Weird Fucking Week

Yeah, I know I haven't written in depth since Trump became president, or should I say president-elect... there is still time to assassinate him people. C'mon where is ISIS when you need 'em. For anyone who takes this seriously: learn what a fucking joke is. I wouldn't want Pence to be president anyway, he wants to take us back to the 1950's. Unless I can get a two-for-one special on my assassination attempts, now that the secret service is going to come kick my door in.. onto my crazy week!

Last week was Awkward Turtle's last week coming on a regular basis, and boy did she make sure I'd remember it! First there was Monday. When I was supposed to go with her, a fellow crip friend, and the New Wife who is taking her place to see Jake "The Snake" Roberts, at the Hartford Funnybone. Keywords in that last sentence, "supposed to". Yeah, I know what you're thinking..how funny can a former wrestler/drug addict be anyways, but whatever I got 4 tickets for $20 bucks, and I guess I'll never know, because I'm guessing even if he wants to come back and perform....or they want him to come back to perform... like most wrestlers from my childhood, he will probably die of a drug overdose before that happens.This is a picture clearly of him cracked out!

 Why did I never get there? Because my piece of shit van, that everyone insists is fine, despite the horrible rattling noises it makes, and currently the low tire pressure light is on for the 8,000th time in the last 6 months. Oh yeah, and the ramp and ramp door shit the bed so bad last month that it wouldn't even open, but yeah it totally runs fine! Also, it needs an oil change if any of you assholes wanna do it that read this. But yeah when we went to pick my friend up, the sliding door on the drivers side decided to come off its track and jam so it wouldn't shut, and despite Awkward Turtle and the New Wife's best efforts, they couldn't get it to shut. Did I mention it was about 45 degrees out, and I was in Durham, which is nowhere near where I live. Of course Awkward Turtle just stared at me not knowing what to do. So First, I had her try calling Triple A.... did I mention she couldn't find my AAA card even though it was right there in my wallet the whole fucking time? So then we had to call my mom to ask where it was, and as she politely screamed at Awkward Turtle on the phone, "IT SHOULD BE IN HIS WALLET AND THEY CAN'T HELP YOU ANYWAY". Turns out she was right! Apparently AAA can only legally help you by towing you or changing a tire. So yeah.... FUCK you AAA, not sure why we even have you! And even when I had Awkward Turtle ask the bitch on the phone, if they could help us anyway because two disabled men were stranded in the vehicle, she basically told us to go fuck ourselves and call 911. I shit you not, 911. And then she wondered why when I got on the phone with her and she asked how I was doing I said pissed off, how about yourself? Apparently she was having a great night, for those who might be wondering. So yeah, I really didn't wanna call 911 to tell them the door was stuck because I thought we would end up on that show on TLC about the dumbest 911 calls...so I told Awkward Turtle to call the Durham Police non-emergency line. But I made one mistake... when she was looking it up, I didn't specify Durham CT, and of course her dumb ass can't do anything without me saying it. I will say in her defense, I should have fucking known something was wrong when my crip friend said that Durham CT doesn't have it's own Police Dept, they use the State Police. But yeah, 10 minutes later a cop calls saying he can't find us, and after a five minutes conversation him and Awkward Turtle realized it's because she called the police in Durham fucking New Hampshire. So that was a waste of 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back, and at that point, I said obviously your too fucking dumb too do anything else, just call 911. Asshole, you bet I am! Finally a cop came and after playing around with the door for awhile somehow he got it back on track and closed. After that, I just wanted to go home, before he had to arrest me for killing someone, especially after my crip friend said"Oh Yeah, I thought that was the problem the whole time!" REally dude?!?! If that was the case why didn't you fucking tell us that 45 minutes ago so we could've fixed without calling Durham fucking NH and 911!

That was Monday, then on Wednesday, the Ex Wife decided to be a hemorrhoid on my hairy crippled asshole (you are welcome for that lovely description). Most people want to take in homeless animals.. I pick the bitch who wants to take in homeless fucking PEOPLE! And after you royally fucked me over, you really expect me to help you bring a homeless guy you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol to my house in one of the snobbiest towns in the fucking state?! Have you ever met my mother?!? Or any other women in this town? They are literally thee most judgemental fucking people in the entire world. My mom doesn't even want ME living in her house (well deserved), let alone a homeless man you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol. You do know Aaron Hernandez grew up in Bristol right? Just because you meet your customers there (yes that was drug dealer and prostitution joke), doesn't mean I have to be involved. Apparently, it was okay though because his story checked out on Facebook! Last year people thought I was Lip Gallagher from Shameless on Facebook and Twitter, uhhh so yeah, it's not hard to fool people on social media. Even though she adamantly states that we were never officially together, and I have no right to be mad over her getting pregnant by another dude.... by the way he supposed works at Yale New Haven Hospital, but who knows the Ex Wife lies about everything. And even if she isn't lying, he probably scrubs toilets there as part of his prison release program at best. Whatever, dude deserves it. Supposedly he said to kill it when he found out, and then magically re-appeared in her life when she lost it and wants back in....ya I might be a cripple asshole that blows up every bodys shit in this blog but I still bought that baby food, clothes, and a lot of other shit that his "father" never did. And even after you lost the baby, I didn't ask for any of that stuff back, even though I am as poor as you are, because I told you to sell it and keep the money for yourself. But yeah, go back to him, you two probably deserve each other. Despite all this, you got awfully butthurt when I finally stood up to you and said "No you can't sneak a homeless guy into my house tonight, or keep him here while your working tomorrow". You live in your own apartment, take him there! Your crazy ass roommate is so far up your ass she will agree to anything you say. Like the fact that Michelle Obama apparently worked for ABC News back in 2001, and despite the Ex Wife she was a fucking moron for thinking this, her roommate still said, oh it could be possible....Yep, these are the fucking idiots I deal with! And then you got scared when you said you might be late to work the next day because you were scared to have him stay overnight in your apartment, and wouldn't be sleeping well....uhhhhh doesn't that tell you right there this was a horrible idea?! This is how horror movies start! EVen though I kept saying this is no longer my problem anymore because I  have a new (better) Wife, and I'm no longer getting involved in your bullshit. You still had the tits to say "but yeah what do I do Robert". What part of not my fucking problem anymore don't you understand? Sorry I dont want to help shitty people who constantly do shitty things to me, who threaten not to show up to work, quit, or get a new job every time they are mad at me. You don't want me in your life like that yet you get mad when I try to put distance between us? And oh yeah, move on with someone else. Karma's a bitch, BITCH!

Gimpy didn't even work last week, but maybe since it was her friend Awkward Turtle's last week, she wanted to make it memorable... Either that or shes mad that I don't write about her in my blog as much as I used too. First, she kept asking me for advice on how to be a hoe. Not sure what she thinks I do with my life that I can teach her how to be a hoe, and last time I checked I don't have a vagina. Yeah, um... I'm a man hoe, there's a big difference. Then it got better, at first I thought she was kidding but she kept asking me if I could get her molly from another girl that works for me who goes to a lot of raves. She tried to play it off like she wanted it for the new dude shes trying to fuck...ya know the same one she wants to learn how to be a whore for! This guy works as a nurse at Yale New Haven hospital...between this dude and the ex wife's baby daddy I'm never going to that hospital again! I don't even know why Gimpy wants this dude he looks like a rapist / pedophile. Also, there's this awful picture of him wearing a bow tie, with no shirt, holding a puppy for some stupid calendar that she decided to show me for some fucking reason and now I can't get the awful image out of my head.This isn't the exact photo, but its pretty close complete with douche man bun.

 But it gets better.. the drugs that she was bothering me to try to get her for 2 fucking days wasn't even for him it was for Gimpy and Awkward Turtle! First of all you're asking your boss to ask another one of his employees to score you drugs, and second I have known the 2 of you for a year and a half and the other worker for 3 years you don't think she was going to tell me about this. Plus, aren't you kind of a shitty friend for throwing Awkward Turtle under the bus for something she was involved in without my knowledge and the best part is you're still trying to lie about it..oh yeah i just wanted to ask her about how to be a hoe and going to raves.. really that's why you said you wanted her number from me so you ask someone you barely know how to be a hoe because that's not offensive! Plus, when you have been asking me to have her try and get you molly for 2 straight days and then text her, "hey so and so, this is Gimpy, Awkward Turtle and I have a question for you"..What the FUCK else would you be asking about..you really thought the best route was to ask your boss..the 2 of you are from Berlin, where I'm pretty sure someone dies there of an overdose daily and you don't know any drug dealers I know for a fact that the brother of the guy that the Creepy Canadian goes out with is a huge druggy and could probably get you whichever drugs. Especially, since you went to high school with him, why did you think coming to me was your best option? Better yet why did you think to come to me at all? I'll never be the crippled version of Walter White no matter how bad I need money because if I got caught for dealing do you know how much I would be ass raped in jail!? With that lovely thought have a great night everyone.

This is what I imagined The crippled Walter White drug dealer version of me to look like...

This is a picture of Yale New Haven Hospital so you know where to NEVER go in case of an emergency after the lovely stories I just wrote about

Joe Buttermann

JOE FREAKIN BUTTERMANN

I created a new persona..... his name is Joe Freakin Buttermann. I will write more about him later in the day since its almost 4am, and i gots to get my beauty rest til 1pm. I signed one of those secret online petitions and I said that was my name, and I think I'm going to stick with it! Joe has a brother named Glenn, who is apparently a radiologist, but nobody gives a fuck about Glenn. Not even his brother, Joe Freakin Buttermann. Joe didn't even want a brother but decided he would just deal with it because hes Joe Freakin Buttermann. Last thing i heard from Glenn that he would be working in president elect Trump's Cabinet... Last week, I was joking he would be our next president, sadly now its not a joke! But, Joe Buttermann don't care... Know why? Because hes Joe Freakin Buttermann. This is what I imagined Joe to look like..... The sad part is, I could actually see myself looking like this in 20 years! So here he is.... The Man... The Myth... The Legend Joe Freakin Buttermann. 

 

Why I love people

Not only do I know several people who voted for Donald Trump today, but I'm starting to understand how this racist, sexist bastard is going to become our next President in a few hours. He appeals to all the delusional white trash that think they'll be rich one day and that he will protect der moneys, guns, property, and keep this here job in 'MERICA! He's filed bankruptcy several times, pays no federal income tax, has shipped several of his companies overseas for cheaper labor, and builds his properties in the United States with products and illegal workers from other countries. But Hillary sent some private emails on a public government server and might take guns away from the mentally ill..... so this guy should DEFINITELY be President, for all the great reasons I listed above. Not to mention he wants to ban Muslims from our country, when his wife is a foreigner who illegally worked in our country. Maybe he grabbed her by the pussy to bring her here. Look, I hate politics, it makes stupid people think they know how to sound smart, and know what they're talking about.... I don't even like Hillary either, I didn't vote for her. I voted for Gary Johnson, but fuck... if any other Republican had been running, I would've broken my mom's heart and probably voted for them.

Now on to my exciting day! This is what happens when I wake up at 9 am instead of noon. Fuck productivity, all it does is make me fight with random assholes and the ex wife. All this stuff happened before noon today except for the last story.

First, the ex wife whom we have decided to remain amicable, for the sake of our cats, especially Flappy.. that poor fat fuck can't handle our divorce. Yeah, I know it's fucked up that she still works for me and totally unhealthy, but I'll always care for her no matter how badly I want to murder her, and I'll always consider her a good friend. Anyway... last night I told her if she wasn't gonna make an effort to turn me and open the garage door for my worker coming to take over for her in the morning, then to just leave when I went to bed at 1 am... I would pay her til 2 am because she lives far from me, and because my mom was home if something happened, and BBM was coming in at 8 am before my mom left for work. But she insisted that she had to stay because Allied, the state run agency that pays my workers during the day, said she can't abandon me... Uhhh, my mom pays out of pocket for the overnight shifts so it doesn't matter what Allied says about that. Plus I'm your boss, if I want you to go home, GO HOME! I'm trying to avoid fighting with you. So this morning when I texted her after she left, that I was only paying her til 2 am, because she really did nothing but sleep after that, she said if I didn't pay her til 8 am, she would call Allied and report me for fraud. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! Allied doesn't pay for the overnight hours, my mom does, so therefore, those hours don't go on your Allied time sheet and they have no say over what time you get paid until if your here at night. I told her if she had a problem with it she could talk to my mom... keep in mind this whole time, if she had just said I'm sorry, I'll try harder to wake up during the night and do what I'm supposed too, I would've dropped it and paid her for the whole shift... but nah the ex wife has to a bitch and make things as difficult and dramatic as possible. So I finally called her out on her bullshit and called Allied myself, and had them put a note in my file with her name on it saying that she had been threatening me and trying to write fraudulent time sheets with hours she didn't work. Why do people try to out asshole the ultimate asshole? She then flipped out and said she quit because I was being childish... hold for laughter...and that lasted about two hours until the next crazy shit went down that had nothing to do with her. she is forgiven now and back to working for me, big fucking surprise. I have the healthiest relationships in my life I swear.

So I pride myself on being really honest in this blog, even if it makes me look like an asshole... So this is going to be a looong story, but heres how it went... There is a girl who worked for me. I used to refer to her as "the mom", because she is a mom... and at first, she worked for me a lot and everything was fine... not really sure what changed. I mean yes I'm a man whore, and she's married, but I'll get to that. Full disclosure, I'm a creepy crippled pervert and I'll take it whenever I can get it... Soo yeah, did I ask the mom to jerk me off the first time? Hell yeah I did! But can I physically make anyone do anything? Hell no I can't! Have I asked other workers... Some who have said yes, some who have randomly never come back, hell yeah. But in my defense, I can't even move my hands to jerk myself off so what the fuck do you want me to do?! I'm a guy! And for the record, plenty of girls have said no, and I want to be crystal clear.. I don't ask everyone.. And the ones that have said no, and the ones I've never even bothered to ask, are still here. Hell, one of them has been here four years. So I can't be that fucking creepy. So now that that's out of the way, and my mom and sister have stabbed their eyeballs out, I asked the mom to jerk me off the first time, and she said yes...Then she said she felt bad for doing it because she was married. So I dropped it, and then one day she came in pissed off at him, and said "if you need me to help you with that, I got you", and if you know the mom, you know thats a saying she always says...Not only that, but as it kept happening she decided to brag to another girl we went to high school with about what she was doing with me.. It was a lot more than jerking off after awhile. But she's the one that decided to brag to her friend about this. Of course her friend didn't believe her because she's married. So one day when the mom and I were doing our thing, she asked if she could send a picture that nobody wants to see to her friend... I give no fucks about anything so I said sure. Picture is still on my phone as proof, the mom has tattoos on her feet so its def her. Fast forward to a few months later and the mom finds out that her husband and the same friend have been sexting and sending inappropriate pictures to each other. Really, your going to get upset when not only have you been hooking up with me, but you openly admitted to all of this that you sent inappropriate photos of yourself to this girls ex boyfriend. Pot meet kettle! For whatever reason, most likely out of spite, the mom decided to tell her husband about her and I hooking up, but of course played it of like someone I made her do it. Um, I can't move my fucking arms and she worked for me for 6 months after that. I don't think she was forced into anything. But believe what you want dude. I'm not married to her, thank god for small favors. However, after that being the control freak that he was, she openly admitted that he hated her working and wouldn't let her if she didn't make more money than him, welcome to 2016 asshole. Whoops there goes that secret! No wonder they support Trump! So I knew it was only a matter of time before she was going to quit. She made some bullshit story up about her mother in law being sick so she had to stay home to take care of the baby. Don't think it was actually true, but she said I'll probably be able to come back to work in September, feel free to ask me to fill in during that time and after even if I don't come back. So, that was in July and occasionally I would ask and either get no response or some random photo or text that had nothing to do with what I asked. She also knows I struggle often to find people to help me so not only did I ask her if she knew anybody that might want to work for me, but I asked all my workers that. After several no responses or unrelated ones I told her if she wanted me to stop asking to just tell me and I would. She sort of did saying she was never going to come back to work but I wasn't asking her to come back on a regular basis, plus I was just asking if she knew anyone who might be interested in working for me. So, last Friday I asked a bunch of people including her if they could drop everything for 3.5 hours at the last minute and I would give them $40 right away. She didn't respond like usual. And I never found someone but whatever I was desperate. Yesterday awkward turtle told me she found a new job and put her two weeks in. So again I was asking current/former workers if they knew anyone would want to work for me because awkward turtle works a lot of hours for me so I have a lot of shifts to cover asap. I asked the mom this last night along with 15 other people and she responded at 11am today... "I've asked before so I will again. Stop texting me asking to work for you or if I know anyone. It's really annoying." Yeah I called her a fake phony cunt and told her no wonder her husband always cheats on her but then I blocked her to stop any further correspondence from now on. I thought it was a dead issue until my phone went off an hour later with this beautiful message from her white trash husband that doesn't even know how to spell her name right. Read for yourself here.  Just like Nathan Fahs did to me in high school all the time. Seriously mother fucker if you ever read this have the balls to tell me where your at so I can pay somebody to kick your ass. Assuming you didn't die in the gutter like some of your friends we went to high school with who overdosed. Cheshire is a rich town but for such a rich town there sure is a lot of white trash who grew up here. Did I mention Nate's mom fucked one of our history teachers in high school? Or maybe it was his best friends mom, either way, classy!

Takes a tough man to threaten a disabled person. And this was my beautiful response.

 Notice how all he could respond back was haha I got you buddy, proof that that is all he can come back with. And really the mom. your such a cry baby bitch that you had to get your husband involved in this. Hell yeah I saved his fucking text like he told me to. And hell yeah I'm putting it on blast in my blog and on social media. I don't care that you saved the text where I called her a cunt. Fuck she's told me you called her that a million times. Its okay for you to say it but not me? She's just like 95% of the fake ass bitches I grew up with in Cheshire. There's a reason why I hate where I live and want to move. I purposely left his phone number in it. His name is Eric Bresnahan if anybody would like to publicly shame, call, or text him and his lovely wife is Michele with one L, because I know how to spell it. Maiden name Garrow. And this is why I will never hire somebody I went to high school with again.

Also got into a facebook message fight with a comedian that I thought was being a douche. I was also being a douche but again I have a problem with people trying to act superior to me mostly because of where I grew up. Fast summary of what happened, he was looking for perform clean comedy routines on his public access show this coming Monday... I offered my services because any exposure is good exposure and he said as long as I kept it clean like no sex jokes or anything. So I wrote challenge accepted, quoting Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Not meaning that he was handing me the job just meaning that I wanted to take the challenge on if he would let me. He then wrote that's not how this works so no thanks. I thought comedians were suppose to have a sense of humor, but maybe he lost it in his giant hair. Again, just a joke, and he just said I'm not going to throw somebody on TV when I don't know if they'll keep it clean, this isn't an open mic night, making it sound like that's all I've ever performed at, because any asshole can perform at those. And yes I have performed at several, some well, some not so well. But I've been asked to perform at the comedy club at Mohegan Sun, the Funny Bone in Manchester, a couple restaurants, and oh yeah Broadway comedy club in New York City, so I'm not some hack comedian with a rubber chicken on my head telling knock knock jokes and yelling "hamburger" (look it up then you'll get it).  Yeah, I said douchey said to him and was a prick to but don't like your better than me and Kevin fucking Hart or something. I've seen you performing at the same show at the Funny Bone that I was asked to perform at. Whatever I'll apologize in a few days because I know he's been around for a few years and is well established and I don't want to be blacklisted from performing in CT even thought I hate this fucking state. I still live here. Sometimes you have to kiss ass and make up even when you don't want to. If your reading this, I really have no hard feelings and I just talk shit in here to make myself feel better, but next time if you want me to provide a video of me doing clean comedy to prove I'm funny that's fine, just don't ask superior about it, unless you actually are Kevin Hart! Yes, myself included, all comedians are sensitive assholes I guess. Hopefully Donald Trump is not president by the time I publish this. Goodnight America!

I love Unicorns

No Gimpy wasn't here again but I have several funny stories to write about in here anyway. I did it, I finally snapped. Well I snap on everyone but this time it was BBM aka Big Boobs McGee... on social media... I tried to be cryptic about it by writing this tweet last night.

However, she must not have got it or did not get that it was directed at her. Because it happened again today. I logged on to my facebook and instagram and what am I bombarded with? Pics of BBM out partying and drinking dressed like a hoe hoe for Halloween. I get it every girl around her age posts slutty Halloween photos of themselves. But Jesus Christ, the only pictures she ever posts are of pictures of herself dressed in skimpy outfits out getting drunk. I'm sorry but after a while nobody wants to keep seeing that no matter how pretty you are. Well certain people do, they're called perverts and sex offenders. You know the ones that message you on social media asking you to do porn, yeah, those guys like looking at all the photos you post of yourself. You had the same boyfriend for over a year, so who exactly are who trying to appeal to/impress with these photos? Plus your poor father who sees this. Is it really worth it to get 100 likes or whatever your trying to do? So I finally snapped and wrote this comment today. Don't worry I cropped the person out who I wrote it to, but it needed to be said.

Okay, now that she hates me and probably won't come back to work (she only comes 1 day a week now anyways). Honestly the only people that ever fucking show up to work are awkward turtle and one of the new girls that I hired. Apparently everyone else that works for me thinks that between the two of them, they can just average working 84 hours a week without a problem. Hows that for some fancy math? Mr. Luigi ... (not sure if I spelt that right it was 15 years ago), you did teach me something you gay asshole. For the record, I don't care that he was gay even though he never admitted it, but he was such a fucking asshole. He used to tell kids to drop out of school and go work at McDonalds because thats all they would ever amount to, and he wasn't kidding. That's alright, my other math teachers at CHS were all winners as well. The one I had freshman year got arrested for a hit-and-run shortly after I graduated. Then the guy I had my junior and senior year was a total pervert... cause I would know haha. Rumor has it that he was living with one of his former female students when I graduated.  And he looked like Hagrid from Harry Potter. But hey, if that's what your into.  Math was always my least favorite subject in school, I'm starting to think that these award winners were the reason why.

Well that paragraph went sideways in a hurry. But yeah, I already had someone quit who just started two months ago. She was one of those people that was always looking to have problems with everyone. The weirdest part was that she would always bitch about me to the other new girl that started at the same time. First of all, you guys weren't friends before you both started working for me at the same time, and second, you didn't think the other girl would tell me this? To top it off she would come here and be all nice and act like she was my best friend. Um you've read my blog, I know you have because your an idiot, therefore you know I'm an asshole and love to shred people on here. So now its your turn. I'm sorry that you're so miserable that you feel the need to find problems with everyone to make yourself feel better. I can relate, I used to be that way but I'm trying to get better at it. Its called taking prozac, and finding healthy hobbies that make you happy. You know, not shit talking everyone your supposedly friends with and saying fake people are when you're the fakest bitch in the bunch. Its not my fault that you've had two children with a man who won't marry you because clearly he doesn't love you, if he did he would have put a ring on it by now. And you obviously don't love him either but stay with him because you don't want to support two children on your own and you don't think he'll be part of their life after you leave. Nah, you haven't told me any of this but I'm good at analyzing people, and its pretty easy to read you chick. Also, why would I want someone working for me who has a boyfriend... who can call him your husband but y'all ain't married, and probably never will be... who is so insecure he gets upset every time you come to work at night because he actually has to take care of the kids and what does he think that we're screwing the whole time you're here? No that was Michele's, job. Hi Michele! If you're reading this, now you can get mad too. But no, I'm not actually talking about you. Then, you get mad at me when I say its not my fault your "husband" is an insecure asshole who just doesn't want you to work, so why are you working for me? He obviously just wants you at home barefoot and pregnant, cooking and cleaning all day. No Michele, not fucking talking about Eric. Not everything's about you bitch.
So yeah, future advice, if you're going to work for me, but your husband, boyfriend, lesbian lover, Caitlyn Jenner, unicorn, or whoever you're screwing is going to be too insecure to have you working here, please don't apply. Especially if he's going to beat you for it so you have to say you walked into a door so you can't come to work. Okay, this may be an exaggeration and might not have happened but I'm pretty sure its more close to the truth than I'm comfortable with.

Finally, here's a picture my grandma found of some artwork I made when I was a kid. In honor of her birthday I'm posting on here. Look I used to be sweet and nice. And also, to prove the joke is true, here is the empty pill bottle full of old birthday candles that my mom keeps. Just a joke mom don't get mad. But seriously they're less than a dollar at the dollar store.

Hello Friends

Sorry I have not written on here in a while. I am sure my thousands of readers are just so disappointed, by that I mean about five people. I have been busy with my sit down comedy career. Yea I guess it is not technically a career since I have not actually gotten paid to do any shows, in fact I have had to bring people to most of my shows so technically I am actually paying them to preform for five to ten minutes which I am pretty sure it is called slavery but I do not have any black friends so I would not know. Lets see how many people I offend and get mad at that. I would tell that joke at my show but I am afraid people will kill me, just like I have a great Hitler joke but there are a lot of Jews in show business so I probably will not be able to tell it but I will write it on here. With all the bad things that have happened to me in my life I swear I was Hitler in a past life, that would explain my hatred toward Jews. Again that was a joke so do not get butt hurt reading it.

Gimpy decided to help me tonight and since I slept from 3am to 1pm and then took a nap from about 7pm to 8:30pm I decided that 2 am on Saturday morning would be a great time to update my blog. Since she has not been here in a while here is a great story that could only come from Gimpy, being a cripple like myself and being a total failure in the dating world, Gimpy decided to be like every other creepy single person in the world and get herself on a dating app. I imagine her profile said one footed girl seeks a man to carry her for long walks down the beach, enjoys wine tasting and picnics and doesn't mind being seen with a girl wearing slippers in public everywhere she goes. Also, the only place she will eat and sleep is in her own house and if that is a problem for you then that is a deal breaker oh yea and no vomiting ever otherwise you are dead to her. My friend that is obsessed with Gimpy now you know how to win her heart. Ew for whoever wants too she is on bumble bitches I don't know what the fuck that is even though I downloaded the app. So today Gimpy told me she had the brilliant idea of going to a random mans house she met on bumble but its ok they have been snapchatting for a week so she thinks he is safe. Also, he is a nurse at Yale so somehow that doesn't make him a serial killer. Supposedly, she went over there to see his new kittens and then she got mad at me when I joked yea that those weren't the only pussies he saw that day. Then she wanted tips on how to live the hoe life what the hell do you think I do with myself that I live the hoe life... just because I used to be a frequent strip club customer, and I have hired 2 former strippers to take care of me, have hooked up with a married women, and hooked up with a girl and her roommate all at the same time does not make me a hoe, oh wait that is exactly what I am. So speaking of hoes Gimpy's cousin who in her defense she told me not to hire but I did for like two weeks, well thank God I fired her even though she insisted she was not banging heroin. Well, turns out the girl that doesn't do drugs even though her kids were court ordered taken away from her for that exact reason, got choked out by her drug dealer because she owed him money and then when her dad came home her dealer also shot him too. I am also assuming he owed him money. Swear to God this is all true google it. 35 year old man shoots 63 year old Bristol Ct man to death in driveway. I am just glad that it was not me and my mom getting shot to death in our driveway. If anyone is going to come shoot us to death its all the bookies that I owe gambling money to. Again just a joke. Anyways crack head cousin is now in rehab using a hot cell phone to plan her escape because apparently she just wants to die. I am not going to say the world would be better off, but I will just imply it with this sentence yes cripples can go to hell.

I was going to write a paragraph bitching out someone who use to work for me but it is almost 2:30 and Gimpy forced me to take 3 allergy tablets because she secretly wants me to die... I am not her crack head cousin what the fuck? So instead I will just tell you where the rest of my shows are this month come see me I am funny damn it. Lets see how many people I can offend between my blog and my sit down comedy routine.

November 9 at 5pm New Haven
November 10th at Comix at Mohegan Sun Ct
November 17th at Comix at Mohegan sun Ct
November 29th at Broadway Comedy club in NYC BABYYY
there may or may not be more depending on what other offers I get or if I feel like dragging my fat lazy hairy crippled ass to any open mic nights throughout Ct.

Here is a picture of my blonde hair.... and a picture of me preforming in NYC ok I am sitting outside the club and I look retarded but you get the idea.