First, of course I would like to direct it towards bitchface. Yeah, I was immature and had a bunch of food delivered to her house, and posted her address and phone number on craigslist with a free ad for a top of the line sears washer and dryer. And sure, the food showed up, along with her phone being blown up by assholes wanting the washer and dryer, because I said to call anytime any day. Yes, the only reason I took it down is because the cops basically said my worker that helped me write it would be arrested if I didn't. Technically, I'm the one who told her what to write. And second of all, good luck proving who was working that night. Plus the cops also informed us that bitchface said I write harassing blog posts about her and they would be monitoring what I write. So first of all I'd like to say hi to the pigs at Cheshire and Berlin PD! That's right, I had cops from two towns at my house cause I keep it classy. Second, they're not harassing, they are just facts, and I can prove they are facts. Third, even though President Trump is trying to get rid of it, there's a little thing called the first amendment, which gives me the right to say and write anything I want! So here is some facts for you, bitchface is thetown bicycle of Berlin, everyone has had a ride, and the best part is she tells people she's only been with five dudes. Maybe she meant for the month of January 2017, cause that aint for your lifetime. And if anyone is dumb enough to believe that, I have some land in a swamp in Florida to sell you! Plus she and her father both deal drugs out of their section 8 house in Berlin. I keep trying to tell the cops this but they don't seem to believe me, even though bitchface and her father both have records, psychiatric and criminal. Plus, as previously mentioned, and I'll remind you here, her parents aren't technically married so therefore her father is not supposed to be living in that section 8 house with them, but he does. Also, he collects social security because he's so fucking nuts that he qualifies, still works under the table jobs...which you're not supposed to do when you collect social security. I'm on it I would know! Yeah so one time bitchface told me he tried to strangle her to death, too bad he failed. He would've done the world a favor and he would be where he belongs, in prison. Hey bitchface, I know you're still reading this because you have nothing better to do then smoke weed and sit on your couch and fuck guys all day for money, and girls sometimes too allegedly... but we all know it's true. By the way, all this stuff I wrote is alleged, or so I'll say because that's how you can talk shit about people and get away with it. Thank you Quinnipiac Journalism Grad Program for teaching me something. Mom, you didn't waste that 50 grand. Stuff I learned in there and high school is probably what kept me out of jail last night. Plus I watch way too much Law and Order and How To Get Away With Murder... and that one time I wanted to be a lawyer, until I realized what a fat lazy piece of shit I am and that, ya know, it would require hard work.
And the other people that pissed me off last night where the cops themselves. You would think with all the bad publicity they've been getting that they might not want to be dicks to a disabled man... but oh no, why would that stop them?! I live by a very simple rule. I treat you, as you treat me, no matter what I've heard about you or how I feel about you. Living here my whole life, I know most of the cops are assholes. For the record I am not saying they all are, just most. But I would be too if I had to deal with annoying ass people that live in my town. That being said, Cheshire cop shows up to my house last night with a Berlin cop. First of all it was 4:40 am on a Sunday morning, and you just show up ringing my doorbell, knocking loudly, and shining your bright ass flashlights in my windows. It tax season and my mom works 80 hours a week assholes. You're lucky you didn't wake her up or I would've been even more of a dick. And to top it off you came into MY HOUSE with a attitude like you're better than me, and if there's one thing you want to do to trigger Tyshawn(My crazy alter ego), is coming up to me like you're better than me. I'm not excusing the immature prank I played, and sure I lied to try to avoid a more annoying situation, but he was such an asshole. I tried to tell him nicely when he first came in, and my worker also repeated this later on, that this girl has been making my life a living hell for a month, threatening and trying to blackmail my mom and I. While she's doing and selling drugs and God only knows what other illegal activities... to top it off she says we owe her 35 hours, which we don't. But my mom sent her a check for it anyway just to get her to go the fuck away, and of course now she is claiming she never got it but I saw my mom mail it. So yeah, I had enough, snapped, and tried to play a stupid joke on her. But fuck, you would too if somebody was torturing you and your mother like that! But yeah, asshole cop thought he was smarter and superior to me by saying "Oh how did you know people are calling and texting her I never said that." Um because I use Craigslist all the fucking time to sell shit and hire workers and find hookers like bitchface to help me. Just kidding mom, I promise I've never hired a hooker on Craigslist. So yeah, that was when I said, and I believe this is word for word as I remember it, "I'm smart, I have two college degrees, and I'm not playin' these games where you think you can outsmart and intimidate me. Plus I know a lot of lawyers, so either you're going to arrest me right now or get out of my house". And they knew there was nothing they could do because they did leave my house immediately once I told them too. They had no warrant or evidence to stay and look around. I know my rights damn it... thanks to all the hippies I hung out with during my years at Southern. The only thing I felt bad for was my worker taking the fall for my shit. So honestly, no I won't be doing that again. But for the record I am NOT sorry, if I could write it myself, and do it all over again by myself, I would. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I can't keep doing things to piss her off other than write about her on here.
Honestly I'm a little curious as to how it would've worked if they did try to arrest me. I mean, they can't put my fat cripple ass in the back of a cop car. They damn sure wouldn't have 24/7 workers in the prison to take care of me, and if something happened to me during transport or while in there they would be liable. On top of that, I don't think they would be chopping up my pills and giving me my medication while I was in there. Fuck on second thought maybe I should've let them arrest me, I could've won a huge lawsuit. I only reach for the highest goals.
Anyway, if you would like to see me perform and tell this story in person, because it's definitely going in my comedy routines, here's a few of my upcoming shows:
March 1st Anna Liffey's Open Mic, I'm probably going there to meet a friend but its free to get in so come see me.
March 8th New Haven Show at 5pm, also free to get in, and I think it's finally happening this time.
March 14th Hartford Funnybone Open Mic
March 17th Pawactuck VFW at 7pm, free to get in and it's a Friday night so no excuses!
March 21st Dante's in Stratford, I win money if I come in first or second, and the audience vote is 25% of the score. It's free to get in you just have to buy some good food and drinks and support my hairy cripple ass. Please, I've gone through a lot as you can see. I need this!
Check out this hot flyer I'm in... I look as miserable as one of my former workers looked in all her pictures! Everybody else is on stage, looking happy doing comedy, and there's ole' me chillaxin' in my dining room! One of these things is not like the other.
