Waka Flaka Flame

So I was watching Clash of Champions the other night on WWE network and there's I believe he was... I'm not sure how he does it or affords it, I mean shit I sat at the front row at a wrestling show once and it was $500... totally worth it. I got water spit on me and got to watch grown men in their underwear climb all over each other, that's totally not gay or anything. Anyway, anytime I watch a pay per view on WWE network I always notice as I believe it to be him. Seriously, is he a relative of one of the wrestlers? Or maybe one of them is into trannies? For the record, nothing against gay people or trannies I love watching I am Cait on the E network and hope to meet her one day. Anybody that stars in a movie with the Village People and then on CHiPs is alright in my book. Look it up dammit its true. But yeah I always go back and forth if this person is a guy or girl. They have long hair, but their arms are jacked and they usually wear tank tops or tight fitting shirts or pants. Yet, there are no boobs to speak of. But there they always are in the front row of every pay per view and occasionally Smackdown or Raw. Here is pictures of said person. The first one is scary as fuck I did so intentionally. The second one gives you a better look. I need to figure out more info about this person like who they are, how they always sit in the front row at WWE shows, and maybe can they get me in the front row?

In other news, my cat Flapjack aka Flappy is a fat dick. Seriously, he runs around the house climbing on the kitchen counter or table when he is not suppose to be up there and either knocks everything on the floor or tries to eat my bananas. When he's not doing that he's running between every door in the house crying to go out even though he's an indoor cat. Then, when you open the door to let him in the screened in porch or the garage when the doors are shut he won't go, or if he does he takes about 5 steps, sits there, and tries to come back in in 2 minutes. Meowing at the top of his lungs the whole time he's by the door. However, if you do not pay enough attention to him or open the door to fake let him out he'll jump up on the stand where I keep my workers' timesheets and then knock them purposely on the floor. He then triumphantly lays on top of them in total victory as if to say fuck you for not letting me outside. For these reasons I finally submitted him to cat shaming on instagram, yes its a thing look it up, and I know that its pathetic that I know this. Here is some photos of the asshole in action.

Tim Tebow hit a home run in his first at bat on the first pitch during his first game in the instructional league for the Mets. Fucking christ of course this would happen. It took Michael Jordan over 300 at bats to hit his first minor league home run and of course Tebow does it on the first pitch on his first at bat. I already know whats going to happen. Because the Mets are always the second class baseball team in New York to the Yankees, the Mets will call him up to the major league roster next September when the roster expands if he shows any signs of talent. Not only will it guess jesus freaks and girls that love them some Tebow to come to games but it will make the Mets lots of money. If there is one thing the Mets will do its anything to make a lot of money. Who knows though nobody thought he would be a good quarterback and he won the Heisman and made the playoffs in the NFL. Plus, he was Allstate in baseball back in 05' but I also weighed 150 back then. But I also could write this shit by myself back then. So lets just say a lot can change in 11 years.

Finally, since I'm going to Vegas again Feb 6-9th, flying Jetblue from JFK to Vegas and back and staying at the MGM because I got 2 free nights. I'm trying to make/save money any way possible. Therefore, here is a list of some of my upcoming shows where I do stand up comedy and sell my hilarious shirts:

9/29   9pm Vines on Church in Middletown
10/4   7pm  Open Mic at the Funny Bone (Manchester Mall)
10/6  10pm  Comix in Mohegan Sun (tickets are $10 and I need at least 4 people to show up)
Purchase tickets here
11/17  10pm Comix in Mohegan Sun (Tickets are $10 and I need at least 4 people to go)
purchase tickets here
Plus I believe I'll be doing a show again in West Haven sometime in October and who knows where else. Check my blog for updates. These are the 4 shirts I sell after all my shows and if you'd like to see other designs or purchase one online click here

 

What the french toast?

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while, hope you didn't cry too much without me. I've been moving away from writing cuz you know why would I want to do something my mom spent several thousand dollars on for me to go to grad school for while I can do standup comedy for crowds of 8 people for free? Did I mention I make a lot of good life choices? I'm going to put the video of my routine at the Bar I performed at in West Haven last weekend if more than 8 people click and watch it, that will be a bigger crowd than I performed for! Hey at least I sold one of my shirts during my show so I made $20 out of it which is better than I normally do. Plus I met another comedian who performs all over the Northeast and him and his friend might get me some more comedy gigs. I'll also be performing at the Funny Bone in Manchester mall next Tuesday October 4th and I have a show at Comix at Mohegan Sun on Thursday November 17th. Tickets are only $10 you cheap assholes and I have to bring at least 4 people so you better fucking show up. I might perform at Ana Liffey's in New Haven Wednesday if I can find a ride. Or I might perform in Middletown on Thursday if I'm feeling brave. Apparently the place in Middletown doesn't have a ramp but they're willing to try to pick my fat ass up in my chair. But uh my chair with me in it is almost 500 pounds so I don't know if its a good idea to try it. Here's the link to my Mohegan Show in November http://comixcomedy.com/event.cfm?cart&id=459118 buy tickets assholes.

I bombed pretty bad last week at Bar80 in North Branford. The problem was that I was performing at a bar and it was the first time they were having a comedy open mic. So most of the people there were there for the bar, not the open mic. Also, being a cripple with one retarded lung I can only talk so loud.  So yeah, basically nobody was listening to what I was saying and if anybody was they sure as fuck weren't laughing at my jokes. Plus, because I can only talk so loud nobody could really hear what I was saying anyways. The biggest laugh I got was at the end when I said fuck all of you you've been terrible. The only thing that came out of it was I met the love of my life haha.  It was some blonde girl who I thought was named Chelsea that helped me get in the bar. She told me she works as an engineer and she also sang at the open mic. I thought I found her on fb but it was a different chick. This chick was a hot blonde named Chelsea too. But of course she has a boyfriend or so she says. I just think she can't handle what a fine piece of ass I am. I mean come on I'm 31 have two basically maxed out credit cards and paypal credit maxed out and I live with my mom with no real job to speak of. I'm a fucking catch. I'm gunna make her read this so she can see what she's missing out on haha. Anyway,  I'm going to have to write one of those missed connections on Craigslist to find the girl I met at the bar.

I got offered two free nights at the MGM in Las Vegas so since the last time I was really happy was when I went there on my 30th birthday, I'm going back February 6-9th. Sure I have to fly JFK to Vegas on Jetblue because for some stupid reason Crapnetticut doesn't have any direct flights in February, but it's totally worth it. I mean yeah, if my mom and sister don't pay for my worker and I's flights for Christmas I'll probably have to start making cripple porn or become wheels the male exotic dancer, but its Vegas so its worth it. I will also be selling pretty much every possession I own that I've been holding on to that is hopefully worth money so if you want any random sports teams television movie or music memorabilia, hit me up I probably have it. Sure I can probably get a job to save up between now and February but that would be the mature, responsible thing to  do... so yeah that probably won't happen. So look for Bob does Bridgeport coming to the Adult dvd store near you soon.

Here's a video of a cripple telling jokes... damn he's funny and good looking.

Sit down comedy at Comix Mohegan Sun

Thanks to my brother-in-law for cleaning up the audio. I don't feel like fighting with him anymore, he's a cool guy and he's done a lot of good things for me. So I'm publicly taking back the crap I talk, I'm done fighting with my brother-in-law and sister, hopefully they will be too. I know it's still hard to understand but it's better than it was. I will also paste my routine, I changed up part of what I said but you can get the gist of it here. I threw in a joke about my mom liking my sister better than me and that's why she stayed home to watch my sisters dog because he can't be home by himself. But apparently my mom thinks I can, just a joke people don't get mad. I also added a joke about how everyone thinks I am so nice and great because I am in a wheelchair, but I am not. In fact I told a pregnant girl I hope she died giving birth the other day. Did I mention it was my sister I said that to?...well she's a cunt. And she fucked up my lunch. Finally the joke that really made people laugh was the one I told about the guy I graduated high school with who also happened to be performing that night. In his routine he made jokes about being fat, in my defense, so I said - let's hear it for Giancarlo...he was great tonight him and I grew up together and I'm wondering if he was thinking holy shit he's still alive when he saw me tonight. I said yeah I'm still alive and I'm funnier than you, you fat piece of shit. The rest I'll paste here, some of it I took out and some of it I worded differently but you'll get the gist of what I said. Hope you enjoy! 

I know what you are thinking right now..fucking Jesus Christ we are gonna have to pretend to laugh at this retarded guy telling knock knock jokes for five minutes. WTF honey.. I didn’t throw down $20 to spend my Thursday night watching the special Olympics of comedy. Yeah well fuck you because you are stuck listening  to me for five minutes. Most people choose to go to the Grammy’s or the Super Bowl for their make a wish..I choose to try standup comedy…maybe this is why I am 31 years old, $10,000 dollars in debt with two useless college degrees sleeping in my moms basement! I have made some good life choices.

People always like to tell me I am so nice and brave to do all that I do just because I’m disabled… I hate to tell people but I’m a fucking asshole…I mean I really fucking hate people… look at that guy over there wtf are you staring at?! You have never seen a guy in a wheel chair before doing sit down comedy? Yeah fuck you dude you are an asshole.

By the way cripple is my word, I’m allowed to say it, just like black people are allowed to use the N word….if I hear any of you assholes say it, I’ll roll right up to you and run your ass over.

Us cripples are so nice that when I went to summer camp with a bunch of them, a group of them got together and beat up a clown that was there to entertain us…swear to fucking god… not sure how it went down but it went down!

Some people say war is hell but they never went to summer camp for 10 years with a bunch of other cripples, by the way that’s our word.. black people have the N word we have cripple..but I swear to fucking god if I hear one of you guys say it I’ll run your ass over. Anyways when I went to cripple camp I saw some things..have you ever seen a guy wacking it and drolling while holding a stuffed caterpillar because I have at cripple camp..sure I know my parents sent me there every summer for two weeks because It was probably the only time they could have sex but god dam mom and dad think about the money you had to spend on psychiatric care for me was it really worth it? One time I shit you not this kid came out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and shit all over his ass..these are things that you shouldn’t have to see when you are 12 it was like staying in the psych ward for two weeks ..but the most fucked up time was the time I got caught downwind from a guy that had crapped his pants I mean actually crapped his pants to this day I still can’t go to the zoo because the smell reminds me of that horrific night it was my 9/11!

I grew up In Cheshire CT it’s fucking shitty because all it’s known for was the brutal Petit family murders. I hate when people ask where I am from because then it is always followed up with did you know that family that was killed? Being the asshole that I am I always say yeah actually they were my neighbors and I happen to wonder over there that night and man let me tell you some shit went down.  You should see the fucked up looks I get from people after I say that.

Speaking of my lovely town, Giancarlo Biondiono is here tonight…. Yeah I don’t know who the fuck he is either, but apparently we graduated high school together. All of our parents must be so proud, Cheshire’s finest doing the late show at the casino… Well I guess we’re really going places.

Finally I wanna leave you with a bit of advice… IF you’re ever feeling bad about your own life, find a documentary to watch on Netflix. Theres some fucked up shit on some fucked up people on there….The other night I was watching a documentary about people who were in love with inanimate objects…. Seriously this one lady thought she was married to the Eiffel Tower. So since I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating world, I decided to date one of my old wheelchairs… I had to dump that bitch though, she was always letting people sit on her face….. I’m Robert Held I hope you have a good week… And at least remember, you can walk out of here.

Conspiracies

So you know my life every time things start to go well for me a bunch of bad shit happens. Yeah I know I'm an asshole but I've really been trying to be nicer lately. Even Gimpy started talking to me again and she's always mad at me and calling me an asshole. I guess I must really be a jerk though cuz after I finally found enough people to help me, the exwife gets rushed to the hospital where she'll be for a while, Big boobs Mcgee goes on her 1,000 vacation even though she claims to have no life, I guess dropping Molly and getting drunk off your ass takes up a lot of time. Anyway, she is supposedly moving to California in a few months, awkward turtle thinks shes big time now and when she gets her certification she'll be getting a real job, and then the girl who only comes once a week unless its a goddamn miracle, no nickname for her yet, now says she's moving to Florida in November. Fuck I hate this state too can't one of you assholes take me in your suitcase? Two of the new people I hired seem really nice and actually want to come in to work a lot. Even though they have children so I'm worried about them also getting shit diseases or having husbands who don't actually want their wives to work because they think its 1967 and they have to stay home all day watching the children and cooking dinner. Yeah, that was a shot at someone who used to work for me, I'll let you figure out who. Because I knows you still reading this. Hi Michele, whoops I guess I gave it away. Black Jesus loves you.

So yeah I interviewed another person today because peppy PT girl quit... more like I probably scared her off because I'm a cranky asshole and she's always happy and peppy. Those two traits don't match well with me. Supposedly she got a job working with old people closer to where she lives which amounts to fuck off your an asshole and I don't like helping you. Her replacement came to train today, I guess the first red flag should have been when she told me her background check would come up with past arrests. I'm always willing to give people a second chance though, I have 2 former strippers and people I met on Craigslist working for me. Not saying its working out well, but hey at least I'm charitable. So yeah she comes in to train today and in the middle of showing her how to get me up she asks Hippie love child and I if we believe in evolution or creationism. Say what now? If I gave the wrong answer were you not going to work for me? Then later on she tried to tell Hippie Love Child and I that Pokemon go was created by the CIA to spy on people and that the CIA is always watching us. Finally, she kept telling me how her and her husband were probably going to get divorced soon. Um, I just met you for the second time, why are you telling me all this? As much as I want a paranoid schitzo working for me I think I'm going to have to take a hard pass. I mean I love me some crazy bitches because they're so entertaining but I also don't want to be stabbed in my sleep. Cheshire has already had enough brutal home invasion murders in my lifetime. Too soon? Yeah probably, I may or may not make jokes about that in my routine tomorrow., Which starts at 10pm at Comix the comedy club at Mohegan Sun Casino in CT. Tickets start at $10, hows that for shameless self promotion? Yeah, I am totally going to try to sell some shirts while I perform. Hey I gotta kill 5 minutes somehow. Want to see what my routine is going to be? To fucking bad I'm a working sit down comedian you don't get my jokes for free anymore. I mean sure I'm still performing for free at late night comedy show on a Thursday at the Casino, but ya know you gotta pay to come see it. I'm looking to form an entourage before I get too famous might as well get in on the ground floor. Sluts get in for free because I love me some sluts. Signature stamp autographs are $5. I gots to get paid I might have a stepson to raise soon. What about me, what about Raven? Goodnight America I will be back later this week to write about how my performance went.

I even made it to the website bitches. Looky here

Pat Oates, one of the top comedians in Southern New England, always brings a raw and realistic perspective to the comedy scene. Transparency is the key word with him, as Oates holds nothing back in his non-filtered brand of humor. Oates has been headlining clubs across the northeast for almost a decade now, is known for his appearances on E! Network and Sirius XM Radio, and recently won 2015's Last COMIX Standing Competition at COMIX Comedy Club. Joining Oates will be Robert Held, Cliff Mula, Kristy Lafluer Nelson, Kirsten Logan, Billy McCusker, Joe Flynn, Colin Cook, and Frankie Hill!

I am funny damnit

The other day I actually finally got the nerve up to try standup comedy, or in my case I guess it's more like sit down comedy. I decided to go fourth because I figured no matter how bad it went going that early everybody would forget. I had to say it actually went pretty well. At first I thought everyone was just being nice and saying I did a good job but I guess I did okay because one of the guys performing slipped me a note asking if I want to perform at the monthly show he puts on at the comedy club in Mohegan Sun. Of course my dirty, raunchier stuff went over well. Disappointingly when I made fun of awkward turtle it totally bombed. Apparently people just want me to say obscene obnoxious things. They recorded the show so I will eventually post a clip of my performance when I get it. I had a lot of funny stuff in my mind but once you get up there your mind goes blank. Once I do post the video, don't watch it in front of children or people who are easily offended.  I said some fucked up shit.

In other news, my workers are annoying me, shocking I know. First, I was an asshole because I got upset that one of my workers who only comes one night a week told me 24 hours in advance that she wasn't coming in for her one shift. Then she freaked out on me when I got upset for giving me hardly any time to find coverage. I understand people have other jobs and lives outside of work but god even Big Boobs McGee gave me three weeks warning that she wouldn't be here next week. They all know by now what an asshole I am, so nobody wants to work for me, and you expect me to find someone in 20 hours? I told a pregnant girl I hope she dies giving birth last week! What? That bitch had it coming she fucked up my lunch. Yeah that's going in my routine. Hey, if I made a joke about the Petit family murders, I can make jokes like that. Too soon?! I got over it though because she is coming Friday night when I really needed someone because my mom won't be around that night or Saturday morning. So I can't bitch too much. Wait... I bitch about everything of course I can bitch about this!!!

So today, the ex-wife (she knows what she did) but yeah I'm so fucked up I still have her working for me. Perhaps this is why I have daily thoughts of rolling in front of a train. I never understood how people go crazy and murder people that they love, until I met her. She has me one argument away from the psych hospital. Hope you'll come visit me when I try my jokes on the patients in there with me. I'm really not kidding. But anyways, today she kept texting me to say that she might be a few minutes late because there was a bad accident in front of ESPN and lifestar and cops were there. I kept telling her it was fine... pictures of the convo to be posted after this paragraph.

And she kept texting me some garbage about how she thought it was disrespectful to be late and she just wanted me to know even though I kept saying it was fine that she would be a few minutes late. As a joke, I told her to pop a xanax and chill because she kept going on about it. Between that comment and telling her oh my god you're already being so annoying today ... both texts clearly sarcasm... apparently she arrived here already to fight with me. Then later on she was trying to ask me questions about yeast infections and I told her I don't have a vagina so I don't really know the answer to her questions. Which was then followed up by her telling me someone had left a huge shit stain in my toilet. Well, short of me plopping out of my chair head first into the toilet and scrubbing it out with my head, I'm not sure what she wanted me to do about it.  So I told her unless you want to clean it up I'm not sure what you want me to do about it, but I don't want to keep talking about a shit stain in my toilet. Apparently all these things make me a rude horrible person and now she doesn't want to work extra hours on Saturday. Um thats not really a punishment when every time you're here all you do is drive me crazy and fight with me. You're the one popping out a baby in 4 months trying to save up money because your not going to be able to work for a while before and after. I would think you would jump or in your case waddle at the chance to pick up some more hours and save up some more money. Your hurting yourself and your future child more than me by threatening to not come in or leave in the middle of a shift or quit. If I'm that bad to work for then why do you keep coming to work? One day I'm just going to say fine when you make these threats and then you really won't be able to pay your bills. The best part is, one day she'll read this and somehow make it sound like I'm so mean, yeah I'm mean, but I don't manipulate people into caring about me and taking care of me, only to turn around and complain and threaten me every time I don't do what you want. Today's life lesson class. children should not raise children.

Happy Birthday to Me

Last year on this day I was preparing to leave for my 30th Birthday trip to Las Vegas.... this year as I'm about to turn 31, I'm shopping for babies (maybe I'll write about that one day maybe not). And the highlight of my day was finding a coupon for a $1 off chocolate Milk until I realized I bought the wrong brand. It's amazing how fast things can change in a year.

Anyway, since I'm an asshole I'm still looking for people to help me. As I always say I can never find enough people to help me. This was a recent email interaction I had with a potential employee.

My response: "They're cats, they tend to go and shed everywhere, that's why they are cats. They jump out of every corner of my house so you never know where they will be. It's how I keep myself entertained by scaring the shit out of my employees"

Can you believe after my pleasant response that she didn't contact me again? Yeah, I'm not surprised either. But seriously I get if you're severely allergic to cats but um hello I have three and I'm obviously not going to get rid of them to hire you. Yup, they shed and pretty much go everywhere in my house, that's what makes them cats. Plus, honestly who is afraid of cats? I always joke that I want to live in a shack in the woods by myself throwing cats at people who walk by and disturb me but apparently this bitch thinks I actually do that. This is why I'm an asshole. Honest to god there was a time I was nice to people and appreciated what they did for me. As I get older though I can't help but feel like people are getting dumber, more selfish, and annoying, I'm one step away from being that guy rolling out onto my front lawn in my underwear yelling at kids to get off my property.

Another recent highlight of mine was watching this weird documentary on Netflix about people that are in love with inanimate objects. Like actually in love as in they have sexual feelings for these things and I'm pretty sure they fuck them somehow. I don' t know they didn't go in to specifics but they were definitely sexual with them! Where to begin? Lets start with the lady from Maine. She was in love with the Eiffel tower to the point that she had a commitment ceremony with it. Also, her legal name is Elaine Eiffel because this bitch thinks she's legit married to the Eiffel tower. However, after her commitment ceremony she started getting negative publicity. You really thought you could marry the Eiffel tower and not get people talking shit about you? Needless to say she's now banned from going there so she had to move on. What was the next object of her affection? The Berlin Wall. That's some fucked up shit. She actually must not know the horrible things that it represented. She takes chunks of it and paints them... but if you saw the expression she makes when she's painting it and walking around touching it you would vomit. Like the thought of a 500 pound naked woman vomit. But at one point she had a chunk delivered somewhere and it almost fell off the forklift. She legitimately almost started sobbing when that happened. Did I mention she also has a tattoo of the Eiffel tower on her chest and a tattoo of the Berlin wall on her back? Don't even want to think about what she does with those! This woman is kind of a hussy though, she's moved on from the Berlin Wall and now she's in love with some giant Crane. Not sure how she found it and why the Berlin wall is okay with her cheating on it. But I'm thinking she likes it because it looks like a huge dick. Seriously when the bitch climbed up it she looked like she was about to orgasm.

The next lady was even better. She was a private pilot. In case you were wondering, yes she was in love with her airplane at one point, but she says she can no longer date the object she works with because it makes things too complicated. I feel your pain lady, I tried dating my wheelchair once, and that slut just made anybody sit on her face. I'm still not over it. Thats why I had to sell my last chair. Anyway, she originally realized she loved inanimate objects when one day she basically got off while riding a train (sorry you had to read that especially if you know what this chick looked like). So what did she do next? Got a job working as a train conductor. And it was love at first sight, but then the romance came to a sudden harsh ending when she was caught in her words "in an intimate embrace" with the train and was fired from her job. I don't want to know what her definition of intimate embrace is. But how does one fuck a train? I don't really want to know but I can't help but wonder... so then she got a job working at an amusement park as a ferris wheel conductor. Yeah, of course she fell in love with the fucking thing and would ride it at night in more than one way... vomit. Things were going well Bruce, yes she called him Bruce don't know how she knew it was a him. Unfortunately though after a four year relationship Bruce got knocked over in a severe thunderstorm and she lost track of him for 25 years. Not sure how she tracked him down, but she spent 83,000 dollars over the course of 8 months to restore him. Yeah, this is why she lives in a single wide trailer in the middle of nowhere. She says one day she wants to buy a piece of property for her and Bruce to live on all by themselves. She also had a commitment ceremony with Bruce. And yes after he was restored they renewed their vows. First of all, did Bruce honestly have a say in any of this? How did she know he wanted to marry her? But don't worry their were rings exchanged.  Not sure how Bruce puts his on, and she even found some non denominational priest to marry them. The priest was also a freak, at one point in the movie he started crying when he was talking about the time his church removed the first ever sound board he fell in love with. He still is haunted to this day at the thought if she's still alive and in good shape. I feel ya man, I often wonder what happened to my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle table hockey game. The other people in the movie weren't as interesting, one chick was in love with the statue of liberty, her drums, and the flag of the United States. Although if you saw the way she touches her drums you would throw up too. At first her parents thought her love of drums was cute, until they realized she actually wanted to fuck them. She also claimed that flags had the personalities of children... umm so since you want to screw them doesn't that kind of make you a pedophile? Either way, all these people should be locked up. The last guy was in love with his car and was saddened by the thought of her getting older and breaking down. He was however very open with the fact that they had a sexual relationship. I'm assuming he bangs the tailpipe? Or does he just shove the stick shift up his butthole? Your welcome for that visual image.  The fucked up part is all these people didn't understand why so many of their friends and family wanted nothing to do with them after they found out. Um I don't know because you're a sexual predator? Good luck ever finding or maintaining a job after anybody watches that. I forget the exact name, but I will post a picture below so you can watch it for the train wreck that it is. Apparently it is called Animism and this is the babe that used to fuck trains and is now married to Bruce the Ferris Wheel.



Also, don't forget I will be making my stand up debut at the Hartford FunnyBone this Tuesday, which is actually in the Manchester mall, there's a joke in that somewhere! Until then, almost happy 31st birthday to me.