Cripple Criminal

So last night was one of the more interesting nights of my life. I almost went to jail. The fucked up part is I didn't even care. Honestly, it would've been worth it to me. But the only thing I felt bad for, was that they were threatening to take my worker in if bitchface wanted to press charges, or so they say. Me thinks they full of shit! When they arrived at my house, you could practically see a cloud of smoke after I told them to either arrest me or get out of my house. Yes, I really said that. I'm not scared or intimidated by anybody. Where to begin with my hatred this time! There is just so many people I want to direct it towards.

First, of course I would like to direct it towards bitchface. Yeah, I was immature and had a bunch of food delivered to her house, and posted her address and phone number on craigslist with a free ad for a top of the line sears washer and dryer. And sure, the food showed up, along with her phone being blown up by assholes wanting the washer and dryer, because I said to call anytime any day. Yes, the only reason I took it down is because the cops basically said my worker that helped me write it would be arrested if I didn't. Technically, I'm the one who told her what to write. And second of all, good luck proving who was working that night. Plus the cops also informed us that bitchface said I write harassing blog posts about her and they would be monitoring what I write. So first of all I'd like to say hi to the pigs at Cheshire and Berlin PD! That's right, I had cops from two towns at my house cause I keep it classy. Second, they're not harassing, they are just facts, and I can prove they are facts. Third, even though President Trump is trying to get rid of it, there's a little thing called the first amendment, which gives me the right to say and write anything I want! So here is some facts for you, bitchface is thetown bicycle of Berlin, everyone has had a ride, and the best part is she tells people she's only been with five dudes. Maybe she meant for the month of January 2017, cause that aint for your lifetime. And if anyone is dumb enough to believe that, I have some land in a swamp in Florida to sell you! Plus she and her father both deal drugs out of their section 8 house in Berlin. I keep trying to tell the cops this but they don't seem to believe me, even though bitchface and her father both have records, psychiatric and criminal. Plus, as previously mentioned, and I'll remind you here, her parents aren't technically married so therefore her father is not supposed to be living in that section 8 house with them, but he does. Also, he collects social security because he's so fucking nuts that he qualifies, still works under the table jobs...which you're not supposed to do when you collect social security. I'm on it I would know! Yeah so one time bitchface told me he tried to strangle her to death, too bad he failed. He would've done the world a favor and he would be where he belongs, in prison. Hey bitchface, I know you're still reading this because you have nothing better to do then smoke weed and sit on your couch and fuck guys all day for money, and girls sometimes too allegedly... but we all know it's true. By the way, all this stuff I wrote is alleged, or so I'll say because that's how you can talk shit about people and get away with it. Thank you Quinnipiac Journalism Grad Program for teaching me something. Mom, you didn't waste that 50 grand. Stuff I learned in there and high school is probably what kept me out of jail last night. Plus I watch way too much Law and Order and How To Get Away With Murder... and that one time I wanted to be a lawyer, until I realized what a fat lazy piece of shit I am and that, ya know, it would require hard work.

And the other people that pissed me off last night where the cops themselves. You would think with all the bad publicity they've been getting that they might not want to be dicks to a disabled man... but oh no, why would that stop them?! I live by a very simple rule. I treat you, as you treat me, no matter what I've heard about you or how I feel about you. Living here my whole life, I know most of the cops are assholes. For the record I am not saying they all are, just most. But I would be too if I had to deal with annoying ass people that live in my town. That being said, Cheshire cop shows up to my house last night with a Berlin cop. First of all it was 4:40 am on a Sunday morning, and you just show up ringing my doorbell, knocking loudly, and shining your bright ass flashlights in my windows. It tax season and my mom works 80 hours a week assholes. You're lucky you didn't wake her up or I would've been even more of a dick. And to top it off you came into MY HOUSE with a attitude like you're better than me, and if there's one thing you want to do to trigger Tyshawn(My crazy alter ego), is coming up to me like you're better than me. I'm not excusing the immature prank I played, and sure I lied to try to avoid a more annoying situation, but he was such an asshole. I tried to tell him nicely when he first came in, and my worker also repeated this later on, that this girl has been making my life a living hell for a month, threatening and trying to blackmail my mom and I. While she's doing and selling drugs and God only knows what other illegal activities... to top it off she says we owe her 35 hours, which we don't. But my mom sent her a check for it anyway just to get her to go the fuck away, and of course now she is claiming she never got it but I saw my mom mail it. So yeah, I had enough, snapped, and tried to play a stupid joke on her. But fuck, you would too if somebody was torturing you and your mother like that! But yeah, asshole cop thought he was smarter and superior to me by saying "Oh how did you know people are calling and texting her I never said that." Um because I use Craigslist all the fucking time to sell shit and hire workers and find hookers like bitchface to help me. Just kidding mom, I promise I've never hired a hooker on Craigslist. So yeah, that was when I said, and I believe this is word for word as I remember it, "I'm smart, I have two college degrees, and I'm not playin' these games where you think you can outsmart and intimidate me. Plus I know a lot of lawyers, so either you're going to arrest me right now or get out of my house". And they knew there was nothing they could do because they did leave my house immediately once I told them too. They had no warrant or evidence to stay and look around. I know my rights damn it... thanks to all the hippies I hung out with during my years at Southern. The only thing I felt bad for was my worker taking the fall for my shit. So honestly, no I won't be doing that again. But for the record I am NOT sorry, if I could write it myself, and do it all over again by myself, I would. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I can't keep doing things to piss her off other than write about her on here.

Honestly I'm a little curious as to how it would've worked if they did try to arrest me. I mean, they can't put my fat cripple ass in the back of a cop car. They damn sure wouldn't have 24/7 workers in the prison to take care of me, and if something happened to me during transport or while in there they would be liable. On top of that, I don't think they would be chopping up my pills and giving me my medication while I was in there. Fuck on second thought maybe I should've let them arrest me, I could've won a huge lawsuit. I only reach for the highest goals.

Anyway, if you would like to see me perform and tell this story in person, because it's definitely going in my comedy routines, here's a few of my upcoming shows:
March 1st Anna Liffey's Open Mic, I'm probably going there to meet a friend but its free to get in so come see me.
March 8th New Haven Show at 5pm, also free to get in, and I think it's finally happening this time.
March 14th Hartford Funnybone Open Mic
March 17th Pawactuck VFW at 7pm, free to get in and it's a Friday night so no excuses!
March 21st Dante's in Stratford, I win money if I come in first or second, and the audience vote is 25% of the score. It's free to get in you just have to buy some good food and drinks and support my hairy cripple ass. Please, I've gone through a lot as you can see. I need this!

Check out this hot flyer I'm in... I look as miserable as one of my former workers looked in all her pictures! Everybody else is on stage, looking happy doing comedy, and there's ole' me chillaxin' in my dining room! One of these things is not like the other.

NO SEX PLEASE, WE'RE BRITISH!!!

So here is a clip from the beautiful play that Gimpy made me go see even though she blew me off for the second time in a week. It is called No Sex Please, We're British. I never heard of it until about a month ago. Considering it was a local theater production at the Connecticut Cabaret Theatre in Berlin Ct. It was not that bad, I even laughed a few times. But yea my worker and I were probably the youngest people there by at least 20/30 years and I am 30! At least I got in for free because I wrote an article about it in the New Britain Independent. Who says I can only write about sports? Why did I go you ask? Well, Gimpy decided I had to be a creep for her and spy on the ex girlfriend of the guy she is pretending to still want to date so she does not lose $1400 going to Spain. Yup I swear I have the best people working for me. The ex girlfriend is the weird one who is doing the weird worm wiggle with her ass at the end of the video. I thought you could not do worse then Gimpy I was proven wrong. Did you know Gimpy has a random field of hay in the back of her house that looks like a vagina from up above? Why do I know this you do not want to know. It is like a random field of grass located in the middle of the woods behind my house. Nobody knows how it got there.

Highlights from the play include making best friends with the random old lady who got sat next to us at our table. Yep, she brought ginger ale to drink and am I surprised hell no, it is about as surprising as when the wife or the awkward turtle do not turn me in the middle of the night! It is only their job that they are paid to do why would they do such a thing? I found out random old lady's brother was from Worchester Mass. because my worker made the mistake of telling her she was too.Apparently she has season tickets I did not know this was a thing at the Ct Cabaret Theatre in Berlin Ct. At least she did not burp herself awake. Then there was the old ladies sitting across the table from us passing around a handle of vodka they opened right before the show mixed with sparkling waters I am not kidding. They also brought multiple bags of popcorn and peanuts with bowls to pour them in and lets not forget about the black solo cups because they are classier then red solo cups. Yup you are allowed to bring your own food and drinks to this place if I had known I would have gotten incredibly intoxicated while I was there. Apparently the old ladies sitting at the table in front of me did because at one point when the two girls playing hookers in the play including worm butt she yells, " what kind of hooker is she? She has no boobs!" Yep she was talking about crazy chain smoking worm butt aka daughter of Janis Joplin aka crazy ex girlfriend. Seriously it was like geezers gone wild in there if they got anymore liquored up they probably would have started throwing their depends and dentures on the stage. Seriously there was an old couple making out in the back. It was as nasty as when I saw the fat old couple making out in front of me at the Mets game yesterday dont nobody want to see that just be grateful you found each other! There is truly someone out there for everyone... love you wifey! Here is an awkward photo of worm butt! She is the Blonde one with her mouth hanging open.

   This chick be delusional. First of all she calls herself an actor when I am pretty sure a female actor is called an actress. Second of all she thinks she is going to become way famous by starring in local plays in Berlin that she pays to have a role in. Not making this up! She is also apparently going to Bali to finish her yoga journey or become a Baliwood "actor" I have no fucking idea. But she was also supposed to move to Australia and other parts of the world throughout the years with her ex boyfriend and that never happened. So it is probably as likely to happen as it is for me to win a Pulitzer Prize for writing this blog or reviews for No Sex Please, We're British! She also claims to be a singer when she smokes more then the wife and a chimney combined! Did I mention I love you wifey? Unfortunately she did not talk in the play very much so I could not really tell you what she sounds like but I am guessing it is close to the noise that Flappy made the time he accidentally got outside to our driveway and saw the neighbors cat it was not pretty folks! Speaking of not pretty they could not find better looking chicks to play hookers? First of all these broads paid to be in these roles... You could not be a little more picky? One of them had no boobs and is insane, the other one she looked like she came out on the other side of Caitlyn Jenner. I mean she had boobs but I think she might really be an actor aka she has a dick! She definitely had side burns and bad teeth so she could have passed as a British hooker I guess. Vote Trump2016!

Finally, you know what annoys me? People who lie about stupid shit that does not matter. Gimpy told me today that the Creepy Canadians boyfriend makes money  climbing into poop tanks and cleaning them out. When I asked Creepy Canadian if this was true she said no he does heating and air conditioning, which is true but she left out one important detail he climbs into poop tanks and cleans them. Why probably because she knows I am an asshole and will write about this and hysterically laugh, or she is just in denial which is not just a river in Egypt you know. Hey there is no shame in it you make a shit ton of money cleaning out poop tanks!  Or there was the time she had to train Gimpy when I first hired her. Gimpy had remembered meeting her at a party, but the Creepy Canadian said she did not remember meeting her. I said probably because you were blackout drunk, which she tried to deny. Not only did Gimpy confirm my theory, but apparently the Creepy Canadian was so drunk that she peed on Gimpy's foot in the woods that night! Yeah I wouldn't want to remember that night either then.