My Name is Alex

Had a crazy last four days. For those that think I do nothing but sleep all day and watch TV in the house. Okay so I will be doing that for the next day or two but I have an excuse. The van is finally getting some much needed maintenance. Hopefully, it will run better after all of the repairs. At least the air conditioning works, but it only blows cold air when you're driving for some reason. A freelance reporter from the Cheshire Citizen about the GoFundMe I set up for a new van. I am hoping they will do a story so maybe I can get that going again and people will give me less crap about it this time. For those who still want to shit talk, come drive the current one and tell me how great it is! The good news is that the New Britain Independent is having a staff meeting next Monday and we are going to find out when they will start paying us. I'm hoping between that and selling some shirts that i will have some extra money coming in soon to start saving up for what I need.

Last Thursday I went with Gimpy all the way to Norwich to cover CCSU playing in the NEC baseball tournament for the Independent. Of course, since I went they lost their first two games and were eliminated faster than I lose money at the casino. It was hot as balls, and the girl selling shirts for the NEC smelled like she came off a bender the night before. In fact, her and all the reps from the NEC were talking about their drunken escapades, way to properly represent the NEC and make it look classy. It was like when they showed the PSA about how the NEC is doing everything it can to report and prevent sexual assult happening on their college's campuses. Um, how many of your athletes are rapists that you had to make a PSA about this? Nevermind, I probably don't want to know the answer or how many times it was covered up so you had to make this ad. Also, Gimpy kept sneezing really loud during the game right next to me while she was feeding me lunch, not only was it disgusting that she was basically feeding me her snot, but it was so annoying!

On Friday I went to the Mets vs Dodgers game at Citi Field in New York. They spent the whole weekend honoring the 1986 team that won the World Series. That night my worker and I each got a free replica jersey with the number #86 on the back and it looks like the uniform they wore during that season. Hopefully it will fit my fat ass, if not it is going up for sale on Ebay, because after all my bills are paid on June 3rd I will have a whopping $16 left and somehow I have to come up with $30 to pay for Netflix and WWE network, $200 I owe my mom for allowing me to get my gambling fix, and $165 to my friend for my Summerslam ticket. Anyone want to buy a shirt? Click here. Before people bitch I got into the game for free on Thursday since I was covering it for work. The Mets game on Friday and Sunday were paid for in advance as part of my 20 game ticket plan before my mom cut me off. I used the last bit of money I had to pay for some gas and parking at the two Mets games. But I am not kidding the Mets played better when I was not watching. When I went a few weeks ago, they hit two home runs and got the lead when I was not watching. David Wright got the game winning hit right after I left. Before you say it parking and traffic there is a nightmare. So it's easier for me to get back in the van and leave before things get too crazy. Plus, I seem to pick the seats that are in the windiest part of the stadium, so even when it is not cold out it is freezing where I sit. Last night I had to put on a sweatshirt because the wind was constantly blowing on us at about 20 MPH. Then on the way home I was sweating my ass off because you know, it was still in the 70s outside. But guess what happened on Friday? The Mets were winning 5-1 going into the bottom of the eighth when I left. Sure enough, they let up 4 runs in the top of the ninth, before Curtis Granderson hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth to win it. Guess who heard it all on the radio going over the Whitestone Bridge? This crip! Then last night, besides seeing a movie star in the Mom from the movie "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"....Picture to follow this paragraph....the Mets were losing and as soon as I got to the parking lot I heard loud cheering because they tied it up. At least this time, I did not feel as bad because they ended up losing later on. I was happy because I got there early enough to get my 1986 World Series Champions replica ring. I thought they would be cheap and crappy, but they were made by a NY jeweler so they are fairly decent and I am going to keep mine and definitely not sell it on Ebay. Picture also to follow this paragraph.

Finally on Saturday I went to Foxwoods to see The Village People because I got free tickets. For those not cool enough to know they sing "YMCA" "Macho Man" and "In the Navy"  Okay so I am pretty sure that most of the original members are retired, dead, or in prison, but it was still a surprisingly fun show. Other than the fact that the guy dressed like a Native American and the guy dressed like a leather biker were too fat to be wearing no shirts! I think the guy dressed in the military outfit might have been an original member because he was so ancient that he could barely move, and he got the loudest applause when introduced. Seriously they have supposedly been touring since 1972. That was 13 years before I was born and I'm 30 almost 31. But I'm pretty sure some of the guys in the band were barely alive then. I did the math on the one that said he was 53, I don't think he was touring with them when he was 7 unless his parents had some serious issues. No wonder, awkward turtle and I were the youngest people in the audience by about two decades. Also, you know you're audience is old when a guy in the band asks how many people were in diapers when the band started, and how many people in the audience are wearing them during the show? Screw that I'm pretty sure the guy in the military costume performing on stage was. Speaking of awkward moments, apparently The Village People made a movie with Steve Guttenburg and Bruce now Caitlyn Jenner called "Can't Stop the Music" in their disco heyday. Besides sounding like the worst idea for a movie with such an awesome cast that I need to watch it...again....come on I have seen "Grease 2"," Cool as Ice", and "From Justin to Kelly" a crap ton of times so you know that I already saw a Village People movie ! The awkward part though is when the cop from The Village People said they were in a movie with Bruce now Caitlyn Jenner....yup he said it just like that...that everybody started laughing. He then got mad at the audience and yelled at them to stop laughing because they were happy Caitlyn finally found herself. I don't think they were laughing about Caitlyn becoming a woman, I think they were laughing at the thought of a disco themed movie starring The Village People, Steve Guttenburg, and Bruce Jenner even being made. Oh well, at least I got a tutorial on how to do a proper YMCA! Awkward turtle tried to make me do it during the song but I wouldn't let her! I forgot to add there was this special needs lady who asked what my name was and awkward turtle told her it was Robert. Despite this, she kept calling me Alex, even though her caretaker kept screaming at her that my name was Robert. Yeah I don't know how my name went from Robert, to Scott, and now Alex. Apparently if you just call me one of those three names I will respond.

I am Scott!

So I made the mistake going to Stop and Shop in my town. First of all I hate Ct. and I especially hate this town that I lived in since I was five. Why, people here are mad rude and it is a very have and have not town. Considering I went to Stop and Shop to buy food with my SNAP card I would say I would fall in the have not category. As if the shaking, rattling 11 year old 100000 miles parked in the handicap spot mini van was not enough of a sign, hey at least now that it is 90 degrees the lift works! Why this stuff always happens with Gimpy I do not know.

I should have known it was going to be a weird trip when it took Gimpy five years to take my pills out of her purse because apparently they are too heavy to carry around the grocery store when you are sun burnt. Look for Gimpys skin cancer go fund me and the Wifes lung cancer go fund me coming soon! So now that it was 2021, I went into the store it was like Grand Fucking Central when I got in there because so many people were standing by the entrance I could barely get into the store. What so many people doing in Cheshire Ct Stop and Shop at 6:30 on a Wednesday night I have no fucking idea. Probably planning more home invasions Jesus Christ that even offended me! Anyways, so I heads me down the frozen food aisle with Gimpy squawking and limping behind me because she is sunburnt... grabbing frozen pizza and ice cream for my fat ass and all of a sudden I hear a little kid yelling "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!" and probably about five more times after that. I did not realize he was talking to me because I am not famous like Stephen Hawking, what you come up with a famous cripple. So Gimpy squawks at me "ow my sun burn Robert he is talking to you!" So I wheel around to see what my fan wants besides an autograph and picture and he is about two feet tall and three years old tops and he is just staring at me. So even though I hate children I try to be nice and say hi, and he just keeps staring at me, so his grandpa yells at him "say hi to the man!" probably because Gramps thinks I am retarded talking to his three year old grandson for no reason. I am pretty sure he did not even want to talk to me he was just afraid I was going to run him over as he was running by me in the aisle!

So after that awkward incident I proceed my fat ass to the already made food area by the deli, what you would not trust Gimpy, Creepy Canadian, Awkward Turtle or the Wife to cook your food either! While I am parked there, trying to figure out what I want for dinner, Gimpy is standing right next to me with the shopping cart. Apparently I did not realize that the able bodied fat lady with corn rows I shit you not had to take a direct path right behind me instead of taking two extra steps around the bananas. Now instead of saying excuse me like a normal human she took the Cheshire Ct bitch approach and says "Good thing I am skinny!" while she is squeezing by. First of all, this is not outer space so what planet are you skinny on? Second of all have you seen Gimpy? she is so bony that her bones hurt my head when she is putting me in my wheel chair. She is skinny, you mam' are not! Also, sorry I took five seconds out of your life and two extra steps because you know my legs do not work and I wanted to figure out what I was eating for dinner. No wonder this country is the fattest in the world and about to elect Donald Trump president! USA USA USA!!!

Then on my way to check out, while Gimpy is squawking about her sun burn and limping five miles behind me I hear someone start yelling "SCOTT HEY SCOTT!" Now last time I checked my birth certificate my first and middle name was not Scott. I have been called many names mostly of the four letter variety, but never Scott. So I did not realize this person was talking to me. So then the women tapped Gimpy on the shoulder and Gimpy yelled "ow MY SUN BURN!" ok she did not say that, but the women did say to Gimpy "hey can you tell Scott I want to talk to him" then Gimpy got that deer in headlights oh no Robert is talking Chinese look on her face and said "WHAT?" She is hard of hearing you know? One day I shit you not her phone was blowing up by my computer in my house while we were in my room, and I asked her who was blowing her phone up? She looked at me 100% serious and said "oh my phone is going off?" Keep in mind the computer room is about 10 ft away from my bedroom and she has the hearing impaired setting on. Why she does not get a hearing aid? Because she does not want to look weird but the sideways walking frankenfoot that you partially amputated, along with your bony mcbones, orange hair, giant nose, and butt face does not make you feel weird! Ok I might have made up the orange hair, giant nose, and butt face but I know it pisses her off so that is why I made her type it! Anyways, back to the women who thought I was named Scott. Turned out she was the mother-in-law of the girl who I call the Mom that works for me. She just wanted to say hi because she is retiring soon from the store and she was impressed that I knew it was the Mom's mother-in-law. But still not sure how she thought my name was Scott. I do look a lot like 80's teen heart throb Scott Baio of Happy Days, and Charles in Charge fame, so maybe that is where the mix up came from. Just kidding, but did you know on Happy Days Scott Baio played a character named Chachi? He was in a horrible spin off show of Happy Days called Joanie Loves Chachi, that was so bad it got cancelled and the two characters returned to Happy Days before Happy Days got cancelled. Nobody could ever figure out why this show was so popular in Korea... Well turns out in Korean Chachi means penis. So the Koreans thought it was called Joanie Loves Penis! I shit you not true story, look it up! Also, Gimpy can not spell the word penis and blames it on the sun burn. UH-HUH!

Finally when we were checking out, first of all it took another five years and some random Chinese cashier helping Gimpy use the self check out, and second she stole an ice tea. For realz Cheshire P.D. come get Gimpy, it will give you something to do for once besides park at 7/11 and Dunkin Donuts! She wanted to go back and pay for it but I refused to let her for the 50 cents it cost. Why she did not put it on my food stamps I do not know. It was not me paying for it, it was all the people reading this tax dollars! You are welcome America! I offered to stop at the Cheshire police station that we drive by on the way to my house so Gimpy can turn herself in, but she said "no." So besides harboring a fugitive I ask myself how guilty Gimpy really feels about her stolen beverage? I blame it on the sun burn! Did I mention she had a sun burn? Sure enough while I am waiting for Gimpy to do the self check out and tumble weeds are rolling by, guess who else went rolling by sideways? My three year old fan along with Gramps pushing the cart behind him... and yup my fan really did walk sideways so he could stare at me the whole time until Gramps yelled at him to stop staring! Hell I am poor I would have taken a picture and signed something with my signature stamp for like five bucks if he wanted. I always knew being a "journalist" would get me fans I just never knew how young they started! Here is a picture of the stolen ice tea!

Here is Gimpy's sun burn notice how she looks like she survived the Holocaust, this is why her bony ass hurts me putting me back in my chair. She claims she eats a lot all the time but I have known her for nine months and have seen her eat twice. Those two times consisted of a sandwich, not like a subway one, one that your mom packs in your school lunch and two homemade cookies that I made her buy just to watch her eat that she said tasted like ass. Why Gimpy knows what ass taste like I do not want to know! But she has had a live porno made in front of her before so knows (true story)! The second time consisted of granola bar, that made her sooo full! Her parents should have named her Anna, think about it and you will get it!

GROSSSSSSSS!!!

NO SEX PLEASE, WE'RE BRITISH!!!

So here is a clip from the beautiful play that Gimpy made me go see even though she blew me off for the second time in a week. It is called No Sex Please, We're British. I never heard of it until about a month ago. Considering it was a local theater production at the Connecticut Cabaret Theatre in Berlin Ct. It was not that bad, I even laughed a few times. But yea my worker and I were probably the youngest people there by at least 20/30 years and I am 30! At least I got in for free because I wrote an article about it in the New Britain Independent. Who says I can only write about sports? Why did I go you ask? Well, Gimpy decided I had to be a creep for her and spy on the ex girlfriend of the guy she is pretending to still want to date so she does not lose $1400 going to Spain. Yup I swear I have the best people working for me. The ex girlfriend is the weird one who is doing the weird worm wiggle with her ass at the end of the video. I thought you could not do worse then Gimpy I was proven wrong. Did you know Gimpy has a random field of hay in the back of her house that looks like a vagina from up above? Why do I know this you do not want to know. It is like a random field of grass located in the middle of the woods behind my house. Nobody knows how it got there.

Highlights from the play include making best friends with the random old lady who got sat next to us at our table. Yep, she brought ginger ale to drink and am I surprised hell no, it is about as surprising as when the wife or the awkward turtle do not turn me in the middle of the night! It is only their job that they are paid to do why would they do such a thing? I found out random old lady's brother was from Worchester Mass. because my worker made the mistake of telling her she was too.Apparently she has season tickets I did not know this was a thing at the Ct Cabaret Theatre in Berlin Ct. At least she did not burp herself awake. Then there was the old ladies sitting across the table from us passing around a handle of vodka they opened right before the show mixed with sparkling waters I am not kidding. They also brought multiple bags of popcorn and peanuts with bowls to pour them in and lets not forget about the black solo cups because they are classier then red solo cups. Yup you are allowed to bring your own food and drinks to this place if I had known I would have gotten incredibly intoxicated while I was there. Apparently the old ladies sitting at the table in front of me did because at one point when the two girls playing hookers in the play including worm butt she yells, " what kind of hooker is she? She has no boobs!" Yep she was talking about crazy chain smoking worm butt aka daughter of Janis Joplin aka crazy ex girlfriend. Seriously it was like geezers gone wild in there if they got anymore liquored up they probably would have started throwing their depends and dentures on the stage. Seriously there was an old couple making out in the back. It was as nasty as when I saw the fat old couple making out in front of me at the Mets game yesterday dont nobody want to see that just be grateful you found each other! There is truly someone out there for everyone... love you wifey! Here is an awkward photo of worm butt! She is the Blonde one with her mouth hanging open.

   This chick be delusional. First of all she calls herself an actor when I am pretty sure a female actor is called an actress. Second of all she thinks she is going to become way famous by starring in local plays in Berlin that she pays to have a role in. Not making this up! She is also apparently going to Bali to finish her yoga journey or become a Baliwood "actor" I have no fucking idea. But she was also supposed to move to Australia and other parts of the world throughout the years with her ex boyfriend and that never happened. So it is probably as likely to happen as it is for me to win a Pulitzer Prize for writing this blog or reviews for No Sex Please, We're British! She also claims to be a singer when she smokes more then the wife and a chimney combined! Did I mention I love you wifey? Unfortunately she did not talk in the play very much so I could not really tell you what she sounds like but I am guessing it is close to the noise that Flappy made the time he accidentally got outside to our driveway and saw the neighbors cat it was not pretty folks! Speaking of not pretty they could not find better looking chicks to play hookers? First of all these broads paid to be in these roles... You could not be a little more picky? One of them had no boobs and is insane, the other one she looked like she came out on the other side of Caitlyn Jenner. I mean she had boobs but I think she might really be an actor aka she has a dick! She definitely had side burns and bad teeth so she could have passed as a British hooker I guess. Vote Trump2016!

Finally, you know what annoys me? People who lie about stupid shit that does not matter. Gimpy told me today that the Creepy Canadians boyfriend makes money  climbing into poop tanks and cleaning them out. When I asked Creepy Canadian if this was true she said no he does heating and air conditioning, which is true but she left out one important detail he climbs into poop tanks and cleans them. Why probably because she knows I am an asshole and will write about this and hysterically laugh, or she is just in denial which is not just a river in Egypt you know. Hey there is no shame in it you make a shit ton of money cleaning out poop tanks!  Or there was the time she had to train Gimpy when I first hired her. Gimpy had remembered meeting her at a party, but the Creepy Canadian said she did not remember meeting her. I said probably because you were blackout drunk, which she tried to deny. Not only did Gimpy confirm my theory, but apparently the Creepy Canadian was so drunk that she peed on Gimpy's foot in the woods that night! Yeah I wouldn't want to remember that night either then.

Business

Surprised coming from me? But I decided to start a funny T-shirt business. Since I have a type of muscular dystrophy, called spinal muscular atrophy I inappropriately named it Cripple Creation. They say it is not work if you do something you love. Well, besides writing, sports, skanks, and gambling this is what I came up with. Sure, I have only sold about five shirts so far, but I have a lot of fun designing them and then having them created and sent to my house. Now I have built a website for my business. Check it out HERE  I know it is far from perfect but not bad for a cripple, a gimp, a mom, the wife, an awkward turtle, and a creepy Canadian! Before anyone bitches I used my own time and money to make the products and have them delivered. I also used my own money to purchase the website. Hey, writing this beautiful thing and writing for free for new news websites does not pay the bills, so I had to come up with something!

These were my first two designs:

The first one is because I am handicapped and just like black lives I think all lives matter, including my people. Even if Gimpy makes me reserve concert tickets at the casino, when I have a gambling problem, and then pulls a no show because she is having a Beverly Hills 90210 size drama queen breakdown, I hope the actor murders you after I write a horrible review of "No Sex Please We're British" at the Berlin Ct. Cabaret Theater. Yep that is how I am spending my Friday night this week. Jealous? I bet you are. You know why I am going? Because Gimpy was supposed to meet me and the wife there along with her friend. Guess who is pulling another no show because she is scared. This chick aka gimpy needs to drop out of nursing school fly to LA and go try out for the first soap opera she comes across because her life is a bigger cluster fuck then mine, and that is saying something. Either that or Real Housewives of Hartford! Ok I am getting side tracked on Gimpy for a minute but our latest crazy theory both of our significant others are MIA most of the time. But then strangely enough they both literally  texted us at the same time this afternoon when we have not heard from them since Saturday... Today is Monday! Then to top it off I asked the wife if she was in Spain with Gimpy's boyfriend and she got mad because she thought we were both implying that they were having an affair with each other. The Wife is not the brightest bulb. PS. the only way I knew she was still alive is she looked at my snapchat story. Gimpy knew her boyfriend was alive because he changed his profile picture. What hot passionate relationships! 

The next shirt is more meant for women. Ryan Spooner is a hockey player in the NHL for the Boston Bruins. I just think his last name is hilarious, I do not even know what he really looks like, probably pretty horrible with a bunch of missing teeth because he is a hockey player!

These are my two new designs that came in today:

The first one is because unfortunately Donald Trump is one election away from becoming the next president of the United States. While I start packing my belongings and head for Mexico or Canada, I will tell you why I designed this because all the window lickers that work for me do not get it. Donald Trump was best known for hosting the reality show The Apprentice, besides his multiple failed businesses, marriages, and wheels crossed presidential campaign. Lets not forget his incredible racism. This jackass says everything that should ruin a politicians career but some how he keeps receiving votes. If he has his way I will probably be living in a concentration camp with gimpy, her parents and the creepy Canadian and her parents. The topper is the creepy Canadian's mom wants to vote for Trump, and Gimpy's mom wants to be deported. I am starting to see how this guy is getting elected. Anyway, Ryan Seacrest was the host of American Idol you know remember that show when it was really popular? So I figured if Trump wants to treat the presidency like a reality show, then who would make for a better Vice president then fellow reality show host Ryan Seacrest. Hey he needs a job American Idol just aired its last season. Sadly, if this dream ticket really happened I would vote for it. The other one is pretty self explanatory. Trumps business ideas, and his beliefs on life are so ridiculous that why not make a poop brown colored shirt that says Dump Trump on it. When I take a big shit I call it taking a big Trump. Plus, I have been to his casinos in Atlantic City New Jersey and they are Trump Dumps! No wonder he has had to file bankruptcy on them so many times.

So people do not get butt hurt I will be ordering this shirt and have it ready to purchase next month. I can probably say I voted the crypt keeper, Bernie Sanders. Sure, he is 73 and will probably die in office because he already looks like he might have and is the only person I know that has worse bed head then me and does nothing about it. But, I do not know Hilary seems like such a frigid uptight bitch I do not want her being president either. Her husband already had 8 years and he is best known for letting a fat intern S his D in the Oval Office and getting a stain on her dress, I threw up writing this. Yep, so sadly I will be basing my vote on who Trump and Hilary pick for their Vice President. Yep, if it is someone as awesome as Ryan Seacrest or the fat Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie then yea I will vote for Trump and laugh all the way on my train ride to my new home. Goodnight America!    

Train-wrecks

Being the sexy disabled gentleman I am, I have met, come across or ran into many train-wrecks in my day. Why in my 30 + years on this earth so many of them have come in and out of my life I do not know. Maybe they think I'm a wheelchair so they feel like oh his life might suck slightly more than mine so I will tell him all about the baggage I have. Even if he just happens to be sitting next to me on a train or in the waiting room of the hospital. Or maybe they just think I'm MR (Mentally Retarded) so I'll just smile, drool and say nothing back to them because I'm too busy trying to figure out the next window I want to lick the shit out of.  I'm not kidding I attract freaks like Donald Trump attracts endorsements from the KKK. We don't really want them but don't discourage them either. Why? Because they are just so fucking entertaining and it makes this blog a lot more interesting. Here's what I'm talking about. And you tell me if you think this is fucked up:

Ok so in my younger stupider days I would do just about anything for money. Dear God don't ever google wheelchair guy in CT + pancakes + clown car or you will be sorry with what you find. Whatever they would pay good money for clown pancake porn. Just kidding or am I? But I do know someone who is the father of a child of a friend of a friend's daughter ( follow me?) that got paid $20,000 to take it up the ass from his best guy friend when he was a kid. And yeah his baby momma still wants to be with him despite the fact that he has done gay porn, has cheated numerous times and has online dating profiles while still "together".  Plus he is an alcoholic with no license and barely a job, only because of his Dad who is about to throw him out of the house. This makes me feel better about the Wife and I's dysfunctional relationship because at least she's not on Farmer's Only and there are no videos of me online forever taking it up the ass biting a pillow for the whole world to see.

Anyways moving on, back in the day I found an ad on Craigslist from this girl that would pay me to write term papers for her. Being the idiot I am I did this for her for years. What, she was a huge slut and hot and sent me all sorts of bad stuff. In my defense this was way before the Wife came into the picture. The funny part is Big Boobs McGee would talk mad shit about her and kept telling me to stop being friendly with her and helping her with college. But believe it or not I have a soul so I felt bad for her. Shit she told me not joking: she was a pill head, she's a sex addict, confirmed by her sister, her mom is a crazy bipolar and cheats on her stepdad all the time and she has walked in on it, not to mention that her own sister said she is a drug addict whore that needs rehab and only uses people til she gets what she wants out of them. Oh and did I mention once sent me a picture of her boyfriend fucking her up the ass? I saved all these photos if anyone wants to see them. Maybe I can sell them on one of those revenge porn websites? Don't worry I'm not going too, but I might at this point. Finally this bitch is 30 and still a college undergrad, and has been to rehab more times than Lindsay Lohan and still snorts coke off all her boyfriends dicks. Ok, that was a slight exaggeration. But only slightly. Long story short, we ended up having a big fallout because she got mad that when she texted me my workers could see it because she would write and send such personal stuff. Um Amy Winehouse Jr, how do you think I was texting you back? You have met me in person and you know I can't move my fucking arms without assistance. Plus, the people working for me have seen worse things than veterans of the Vietnam War on my phone. They give no fucks. So since she never paid me the last paper I wrote for her, I contacted her professor and blew up her spot. Fast forward and she shows up at my house hysterically crying on New Year's Eve of all days because she was too cracked out to remember what day it was and that I could not respond to her on her phone because she blocked me on everything. She paid me finally, and truthfully I didn't give a fuck enough about this person and her sad life to see her get thrown out of college while she's collecting retirement. Get it? World's oldest undergrad student people .... her daughter comes to class to change her and her baby's diaper. Couldn't resist!! So I gave her professor a story about lying to get back at her and she was re-instated at whatever Mr Burns from the Simpson's went to. No, she's too dumb for Yale.... it's Uconn and not the main campus. One of the satellite ones the special people go to, seriously this dumb guy I went to high school with went to the same college as she did. Straight special ed classes this guy was in. He was scary. One time I think I saw him smelling a girl's hair in class. I swear to God. Not to mention the violent outbursts of anger in the hallway. One time somebody accidentally knocked him down in the hallway (true accident mind you) and he got up slammed his locker got in the kids face and yelled "WHAT THE HELL!" Violent outburst kid is about 5'4 and 80 pounds. And currently works at the QU Polling Institute. So his degree has done him a lot of good. But yeah anyways I told Whitney Houston's daughter (too soon?) that I would do her this favor even though she is a shitty person and I knew she would never want anything to do with me again. She swore up and down that wasn't true but sure enough it was. So here comes the kicker now her and Big Boobs McGee are friends and hang out all the time. Seriously? BBM your life wasn't fucked up enough? Remember how we met? And you're bringing this bitch into your friends circle? The same one you talked mads shit to me about. Good luck with that. You've always had a weird habit of trying to be friends with people I'm friends with. Be they strippers, ex girlfriends or the Wife. She's just the first one dumb enough to go along with it, but no I don't feel like hearing about your latest benders together, or what guys you're both screwing in the restrooms while you snort some lines. Have you seen Molly?

Finally, I know I share way too much information on here and social media. But here is a lovey status I came across in my Facebook newsfeed today:

Not to sound gross or unlady like.. Butttt I have major gas today 😅 and I don't think (Husband's name has been deleted to protect identity of the individual)  is enjoying it.. He goes, you nasty..
I'm like, well you do it all day every day so you better love my gas.. It's your son who is putting pressure on my insides that is causing it and all the weird foods he makes me crave and eat.. 😡
‪#‎lovethegas‬ 😅

It's great that you just got married and you two are having a baby. But here is what I know about this chick that lives in Hawaii and friends with BBM of course! Her and her now husband I guess, it's a nice day for a white wedding, can you say shotgun? They split up several time while she has been pregnant, she always brags about how guys still hit on her despite her pregnancy while they were split up, constantly brags about their sex life because every secure relationship requires you to brag about your sex life on Facebook, and constantly posts pictures and statuses of them talking about how in LOVE they are. Oh so that's why come February you were looking for a new baby daddy. Yeah I see this marriage ending on Divorce Court. Where all the crazy attention seeking couples end up when that last payment from your Burger King lawsuit of getting burnt by hot grease runs out. "Who's gonna buy Lacy diapers now that the Dag-gone money done run out? Dernit Jethro!" I don't even know you and this all the crazy shit I know about your life! Dear God make it stop!!! I remember when I use to know important things like State Capitals and all the Presidents of the United States. Now I have to worry about baby momma trying to figure out how to pay the fucking cable bill before Jethro blows his paycheck at the bar. Thanks Facebook! What happened to my life?

Woken up with a burp

Okay, so today Gimpy dragged me to the hair salon so she could get her hair did. I shit you not I sat there for three hours watching her get her hair done and look like an alien life form in the process. The highlights were that her best friend/ hair dresser looks like Demi Lovato, accidentally got bleach on Gimpy's eyebrow so they had to die it back to brown because it had yellow spots all over it, Miley is violently trying to claw my worker in the face or commit cat rape while I write this.  My poor workers, if it's not bad enough that I constantly fart in their face and blame it on Miley, they also have to deal with Miley and her balding Mohawk and puking randomly throughout the house now once a week. Plus, lets not forget the fact that her and Flappy like to sit by the door and meow at the top of their lungs for hours. Then, if you try to let them outside, Miley is scratching to come back in within about 4 minutes and Flappy just stares at you wondering why you opened the door for him. This is why Charles is the preferred cat of the household. He hides in the ceiling in my basement, comes back about five minutes a day to make sure my mom is home and he gets fed and otherwise runs if the doorbell or phone rings, because the world is big and scary, at least that's what I've learned from him. Miley is still being a needy whore, she ate something off the mouse pad, licked my worker's arm, climbed the computer table and finally walked away in diva disgust for not getting any attention from my worker and I, while I wrote this.

Then there was the old lady getting her hair done while Gimpy was as well. Granted she was probably born during FDR's first administration, but she was falling asleep while she was waiting for her hair to finish getting colored. All of a sudden, I heard a loud belching sound. At first I wasn't sure I heard correctly so I looked over at Gimpy who smiled at me and mouthed did you hear that? That is how I knew this lady burped, but not only did she burp but as I later found out from Gimpy she had burped herself awake. That is almost as good as when I had my horrible stomach virus in the hospital and I farted myself awake. Between that and all the old people who couldn't drive on the way there and on the home way, it was horrible. Hello people it's barely raining and it's been raining for like 2 straight weeks in crappy Connecticut, you can at least drive the speed limit. My favorite was Lucile, yes, that is what her license plate said. On the way to the hair salon she felt the need to break at every light and intersection even if there was no stop sign and the light was green. On top of that, good ole Lucile thought it would be funny to get my hopes up when she turned her signal light on at Dunkin Donuts, even though it was on the right and she was on the left side of the road, but after swerving back towards the driveway of DD, she decided no she had to go feed her cats and turned off her signal light and proceeded down the road in front of us at about 10 miles per hour. There was a huge line of cars behind us. I finally ran out of patience so I made Gimpy fly by her in the turn lane by the Walmart in Southington. You know it's bad when the 11 year-old van with 100.000 miles and bad brakes and massive shaking blows your doors off, but apparently Penelope still has some fight left in her.

Finally, there was the great news 8 broadcast I watched at 6pm tonight. Granted somebody who used to help me when I went to SCSU works as a reporter there now, but black baby Yeezus they had some stupid ass stories on tonight. First, there was the story about what to do if you see a black bear in our state. First of all, are people really that stupid that they need to be told what to do if they see a bear in the wild? Apparently, yes, because they had such great tips such as if you see one, don't take a picture with it. Okay, if you're dumb enough to be that fucking stupid as to try and take a selfie with a fucking bear you deserve to get eaten/mauled to death. There goes my great summer plan of strapping fish to myself and sitting in the woods of east buttfuck Connecticut waiting to take my bear selfies, too bad I even bought myself a bear selfie-stick. Second, are there really that many bears in this stupid state that we need a story on the news about what to do if we see one? If the answer isn't run and scream like a girl without shitting your pants then I guess so. Yes, I know you are not suppose to run or make a lot of noise because it actually encourages them to hunt you down. Your suppose to back away slowly or stand up against a tree with a stick in your hand so it runs into the stick and kills itself. Thank you weird ass discovery shows for teaching me how to not end up like the crocodile hunter or grizzly man. Who would of thought spending all your summers in the Alaskan wilderness with bears along with your wife would result in the both of you getting eaten alive by a bear, especially when you interacted with them like they were humans. Seriously watch Grizzly Man, the guy in it is so fucking dumb that you will be happy he gets eaten at the end. He thought his best friend was a fox and sobbed like a bitch when it got killed. I shit you not.


The other story I enjoyed on channel 8 tonight was the police are looking for a man in some stupid town in this stupid state who stole $700 worth off of shrimp from a grocery store. Why did this man need so much shrimp? And is there such a high demand on the black market for shrimp that he thinks he can turn a quick profit on his stolen shrimp? Either that or he has some freaky weird fetish I don't want to know about but will probably see on My Strange Addiction. But yeah, I don't think they're ever going to catch this idiot and even if they do why was this on the news? I know it's wrong that he stole but $700 dollars worth of shrimp and nobody saw him take it out of the store and maybe thought to try and stop him? Also, yeah I honestly don't care that he did even if it is illegal, you go Glen Cocoa, and enjoy your illegally obtained excessive amount of shrimp. I believe these two stories are good examples of why people feel the mainstream media has taken a serious downturn in the news they report. Hell, I work in this industry technically and I was even embarrassed watching these stories! Stop laughing, just because I write for a website and don't technically get paid yet along with this hilarious blog, doesn't mean I am not technically a journalist. I have a degree to prove it and it's not from an online University in Granada.  It's from this school that famous Alumni include a guy who makes Bagels and the daughter of Ed McMahon who got a building after himself despite going bankrupt before he died, even though his daughter never actually graduated from Quinnipiac... yeah she flunked out. Those are some great Alumni!

Walmart

So yesterday I had a really exciting day. First, like the classy cripple I am, I went and got my stuff out of pawn. Hey at least I bought it back..nobody is getting my 2003 CHS class ring, David Wright autographed baseball, and my 2005 New York Mets team autographed baseball unless it's the wife in my divorce or will or some sucker willing to pay wayyyyyyyyyyy to much money for it on ebay. I have to make money somehow. The good news is the New Britain Independent's office is not wheelchair accessible, but I don't really have to go there yet, I can still work from home. Also, the more they start paying for other expenses the sooner they can start paying their writers. In the mean time besides my hilarious Spooner shirts and handicapped lives matter shirts, I will soon be adding these to hilarious shirts to my Cripple Creation business.

Speaking of Trump it appears that the world is ending and he is about to become the republican presidential nominee, now that Cruz and Kasich have dropped out of the race. Hopefully, I will read this one day and laugh that he almost became president of the United States. If not I will be crying when I am reading this from my new home in Canada or Puerto Rico. Yup, I am going to become a creepy Canadian just like the worker I always make fun of. I'll start buying flannel and researching hockey and maple syrup prices now just in case. On the other side, I love Bernie despite him looking like the Crypt Keeper, but he needs to drop out as well. I don't like Hillary either but come on dude you need about 90% of remaining delegates to get the nomination and my dream ticket of Trump/Seacrest has a better chance of happening. For those who don't get it like the creepy Canadian it is my dream ticket because people in this country are so dumb that one of the two major political parties in this country has nominated someone for president that has no political experience, is a business man who has filed bankruptcy at least 3 times, says our current president is from Africa not racist at all, thinks all Mexicans and people from the Middle East are terrorists or rapists, makes fun of cripples, says he has all these ideals to fix our country, but has no answers when asked how he will execute these ideas, and is best known for being a host of a reality show. Well, if a reality host is who this country wants as president why not another reality show host named Ryan Seacrest as vice president? Since I don't want to vote for Hillary either and will simply be voting for a president basked on who they pick to be their vice president I say why not Trump/Seacrest 2016! It's better than Trump/Bergeron.

Finally the rest of my day was spent grocery shopping with my food stamps like all classy people. First I went to Stop & Shop and bought such healthy things as ice cream and chocolate milk. Of course this weird creepy old guy kept getting in my way everywhere I went to buy stuff. Later on I saw him just standing in the magazine aisle reading one from cover to cover, thinking how sad he probably sits here all day doing that because he has nothing better to do all day. So what did I do when I was in Walmart later that day read a wrestling magazine from cover to cover because ya know I had to kill an hour before I had to pick up my nasty throat infection medicine from CVS, fuck you asthmanax inhaler! I was being nice for once and helping my worker pick up things she needed during her shift because apparently she is crazy busy this week. While shopping I purchased an Iron Sheik action figure because I am 12, candy for the wife and her roommate, and litters with a pickle on them for the wife because ya know she smokes like a chimney and pickles look like dicks. Yup I am classy and very mature. I also bought a hilarious white trash shirt for the mom for mothers day..not my actual mom the mom that works for me, the shirt says #1 mom. I also saw this mess in the magazine aisle at Walmart!