10 Celebs You Didn't Know Who Killed Someone and Why I Hate Impact!

Okay, I never want to make one of these stupid lists, but I know it will draw people in to read my blog and being the sick fuck that I am, I sadly know about all this without even looking it up. But here is a list of famous celebs who were either thought to have, or actually killed someone, that you might not know about...by the way this list is in no particular order of importance to me..it's just the first 10 that came to mind, but here it is:

1. Dog The Bounty Hunter- This shouldn't really surprise you, and he's pretty open about it. Here are the details according to Wikipedia which is oh so reliable..."In 1976, Chapman(Dog) was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to five years in a Texas prison. He had been waiting in a car when his friend accidentally shot and killed alleged pimp and drug dealer Jerry Oliver (aged 69) in a struggle during a deal to buy cannabis."

Check out this hot photo I found of him he looks like he about to give birth any minute.

2.Snoop Dogg- Again, not really surprising and it happened in the 90s, but here are the details complete with mugshot..."While recording Doggystyle in August 1993, Snoop Dogg was arrested in connection with the death of Phillip Woldermariam, a member of a rival gang who was shot and killed by Snoop's bodyguard, McKinley Lee; Snoop was charged with murder along with Lee as he was driving the vehicle from which the shooting had commenced. Snoop and Lee were defended by Johnnie Cochran. Both Snoop and Lee were acquitted; Lee was acquitted on grounds of self-defense, but Snoop Dogg remained entangled in the legal battles around the case for three years."

3. Ray Lewis- Another football player gone bad who basically got other people to take the blame for him or not press charges probably because he paid them off. And now he works for ESPN. That's not fucked up or anything. Here are the details and his hot mugshot..."Following a Super Bowl XXXIV party in Atlanta on January 31, 2000, a fight broke out between Lewis and his companions and another group of people, resulting in the stabbing deaths of Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar. Lewis and two companions, Reginald Oakley and Joseph Sweeting, were questioned by Atlanta police, and 11 days later the three men were indicted on murder and aggravated-assault charges. The fight occurred about 200 yards from the Cobalt Lounge at 265 East Paces Ferry Road in the Buckhead Village neighborhood about two miles north of downtown Atlanta where Lewis had been celebrating. The white suit Lewis was wearing the night of the killings has never been found. Fulton County District Attorney Paul Howard alleged the blood-stained suit was dumped in a garbage bin outside a fast food restaurant. A knife found at the scene did not have any fingerprints or DNA. Lewis subsequently testified that Oakley and Sweeting had bought knives earlier in Super Bowl week from a Sports Authority where Lewis had been signing autographs. Baker's blood was found inside of Lewis's limousine."

4. Razor Ramon- This was before he was a famous wrestler/drunk/drug addict. Here are the details, along with a sexy mugshot from one of his more recent arrests....."In 1983, Hall was charged with second degree murder after shooting a man with his own gun (after wrestling it away from him) in an altercation outside of a nightclub in Orlando, Florida. According to Hall, this was done in self-defense. The charges were dropped due to lack of evidence. In a 2011 interview for ESPN, Hall admitted killing the man and said he is unable to forget the incident."

5.Matthew Broderick- Yeah, I'm bummed that Ferris Bueller killed people in a car accident, not sure why he never was charged or went to jail but here's a photo I found from the accident...."On August 5, 1987, while driving a rented BMW in Enniskillen, Northern Ireland, Broderick crossed into the wrong lane and collided head-on with a Volvo driven by Anna Gallagher, 28, accompanied by her mother, Margaret Doherty, 63, killing both instantly. Broderick was vacationing with Jennifer Grey, whom he had begun dating in semi-secrecy during the filming of Ferris Bueller's Day Off; the crash publicly revealed their relationship. Broderick suffered a fractured leg, fractured ribs, concussion, and a collapsed lung. Grey received minor injuries, including whiplash. Broderick told authorities he had no recollection of the crash and did not know why he was in the wrong lane. "I don't remember the day. I don't remember even getting up in the morning. I don't remember making my bed. What I first remember is waking up in the hospital, with a very strange feeling going on in my leg," he said at the time. Broderick was charged with causing death by dangerous driving and faced up to five years in prison, but was later convicted of the lesser charge of careless driving and fined $175, which the victims' family called "a travesty of justice"."

6.Tony Stewart- Basically, he ran someone off the track and the guy was stupid for running out in the middle of the track to yell at him, but you'll never convince me that Stewart didn't hit him on purpose. Given all the fights he has gotten into at NASCAR events, but of course he was never charged cause ya know, he's Tony Stewart and the other guy was a nobody, so who cares that he ran him over on purpose and killed him? Watch this video and tell me it wasn't intentional.

7.Jimmy Superfly Snuka- Okay, so he died recently so I guess it doesn't really matter now, but basically without going into all the details, he killed his girlfriend back in the 80s, Vince McMahon may or may not have helped him cover it up, but it was very obvious that he killed her, yet he was never charged with her murder until 2015....."Snuka was indicted and arrested in September 2015 on third-degree murder and involuntary manslaughter charges, in relation to the May 1983 death of his girlfriend, Nancy Argentino, who died from injuries a coroner described as consistent with domestic violence."

8.Brandy- Okay, another car accident where someone unfortunately died that Brandy hit. Not sure she was ever actually charged for this or not, nor do I care enough to look it up, mostly because I hated her when I was a child. She always looked like she smelled a bad fart, and her brother is only famous for fucking Kim Kardashian on tape. Okay, so that's the only reason Kim is famous too! Here's a picture of the accident...."
Driving home on December 30, 2006, Norwood was involved in a fatal automobile collision on Los Angeles' San Diego (405) Freeway. 38-year-old Awatef Aboudihaj was the driver of a Toyota which was struck by Norwood's Range Rover. Aboudihaj died from her injuries at the L.A. Holy Cross Hospital the following day. Norwood was neither arrested nor charged with vehicular manslaughter due to insufficient evidence. Law enforcement officials reported that Norwood was driving her car at 65 miles per hour and did not notice that vehicles ahead of her had slowed considerably. Her vehicle then collided with the rear of Aboudihaj's, causing the Toyota to strike another vehicle before sliding sideways and impacting the center divider. As the Toyota came to a stop, it was hit by yet another vehicle. A source in the California Highway Patrol later reported that Aboudihaj actually struck the car in front of her and then slammed on her brakes before Norwood made contact. The sudden stop caused Norwood to hit Aboudihaj's car. As confirmed, toxicology reports showed that Aboudihaj had "slight traces" of marijuana in her system at the time of the crash."

9.Paul Walker- Okay, so it was a car accident and unfortunately Paul also died, however he was driving like an asshole and slammed into a tree and killed the passenger that was in the car with him. So yeah, good job Paul, he probably would have been charged with murder except for the fact that he died and forgot that the Fast and Furious franchise are movies done with stunt people and should not be attempted in real life. May he rest in pieces, yeah I know, I'm going to hell. If you don't know what happened by now, look it up yourself. Awful car wreck photo below.

10.Ted Kennedy- This asshole also survived a plane crash, but yeah, basically he got drunk one night on Martha's Vineyard, drove home from a party anyways with some girl he was fucking, assuming it wasn't his wife, cause why would the Kennedy's ever not have mistresses? On the way home, he somehow crashed his car off a bridge and into a river, swam out by himself, aka left the drunk drowning girl behind, returned to the party he had just left, where he only told one person what happened, and nobody contacted the authorities. The only reason her car and body were found is because some fisherman came across it the next day. Was he ever charged? No, cause he was a Kennedy. But yeah, I'm starting to see why all these bad things happened to that family.

Now that that list is over with, and we all feel dirty for having wrote or read it, heres some bitching I'm going to do about Impact Wrestling. I've only recently started watching it on a regular weekly basis. I also know that it was started when WWE bought out WCW and ECW, so some wrestlers would have another company to sign with and still be on TV. Shockingly, it's been on the air since 2005... And I know it's always going to be an inferior product, at least in my opinion to WWE, however; I feel like myself, the ex-wife, and my cat Flappy could do a better job of running this company lately. Two thirds of those people are retarded. First of all, they have never been good at creating or keeping original stars with the exception of AJ Styles, who only recently came to WWE, and EC3(depending on who you ask). All the other guys are either in WWE, stolen from WWE, or working in Mexico or Japan, or some other shitty wrestling company I've never heard of... Ring Of Honor not included. I get they love to do what WCW did and bring in WWE has-beens, or guys that never quite lived up to the hype. I'm looking at you Tyrus, aka Brodus Clay, a dancing fat dinosaur..who would've thought that gimmick wouldn't work out? But recently, even though it's still in financial ruins, it was bought by new owners. Yes, I know, Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins fame is suing them for money he's claimed he's owed by them...which is in the millions of dollars, and yes I know that Taz quit as one of their announcers because he said they owed him money... and yes I know several famous wrestlers that used to work for them say they're still owed money, like Sting, the Hardy Boys, and God only knows who else. All that being said, I was excited when Dixie Carter sold the company, because according to the internet trolls, she was the one making it awful. Well, she gone now, and in my opinion, Impact Wrestling has gone from a trailer park to Pervert Park fast. Yes, Pervert Park is a real place, look it up.

No, it's not trashy like when WWE was good in my childhood and rated TV-14. It just sucks on a different level. First of all, when the new owners took over, they let their biggest star go, in Broken Matt Hardy, and his brother Jeff. Yes, I hated the Broken Matt Hardy character at first, but he grew on me. And now I'm pissed that he's gone and part of me is wondering why I'm still watching Impact. Yes, there is Aron Rex aka Damien Sandow, who I fucking love, but of course he has not really been on TV since the new owners took over... poor bastard was always over looked in WWE, despite the fans loving him, and now he's getting the same shitty treatment in Impact. Sure, I don't care that Drew Galloway is gone, he was boring in WWE and Impact. Along with some lame wrestlers who left. I am pissed about Maria and Mike Bennett, I liked them before they were on Impact, when I used to see them at Independent Northeast Wrestling shows. Yes, they were heels that you love to hate, and every wrestling company needs heels that you love to hate. Plus Maria is so fucking hott, and I loved her back in her WWE days when she did a whole lot of nothing, except date every wrestler in the locker room. But look at some of the assholes they've brought in... Alberto El PAtron aka Alberto Del Rio. How many times has this fucker been fired from WWE for failing drug tests, or just generally being a dick to people? The fucked up part is, he has been brought in as the new big acquisition to the company and is fighting Bobby Lashley(another snore fest fired from WWE and not quite good enough to make it in UFC so fights in Bellator aka poor mans Brock Lesnar)...for the the Impact Wrestling Heavyweight Championship, which he will sadly probably win.  I guess Alberto whatever the fuck you want to call him isn't that bad, I mean he was nice to me when I met him, see picture below. But, I'd much rather watch Broken  Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Mike Bennett and Maria any day over that guy!

Here are some of the other great new characters that have been brought in:
-A tag team of Mexican wrestlers who are so sucky and lame I can't even remember anything distinguishing about them. Here's a picture... oh God, I'm bored just looking at it. According to Impact Wrestling, they don't even know who these losers are.

-Next is Reno Scum, where to begin with Reno Scum...First of all, I'm pretty sure they are White Supremacists... for real, I'm not even kidding. For some reason, they have British accents, or something sounding like that, and they yell Oi Oi Oi all the time, because that makes you bad ass! Also, why do you have accents when your from Reno Nevada. One of them literally has "Reno" tattooed on himself,.. Why the fuck would you put that on your body? That would be like me having "Waterbury" tattooed on myself... Nobody from those places even wants to admit they are from there! I have nothing against these guys really, and I don't blame them for taking Impact's money and trying to make some money for themselves and get some attention, but I'm literally waiting for the day they get fired for posting White Supremacist stuff on social media. No, do not interpret that the wrong way, I don't support the fact I think they are White Supremacists, I support them taking money and trying to become famous! But seriously, Impact Wrestling, you let the Hardy's go and had these guys beat Decay, the one tag team left in Impact that I like, because you think these tools are the future of tag team wrestling in Impact? Take a look for yourselves at Reno Scum below.

-Also, there is I don't even know who these fuckers are, except I know their leader was Conan in WCW and on Lucha Underground, but he looks like he's about 60 years old and as qualified to wrestle as I would be. The worst part is they literally stereotype him and his group as Hispanic gang bangers. First of all, some of them come out with Mexican flags, some have Cuban, and some have Puerto Rican flags, so make up your mind where you guys are from, because you're also called "LAX", for reasons unknown. To make them extra classy, they have gunshots going off in their entrance music and they make gun hand gestures entering the ring and after they win a match. Oh, and did I mention, after they win the match, they drape flags over their opponents, so not only does it look like their opponents are dead, but I'm pretty sure that's what gang members do after they kill someone from a rival gang. Keeping it classy Impact Wrestling! Here's this band of misfits.

-Finally, my least favorite story line of all , which is getting a huge push right now...Josh fucking Matthews. This dweeb couldn't make it as a wrestler in WWE, so he became an announcer and they even hated him doing that so they fired him from that after way too many years in my opinion. For some reason, Impact Wrestling thought he was a "big get", and replaced Jeremy Borash, Mike Tenay, and Taz with Matthews and Da Pope.... BARF, don't even get me started on why this is terrible because it would be a separate blog post all together! Yes, I just found out Matthews is married to five time former Impact Wrestling Knockout Champion Madison Rayne... but she hardly wrestles now and is mostly an announcer during the Knockout matches. Well the most recent episode of Impact featured a two week story arc building up that "she" was coming... stupid me actually thought "she" might be someone interesting. Nope, not Impact Wrestling. It was only Karen Jarrett, who is the wife of Jeff Jarrett. I believe Jeff and his dad founded Impact Wrestling and both worked there for awhile before leaving to start another wrestling company. Not quite sure why his wife came back, or why it was a big deal, or why Josh Matthews was crapping his pants about it, because God forbid Impact Wrestling explain the past story lines. But this was their main event story line for the last episode. Really? The wife of the former owner having beef with the announcer everybody fucking hates anyway is your main event story line? I get why everybody hates Josh Matthews he's an annoying tool and not an original to Impact, but why am I supposed to care that the wife of Jeff Jarrett is back, she never wrestled, as far as I know. Also, what is her problem with Matthews, who she said she'll fire. I'm assuming not in real life, or is the problem supposed to be with his wife? The episode ended with her bitch slapping him, because nothing says drama and I can't wait to tune in next week, like the wife of a former main event wrestler feuding with a dorky announcer. What's next? David Arquette winning the World Heavyweight Title, thanks to a suggestion by Vince Russo. Look it up if you don't know wrestling history... it really happened and it's really as awful as it sounds and I think Impact Wrestling is about five episodes away from him or Dutch Mantell aka Zeb Colter being champion again, and that's why Impact Wrestling will never over take the WWE. Hell, it might not even survive into the next decade! For those that want to see, here's a photo of David Arquette as the WCW World Heavyweight Champion. To put it into perspective, it would be like James Ellsworth being the WWE champ!

 

Last Week Tonight

I watched this show on HBO, and it's actually funny. It's like The Daily Show, but since it's on HBO, they can say and do a lot more. AKA it's actually funny, which The Daily Show hasn't been since Jon Stewart left. Don't care how you take this, why would you hire a half British half South African comedian to host a show about US politics, even if it is satirical? Anyway, John Oliver used to work for The Daily Show in it's funny days and even filled in for Jon Stewart one summer. The point I'm trying to get to is, and I don't even remember how it came up, but they found a clip from Fox and Friends(the worst show on television), seriously even Cop Rock and Baywatch Nights were better shows.... look it up they were fucking terrible and I'm being sarcastic. One show is about a bunch of cops in a NYC precincts who broke out into random musical numbers and Baywatch Nights was basically David Hasselhoff somehow became a detective at night, even though he was still a lifeguard by day, and was solving crimes sometimes of the supernatural variety. I swear to God these were both real shows look it up.The first video is a musical number from Cop Rock and the second is of the Hoff on Baywatch Nights.

 

 

And if I can find the video from Last Week Tonight, which shows a midget dressed like a leprechaun sitting on Judge Andrew Napolitano's lap from many a St. Patrick's Day gone by. Ya know, Judge Napolitano who suggested that the British helped Obama wiretap Trump Tower, and has now been taken off the air at Fox and possibly fired. To get pulled off the air/ possibly fired from Fox News, you really have to be a fuck up, I mean Glenn Beck worked there for years without getting pulled off the air. That fucker was a huge coke head when he got fired from his morning radio show on KC 101 in CT back in my younger days. Cause he had more crazy conspiracy theories than the ex wife. Anyway the internet hates me and I can't find this great video or a picture of the midget hired off Craigslist self admitted by the hosts of Fox and Friends sitting on Judge Napolitano's lap saying "Top of the mornin' to ya Judge". Trust me, it's as awesome as it sounds. Okay this isn't the video, it is from Fox News and it's somebody saying they hate Rory McIlroy, whose a famous golfer because he's a leprechaun, yeah I have no idea wtf they are talking about but that's how I often feel when Fox News is on, however, if they said they hated more famous people for being leprechauns, I'd definitely watch more often!

Speaking of top of the mornin' to ya... it also showed clips from tons of local news shows around the country saying that on St. Patrick's Day, because that's the only stereotypical Irish thing that stupid local news anchors can think to say. it's like in Anchorman, when Will Farrell just reads whatever is on the teleprompter no matter how bad or fucked up it is. At one point, he says "Go fuck yourself San Diego" because thats what the teleprompter tells him to say. This was a comedy movie, but I feel it's not too far from reality. Anyway, my favorite top of the mornin' to ya clip came from good ole' Crapneticut. I'm sure I won't be able to find it since Youtube sucks more balls than bitchface, but it was from News 12. Yes, I have known a lot of people who worked for them, and unfortunately I don't get that channel because it's only in Fairfield County and the NYC area, but this clip was so bad, anybody that worked or works there should be embarrassed. They were talking about a deadly shooting in Bridgeport(big surprise), in other news the sky is blue, and they knew it was a fatal shooting because the police saw tons of blood when they pulled up to the crime scene. While the news anchors are saying this, there is video of a parked police car with it's lights on flashing and a taped off police scene complete with yellow police tape. They literally finished saying that, with the video still playing in the background, and one of the news anchors yells "TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA ITS ST. PATRICK'S DAY"! I'll take awkward transitions for 200 Alex. Thank God I don't work in the TV News business, it's gotten so bad. I shit you not, last week channel 8 had a story on about avoiding deadly snow piles. Thank God they did because I was about to roll my chair right into one because it looked like so much fun to play in. But channel 8 taught me they could crush or suffocate me to death. They definitely got my back. You'll only get that reference if you live in this awful state! For those that don't know, it's the stupid saying they have when they show those dramatic commercials for their great undercover investigations they have. Ya know, like how to survive deadly snow piles, bear attacks in the summer, and who was stealing tons of shrimp from a super market. Yes, these are all real investigations by Channel 8 in Connecticut, look it up. Someone that used to work for me works as a reporter there now. I really hope she doesn't read this or take offense to it if she does. But it's fucking awful. And to be fair, it's not just channel 8, it's all the local news channels around here. Okay this is from Ohio, but you'll get the point!

Also from the last episode of Last Week Tonight, they talked about something so awesome I'm pissed I didn't know it existed until now, and it's been going on since 2001. Apparently in Bolivia, yeah I don't know where that is either. Just kidding you ignorant fools it's in South America. There is a huge traffic problem in the city of La Paz... there are several deadly hit and run accidents ever year. A lot of them unfortunately involved children walking to and from school. So how did the people Bolivia decide to solve this problem? They didn't hire more cops, hell they didn't even hire more crossing guards. They hired people to dress in Zebra costumes to stand in the road with stop signs, yell at and mock drivers who aren't obeying traffic laws, and sometimes they will literally stand in front of cars to get them to stop. Am I fucked up for saying that would just make me want to hit them more? Here's a video of them in action!

Anyway, when the traffic is slow or they don't have a lot to do the traffic zebras break out into random dances on the side of the road. Also, there are rules if you want to be a traffic zebra. You have to respect the costume, and are never allowed to take off your zebra head in public. They even found a video clip of one of them interviewing another one. One of the zebra women even said she felt deep in her heart, that she was always meant to be a Zebra. Yes, because all zebras can walk on two legs and talk and dance on the side of the street 3,000 miles from Africa. Did I mention most of these Zebra's are recovering addicts? But I mean, I'm not really surprised. Who the fuck else would want to do this job? Hell, the first day I had to work it, I'd relapse. The only way you're going to get me to dress like a zebra and dance on the side of the road while arguing with passing cars would be to get me really high or drunk.

I went to Smackdown Live at my second home, aka Mohegan Sun on Tuesday because I love me some wrestling and nothing makes for better people watching then a WWE show at the casino. If you ever are feeling down about yourself, go to a wrestling show at the casino, and I guarantee you will find at least a dozen people that will make you say "well at least I'm not them". Yes, I was there, and I fully admit I'm white trash for loving wrestling, but I still like people watching and laughing at them at these shows. Surprisingly, nothing too crazy happened to me while I was there. Rare because freaks are attracted to me in public, like a moth to a flame. Especially at a wrestling show, especially at the casino! Gronk was there. I don't know how to spell his real name nor do I care because I think he is a massive douchebag! What really pissed me off was he had three of his douchey friends and himself sitting in the front row right behind the announcers, cause God forbid Gronk isn't the center of attention. You know they got those seats for free too. The fucked up part is he left at 9, when the show wasn't over until 11:15, and never came back...probably because he got to go meet all the wrestlers or try to hook up with some of the WWE Divas. Jealous? You bet I am, even though I think he's a massive douchebag playing for the worst team in the NFL. And somehow, he gets more attention than anyone on the Patriots, besides Tom Brady, despite getting injured every season and playing about 5 games. Sadly, I still know he gets more ass than a toilet seat despite being a roided up stereotypical NFL douchebag. He probably has balls the size of grapes from the steroids. Sounds like the perfect catch for bitchface. You can stay home passed out on his couch high smoking weed everyday, while he brings in the real money. Pump out a few of his bastard children and you've got him for 18 years. Oh wait no, she can't do that. She'd make too much money and have to move out of her section 8 house, along with the other 100 immigrants living there with her. At least there'd be a big ass driveway for all their stolen cars though. I wonder if she's related to Aaron Hernandez, it would explain a lot! Okay, so I broke my rule. But it was only to make fun of bitchface not gossip about her. Hello bitchface, I still know what you did last summer! Hahaha, if you don't get that kill yourself. And with that, microphone drop. I'm out! Thanks Kathy, for helping me find a wheelchair seat at the wrestling show after the bitch at the will call window told me all the ADA seats were sold out so I couldnt go, but they might refund my money... Guess what happens to people who lie to me about wrestling shows...you know what happens to them...when they lie about no wheelchair seats and theres a half empty wheelchair platform right next to the entrance ramp... you know what happens to them...SHE JUST MADE THE LIST!!! Goodnight Steve Doocy, I hate myself for even knowing who that is. But it's very appropriate that that is his name and he works for Fox News.

Eat Shit and Die

Trashboat never accepted my friend request.....fuck that bitch she is dead to me. I had big plans for her and putting her in my comedy routines but now she is just that one random tennis shoe you see on the side of the highway sometimes.

Anyway, yesterday I was bored so I went to Foxwoods to watch the finals of the New England Patriots cheerleader auditions. What? You are surprised? Have you not read this blog to hear how creepy and weird I am! It was free and it was open to the public in my defense and thanks to another worker biting the dust, which I'll write about in a minute, I was fat and depressed....mostly fat somewhat depressed...so I needed something to do to get me out of the house. See by the bitch quitting on Friday when she was supposed to be here that night, I had to cancel yet another show, plus the piece of shit van was leaking oil anyways. Hopefully it gets fixed tomorrow because I am going to SmackDown on Tuesday at Mohegan Sun! Before anybody says it, ill just say it, my mom bought my workers ticket and my friend bought his and my ticket. I currently have $-1500 between my two bank accounts, 4 maxed out credit cards, and a maxed out paypal credit. So yeah....any help you want to send my way to my new van fund would be greatly appreciated. Click HERE!!  You know before bill collectors and fat Tony start coming to my house looking for me, the bill collectors have already started calling.

Yeah so they Patriot cheerleader tryouts were fun to watch for all the perverted reasons you can think of. Minus the annoying frat guys who stood behind me making a running commentary about what was wrong with each girl, which is funny because you know none of those guys could get any of those girls who were on stage unless they slipped a roofie into their drink as frat guys like to do, ALLEGEDLY!! But seriously...they were fat and gross. As were a lot of people there, it was way more fun people watching then watching the hot girls on stage. First of all there was two guys in the crowd, one looked like Dolph Ziggler from WWE and the other looked like The Miracle Mike Bennett formerly on Impact Wrestling. I don't have any pictures of the look a-likes sorry to say. But here are the real guys they look like.

Then there was the women who used to be hot, I'm guessing they were either the moms of the girls trying out or former Patriot cheerleaders themselves reliving their glory days which is just sad on so many levels. Either way they were dressed way too inappropriately for woman of their age and they smelled like old lady perfume, why do old women feel the need to bath in old lady perfume? It doesn't hide the fact that you are trying to relive your glory days by smelling like a hooker. The problem is, you no longer look like a hot hooker, you look like one of those crack whore hooker. Also, to really sound like an asshole, judging by some of the family members and attendants, I feel sorry for these girls future boyfriends, husbands, or girlfriends hey I don't judge, because if they look like their moms or whoever these women were in 20 years it'll be like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin puts on after shave for the first time and yells really loud because it burns so bad...except it will be their eyes burning.

Plus I hate the Patriots so I don't feel bad writing this, I am a die hard Giants fan and for some stupid reason they don't have cheerleaders. Thanks dad. The Jets have cheerleaders and they are pretty fucking hot and all of his friends growing up were Jets fans, but oh no you had to root for the Giants and brainwash me to root for the Giants. This is just sarcasm people don't take this too serious. But I think whoever judges the Patriots cheerleaders maybe a wee bit racist. There were like 3 Black girls out of the 95 finalists and 2 of them went right at the beginning so you completely forgot about them, no Asians that I saw, who doesn't love a hot Asian and there might have been some Hispanics but honestly some of the girls were so orange from their bad tanning habits that I couldn't tell if they were Hispanic or just trying to get a part as an Oompah-Loompah in the next reboot of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory or they are trying to be the presidents next future wife. Melania is getting up there in age it's almost time for him to trade her in for a new younger hotter version as he likes to do every so often. Ivana Trump anyone? Look it up millennial's! Of course at the end each girl got one minute to go up and choreograph a dance number to a song of their choice. A lot of them were songs I have heard several times back in my crazier days back when I was a strip club regular. Probably because the girls who don't make the cut will be working there soon. But to make it more awkward one of the 3 Black girls danced to Fever and was basically humping the floor for 30 seconds out of her minute long dance. Okay I know NFL cheerleaders are supposed to be hot and nice to look at but be a little subtle about it, don;t literally dance like a stripper especially for your final dance in front of the judges. Then there was that awkward moment when contestant 78 never showed up so they played her song while the other girls on stage at the time awkwardly stood there before one of the hosts finally explained that the girl who was supposed to dance to that song never showed up. Not that I care but what were you doing number 78 that was more important than this? You literally stood in line for hours to try out to be a Patriots cheerleader, made it to a 1/95 final list and basically had a 33% chance of making the team just to not show up for the final audition! I know I've blown some big opportunities but damn girl, you gone fucked up!

For whatever reason, the judges decided to have all the finalists tell a random fact about themselves while they calculated their final choices. Apparently out of the 95 finalists, 60 go to a two week boot camp before they pick the final 34 girls for the roster. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to bring these girls out one last time to tell random facts about themselves but who ever it was should be shot immediately no questions asked because it was every bit as awkward as it sounds. Some of the facts were so lame, not sure if it's because the girls were so stupid or just live that boring of a fucking life that even all the random perverts friends and family members in the audience hardly clapped or there was dead silence. My top 3 faves...the girl who said she was trying out for the 9th time and would never give up. My inner gay black man came out when I heard this and I yelled - Oh honey no! If they haven't picked you by now, they are never going to plus not that I should talk because I am 31 but if you have been trying out for 9 years, that means you are at least 27 now, it's time to give up the dream. Another girl claimed she could hit the bulls eye on a target from 50 yards away with a bow and arrow, is it wrong that I wanted her to prove this? No seriously I wanted her to prove it. Mostly because I think she was full of shit and the tools that were hosting this stupid event would have probably got impaled by an arrow. My personal theory is that she watched the Hunger Games before her auditions, couldn't think of anything, so just lies and pretended she was the next Jennifer Lawrence. Finally the best one and there is no topping this EVER!! Was the girl who bragged that she started a charity for people in 3rd world countries by sending choreographers over to these countries to teach them how to dance.....yeah I'm sure starving people who barely have any clothes or shoes to wear  really appreciate their dance lessons but I'm thinking they want help with more important things like food, clothing, shelter, and not being murdered slash seeing all their female family members raped by the war lord who is currently running that country. Just a theory, unless there is some fucked up version of Dancing With The Stars in Africa where the winner gets to feed his village for the rest of their life. Then by all means go for it! Yes I know I am going to hell, I accepted this fact a long time ago. Here's a video of her charity choreography put to good use...

To top off that wonderful night, I came home and watched Lockup: Extended Stay. What the fuck else am I supposed to watch at 4 am on Sunday morning? Normally, I get bored with this show pretty fast, if you have seen one rapist/murderer make toilet hooch and a shank out of a toothbrush, you've seen them all...but not that night. Thank God I kept it on! For upon that night, or early morning depending on how you look at it, I met Krak Rok. For those of you not cool enough to know, Krak Rok was one of the featured prisoners in the episode, who when not serving hard time, is a "rapper" that wears clown make up for some reason and calls himself Krak Rok because according to him, all good musicians have to do drugs. And he wanted to be subtle about it... When I looked up Mr. Krak Rok on the Youtubes, I was not disappointed. I found this lovely video.





First of all, This fucker has almost 800 subscribers to his Youtube channel, and his videos have been viewed over 50,000 times. By comparison, I have 1 subscriber and about 100 views on my Youtube channel. That doesn't make me wanna kill myself or anything. But yeah, first of all the song is called "Eat Shit and Die". I was trying to find the one called "Pig Farm" but I couldn't! Second, why is his face painted like a baseball. Third, it looks like he's performing in someones basement or a divebar for about 5 people, and I thought some of my comedy show locations and audiences were sad. His were worse! See the fat guy rocking out in the background? He was one of the guys that came to pick Krak Rok up when he got released from prison. Sadly, this was probably the highlight of these guys lives. And now they sit back in their shared prison cell and think back to that one time seven years ago, that they were on a show on MSNBC that airs on weekends at 4 in the morning. There's probably hundreds of people watching. What? He hasn't posted a new song since 2012 so I can only assume him and his fat friends went back to jail to do some more crack rock. Oh and here is the lovely bio he wrote on Youtube about himself...

"I am a artist and I paint with my tongue killer kazoo is where I hail from, gun ru

 616 I Impale sum Morlock records is what I rep son"

Don't forget to donate here... and if you would like to donate to me in person or buy one of my 

hilarious shirts, here are my upcoming performances... 

Tuesday 4/4- Dangerfields Comedy Club in NYC. Tickets are $15 @ the door

Tuesday 4/11- Hartford Funnybone Open Mic. Free show @ 7:30pm

Tuesday 4/18- Dante's in Stratford. Free show @ 7pm, you just have to buy food and drink

Friday 4/21- Cabot Comedy Club in Chicopee Mass @10:30pm. Tickets are $10 and can be

purchased online or at the door.

Thursday 5/4- Comix Mohegan Sun @10pm. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased online or at the door. 

Thursday 5/18- Comix Mohegan Sun @10pm. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased online or at the door.

gofundme.com/robertsnewvan

IM A FRIEND OF TRASH BOAT

Does that make me VIP status everywhere I go? I'm thinking if I'm friends with her it most certainly does. Second only to being friends with the President. I don't want to say his last name because I fear hes like Beetlejuice or Voldemort, that if I mention him too much he'll appear. Anyway since I'm too lazy too re write the whole trash boat story and my workers are far too stupid to write it twice... Here's the FB status I made:

"Despite my best efforts to be nicer lately, it's really hard when Facebook suggests I friend request someone named Trash Boat that lives in Texas, and asked if I know someone named Andree Thompson.... I'm a white guy from Cheshire do you think I know these fuckers?! Please take offense I love angry comments... Okay I friend requested Trash Boat out of morbid curiosity and she is everything I thought she would be from the stalking I did. You think she goes by trash, trashy, or miss boat? Or if she's married is it Mrs. Trash Boat I want to be PC. Hopefully she accepts so I can ask her." Also, check out the hot pictures of Miss Trash Boat.

Okay so the first photo is a real boat of trash, the second photo, is some band named Trash Boat, apparently they are from England and judging by the high quality photo of them, they spent about $5 or pounds in their case, of their mom's hard earned money to take that glamour shot in their high school gymnasium circa 1994.  I bet their first music video was shot in black and white with an old guy running around for no reason. What? that's what every emo band in the mid 90s did. Okay so they aren't from the mid 90s, but that's not the point. In the third photo, if you cant tell, that's her 100% sober.  As you can tell how sober she is in the fourth photo of her pictured with a beer in her hand. And if you look really closely to the third picture, you can see cut marks on her arm! As if calling yourself Trash Boat wasn't a big enough cry for help. I think the cutting and the artwork really sends the message home Miss Boat.

I really need to start performing again, and trying to get people to buy my stupid shirts or get people to donate to my Gofundme. I'll put an updated list of my upcoming shows at the end of this post. My finacnes have gotten so bad that I can't afford the monthly payment of $10.12 for Netflix any longer and I had to send myself $3.50 through Square Cash today just to buy some food. I need my food stamps back! God I have become the white trash that hates everyone who wants or inappropriately receives government handouts, but bitch when I don't get my Social Security and food stamps at the start of every month.... or as I like to call them Trump supporters, can't wait til they realize that he is going to do everything in his power to cut or eliminate these programs. I'm lucky enough to have a mom who lets me mooch off her, even if she does complain every time I ask her for $20. I don't know, what all these people that don't have nice moms who make a decent living and are fully capable of working full time jobs are going to do. Although my mom told me she wants to get rid of our house within 10 years... I'm guessing I'm not included in the plans of where she is headed after that. If I'm still rolling around on this earth, I'd be rolling straight to the nursing home.

Now to rant about why I'm such an asshole... mentally despite what most people think, I am of sound mind and fully aware and capable of realizing the consequences of the choices I make. Despite this, at least two of my workers make me feel like I'm mentally retarded and that they are going to run to my mommy, or the state run agency who pays them half the time. Every time I piss them off or fuck up, well if you're going to threaten me and keep doing shit to piss me off, yeah I'm going to piss you off on purpose. Yes, I know I'm almost 32, don't work, and pathetically rely on my mom for way too much, but I'm not fucking retarded and I'm a grown ass man. Stop threatening to tattle tale on me. By the way, it's also most of my lovely workers faults that I can't get a fucking job. I would love to do anything just to start making money so I can eventually become independent of my mom(not in a negative way), but they make it almost impossible. Besides the fact that most of them only put up with me for less than a year because I'm a raging dick, but since I'm always trying to find people to help me, how am I supposed to find steady employment when I rely on them to help me with it? But here's an even greater explanation of why I'm a huge dick. Let's take the most recent example of a job I was trying to get. I'm trying to get a job being a Stat keeper for the Hartford Yard Goats this season. It only pays $30 a game, but it's better than nothing and I know a lot about baseball. Do you think any of the girls who work for me want to help me get this job? So we can actually leave my house once in a while? Oh no no no, in the words of Paul Heyman, look it up non-wrestling fans.

The first girl bitched when I had to email a copy of my resume and then answer a few follow up questions to prove I know facts about baseball. Cause ya know, she had to type a couple sentences. Then they mailed me a sample game so I could download the software on my computer, fill out the game, and send it back, as they stated, as soon as possible, because the positions are first come first serve. The DVD has been sitting at my house for more than two weeks... do you think it's even been started yet? Oh no no no... Why? Because the fucking software you use to keep score is about as complicated as cracking the genetic code and I cant figure out which of the geniuses/ former strippers/ stupid whores(as one worker calls them, not even my words)/ assistants to Stephen Hawking is going to help me with this monumental task! First of all they don't know shit about shit, unless it involves recreational drug use, shopping, binge drinking, unexpected pregnancies, or falling on a black dick they haven't liked! And yes these are the future nurses, occupational therapists. physical therapists, and welfare recipients of the world...I shit you not! One of them was amazed the other day when I told her not only was it March, but it was Monday not Tuesday. I can't make this shit up I swear on my dead father! And I consider that a good day, because half the time I'm left wondering if their even gonna show up, and which cat I should appoint to take care of me in their absence... they don't fucking care. House fire? Somehow Robert will get himself out despite not having any arm or leg movement. Home invasion? Well, atleast people in Cheshire become famous after that so I wont have financial problems anymore, assuming I survive. If not my mom can write a NYT best seller! Moms away on a business trip or vacation? Whatever, somehow Flappy will put Robert to bed, if not he can sleep in his chair by the fireplace, he will survive 12 hours on his own with his garage wide open and doors unlocked! That's safe right? Sadly, these are all really things I had to think about lately with the A-list group I've got working for me. Sadly, there is about an average of 5 hours a week, every week, where I'm home alone despite my mom paying for 24/7 care. Yet, I thoroughly enjoy these five hours, because there is no drama, no one screaming yelling or bitching at me, I'm not being blamed for anything, and my A crew isn't fighting amongst each other  about how my mom forgot to pay them $5.00, or $7.00 for a movie ticket, again not making this up!

So yeah, because of the snow storm, I spent 31 hours with my mom, but it actually wasn't that bad, and it was nice to have a break from the drama, but the worst thing my mom yells about is the sink being dirty. She doesn't make accusations on social media, that I'm a sex fiend obsessed with crazy bitches who have done time in juvy and the psych ward. Okay my mom has probably thought that, but she hasn't written it! The best reason why I spent 31 hours with just her, because God forbid the ex wife spend a day and a half with me, although she claims to love and care about me so much that she wont even spend her birthday with me, but that's a post for another day. Also, she constantly complains about not having enough money. Here's a great idea, work a 40 hour shift with me every week and see how much money you will have. Oh wait, you wouldn't know because you do the bare minimum to pay your bills, because God forbid you save up for something one day when your roommate, Robert, or Robert's mom can pay for it instead! The other great part to this story is that one of the new workers, we'll call her Bozo the Clown, or Bozo for short. She was supposed to work a 24 hour shift and ride the snow storm out with me. Now I knew the storm was supposed to start at 4am, and I usually go to bed with the ex wife between 1-2 am, and of course she had to bitch and moan the whole time until she left. I offered Bozo to come in at midnight, when she got off her other job at 11pm, but do you think she would come in? Oh no no no, that would be far too simple. And do you think she would text me that she wasn't coming? Oh no no no, well she did at 2:30 pm when she was supposed to be here at 8 am, with some story about how she got pulled over on the highway and her car got towed driving on the highway during the travel ban, allegedly. Me cries bullshit. First of all, you live in Meriden and your mom lives in Southington, so no matter whose house you were coming from you don't have to take the highway to my house in Cheshire. Second of all, I tried to tell you this would happen, and that's why you should come BEFORE the snow, but of course you couldn't. Then, the travel ban was over at 5pm and you normally work the overnight shift Tuesdays approximately 9pm to 10 am, but could you come in for that? Oh no no no... Why? Because your car got "towed" but yet, first thing this morning, there you were at my house, with a ride from your friend, to supposedly pick up your check, and get your car back. Of course you could get a ride to my house first thing in the morning when money is involved. Sadly I'm not surprised, what was I expecting? You used to be friends with bitch face and tried to have her cousin work for me. Uh yeah, like I'll ever let bitch face's cousin in my house. I don't care how bad their relationship is, or how distant a relative she is to bitch face. I'm starting to think that bitch face and bozo are secretly conspiring together to make me go crazy, which actually would make a lot of sense. Bozo did start when bitch face left. And bitch face knew she was coming in, plus they both spent time in juvy, the psych ward, had bastard children, collect food stamps and welfare, and were childhood friends. I haven't seen this big a conspiracy since the Kennedy assassination. I'M MEDIA, I'm out, I'm goin' to pour a 40 on the curb for my fallen comrade Griff Jenkins and his camera woman Kathy, RIP you big tools, by the way they aren't really dead don't worry.

Upcoming Shows:
Friday 3/17- VFW Pawcatuck  CT, free show even though its far and a friday night, me performing for a bunch of war vets on st. patty's day...I'm sure it'll go fantastic!
Tuesday 4/4- Dangerfield Comedy Club in NYC, tickets $15 at door, and this time I'm going damnit
Friday 4/14- Cabot Comedy Club in Chiccopee MA, tix $10 and can be bought online or at door. It's a Friday even though it's far so please come support me.
Tuesday 4/18- Dante's in Stratford, free but you have to buy dinner and a drink, please come support me, I can win $50 or $100 and a spot in the finals.
Sat 5/13- Havent booked yet, due to lack of funds, but if I come up with $200 I'm going to do a show at 7pm @ the Cheshire Youth Center next to Cheshire High so I can pay myself and fellow comics some money for performing. It will also be a fundraiser for my van. Tickets will be $10 if it happens.
Thursday 5/18- Comix Mohegan Sun @ 10pm. Tix are $10 and can be bought online or at the door.

Finally if you read all this and still don't hate me, please donate to my new van Gofundme.. the link is here

Why I Hate My State!

Not that this is his fault, but it's too funny a picture to not use. No I will not be voting for you again, but I hope you enjoy that hot dog Governor!

I know I always write about how much I hate Connecticut, or as I like to call it, Crapnecticut, but today was I ever proven correct as too why it sucks so bad. First of all, my food stamps got cancelled, yeah, I get them and no I won't apologize for it. I mean if she who shall not be written about qualifies for them, since she popped out of her moms vag, ew I even grossed myself out with that one, than why shouldn't I? Between my two bank accounts I have like, negative $1,500, and probably over $15,000 in credit card debt. Why? Because I make terrible life choices and try to help shitty people who don't deserve it. Yes, I'm talking about the ex wife and she who shall not be written about. But they decided to mail my letter on March 6th, telling me they were cancelled as of February 28th, and also sent me a letter saying I had to do a phone interview as part of the renewal process on Friday night March 3rd, when they are only open M-F 8-4. Did I mention the phone interview had to be done by March 7th. So just to make sure they weren't cancelled, which turns out not to matter, I called them at 2:30 on Monday March 6th, to sound like my best disabled friend, I shit you not I was on hold and did not get to do the phone interview until 3:55, but keep in mind they close at 4. Luckily, the interview only took a minute or two. However, when I called today, ready for what the problem was?! I didn't send them a tax return for selling items on Ebay and being a Journalist. First of all, I make no where near $600 a year, the amount you have to make to file a tax return for a job doing either one of those things. And second, they said I made an average of $6.52 a month being a Journalist in 2015. Holy shit, somebody call President Trump because apparently I'm committing Tax Fraud and illegal wire taps with my $6.52 a month in Journalism profits. I know this blog is terrible and lots of fucked up people like reading it, but trust me, I don't make shit writing it.


Good Lord, no wonder everybody flees this state as fast as they can. Every time I watch a sports show with a former ESPN personality, they always say how happy they are to be out of Connecticut and in warm California, especially during the winters. In my lifetime we had one professional sports team worth writing about, and they even left 20 years ago for North Carolina! Have you been to North Carolina?! Even people who live there, don't want to live there, never mind play hockey. All they care about is their trailer park insurance, keeping their guns, no tobacco taxes, and who won the Nascar race last Sunday. Ironically, the Carolina Hurricanes, who used to be the Hartford Whalers, are rumored to be looking to move out of North Carolina too. Our Governor is so dumb, he thinks that somehow he can get the New York Islanders to move here.... Sure Malloy, they'll come here as soon as the Whalers come back. You can't even build a fucking baseball stadium in Hartford correctly after 3 years, and you think an NHL team is gonna look at that and say "Yeah, I cant wait to play in that building that also used to be a mall and had its roof collapse 35 years ago".

When I think hockey, I always think, "where can I get a good pair of pants after the game". And possibly die of crush injuries. Yeah yeah they fixed the roof and the malls gone now but that's not the point!

Just to show how dumb and useless the people that work for this state are, when I called today to see why my food stamps were cancelled I was again on hold from 2:30-3:30. Then I was told to call another number to reset my online password to upload a letter I had to write and sign saying I did not make enough money through selling items on Ebay and being a Journalist to not qualify for food stamps as of the first of this year and date it. Yep, apparently that $6.52 a month really makes all the difference to the state of CT. If I could get $150 a month so I dont starve my fat ass to death. Apparently, for she who shall not be written about with her drug, mental health, bastard child problems, its no problem for her to sit on the couch stoned every month and get them, fuck maybe I'll just pop out a few kids so I can get more money like she did. Then I call the number to reset my password, and it told me to call the wrong number. Then the bitch on the phone at that number, who was incredibly rude, told me to call a different number. Yeah, so I call that number, I get some angry guy on the phone who keeps yelling he can't hear or understand me. Well yeah asshole you cant hear or understand me on the phone because of my disability. But you wont talk to my workers because the account is in my name, so what the fuck would you like me to do. So when I ever so nicely asked if I could talk to someone who wasnt mentally retarded on the phone, he put me on hold and then hung up. Ironically when I called back, the Indian guy who answered had no problem understanding me. Do you think my password reset worked then? Of course not! Luckily that office is open until 5, so I had to call again at 4:30 to reset it again. It finally worked, and I uploaded the letter I wrote, but of course by the time I did all this, it as after 5. So I'm going to have to call again tomorrow, to see if the letter properly uploaded online, and probably be on hold for another 60-90 minutes. Don't worry I also mailed a copy of the letter and made copies of it because it's the state and I'm sure they will lose it! All this just to get $152 a month in foodstamps. Yeah, other states may not have services, but if they are as hard to access and get to as Connecticuts, then what difference does it make. I'm going into the amatuer porn business. With all the random nude photos and vids I get from random bitches who feel sorry for my fat crippled ass, and once I start making money from it, I'm paying off my debts and getting the fuck out of here faster than a baby pops out of she who shall not be written about's vagina! Sadly, I wish I was kidding but I'm not. Donate to my gofundme if you don't feel like being a dick, at least this way I can live in my new wheelchair van in Florida!

 The Whaler's support my gofundme, I think I'm allowed to say that because they no longer are technically a team.

gofundme.com/robertsnewvan

IF you wanna know where I'm performing check older blog posts, not that anyone ever comes to see me anyways. 

People Herpes Never Die!

 First off, this is going to be short, sweet and too the fucking point, because I'm losing my voice for some reason. With my luck I'm getting sick. #crippleproblems And second, I've been doing lots of stupid shit on here besides writing this. And third, here comes tipsy! Not the family dog, it was me as a toddler runnin' with a sippy cup! None of you got that last sentence, but it's fine, you don't deserve too.

(*Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

Before I delete it off of my social media, here she is to wreck the day...I think she's stoned in this picture but it's okay because I look it too.

***DISCLAIMER*** THIS PHOTO IS ONE I HAVE TAKEN OFF MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AND THEREFORE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE IT IN MY POST. THIS IS NOT ALLEGED BITCHFACE, JUST SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THE ALLEGED BITCHAFCE CHARACTER I WRITE ABOUT.

Anyways, bitchface strikes again! Hopefully for the last time! Of course she told my mother she never received her final paycheck, which we all know is bullshit, and shouldn't even be sent to you since you made up these alleged hours you "worked", but that's besides the point because my mom is a lot nicer person than I am, and just wants you to GO THE FUCK AWAY. Oh yeah, and stop texting her, because YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE! Don't worry, she stopped payment on the first one so when you go to cash both, which I pray you do because your dumb ass will get arrested for check fraud, you wont be able to cash it. Sucks to suck bitchface, and you suck better than a straw! How many bitchfaces does it take to understand a restraining order?! Didn't they teach you about those in rehab or the psych ward... Apparently not. Or you missed that day in school...wait you never finished school. Typical New Britain trash, could you be anymore of a stereotype?! 22, unemployed puerto rican collecting social security along with both your parents, and foodstamps and welfare while your parents raise your bastard child"younger brother" because they are too religious to admit that you popped a baby out of your slut hole at 15. Too bad, you could've been on that MTV show, you're just as trashy as the rest of those bitches. Fuck, no wonder he is autistic, because you were on drugs the entire time you were pregnant. At least I figured out why you had to drop out of school. Fuck, I should be a police detective, I'm good at this shit.

Back to my original point, bitchface was too dumb too block one of my current workers(one of her former friends)...gee I wonder why they ain't friends anymore... on Facebook, right away, so guess what bitchface, she saw all your statuses about me. Since we're not supposed to be talking about each other on social media, or the internet. But whatever, I am too. So whatever you know where I live, maybe you can send more cops to my house at 4 am, I'm pretty sure I'm protected by the first amendment. Thank you college, something bitchface could only get into if it was Clown or Hamburger U! However, because of this it gave me the satisfaction of knowing that my statuses and blog posts, and pranks are doing a GREAT job at pissing you off! I haven't been that happy in years. Anything to make your life miserable. Also she claims that I'm delusional, psychotic, and so obsessed with her that I can't let it go because I'm madly in love with her. Bitch, you look like Ronald McDonald's daughter... I AM NOT in love with you, maybe when I was 5 and my fat ass had a thing for Ronald McDonald's daughter... but not now. Gimpy told me you were an easy slut, so I know if I threw some dollars at you, literal dollars, you would pretty much do whatever I wanted. And I fucking hate Gimpy too, but she was right! You think every guy that meets you in madly in love with you and brag how 40 guys a day message you on social media, but no that just means they think you're an easy whore, and I mean they are right. But trust me honey, they are not in love with you, they just wanna get their dicks wet. And I'm sure you've satisfied many customers. I mean, she doesn't do it for free. But they best part is, and I know this will burn you when you read it.... No non ghetto, non drug dealing trash is EVER going to want to take your ass home to mom... Fuck, the guy you dated for years was a coke head and he even got sick of your crazy cheating ass. If you can't keep Mr. White Lines, I don't think you're getting any self respecting man to put a ring on it or produce more children with you. Maybe some rich married guy will keep you as a side bitch, but that's the best you can hope for. Looks fade with age to be honest, so by the time your mama's age you'll be pullin' in fake welfare checks just like her... The apple don't fall too far from the tree! You'll probably have 5 kids with 5 different baby daddies, but at least you'll get a bigger welfare check that way! Always a smart plan, especially since that's what your parents encourage. Like Kanye says, "she have one of yo' kids, got you for 18 years". Here's a picture of Kanye making a Bitch face in honor of bitchface.

Before I really do get arrested, this will be my last blog post addressing the bitchface issue (allegedly). I love writing about her, and she is a comedic gift that keeps on giving. But... I ain't goin' to jail for NO bitch. So bitchface, I'll leave you with this: I honestly am not crazy, I'm not obsessed with you, I do not miss you working for me, and I was never madly in love with you, past or present tense. Did I use you to make the ex wife jealous? Absolutely I fucking did. So this is goodbye, I won't miss your crazy ass and I honestly hope you straighten your life out, and wish nothing but the best for you. Shocking I wrote that, I know, but I actually mean it. But I'm assuming you're always going to be the piece of shit you are. So good luck getting high, watching Sausage Party on endless re-runs while you pass out on the couch in your parents section 8 house, while all three of you collect welfare, until Trump deports your ass and takes those sweet welfare checks away! Plus the ex wife and the other traveling circus that works for me give me plenty of good stories to write about, so I don't need to write about you anymore. Adios Puta!


Finally remember awhile back when I wrote about the "original mom's" husband blowing me up with text messages on election day?To leave her alone and stay out of her life, even though she hadnt worked for me in 6 months? Oh and lets not forget the ex wife insists she doesnt even think about me anymore, I am an afterthought to her. Well that's funny guys, cause guess who poked me on Facebook the other day? ORIGINAL MOM!!! And here is the proof! Or in honor of the Oscars... do you like apples?! How do you like DEM APPLES! It's from an Oscar winning movie assholes!

I have nothing against her anymore, and I really dont care that she was stalking my facebook, but tell your husband and the ex wife, your new bestie, that I had NOTHING to do with this poking business. And I did not poke back for the record, nor will I ever. I don't know what you do for a living now, but do not ever become an undercover police officer, because you suck at it. Not everyone can figure out bitchface has a bastard child that they pretend is her little brother, okay one of my workers helped me with that theory, but I really think it's true and I'm taking the credit for it.

Come see me perform at Dangerfield's Comedy Club this Monday in NYC! Tickets are $15 at the door and I'm super proud to be performing there. If you don't know my other shows by now, check out my last blog post. So much for this being short.

(*Just to emphasize again... Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)