck you
because you are stuck listening to me
for five minutes. Most people choose to go to the Grammy’s or the Super Bowl
for their make a wish..I choose to try standup comedy…maybe this is why I am 31
years old, $10,000 dollars in debt with two useless college degrees sleeping in
my moms basement! I have made some good life choices.
People always like to tell me I am so nice and brave to do
all that I do just because I’m disabled… I hate to tell people but I’m a
fucking asshole…I mean I really fucking hate people… look at that guy over
there wtf are you staring at?! You have never seen a guy in a wheel chair
before doing sit down comedy? Yeah fuck you dude you are an asshole.
By the way cripple is my word, I’m allowed to say it, just
like black people are allowed to use the N word….if I hear any of you assholes
say it, I’ll roll right up to you and run your ass over.
Us cripples are so nice that when I went to summer camp with
a bunch of them, a group of them got together and beat up a clown that was
there to entertain us…swear to fucking god… not sure how it went down but it
went down!
Some people say war is hell but they never went to summer
camp for 10 years with a bunch of other cripples, by the way that’s our word..
black people have the N word we have cripple..but I swear to fucking god if I
hear one of you guys say it I’ll run your ass over. Anyways when I went to
cripple camp I saw some things..have you ever seen a guy wacking it and
drolling while holding a stuffed caterpillar because I have at cripple
camp..sure I know my parents sent me there every summer for two weeks because
It was probably the only time they could have sex but god dam mom and dad think
about the money you had to spend on psychiatric care for me was it really worth
it? One time I shit you not this kid came out of the bathroom with his pants
around his ankles and shit all over his ass..these are things that you
shouldn’t have to see when you are 12 it was like staying in the psych ward for
two weeks ..but the most fucked up time was the time I got caught downwind from
a guy that had crapped his pants I mean actually crapped his pants to this day
I still can’t go to the zoo because the smell reminds me of that horrific night
it was my 9/11!
I grew up In Cheshire CT it’s fucking shitty because all
it’s known for was the brutal Petit family murders. I hate when people ask
where I am from because then it is always followed up with did you know that
family that was killed? Being the asshole that I am I always say yeah actually
they were my neighbors and I happen to wonder over there that night and man let
me tell you some shit went down. You
should see the fucked up looks I get from people after I say that.
Speaking of my lovely town, Giancarlo Biondiono is here
tonight…. Yeah I don’t know who the fuck he is either, but apparently we
graduated high school together. All of our parents must be so proud, Cheshire’s
finest doing the late show at the casino… Well I guess we’re really going
places.
Finally I wanna leave you with a bit of advice… IF you’re
ever feeling bad about your own life, find a documentary to watch on Netflix.
Theres some fucked up shit on some fucked up people on there….The other night I
was watching a documentary about people who were in love with inanimate
objects…. Seriously this one lady thought she was married to the Eiffel Tower.
So since I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating world, I decided to date one
of my old wheelchairs… I had to dump that bitch though, she was always letting
people sit on her face….. I’m Robert Held I hope you have a good week… And at
least remember, you can walk out of here.
No comments:
Post a Comment