You know what happens?

You know what happens when you piss me off, you know what happens? YOU JUST MADE THE TAPES! Hopefully Chris Jericho comes back soon to get revenge on that fat fuck, as my worker called him last night, and no one appreciated the great facebook status. It's still real to us dammit.

Also, besides the fact that it's still real to her dammit, yeah she really hates Kevin Owens and called him a fat fuck, she also hates Alexa Bliss for being a little bitch, and Bobby Roode for being so fucking glorious.... okay maybe it's because I play his entrance music every time she works, I cant help it, it's so damn addicting and dare I say glorious! Maybe it's because she is trying to become a cop and lay off the weed so her brain is a little foggy. The funny part is, shes helping me write this! Also, because it makes for comedy gold, I'm on this website called Seeking Arrangement where it's basically creepy rich guys or cougars who are looking for young, hot people who need money... Yeah it's kind of like legalized prostitution... its as legal as it sounds. How did I find this? One of my sketchy former workers told me she used to be on it. Surprisingly it wasn't bitch face! It's totally worth it though. I made a $1,000 once in one month just by pretending to be a hot girl on there. For real, I didn't even meet them. I would just send pics and video I had on my phone or found on the internet. I had to stop because my workers at the time started to get butt hurt about ripping off old perverts. But those workers are gone now so maybe I'll start up again.. Probably not though, I got so many dick pics I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.. but then again bitch face probably gets 50 a day, all working the street corner. Here's a little piece of advice, if you're 47, weigh about 300 pounds, and look like a giant orange in one of your pictures, I don't think you are on the right website to earn a lot of business. I know I'm no catch, but damn!

Anyway, yeah I'm totally ripping off that great Netflix show 13 Reasons Why and being a 13 year old girl, but here is who would make my tapes: (real names and identities protected)

 
1. Cheyenne- I put her first because she hasn't done anything that terrible, so if I do ultimately do roll in front of a train or down a flight of stairs, she is the least responsible for my decision. Sure she is so far up the ex wife's ass. She could tell what she ate for breakfast, and i swear they used to be lesbian lovers.. otherwise, I don't know why she is so obsessed with her. It's scary when they fight she acts like a jealous old girlfriend and threatens to kill herself if they aren't friends anymore. And one time they got into a fight and she started slamming her head on her steering wheel, which is totally normal! But whatever! At least she hung out with me when the ex wife wasn't around, and despite all the crap I've said about her, she's still friends with me for some reason! So that is why Cheyenne is only tape 1.

2. The Original Mom- Read previous blog post from summer of last year. Basically, I liked her working for me, she worked a lot and everything then went to shit. She claims I pressured her to hook up with me, despite her being married, which I call total bullshit on. For some reason she told the husband, he freaked out, and basically forbid her to work for me again... I understand but, she was the one who still tried to be best friends with the ex wife and would poke me on Facebook and shit. So don't act like I'm some creepy ass stalker when you're clearly the one still trying to see what I'm up to. However, this was a long time ago, and I'm over it. So when I roll into a swimming pool you're only slightly more responsible... and that's why you are tape 2!

 
3. Gimpy- This bitch was a fucking wacko... Before I learned she was a constant liar, I wrote tons of blog posts and stories about her on here... If you want a good laugh, go back and read some of my old posts. Not only did she ask me to score her drugs, I shit you not, drive her drunk ass over to some guys house for a drunken hook up, I shit you not, and she asked me how to take naked selfie advice, I shit you not, but last summer she went on a three week vacation and then when she came back told me she was quitting! Then she wondered why I was a constant dick to her after that! She finally ghosted me after I blew up the whole drugs, sex, and naked selfies advice story in my comedy routine several months later. Goddamn she was entertaining, she made me look sane by comparison. Gimpy when I overdose on painkillers in honor of you, these are the reasons why you are tape 3!

 
4. Stoney Beroni- This bitch knows what she did! Not only is wrestling still real to her dammit, but she doesn't appreciate Bobby Roode's awesomeness, and every time i try to take her somewhere awesome she can't because she is Heath Slater as in she needs this job meaning her other one, because she's got kids... even though she doesn't. I mean I did angrily write once that she quit on me for three months... still not over it dammit... because she wanted to stay on the couch and smoke weed with her boyfriend instead of seeing me once a week, even though I pay better than her other job! But despite those lovely comments, she's back to helping me a lot more now, and putting up with me again for some reason. However, when i roll off the roof, it will be her fault for quitting for three months and being too cool to associate with me.. just like Hannah Baker's best friend... that's why she is tape 4!

 
5. HM- Much like Stoney Beroni, she knows what she did. This was a long time ago, and none of my present workers even know who I'm writing this about. That being said she was the one who got away, so I never talk or write about her. The story is too painful. Like 5 years ago I truly, probably too obsessively loved this girl. However, it's probably best that she lives several states away now, and totally forgot about who I even am... However, I still sadly think about her and miss her sometimes... So, if my hoard of wrestling memorabilia collapses on me, this is why she is tape 5!

6. Bobby The Stripper- Read my blog post from last month. I was young, dumb, and thought a stripper actually gave a fuck about me and not just the money... Ha, how stupid was I?! Sadly she is a crack head and still texts me horrible angry shit from time to time. So yeah if I convinced one of my workers to smother me with a pillow, your horrible words are the reason why you are tape 6!

7. Instagram Hoe- Similar to the post above, but even weirder because she was just friends with Bobby, and I used to give her a little bit of money for bad photos and videos. Eventually I got over it because she never wanted to meet in person, and she went all psychotic on me when I cut her off. She asked how could I do this to her, BITCH I NEVER EVEN MET YOU! When my cats smother me to death, this is why you are tape 7!

8. Ghetto Trash Bitch- Just read the post I wrote about her last month. First of all, she was probably still is friends with Bitch Face to the point she tried to get Bitch Faces cousin to work for me, and didn't mention she was related to Bitch Face until after she came to my house. And if that didn't make you hate her enough, she was just ghetto trash! I mean I get that is how you were raised, but that doesn't mean you have to act like that. I mean seriously, she was willing to go hook up with the guys from Seeking Arrangements I set up dates with if I cut her in on the money... And much like the New Mom, she just showed up to work when she felt like it, and would use any reason not to... Much like Bitch Face, she always thought I was screwing her out of money, even though I wasn't, but the final straw was the night she drove me to my show in Mass. and her boyfriend got so drunk while we were there that she let him spend the night at my house without even asking. YUCK! When I pay someone on Craigslist to shoot me, this is why you are tape 8!

 
9. The New Mom- Recently fired for being too fat and lazy to come to work, and then not understand why I would flip shit on her for not coming to work! This is a true story. One time my whole family was in South Carolina for a wedding, and because she had no call no showed so many times, I didn't trust her to show up for one of the overnight shifts, she swore up and down she would though, and I was dumb enough to believe it. I will say Ghetto Trash Bitch and The Ex Wife saved my butt that day since no one else literally was around to take care of me, and I can't be in my house alone for 13 hours, but seriously who abandons a 31 year old disabled man alone for hours when he is incapable of taking care of himself, and you can't even have the decency to tell his other workers you aren't coming in or even contact his family to tell them he is alone even though his whole family is in South Carolina! The fucked up part is she has a two year old daughter, how would she have felt if her babysitter just left her daughter home alone and didn't bother to tell anyone she left/ didn't show up?! Here are some of the brilliant excuses i got after 9 months.. which were probably all bullshit looking back. Her mom was constantly trying to kill herself. Well fuck if I was your mom I would try to kill myself too, her daughter had a seizure. Who lies about their daughter/son having a seizure? Her mom was going crazy and stole her car keys / cellphone BITCH YOU ARE 24 YEARS OLD! Grow up and try to figure out how to problem solve. Her parents were at Foxwoods and didn't have a babysitter, BITCH YOU LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDMA! and my personal favorite, one time she made Bitch Face cover her shift so she could go bang someone, while her husband was over seas fighting for our country. Nothing says proud military wife like calling out of work to go fuck some guy you met at 711, while your husband is risking his life to go fight Isis. Good lord, no wonder why she was a Trump supporter. Also i am ashamed to say this.. no I'm not... but I wish you knew what she looks like, and what her husband looks like. I don't know what drugs she keeps him on to keep him around unless he has a thing for fat ugly chicks! I feel better! And for when she comes with her husband to kill me.. this is why you are tape 9!

 
10. The Ex Wife- I got 99 problems and she's ALL of them! Seriously if you don't know why The Ex Wife is on this, you clearly have never read my blog! Not sure why you started now, but go back and read... truthfully her and Bitch Face would actually be the reasons I killed myself. Hannah Baker style in the bath tub... and for that reason, The Ex Wife is tape 10!

11. Instagram Girl- She is my Clay, and that's why she is tape 11! After having my heart an soul destroyed by many people above and below, she has helped me realize not everyone is a sucky asshole! Strangely I think she actually likes me for some reason despite the fat obnoxious asshole that I am, and yes at first I was skeptical because we met on SA, but we talk everyday through text and Instagram, and she never asks me for anything anymore. Not that I have it to send anyway, but alas, just like Hannah and Clay, I don't think its meant to be because she lives in Chicago and we both are so poor. I don't know if we will actually meet... Since you are my love that is never going to be you are tape 11!

12. Bitch Face- Okay she never raped me, but does mental rape count? You ghetto trash living, drug dealing, bastard retarded child having, prostitute, I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! If the Purge was real, I would come after you, seriously I wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire, and if you died before me I will come piss on your grave, nobody will come visit anyways. As I so politely wrote to the New Mom when I fired her, EAT SHIT AND DIE!

and finally 13.  Bitch Face again- Did I mention she tried to get me arrested for putting an ad on Craigslist for a free washer and dryer with her address and phone number and told people to come by or call/text 24/7 because she was always open.... I was only talking about her legs... not the washer and dryer. It's not my fault everybody took it the wrong way. Her and the New Mom bonded when the both worked for me. Probably why the New Mom kept fucking with me after Bitch Face was gone, Bitch Face almost got her arrested to, but i guess she forgot about that because she got Bitch Face a job supposedly working at a home with disabled people. Those people are probably getting beat, stolen from, or raped every day by her if she is even sober enough to know what shes doing, but considering she smokes more weed than Tommy Chong, who knows!?

I wish Mark Wahlberg was still Marky Mark

Did you know his wife was in the Funky Bunch.. I shit you not look it up! It’s been a while since I wrote one of these things. Did you miss me? I know I missed me, see I’ve been in hiding because I made the internet hate me last week. For real, I kind of went into hiding and didn’t leave my house for a week. Okay, that was also because I’m a morbidly obese crippled shut in, who hates people so much, he doesn’t like to leave his house, and truthfully I’m broke as fuck so I don’t have any money to go out and do anything. For real, I owe Webster bank over $600, and they have started sending the bill collectors after me. It’s not my fault they’re dumb enough to let me open up a bank account. Anyway more on why I made the internet hate me last week in a bit.

But first, somehow I made the finals of the choice this comedy/ music competition I competed a few times in, at a bar in New Haven. The guy running it was mad cool, and so were his friends, so even though I don’t know how I made it to the finals without winning one of the six weeks. I will take any opportunity to perform especially when I can win money. I’m pretty sure they let me perform because they feel bad for me after the internet debacle last week; I’m getting to it dammit! It was something about all the judges wanted to see me come back the most, one of them was a crip, so blame him if you dint want to see me perform! Just a joke comedy people, don’t get butt hurt. I didn’t do too badly, I came in 8th, and did I mention there were only 8 people competing in the finals? Haha I mean as great as my jokes about paying hot girls to wipe my ass are, I really couldn’t compete with people who sang ass kicking versions of songs they wrote. Seriously though, the three people that made the finals were phenomenal, and I aint talking about AJ Styles here! They all deserved to be in the top 3 and win money. Well except maybe one of them. She has a really annoying, high pitched voice, and kind of sings like Elmer Fudd, but hey my voice is annoying too so what do I know… plus I felt a little bad because some people in the front row were laughing at her during her first song. Yeah, I’m an asshole, but I’m not that much of an asshole. I say this every year after the Mets rip my heart out, there’s always next season? At least I hope so. Plus, the show needs a few adjustments if they do another season. First of all, I love the guy that hosts it and his judge friends, but as the night goes on and they all get drunker, the show drags on forever. Seriously, it starts at 9pm, and doesn’t end until midnight or 1 am! Also, the people who come watch are rude. Luckily, I think they feel bad when I perform so they’re quiet and listen, but when other people perform, and it’s not their friends or relatives, they’re either on their phone or talking to other people the whole time. It’s a comedy/ music show, if you don’t want to pay attention to everyone then doesn’t show up, especially since it’s free to get in. My Asian comedy friend probably had to commit a Harry Carey, aka suicide because people were being so rude and talking loudly through his set that he definitely had to kill himself before Kim Jong Un tried to honor kill his parents back in North Korea! Nah, he’s mad cool and he helped hold the microphone while I performed, and my worker recorded it. If I ever decide to hire a guy to help me, and not a hot girl/former stripper/former hooker it will definitely be you! 

 

Then there was last night, I have never felt less talented or well known than I did at a comedy show last night. Granted it was in NYC, at Dangerfield’s Comedy Club, yes it was formerly owned by the famous comedian Rodney Dangerfield, or as all the idiot workers that work for me say, “WHO?” Ehh you know he’s made a bunch of famous comedy movies over the course of three decades, and told everyone he gets no respect, which is only one of the most famous lines in comedy, so I totally understand why you have never heard of him, read a book or watch one of his movies you ignorant fucks! Anyway, everyone I saw perform before me was really talented and funny, and had great resumes to back it up. One of the guys had a special on Netflix, another guy was in the movie Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood, one guy opened for Louis C.K. at Madison Square Garden, and most of the rest had headlined shows and toured around the country. Then there was me, coming straight off a performance at a restaurant in New Haven, and shows for 12 people at Mohegan Sun… Yeahhh, my credits didn’t quite match up… No wonder when the host introduced me, all he came up with was that I drove all the way from Connecticut to perform there tonight, I kind of wish he said, “Here comes the fat, unemployed, asshole, straight out of his mom’s basement.” To make me really feel inadequate! It started out bad but then the audience realized it was okay to laugh at jokes making fun of myself, and things got a lot better. Surprisingly I got some really loud laughs, I was also happy after the show when a lot of people told me I was really funny and a few said I got the loudest laughs of the night… I didn’t really notice I was too busy trying not to pass out while I was up there because I was scared shitless! Even the guy organizing the show said I was doing a good five minutes, did I mention my set was seven minutes long. Apparently I had Pauly Shore or Dane Cook my way through the last two minutes. Meaning I came out of nowhere, started out hot and funny, and faded away in obscurity just as fast! In my defense I’m only used to doing five minutes at open mics or bringer shows. You know bringer shows that I fucking hate, but I have to do to get stage time over here… not only do you not get paid for these shows, and spend money on food, drinks, and gas, but you have to convince four or five of your relatives or friends to spend between $10-20 a ticket to see you perform with half the other people performing telling fart jokes and talking about their bowel movements. Yeah sometimes it’s as bad as it sounds, and I know I’m risking the comedy world, especially the CT social media comedy world internet hate me again by allowing you to peek behind the curtain and read this, but oh well I’m not insulting people directly this time so fuck it whatever. What happens happens!

 

Crazy Weekend

Yeah I had a weird weekend. Friday was a huge cluster fuck so I’ll write about that in a minute. First let me start with yesterday aka Saturday. Despite it being shitty outside, I went to my first Mets game of the season. I have a 20 game ticket plan so I can’t avoid the bad weather forever. Of course they lost, of course it rained on my worker and I the whole time, of course it was windy and cold where we were sitting, but that wasn’t even the worst part. Of course since I sit in the cheap seats, I get every drunken asshole sitting next to me. Of course, for this game he was sitting right next to me. Granted I wasn’t sitting in my normal seats, because when I got there two people were already in them, and the rest of the section was empty at the time. So I just sat further down the row. Then that drunken asshole showed up after that, and do you think there was ever anybody that worked there around when I needed them? Of course not! All his friends and him were screaming things that they only thought were funny the whole game, but luckily I heard him say that he hadn’t been to a Mets game in a while, so hopefully I’ll never see him again. I wanted to take a video of how annoying he was but my worker was being a bitch and wouldn’t let me. Even after him and some random guy shit talked me while she was in the bathroom. First of all, I love it when people assume I’m retarded and I don’t know what they’re saying about me, despite me sitting right there. Um yeah asshole I can hear you. And you will be getting blasted in my blog and comedy routines. The one dude basically congratulated the other one for having the balls to sit in the handicap seats despite not being handicapped, and said at least you’re aware enough to enjoy using them. Since it was raining I had a blanket over my controller and other electronics to keep them from shorting out in the rain, yes I will admit it looks bad draped over the screen that serves as the power source for my chair, but the one guy told the drunk guy it looks like I had an erection for whoever was at bat at the time. Yeah I’m starting to see why the terrorists always attack in New York! Too soon? On the way out I was going to tell him I enjoyed fucking his mom with that huge erection last night, but literally that was the only time I saw a security guard out there all day, plus my worker was having a stroke when I told her I was going to say that. This was drunk asshole when he got home from the game last night:

 On the way into the stadium, I could hear that the game was about to start so I was rushing my worker to get in there fast, plus I wanted my matt Harvey garden gnome, which I didn’t get, and I’m still crying about, and my worker totally ate shit on the way in. I guess she was running over really wet bricks, and totally took a header, with probably about a hundred people in line watching it. Being the nice person that I am, instead of asking her if she was okay, instead I yelled, ‘’WHAT THE FUCKARE YOU DOING” which I feel bad about now I guess, but when she was falling she grabbed my arm I drive with, luckily for both of us my hand didn’t get stuck on the controller and run her and a bunch of strangers over. 

This is what I imagined her falling looked like:

Then on the way home, for whatever brilliant reason, the state of New York decided to do construction the same weekend the Mets are playing at home on the Whitestone Bridge, and of course I have to take that bridge to get home. I left the game early, yeah I know I’m a fake fan, but they lost anyway, I mean we literally sat in traffic from the stadium until the exit for the bridge which is only a few miles away for two hours. I live an hour and a half to two hours from Citi Field, and it took four hours for us to get home. Okay, 20 minutes of that time was spent at McDonalds because my fat ass was hungry, and I was mourning that the Mets lost!

Butt fuck you Whitestone Bridge!

 

That was nothing though; my Friday night was the Titanic to my Saturday Hindenburg! Why? Because I didn’t learn from the mistake I made hiring bitch face, when I said I wasn’t going to hire any more ghetto trash bitches! Bitch face and her used to be friends but way before they ever worked for me, but still I should have known better! So yeah anyways ghetto trash bitch (GTB) is now gone. I should have done it a long time ago because she was way too ghetto, and always causing drama with my other workers. I already put up with the ex wife’s bullshit, I’m not putting up with another. Long story short, she was supposed to be here at 5pm on Friday, but I was worried she wasn’t going to show because I told her at the last minute not to come in for the Thursday overnight shift, and then when the girl who usually picks up overnights didn’t show up, she suddenly wasn’t available to come in even though she had been an hour before, because she always did things out of spite. I shouldn’t have been surprised I mean this was the same girl that didn’t show up, when she promised she’d be here the whole time during a snow storm, but instead my mom had to take care of me for 31 hours while clearing the driveway and sidewalk in front of my house. Then three days later she told me at 2pm she was not only not coming in for 5pm, but she quit, only to come back two weeks later, after she admitted she had only quit to, “teach me a lesson.” Well here’s a lesson now GTB, you’re fired! Good luck getting someone else to put up with your crazy bullshit. Of course she stressed me out when she wasn’t returning my texts Friday afternoon to confirm she was still coming Friday night, I then texted all of my workers in a group and individual texts, saying I was worried she wasn’t going to show up because I haven’t heard from her. I was going to be home alone at least from 3:30 -5pm so if they didn’t hear from me by 6pm, to please come check on me because my mom was gone for the night. She then finally responded that she will be there at 5… sure if by 5 she really meant 6 because that’s when she really showed up and did she text my mom, my other workers, or me to tell me that? Of course not! So yeah I was pissed because I thought she was telling everyone she was going to show up, and then not really show up, so I would be home alone from 3:30pm to midnight, and no one would know I was alone because they all thought she was coming at 5. She finally shows up at 6 half ass apologizes for being an hour late, GTB you live in Meriden. Even with traffic it does not take an hour to get to Cheshire, also despite being an hour late you still managed to stop at Dunkin Donuts when you carry that cup of coffee from there into my house! And she gets offended when I tell her that I’m going to have someone else take the overnight because I was too pissed off at her to spend the next 18 hours with her. She started screaming, “ Why did you give away all of my hours?’’ umm, Thursday overnights aren’t hers the normal girl was on vacation so I could assign them to whoever I want, and yeah I don’t want you around Friday overnights when you are going to start drama with me and all of my workers, when Friday night is a shift that they all signed up for anyways. This is not what GTB looks like, but its pretty close!

Did I mention for some reason, her 45 year old ghetto boyfriend, and she’s 27 was hanging out in my house with her, for some reason? Not sure if they were trying to intimidate me but I’m not scared of anyone. The best part is she claimed he was her ride. First of all, he owns a car dealership supposedly why did you only have one car? Second, lots of people get rides to and from my house for work, but their rides don’t stay at my house with them! Didi mention when I did my show last week in Mass. He came with us, when were at the show he got incredibly drunk on at least 10 beers, which GTB admitted to at the time and later tried to deny, so he was still too drunk to drive home and awkwardly spent the night at my house. Yeah the guest bedroom has been fumigated since that night. Do you think she asked if he could spend the night at my house? Hell no. She knew I would have said no! she still had the nerve to get mad when I told her don’t let my mom see some random old guy walking around our house when she gets up in the morning. Plus GTB bf oringinally offerd to buy me a drink and my friend, but then blew all his money on booze so later on when him and GTB wanted food of their own, they made my friend pay for it, and he is too nice to say no! She then claimed that he had 5,000 in his pocket to pay for it. If that’s true, then why are you running around in one piece of shit car between the two of you, ripping off one of the other girls of 50 dollars you were supposed to pay her of watching your kids? I ended up paying her 50 dollars out of my own pocket, and the only reason you gave it back to me was because I called you out on it in front of everyone because this happened a month ago. Oh and why did you ask the girl who trained you one day after meeting you to borrow 300 dollars? Yeah your boyfriend has 5,000 in his pocket so that’s why you asked a stranger to borrow 300 dollars. And, even if he did have 5 grand in his pocket, it’s not from selling cars, it’s from selling something else. Gee, I wonder what you sell a lot of that is a cash only business!?! When you live in a ghetto apartment in Meriden, and have to carry around that much cash because you cant get a bank account for sketchy reasons or you don’t want to draw attention to your bank account for sketchy reasons! The best part is last night she asks one of my workers that she is always shit talking to fill out her last couple of timesheets so she doesn’t have to come here again. Yeah that got no response and despite what you and bitch face say I will still pay you for the hours that you worked… but hey at least now you guys could be friends and shit talk me and make up more lies. Sadly, people who are raised poorly either becomes the people who raised them or do everything they can not to be them. GTB, you are exactly the trash who raised you, and sadly I feel sorry for your two daughters because considering all you threaten to do is beat their asses, there is pretty much no chance of them not becoming trash like you! Maybe I should tell DCF about this, and the lovely photos you sent me which are pictured below! Have a nice life! Your pal, in Christ, Robert A. Held!!!