People Herpes Never Die!

 First off, this is going to be short, sweet and too the fucking point, because I'm losing my voice for some reason. With my luck I'm getting sick. #crippleproblems And second, I've been doing lots of stupid shit on here besides writing this. And third, here comes tipsy! Not the family dog, it was me as a toddler runnin' with a sippy cup! None of you got that last sentence, but it's fine, you don't deserve too.

(*Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

Before I delete it off of my social media, here she is to wreck the day...I think she's stoned in this picture but it's okay because I look it too.

***DISCLAIMER*** THIS PHOTO IS ONE I HAVE TAKEN OFF MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AND THEREFORE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE IT IN MY POST. THIS IS NOT ALLEGED BITCHFACE, JUST SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THE ALLEGED BITCHAFCE CHARACTER I WRITE ABOUT.

Anyways, bitchface strikes again! Hopefully for the last time! Of course she told my mother she never received her final paycheck, which we all know is bullshit, and shouldn't even be sent to you since you made up these alleged hours you "worked", but that's besides the point because my mom is a lot nicer person than I am, and just wants you to GO THE FUCK AWAY. Oh yeah, and stop texting her, because YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE! Don't worry, she stopped payment on the first one so when you go to cash both, which I pray you do because your dumb ass will get arrested for check fraud, you wont be able to cash it. Sucks to suck bitchface, and you suck better than a straw! How many bitchfaces does it take to understand a restraining order?! Didn't they teach you about those in rehab or the psych ward... Apparently not. Or you missed that day in school...wait you never finished school. Typical New Britain trash, could you be anymore of a stereotype?! 22, unemployed puerto rican collecting social security along with both your parents, and foodstamps and welfare while your parents raise your bastard child"younger brother" because they are too religious to admit that you popped a baby out of your slut hole at 15. Too bad, you could've been on that MTV show, you're just as trashy as the rest of those bitches. Fuck, no wonder he is autistic, because you were on drugs the entire time you were pregnant. At least I figured out why you had to drop out of school. Fuck, I should be a police detective, I'm good at this shit.

Back to my original point, bitchface was too dumb too block one of my current workers(one of her former friends)...gee I wonder why they ain't friends anymore... on Facebook, right away, so guess what bitchface, she saw all your statuses about me. Since we're not supposed to be talking about each other on social media, or the internet. But whatever, I am too. So whatever you know where I live, maybe you can send more cops to my house at 4 am, I'm pretty sure I'm protected by the first amendment. Thank you college, something bitchface could only get into if it was Clown or Hamburger U! However, because of this it gave me the satisfaction of knowing that my statuses and blog posts, and pranks are doing a GREAT job at pissing you off! I haven't been that happy in years. Anything to make your life miserable. Also she claims that I'm delusional, psychotic, and so obsessed with her that I can't let it go because I'm madly in love with her. Bitch, you look like Ronald McDonald's daughter... I AM NOT in love with you, maybe when I was 5 and my fat ass had a thing for Ronald McDonald's daughter... but not now. Gimpy told me you were an easy slut, so I know if I threw some dollars at you, literal dollars, you would pretty much do whatever I wanted. And I fucking hate Gimpy too, but she was right! You think every guy that meets you in madly in love with you and brag how 40 guys a day message you on social media, but no that just means they think you're an easy whore, and I mean they are right. But trust me honey, they are not in love with you, they just wanna get their dicks wet. And I'm sure you've satisfied many customers. I mean, she doesn't do it for free. But they best part is, and I know this will burn you when you read it.... No non ghetto, non drug dealing trash is EVER going to want to take your ass home to mom... Fuck, the guy you dated for years was a coke head and he even got sick of your crazy cheating ass. If you can't keep Mr. White Lines, I don't think you're getting any self respecting man to put a ring on it or produce more children with you. Maybe some rich married guy will keep you as a side bitch, but that's the best you can hope for. Looks fade with age to be honest, so by the time your mama's age you'll be pullin' in fake welfare checks just like her... The apple don't fall too far from the tree! You'll probably have 5 kids with 5 different baby daddies, but at least you'll get a bigger welfare check that way! Always a smart plan, especially since that's what your parents encourage. Like Kanye says, "she have one of yo' kids, got you for 18 years". Here's a picture of Kanye making a Bitch face in honor of bitchface.

Before I really do get arrested, this will be my last blog post addressing the bitchface issue (allegedly). I love writing about her, and she is a comedic gift that keeps on giving. But... I ain't goin' to jail for NO bitch. So bitchface, I'll leave you with this: I honestly am not crazy, I'm not obsessed with you, I do not miss you working for me, and I was never madly in love with you, past or present tense. Did I use you to make the ex wife jealous? Absolutely I fucking did. So this is goodbye, I won't miss your crazy ass and I honestly hope you straighten your life out, and wish nothing but the best for you. Shocking I wrote that, I know, but I actually mean it. But I'm assuming you're always going to be the piece of shit you are. So good luck getting high, watching Sausage Party on endless re-runs while you pass out on the couch in your parents section 8 house, while all three of you collect welfare, until Trump deports your ass and takes those sweet welfare checks away! Plus the ex wife and the other traveling circus that works for me give me plenty of good stories to write about, so I don't need to write about you anymore. Adios Puta!


Finally remember awhile back when I wrote about the "original mom's" husband blowing me up with text messages on election day?To leave her alone and stay out of her life, even though she hadnt worked for me in 6 months? Oh and lets not forget the ex wife insists she doesnt even think about me anymore, I am an afterthought to her. Well that's funny guys, cause guess who poked me on Facebook the other day? ORIGINAL MOM!!! And here is the proof! Or in honor of the Oscars... do you like apples?! How do you like DEM APPLES! It's from an Oscar winning movie assholes!

I have nothing against her anymore, and I really dont care that she was stalking my facebook, but tell your husband and the ex wife, your new bestie, that I had NOTHING to do with this poking business. And I did not poke back for the record, nor will I ever. I don't know what you do for a living now, but do not ever become an undercover police officer, because you suck at it. Not everyone can figure out bitchface has a bastard child that they pretend is her little brother, okay one of my workers helped me with that theory, but I really think it's true and I'm taking the credit for it.

Come see me perform at Dangerfield's Comedy Club this Monday in NYC! Tickets are $15 at the door and I'm super proud to be performing there. If you don't know my other shows by now, check out my last blog post. So much for this being short.

(*Just to emphasize again... Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

Fuck ya Chicken Strips

Now that I want to eat them, I figured I would say what up world since I haven't written in this beautiful thing in  about a week. Did you miss me? I would miss me. I've just been working really hard to get my beach body for the summer. Who wouldn't wanna see this rolling around in a swimsuit on the beach? Hey somehow I won over the wife, yeah still don't understand that one myself. Ya know, I got in trouble this week because she read all the complaining I did about her on here. Yeah, I guess I feel kind of bad. I do love her and care about her but ya know she also drives me nuts to the point where I'll probably end up in the psych ward with a straight jacket on bouncing my wheelchair off the padded walls saying, "there is the wife" as I repeatedly slam my chair off the walls. But hey I'm proud of myself, my lazy ass did a lot this week. I went to the doctor and found out my diabetes is a lot better so I only have to take my pill once a day now instead of twice. So much for my backup career as a Wilford Brimley impersonator saying "I have die-beetuhs!" Pretty sure it's just the pill making it better because I still don't eat that great. I went from getting blackout drunk everyday to just once a week. Just Kidding, or am I? I can't help it I love drinking hand sanitizer, its just so delicious! On Wednesday, I got my lazy ass up and to a New Britain Bees game to cover it at 10:30 in the morning. Amazing, I know.  It is one of those bring all the brats from local school games so that's why it was so frieking early in the morning. My favorite part was when the kids would chant "lets go Bees" because it didn't actually sound like that, it sounded like they were chanting "S O Bs" which is much better in my opinion. Then I had to rush out of there to bring my spazz cat to the vet because she had licked her fur so much it looked like she has a mullet on her back or a Mohawk. I'm not really sure, they think she is doing it so much because she has allergies either environmental or food.  And she also has Alopecia. Leave it to me to pick that special of a cat but I guess that's what I get for naming her after Miley Cyrus. That's ok, Flappy is even more special, he was fighting with a tree yesterday. I shit you not. He was legit backing up and yelping at a tree. I'm pretty sure the tree won that fight. Sadly, I'm not surprised. And lets not forget the 3rd cat Charles, who runs for the hills every time the doorbell or phone rings. I mean I get it, they're pretty fucking scary, but have I ever had an animal that's not a fruit pie? Nope! Oh, and finally on Thursday I went to the pulmonologist and guess what people? In honor of Prince kicking the bucket, I know longer have to celebrate in a bed like its 1999. That's right, I got a prescription for a new hospital bed. Goodbye 13 year old me memories and hello to new adventures with the wife. How many people just threw up reading that? Even I did a little bit!

I also have to say/be embarrassed to admit that I have enjoyed watching the first season of Fuller House on Netflix.  Maybe it's because I'm old now but the new version seems funnier and edgier so it appeals to kids and adults. I'm surprised the girl that plays DJ agreed to it since she is a huge bible humper. Her brother is worse, that turdbucket made it so hard to work with him on Growing Pains that they cancelled the show just to stop having to work with him. That and Tracy Gold stopped eating but I'm pretty sure the kid who played Ben made up for it. If you see him now, he looks like a bloated Dennis the Menace. But anyways, Kirk Cameron is all Jesusy now even though he partied at the Playboy mansion and did mad drugs in his 80s heyday! I even read that he made a movie and some other actress played his wife, but at the end scene when they kiss he made his real life wife stand in for her. That and he had the girl who played his original girlfriend on Growing Pains get fired from the show for being in Playboy even though he partied there before he drank the Kool-Aid. No wonder Boner killed himself! By the way how the fuck did they get away with his best friend on Growing Pains being named Boner? I'm surprised Jesus McBible humper didn't have a problem with that too. Or maybe he did and that's why they want you to think Boner killed himself in the park, but it was secretly the Catholic mafia. I am onto you Kirk Cameron.

By the way, when I kept telling my worker to write Playboy, she kept writing Playbody. Including right now writing this sentence. I know I'm old as you can find porn just by typing a few words these days but.. in my day, you had to work for your porn. And people knew it was playboy not playbody! This is what I'm working with folks.

Finally, I have also been watching the first 2 seasons of Girl Meets World on Netflix. Yes, it originally airs on the Disney channel so it has its cheesy as hell moments, but it's great for this 90s kid who grew up watching the original Boy Meets World. Plus, they have managed to bring back just about every character from the original series for at least a few episodes so it's good to see what they look like now. Also, it is easier than looking them up on google or in People magazine's where are they now to see what ever happened to them. Besides, who reads anymore? Besides this beautiful blog and my great articles that I write for the New Britain Independent. Free shameless plug! Now I'm off to write my third letter to Pamela Smart, her and I are pen pals now, jealous? I bet you are. And if you aren't look it up, or look up who she is and you will be perhaps, if your as crazy as I am. Until next time America... remember when Maury Povich used to be a respected journalist and talk show host?... You are not the father. And yeah I don't remember either!

Awkward Turtle

After thinking about it I have decided that I really don't hate or think most of the people I grew up with suck and have mediocre lives. I do not want to sound like one of those crazy people who still go on Maury to yell at people who bullied them 20 years ago. I've let it go, I honestly just hate this town more than the people in it. I an count on one hand the amount of people I grew up with that I truly hate. One of them is dead, Karma's a bitch. And the other one if I ever find you, I don't care how long it's been I'm paying someone a lot of money to punch you in the face since I'm a cripple and can;t do it myself. If anyone knows where Nate Fahs is these days tell him to bring his crackhead white trash ass to find me, don't even care if he or someone he knows reads this. Hey someone reads this crap I get over 100 views a day. Shocking I know!

Yesterday I also learned I am not meant to spend 11 consecutive hours with certain individuals. While I appreciate the fact that she was here for so long and covered for someone holy crap is she AWKWARD! Granted she doesn't wake me up a lot but she just stares at me until I tell her what to do. Doesn't ask what do I do next, even though she should know. She has been here for 6 months, instead I guess she thinks it's easier and not creepy at all to stare at me until I say something. It's like when my cats do that and I don't know what they want. But at least I know they can't talk, not sure what Helen Keller's excuse is. Some examples, I asked her to rinse out my Thermos from when I used it the night before and for some reason she thought it was on the seat of my wheelchair or my bed even though it was clearly hanging on the back of my wheelchair. Then I had to tell her where all my clothes are even though she has been here for 6 months. Again 6 months. And she stared at me after I got out of the shower and was laying butt naked on my bed. Who doesn't want to picture that? Again staring at me, Girl I'm freezing my nuts off. Like what do you think I want you to do next? Put some fucking clothes on me I'm freezing here. Then once I was finally in my chair which takes forever with her because she moves at turtle speed.  Not talking about a cool turtle like the Ninja Turtles or Lisa. Talking about the slow animal. Also, yes I know I'm not the smallest lightest person in the world, but I have girls that work here for me that are shorter, younger and the size of a twig around that can get me in my chair without constantly slamming my elbows into the armrest, constantly whipping my head around so one day I have CTE. It's also funny when she tries to fling me around on the bed so my knees slam into each other, my arms slap me in the face or my wrists and elbows crack and get stuck under me. It's not painful at all! Then again she kinda has alligator arms, when putting me in my shower chair or wheelchair. It takes the other workers 2-3 pulls to get me positioned properly with awkward turtle it takes about 10-15 on a good day. Am I like the mom from Gilbert Grape? Are they gonna have to cut me out of the house when I die? I hope not. Finally, when she went to put my medical alert necklace on, because all the cool cripples and Grandma's have one, it was hanging on my ear on one side. Do you think she noticed? Not only did she not, but she could not figure out what the problem was when I said " Turtle, what is wrong with this picture? " Here's a picture of the Mom from Gilbert Grape.