First of all, why was I in New York? Well, besides my love of prostitutes, bums. horrible smells, and all the crazy people you see in New York, I also wanted to go to the Mike & the Maddog reunion show at Radio City Music Hall. It was a lot of fun and there were tons of famous athletes there. Tom Coughlin, Joe Torre, Mark Messier, Bobby Valentine, and Jeff Van Gundy and several others. Plus, it was awesome to see the dynamic duo together for the first time in 8 years. Seriously, I was so sad when they split up in 2008 because my Dad had gotten me into listening to them all the way back in 1999 when my biggest concern was how to beat Crash Bandicoot, look it up people. I was kind of sad though because I know how much my Father would have loved to have been there. We used to always listen to Mike & the Maddog and laugh at how Chris Russo talks like Elmer Fudd. I would like to think he was there though.
Then there was the adventure of trying to get to Radio City Music Hall and back from Grand Central. Sure, in theory it was only .7 miles away and I missed my cab I had booked for when we got there so my cheap ass decided to try and drive my wheelchair the whole way. Well lets see, between the crappy sidewalks, potholes, sewer grates, and crappy NYC roads, I'm assuming I now have CTE, just hope I don't go on a killing spree like OJ. I had almost made it to Radio City but my arm was dying so we decided to go into Saks 5th Avenue, so I could warm up and rest my arm. It was funny when the sales people asked if they could help us. Um, I don't think I make in a year what some of the stuff in that store costs. Eventually I bounced my way over and somehow got into Radio City. On the way out, I saw Suzyn Waldman (bitch) and Kim Jones (hot) who work on the radio and TV for Yankees games. I wanted to stop and ask for pictures / autographs with the hot chick but I was afraid bitchface would eat my soul and the soul of my worker's son even though he wasn't there. And of course on the way to the train station we got harassed by a bum who sounded like he was about to hack out one of his lungs, AKA the wife in 10 years. Luckily, before my worker hit him over a head with a soda bottle or he raped/pickpocketed us, we got back to grand central at the perfect time.
After that was the weirdest fucking train ride I ever took in my lifetime. Yes, I know I took the 12:15am train from Grand Central to New Haven on a Wednesday night/ Thursday morning but holy shit was it full of escaped mental patients. First of all, there was these group of four guys sitting behind me and my worker. One of the guys had on Mets stuff I'm embarrassed to say and was talking so much to the other 3 I assumed they all knew each other. Boy oh boy was I wrong. For 75% of his ride he sat right on top of them even though there were empty seats at one point during the ride. All four of the men had come from the Iron Maiden Concert, yet I heard him ask the other guys questions such as have you ever been to a Journey or ABBA concert? Dude, if you were at a Iron Maiden concert I don't think they ever saw ABBA! He also asked them probably about 295 other questions in 90 minutes and offered 5 guys some of his beer while he slowly poured and drank it the whole way back. Then he got up and moved to another car and thats when he realized he didn't know the people he was sitting with because they were laughing about it along with the drunk guys sitting across from us. The scariest part was he wanted to know where they lived, and the names of their kids. When he moved cars he didn't get off right away and was still just staring into our car at all the people sitting near me. And creepy enough all you could see through the window was his eyes staring at you. I hope they didn't get followed by him and stabbed on the way home. The guys across from me were also funny other than the fact that 2 out of the 3 of them were so drunk I'm kind of scared that they drove home. But the one guy kept taking pictures of his drunk friends passed out, moving seats, so he wouldn't laugh at random question guy and almost fell on his ass once when he didn't realize his seat had gone up when he stood up. At least he was sane though. And he had his friend come sit near us after his friend took a shit in a train toilet (barf) the things you hear on New York City trains. Unfortunately crazy question guy didn't ask drunk shit guy 300 questions. This train ride also featured a guy who looked like Tyler Perry, who was also on our train to to the City, wierd! A guy who sat with his cello the whole time, and the guy who looked like he was straight out of 1987 Iron Maiden road manager with hair down to his ass, leather jacket, ripped blue jeans, and creepy side burns complete with white trash necklace. But his girlfriend was even nastier, she looked like she had following Iron Maiden as a groupie since I was born in 85 and was dressed completely inappropriately for someone her age. Google sluts in the 80s and you'll probably see what she looked like. At least I gave a pregnant homeless lady 5 bucks when I got to New Haven. Granted she probably bought booze or crack with it but at least I tried to be nice after that hidden camera freak show train ride I was on on the way home.
Then there is the next day with my good ol' pal gimpy Mcbutt face. Poor gimpy can't catch a break. She texted me to tell me that there was something wrong with her face. I believe it is just a chemical burn/ allergic reaction but of course I told her she had herpes of the face. I tried to warn her not to rehab in hospital pools because my uncle once got MRSA from one, but she didn't listen. Therefor, I had to go to the doctor all the way in Newington with her. Just what I felt like doing when I hadn't gone to bed til 4am and woke up at 11am. For some reason, Gimpy's primary doctor is an internal medicine doctor but I won't ask. She shares an office with a Gynecologist so not only did I have to sweat my ass off in the waiting room for 30 minutes, why was it so hot in there? I don't know are vaginas suppose to be kept warm? But goddamn I was sweating like Whitney going through crack withdrawals or the wife without cigarettes. On top of that I had to see at least 80 year old woman get called into the gyno's office, I didn't even know vaginas still work at that age, or my personal favorite the high schooler who came in with her mom. For some reason her mom made her fill out the paperwork even though this bitch asked her mom how to answer every question this chick is starting college in the fall! What, you learn a lot when you're sitting in a hotbox full of people. That helped my anxiety so much. But my favorite was when she had to ask her mom when her first period was. Bitch, you don't know when aunt flo came to visit for the first time? Granted I know nothing about this and all that shit grosses me the fuck out but isn't that suppose to be like a big deal or something? When I was a kid I saw this fucked up documentary where this British chick had a party complete with cake, friends, and presents, the first time she was bloody Mary. Luckily, right after that Gimpy came back out with her herpes of the face medicine. Worst doctor visit ever!
Finally, to show how smart once again some of the people who work for me are, I received a breaking news email from NBC CT how a bunch of people were shot and injured at a Greyhound bus station in Virginia. When my worker saw this she started laughing. When I said its really not that funny that a bunch of people were shot and some died at a bus station she said, ohhh, I thought the headline said that a Greyhound dog had been shot several times in the vagina. I shit you not! Here is a picture of the headline.
First of all, why would a Greyhound being shot be funny to you? Second of all, why is being shot several times in the vagina funny to you? Third, why would they be reporting this as a News story in CT? I know this state sucks but even something that fucked up probably wouldn't make the News here. Finally, if it was shot in the vagina, I don't think they would say it like that in the News. They would probably say in the back. This chick wants to become a nurse. Dear god protect her patients! But hey her and the wife never know what the date is or even what month/day of the week it is. So what was I expecting?
Until next time America!
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