I'm Feeling 32

 

So yeah it was just recently my birthday, so I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 32… Take that doctors who said I wouldn’t live till 3. This is a fucked up joke, but I haven’t done any comedy shows lately so I’ll try it out on here. Sometimes I secretly wonder when somebody I grew up with passes away and other people see me still posting on social media if they are surprised I’m still alive and kicking. I mean I get it, I’m kind of an asshole and a dick, and I hate probably 98% of the people I have encountered in my life. But whatever, I’m still rolling so I guess I’m here for a reason.  But despite hiring what I thought would be better people to work for me… yeah it just seems to be getting worse! 

 

Hire the fat unattractive girl they said, she will be a good worker because she has a kid and is more responsible they said. Well, in the words of Paul Hayman, “OH NO NO NO.” Not only did she show up to work only when she felt like it, but she was a pathological liar and stole $350 from me. Unfortunately, I did not realize this until I recently went to purchase something and more money was missing than I realized. However, it gets better because not only can the cop who came here not arrest her for anything because they technically paid me the $150 I thought they only had originally stole, but he can’t even get a hold of the fat bitch or her mom. To try and get my money back by seeing if they have a soul, but considering they stole money from a cripple, I would say probably not going to happen. They told me I could sue them in small claims court, but after the bullshit I went through with Vinny Beedle and the $100 it costs just to file a claim; it’s not even worth it. So guess who gets it up the ass again… This Cripple!!

Speaking of fat delusional idiots... yes I’m referring to Vinny Beedle, the night  before my birthday, I found two more people who think they can lie, cheat, and steal their way through life because they’re too cracked out and lazy  to make an honest living.  Yeah Vinny you fat piece of shit go ahead and sue me for slandering the character you don’t have! I blocked you on social media because I got tired of you asking me to do your crappy shows in NYC at noon, the day of when the show was at 5, and you wanted me to bring 5 people to pay $20 a ticket. Also suing for libel and slander it’s something famous people do when news outlets purposely report false information about them. Despite what your mom thinks and what your dad told you before he went to buy cigarettes and never came back home, you’re not famous, you never will be famous, and you’re about as funny as somebody sharting in their pants! 

 

This leads me to Saturday night when I received this text message from a former worker. 

Yes, I could be an asshole and say and write a lot of mean things to the people that work for me. But this was so out of nowhere that at first I thought she was fucking with me because it was almost my birthday. I mean this bitch had a Britney meltdown like 2008… I was half waiting for her to come here with a shaved head and an umbrella to attack my minivan. I was going to film it and sell it to stringer. Seriously this bitch needed to be strapped down and taken away in an ambulance for “exhaustion” like Britney was. Hire this one they said, “You were friends with her husband growing up.” They said. She’s unattractive and a mom of 4… “She’s responsible, “they said… But in the words of Paul Hayman, “OH NO NO NO.” So here’s the story since I know they’re talking shit about me on social media anyways. Keep in mind this story was told to me by the crazy bitch herself. A couple weeks ago when she was supposedly in the bathroom and her husband was supposedly watching videos on YouTube… AKA she was taking a leak because she drank  too much (seriously she reeks like booze half the time she was here and texted me twice accidentally instead of her husband to ask what I wanted from the package store) and her husband was probably whacking it to porn on the computer. Their 2 year old child got out of the house and was playing in the middle of the road that they live on which is a busy street in my town. After two cars almost hit him, they called 911 and the police came pounding on the door to ask why they weren’t aware that their two year old was playing in the middle of the road? Why did neither one of them nor their other three children notice this went on for several minutes, I don’t know. I thank god everyday that I’m not a parent, and I know it is difficult raising kids but how the fuck did that happen? Now because their shitty, irresponsible parents, and they were saying fucked up shit to me in a group text with all of my other workers to prove it, yes I said the following, yes I’m a dick and an asshole, but no I’m not denying it… I said too bad your kid didn’t get hit by those cars! Why? Because maybe it would have taught them to stop being shitty, selfish, alcoholic parents, and teach them how-to take better care of their children. I mean it cut deep because the husband started Facebook messaging me saying he was going to come over and the wife was still texting my other workers up to three hours later saying ,”How could you work for him and support him, he’s so mean?!” 

 

Looking back on it after 24 hours, I think it was just an elaborate setup. Justin Perrucci is the same piece of shit I grew up with 20 years ago, and this is what I get for giving him and his crazy bitch of a wife a second chance. You see, they both are recovering addicts with long criminal histories. Here is his mug shot and a link to the article where he got arrested for breaking and entering.  

 here is the article

 He was so stupid that the guy’s apartment he was trying to break into was home at the time… And this is why I didn’t talk to or attempt to make friends with everybody I grew up with and this is why I didn’t talk to you after your loser ass got sent to live with your grandparents in another town. Christ, even the stoner / Goth kids he used to hang out with have mostly changed their life for the better. The only reason why I can’t find Jen’s mug shot and the rest of her arrest record is because I don’t know her first husbands last name or her maiden name. Of course white trash like that has been married multiple times with multiple fathers of her children. She also posts nice things like this supporting Nazis on Twitter. 

 

Jennifer Perrucci‏ @Jenerrucci22 Jun 27

Replying to @jack6162002 @FoxNews @SarahHuckabee

But I would consider a Nazi less open-minded and evil, yet it's still education. Throwing around the word "educated" means nothing.

Also that twitter picture has got to be at least 5 years old because sweetheart you don’t look anything like that anymore. But yeah, Justin got fired from his job for crashing the car all because he was probably drunk and having Lyme disease allegedly. Jesus these people have more excuses then the ex wife does to go to the doctor. But yeah basically they are threatening to have me arrested because I threatened their four children. Let’s get it straight, I said, “Too bad the one didn’t get hit by those cars because it might have taught you a lesson!” And even though the Cheshire Police had no record of them contacting the Cheshire police and the cop told me I can’t be arrested unless I said I was going to go to their house and hurt or kill someone.

This leads me to my second theory of them supposedly contacting their lawyer because of what I said. I think he just wanted his wife to work for me for a while, come up with a bullshit reason to quit and then try to sue me for some easy money. Here’s the problem with that you stupid stupid stupid pieces of white trash, yes I live in Cheshire. Yes my mom makes a decent amount of money to pay people for 24/7 care... BUT I have a huge gambling problem which left me with $20,000 in debt and I have little money and 0 assets in my name purposely so I can get social security benefits, state insurance, and hours to pay my workers during the day through the state. Even if something happens to my mom, my funds and assets go into a trust fund run by my sister, so I can keep my benefits. You see that’s what happens when my accountant mother and I know how to watch out for white trash, crack head scammers, like you two! But hey, supposedly they were getting a divorce before I publicly reunited them with their hatred of me. I think I thought of a new reality show… The Cripple White Trash Marriage Counselor, and with the thought of that I leave you with this… Don’t let yourself rot and decay. Get yourself tested for AIDS so you don’t go away!

Cripple Criminal

So last night was one of the more interesting nights of my life. I almost went to jail. The fucked up part is I didn't even care. Honestly, it would've been worth it to me. But the only thing I felt bad for, was that they were threatening to take my worker in if bitchface wanted to press charges, or so they say. Me thinks they full of shit! When they arrived at my house, you could practically see a cloud of smoke after I told them to either arrest me or get out of my house. Yes, I really said that. I'm not scared or intimidated by anybody. Where to begin with my hatred this time! There is just so many people I want to direct it towards.

First, of course I would like to direct it towards bitchface. Yeah, I was immature and had a bunch of food delivered to her house, and posted her address and phone number on craigslist with a free ad for a top of the line sears washer and dryer. And sure, the food showed up, along with her phone being blown up by assholes wanting the washer and dryer, because I said to call anytime any day. Yes, the only reason I took it down is because the cops basically said my worker that helped me write it would be arrested if I didn't. Technically, I'm the one who told her what to write. And second of all, good luck proving who was working that night. Plus the cops also informed us that bitchface said I write harassing blog posts about her and they would be monitoring what I write. So first of all I'd like to say hi to the pigs at Cheshire and Berlin PD! That's right, I had cops from two towns at my house cause I keep it classy. Second, they're not harassing, they are just facts, and I can prove they are facts. Third, even though President Trump is trying to get rid of it, there's a little thing called the first amendment, which gives me the right to say and write anything I want! So here is some facts for you, bitchface is thetown bicycle of Berlin, everyone has had a ride, and the best part is she tells people she's only been with five dudes. Maybe she meant for the month of January 2017, cause that aint for your lifetime. And if anyone is dumb enough to believe that, I have some land in a swamp in Florida to sell you! Plus she and her father both deal drugs out of their section 8 house in Berlin. I keep trying to tell the cops this but they don't seem to believe me, even though bitchface and her father both have records, psychiatric and criminal. Plus, as previously mentioned, and I'll remind you here, her parents aren't technically married so therefore her father is not supposed to be living in that section 8 house with them, but he does. Also, he collects social security because he's so fucking nuts that he qualifies, still works under the table jobs...which you're not supposed to do when you collect social security. I'm on it I would know! Yeah so one time bitchface told me he tried to strangle her to death, too bad he failed. He would've done the world a favor and he would be where he belongs, in prison. Hey bitchface, I know you're still reading this because you have nothing better to do then smoke weed and sit on your couch and fuck guys all day for money, and girls sometimes too allegedly... but we all know it's true. By the way, all this stuff I wrote is alleged, or so I'll say because that's how you can talk shit about people and get away with it. Thank you Quinnipiac Journalism Grad Program for teaching me something. Mom, you didn't waste that 50 grand. Stuff I learned in there and high school is probably what kept me out of jail last night. Plus I watch way too much Law and Order and How To Get Away With Murder... and that one time I wanted to be a lawyer, until I realized what a fat lazy piece of shit I am and that, ya know, it would require hard work.

And the other people that pissed me off last night where the cops themselves. You would think with all the bad publicity they've been getting that they might not want to be dicks to a disabled man... but oh no, why would that stop them?! I live by a very simple rule. I treat you, as you treat me, no matter what I've heard about you or how I feel about you. Living here my whole life, I know most of the cops are assholes. For the record I am not saying they all are, just most. But I would be too if I had to deal with annoying ass people that live in my town. That being said, Cheshire cop shows up to my house last night with a Berlin cop. First of all it was 4:40 am on a Sunday morning, and you just show up ringing my doorbell, knocking loudly, and shining your bright ass flashlights in my windows. It tax season and my mom works 80 hours a week assholes. You're lucky you didn't wake her up or I would've been even more of a dick. And to top it off you came into MY HOUSE with a attitude like you're better than me, and if there's one thing you want to do to trigger Tyshawn(My crazy alter ego), is coming up to me like you're better than me. I'm not excusing the immature prank I played, and sure I lied to try to avoid a more annoying situation, but he was such an asshole. I tried to tell him nicely when he first came in, and my worker also repeated this later on, that this girl has been making my life a living hell for a month, threatening and trying to blackmail my mom and I. While she's doing and selling drugs and God only knows what other illegal activities... to top it off she says we owe her 35 hours, which we don't. But my mom sent her a check for it anyway just to get her to go the fuck away, and of course now she is claiming she never got it but I saw my mom mail it. So yeah, I had enough, snapped, and tried to play a stupid joke on her. But fuck, you would too if somebody was torturing you and your mother like that! But yeah, asshole cop thought he was smarter and superior to me by saying "Oh how did you know people are calling and texting her I never said that." Um because I use Craigslist all the fucking time to sell shit and hire workers and find hookers like bitchface to help me. Just kidding mom, I promise I've never hired a hooker on Craigslist. So yeah, that was when I said, and I believe this is word for word as I remember it, "I'm smart, I have two college degrees, and I'm not playin' these games where you think you can outsmart and intimidate me. Plus I know a lot of lawyers, so either you're going to arrest me right now or get out of my house". And they knew there was nothing they could do because they did leave my house immediately once I told them too. They had no warrant or evidence to stay and look around. I know my rights damn it... thanks to all the hippies I hung out with during my years at Southern. The only thing I felt bad for was my worker taking the fall for my shit. So honestly, no I won't be doing that again. But for the record I am NOT sorry, if I could write it myself, and do it all over again by myself, I would. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I can't keep doing things to piss her off other than write about her on here.

Honestly I'm a little curious as to how it would've worked if they did try to arrest me. I mean, they can't put my fat cripple ass in the back of a cop car. They damn sure wouldn't have 24/7 workers in the prison to take care of me, and if something happened to me during transport or while in there they would be liable. On top of that, I don't think they would be chopping up my pills and giving me my medication while I was in there. Fuck on second thought maybe I should've let them arrest me, I could've won a huge lawsuit. I only reach for the highest goals.

Anyway, if you would like to see me perform and tell this story in person, because it's definitely going in my comedy routines, here's a few of my upcoming shows:
March 1st Anna Liffey's Open Mic, I'm probably going there to meet a friend but its free to get in so come see me.
March 8th New Haven Show at 5pm, also free to get in, and I think it's finally happening this time.
March 14th Hartford Funnybone Open Mic
March 17th Pawactuck VFW at 7pm, free to get in and it's a Friday night so no excuses!
March 21st Dante's in Stratford, I win money if I come in first or second, and the audience vote is 25% of the score. It's free to get in you just have to buy some good food and drinks and support my hairy cripple ass. Please, I've gone through a lot as you can see. I need this!

Check out this hot flyer I'm in... I look as miserable as one of my former workers looked in all her pictures! Everybody else is on stage, looking happy doing comedy, and there's ole' me chillaxin' in my dining room! One of these things is not like the other.

Haters gunna hate

So for those uninformed readers of this shit, and I feel sorry for you, I live in a little town called Cheshire Connecticut. I hate it for many many reasons, but unfortunately I will probably be stuck here til the day I die. Unless I can ever stop gambling, actually save money, and convince the work wife to take me to North Carolina with her. Anyways, why I hate Cheshire: this stupid town is most famous because of the Petit family murders, which makes everybody think it is this big scary place to live in. The truth is though that it's full of rich, old, mostly racist, white people or some combination of those categories. Most people here think they are better than you just because they have money and god forbid you don't and they are not afraid to show it. The reason I only talk to two people I grew up with in this shitty town is because most of you thought you were too cool or too good to hangout with the crippled kid. But that's okay right now all you work at crappy mediocre jobs, reliving your high school days because that is when your life peaked. I'm getting more action at 30 than you probably ever did haha. But I'm not bitter or anything. Truthfully, now that I wrote this I finally feel better after 13 years.


I also hate the cops in this town. They literally do nothing expect bust up high school parties, check on old people, and pick up roadkill. Plus, they definitely could have saved the Petit family's daughters, watch the HBO documentary and you will see.  However, not all, but most of them are self-entitled pricks who think their shit don't stink. Perfect example today: I went to the Cheshire police station today thinking they would actually help me get the lady who sideways parked in the one handicapped spot at the post office yesterday. But the douche bag cops said there is nothing they can do because for all they know I took a picture of her while she was driving. Yeah, I have it out for this lady that I framed her illegally parking in the handicapped space without a placard, with a clearly marked sign, while she's sitting in the driver's seat stuffing her fat ugly face with a tangerine. I will be writing to the newspapers and TV stations about this because I can do a better job than the cops in this town that are allegedly serving to protect us.

 Finally, I am trying to turn the van into an uber. Just have to convince my mom to let me. At least then I can start paying off some of my debt to her and everyone else. Plus, who wouldn't want to take a ride in the cripple van? Seriously, it's a pretty sweet ride and how many people can say they have done it. And who wouldn't want this adorable face coming to pick them up?

Please don't forget to donate to gofundme.com/robertsnewvan to help me Uber people around in a brand new cripple van. Or buy a hilarious shirt at booster.com/freerobert .  These funny posts don't pay for themselves.