Let me start off by saying these are my opinions, and this is not meant to piss anyone but bitch face off. I had a comedy show I performed at on Monday in New Haven at Trinity Bar, you know whats sad? I've only been doing comedy for seven months, and I know I'm sounding conceited but out of the ten contestants, myself included and the four hopefully paid acts that were there, I feel as though I was in the top three out of all of them. Know whats even sadder the top two contestants won money, and I was not one of them. Saddest part is I'm going back on April 24th. Oh the things I will do to try and win $25 or $50. In my defense, if I make it to the final show on May 1st I can win up to $500. Not that I will. Because how do I beat a guy singing a A Capella version of the National Anthem? The guys that run it are awesome, and so are the judges for the most part. The problem is after it goes on, and everyone gets drunker and drunker. The show rolls on forever. The first one I did was three hours. The one I did on Monday was four. So on the 24th, I will probably be out until 1 am. Truthfully, only two of the contestants performing on Monday were awful, and I mean AWFUL! I have done a ton of open mics with first time performing comedians, and I preformed in front of crowds of tens of people, but these were the two worst acts I have ever saw! I don't even know if I would call them performances. It might be insulting to others. Lets just call them train wrecks.
I'm fully going to take the wrath if people get mad at me for this, and I hope it doesn't effect any future performances I have. But first up of the train wrecks was Mary Cassella. The Choice New Haven was a singing/ comedy showcase. Not gonna lie i was excited to see Mary perform at first, because she looks like Avril Lavegne, who i oddly find attractive, and she looks like she would be a good singer, nah fuck all that, shes just really hot! As you can tell by this picture...
Unfortunately looks is all there was to this performance. First of all I don't know how drunk or what drugs she was on, but if she ever sees this I highly recommend you stop immediately! I creep your Instagram, and you were smoking hot and a model, and now you live in Bridgeport, carry around a skateboard everywhere you go, and your guitar player/ possible boyfriend looks like Zelda, so I don't think things are looking good for you these days. She started by telling jokes that weren't funny and made no sense, before she went into an original song, that she forgot the words to and was so fucked up she kept dropping the papers that the words were written on. So I couldn't remember what she was saying, but she kept saying the lyrics over and over again about twenty times at least! As one of the judges put it everyone who performs gets a five just for coming, so that judge gave her a five! To put it in better perspective, I got four 9's from the judges. Also when the judges were giving her her scores, she yelled angel dust is a hell of a drug, sadly I don't think she was kidding.
After that disaster, I thought it couldn't get any worse. But oh it did! I already knew we were in trouble when the host said it was this guy's first ever performance. Plus look at this picture they used for him...
John Mayer is a douche, so maybe David is related to him. I mean they both are from Connecticut! This guy went up there so drunk he could barely walk or talk, then o top it off he too of course forgot all of his jokes. So he literally kept telling the same three jokes for 90% of his act. One joke was about gay sex, one was about waking up with a condom hanging out his ass, and the third one was about there being different kinds of rape. Hilarious shit in 2017. Yup, it sounds as retarded as it was. I tried to be supportive and not share my opinion while people are performing, because i haven't been performing that long and I don't want to be heckled either. Yeah, but this fucker deserved it. I couldn't help it, his three jokes weren't funny, and were boarder line offensive. After he decided to tell the judges that he used the same hand that he used to shake theirs, to jerk off right before the show, I had enough! I don't know if anyone heard or understood me, but I yelled as loud as I could, YOU SUCK I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING RAPED LISTENING TO THIS! After he got his awful scores, he told the female judge, oh you, you must have gave me a bad score because you are a rape baby! Yeah dude funny shit, I hope someone kicked your ass in the parking lot on the way out! You are to comedy what John Mayer is to music.
Today has been a train wreck almost as bad as those two performances were! I was awoken around 12:45 PM to my cat frantically meowing and trying to get into my room. At first he was being a fat jerk or so I thought, but i think he knew I was in trouble! Fast forward to 1:00PM and my mom comes storming in the house to tell me I've been home alone sleeping for who knows how long by myself! The overnight girl left at 7AM and the next girl was coming in from 7-10AM. I thought the ex wife was coming in at 10AM, but of course she texted me at 3Am to tell me she didn't feel good. However in her defense, she told the girl who was here from 7-10 am that, and that girl made it sound like she would stay until 5PM when the next person was coming in. This all happened after no one showed up for the Tuesday overnight shift, the ex wife told me she would work today from 10AM to 9PM, so I told the 5-9 girl not to come, and then she tells me at 3AM I can only stay until 5PM, and then doesn't even show up at 10AM. Yeah so my mom and I were a little pissed off! Why the girl that was here from 7-10AM thought it was okay to leave someone who is psychically unable to get himself up, dressed, and into his wheelchair sleeping in bed with his C-PAP Mask on by himself, when she has no idea what time the next person was coming in, I had no idea! As it is I never showered today, so this poor girl writing this could smell my horrible smell the whole time I'm writing this haha! At least two of the other girls that work for me realized I was sleeping at home alone and called my mom. Yeah I know I talk a lot of shit about them on here, but they're not all bad. and they do care about me. There's only a few that actually do suck. Did i mention she came back around 1:15 for some reason. Special shout out to my mom for screaming at her in front of the whole neighborhood. I didn't know my mom had it in her. I haven't seen her that mad since she threw a chair at my dad's car when i was a kid. Of course to top it off the ex wife came in at 1:30 and originally told my mom she would stay til 9 when the overnight girl got here... but the ex wife's not happy unless shes stressing me out and causing problems. First she said she could stay til 9 because she didn't feel good, then it was because she had to pack for a trip that shes not leaving for for another week, and of course she tells me this right after my mom leaves. Well after that I'm sure as hell not telling my mom nobody will be here again for two hours. So at the last minute I actually get one of the other girls to agree to work 7-9.. or so i thought haha. Robert plans and people laugh! Of course she had no problem showing up at 5 to pick up her check, and immediately accused me of not paying her properly when her other check doesn't even come until tomorrow. No wonder she used to be friends with bitch face!Oh and did I mention she was the one who didn't show up for the overnight on Tuesday. She told me she would be here 7-9 but of course backed out at 6:30 even though she had been here to pick up her check. Luckily the ex wife stayed until 7:30, and my friend hung out with me from 8-9 when the the overnight girl got here.. holy fuck, someone showed up, and on time!
Hi bitch face, and a special shout out to your friends and family who used to send me all those lovely text messages and the cops showed up so you bitched out. Too bad I was looking forward to seeing your fat ass arrested/deported! I can hear you now OH MY GOODNESS... WHY U SO OBSESSED WIT ME.. oh honey no, I don't have a thing for a girl that looks like they're Ronald McDonald's daughter, who did too many drugs so their bastard child came out retarded and all you have to look forward to is smoking weed, sleeping, collecting SSI, and living in your section 8 house until the government kicks you out.
Here's a small clip from my performance Monday.
Upcoming shows;
Tomorrow at Cabot Comedy Club @ 10 pm in Mass, tickets are $10 and could be purchased online or at the door.
4/18- Dantes Restaurant and Bar in Stratford, CT is free to go. Just got to buy food/drink. The more people who show up for me, the better chance I have of winning.
4/24- The Choice New Haven at 8PM at Trinity Bar. If you cant make it, at least like my photo by following the choice new haven all one word on Instagram and clicking like on my photo. The more votes I have the better chance I have of winning.Free to go!
5/1- If I make it that is the night of the Choice Finals. Read the book for all the details.
5/2- Dangerfield Comedy Club in NYC @8PM. Tickets are $15. Purchase them at the door.
I also know I have two shows at Comix Mohegan Sun on two Thursdays in May at 10PM. Tickets start at $10. Could be purchased online on the Comix website.
I'm sexy and I know it. I also framed copies of this photo, and will sell them for $10 plus an official Robert Held stamp autograph
No comments:
Post a Comment