JoJo Part 2

 

So I was looking at old blog posts that I wrote... quite disturbing and hilarious. Ironically in one blog post from October 2016, I wrote about JoJo and Craig Carton, both of whom I will be writing about again almost a year later. Yeah I haven't written since my birthday, but that is because I was busy actually doing things that were making me money, but now that that's over with and I'm racking up massive debt again thanks to boats and hoes mostly hoes somewhat boats, I'm back to writing this for free.

 

First of all, there's JoJo. See, back about a year ago I wrote how one of my old workers who I called Awkward Turtle met her because she won some radio contest. I don't speak to or write about Awkward Turtle anymore mostly because most of her friends turned out to be crack heads who literally asked me to get them drugs, plus when she quit she recommended bitch face to work for me, and we all know how well that went... So yeah, that's why she's no longer a part of my life. Anyway,  I mean yeah I forgot about JoJo because you know, she disappeared for like 12 years from the music scene apparently to go to college and because she had problems with her record label. But I recently discovered JoJo's new music, thanks to Stoney Beroni sister of @TheRealKimmieBenson, but I realized she has embraced being and writing songs that make her sound like a trashy hoe, which of course I love her for. my two favorites are FAB which for those of you not cool enough to know it means Fake Ass Bitches... when they smile in your face but behind you it ain't well wishes... and they eat all the food off your plates and don't even do the dishes... no time for these fake ass bitches.... You can jump on the bandwagon, take all your money and your lame ass friends... go ahead and jump on that bandwagon you fake ass bitches!! Then there's a collaboration with Wiz Kahlifa  called Fuck Apologies.. I'd say sorry if I really meant it! The highlight of the music video would be JoJo swimming naked in a pool with some definite side boob action going on.... HOT! Oh JoJo you are my spirit animal. My next tattoo will definitely be FAB, I just have to figure out where?!? I also like Say Love, even though Stoney Beroni hates it...According to the song you don't even have to say JoJo is perfect or pretty just say love.. JoJo girl, I'll say it every time!Stoney Beroni has created a monster, and I don't know how to stop it... FAB! I started a social media campaign playing up my crippleness / dying in order to try and meet her. Dammit if only I hadn't done Make A Wish already!

 

Onto Craig Carton, who used to key word USED TO host the morning show on WFAN which was also broadcast on CBS Sports Network, with Boomer Esiason, and I used to watch repeats of in the afternoon when I finally woke my fat lazy ass up. That was until the middle of last week when he got arrested for a whole bunch of charges by the FBI. Shocked, nope, I'm not at all! Even though I always found his sarcastic dickness humorous. I always knew there was something scummy about him. Well I don't really know what he did wrong, however I know it's a preview of my future because he owed a bunch of bookies and casinos in the area tons of money. Something about him buying tickets at face value, and trying to sell them for a huge profit in order to pay all these debts back. I didn't know that was illegal because I do this all the time on StubHub. I don't know, maybe it was because he bought 80,000 dollars worth of Barbra Streisand, Katy Perry, and Adele tickets on a credit card with his name and sold them at a huge profit. Problem was, he didn't sell most of them, so he still owed lots of people lots of money, and the credit card he bought the tickets with was in his name. As I wrote in my last blog post about Justin Perrucci, if you're going to commit a crime, don't be so fucking stupid about it. Needless to say, Craig Carton was indefinitely suspended after his arrest last week, and this week when I watched the show, besides numerous guest hosts taking his spot on the show, any mention of him on the show or in the studio it is hosted in has quickly been removed. For all the shit he talked about Mike Francesa, announcing his retirement 2 years in advance from WFAN, and making fun of him on the show, and him leaving the network in December... The ultimate irony is he outlasted your ass by four month and ultimately gets the last laugh! Maybe he will have a joint cell with his buddies Ray Rice and I'm guessing in the future Chris Christie!

 

Finally, sort of speaking of football, and I know a million people have already talked about this, but did anyone catch the broadcast of the second Monday night football game on ESPN a couple days ago? Yes, on the first Monday night of the NFL regular season, for some reason ESPN and the NFL like to broadcast two Monday night football games. The first and regular Monday night broadcast team usually does the earlier game of the night, so I get the second later game broadcast crew won't be as good, just like Stoney Beroni's typing in this, especially since they're working only one NFL game during the season and it's on real late, so not as many people are watching. Holy crap though, this year's B-Team was exceptionally bad. First of all, yes I know I'm being a sexist asshole, but they had a woman doing the play by play commentary and as bad as it looked and sounded, she was the best part of the whole broadcast. They had former Jets and Bills head coach Rex Ryan doing a analysis and play breakdowns, and holy shit he was as bad at that as he was coaching. At one point I could literally hear him talking to the producers telling them he could draw on the screen of a replay of the previous play in the game to show people what happens during the play, which is great and all, but I'm not supposed to be able to hear him tell producers that while he is on the air. I mean I watched Hard Knocks, the year the Jets and him were on it, and considering since it was on HBO every other word out of his mouth was, "Fuck." I'm just impressed he got through a whole broadcast without saying it, or maybe he didn't. I don't truthfully know because it was so bad I had to turn it off for a while just to stop listening to the awful commentary. Then there was the sideline reporter. First of all his name was Sergio Dipp. I never heard of or saw him before, and I don't think I ever will again after this. He was so bad, and I mean SO BAD, that at first I thought he was some high school kid that won a contest or some autistic guy doing his Make A Wish. I only saw him at the beginning of the game because he was so bad I don't know if they ever went back to him, but during that minute I saw him, he yelled, paused, and um-ed and ahh-ed his way through such an awkward opening that Stoney Beroni could have wrote a better one on a teleprompter live, and it would have sounded better. I'll see if I could find the video to it on YouTube and post it on here.

Also don't call it a come back I have been here for years... okay... a year, but after a six week break, I'm rolling the rust off of my wheels and doing the Hartford Funny Bone open mic on Tuesday. See the problem is most comedy shows around this area require you to bring 4 or 5 people at $10-20 a ticket just to get 5 minutes of stage time after you usually drive anywhere from 45-60 minutes just to get to the fucking place. So yeah, due to those lovely rules, I took a break for a while and now I'm mainly going to be focusing on comedy shows that are open mics or don't have bringer requirements because I am tired of giving money to Pat Oates and Ryan Brauth's kid's college funds. Fuck that, I'm only making money in comedy for myself from now on. Oh, plus the place I did a lot of shows in in New Haven got a bunch of water damage and might never re-open. And for some reason most of the open mics in CT or shows that don't require you to bring people are in places like Groton, New London, and Manchester, which are at least 45 to an hour away from where I live.Oh yeah, hopefully this time around, comedy is a bit easier though... I'll keep you posted and until next time, if you keep reading this I don't think you like me, I just think you like the chase but you know it's just a little too late!

I'm Feeling 32

 

So yeah it was just recently my birthday, so I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 32… Take that doctors who said I wouldn’t live till 3. This is a fucked up joke, but I haven’t done any comedy shows lately so I’ll try it out on here. Sometimes I secretly wonder when somebody I grew up with passes away and other people see me still posting on social media if they are surprised I’m still alive and kicking. I mean I get it, I’m kind of an asshole and a dick, and I hate probably 98% of the people I have encountered in my life. But whatever, I’m still rolling so I guess I’m here for a reason.  But despite hiring what I thought would be better people to work for me… yeah it just seems to be getting worse! 

 

Hire the fat unattractive girl they said, she will be a good worker because she has a kid and is more responsible they said. Well, in the words of Paul Hayman, “OH NO NO NO.” Not only did she show up to work only when she felt like it, but she was a pathological liar and stole $350 from me. Unfortunately, I did not realize this until I recently went to purchase something and more money was missing than I realized. However, it gets better because not only can the cop who came here not arrest her for anything because they technically paid me the $150 I thought they only had originally stole, but he can’t even get a hold of the fat bitch or her mom. To try and get my money back by seeing if they have a soul, but considering they stole money from a cripple, I would say probably not going to happen. They told me I could sue them in small claims court, but after the bullshit I went through with Vinny Beedle and the $100 it costs just to file a claim; it’s not even worth it. So guess who gets it up the ass again… This Cripple!!

Speaking of fat delusional idiots... yes I’m referring to Vinny Beedle, the night  before my birthday, I found two more people who think they can lie, cheat, and steal their way through life because they’re too cracked out and lazy  to make an honest living.  Yeah Vinny you fat piece of shit go ahead and sue me for slandering the character you don’t have! I blocked you on social media because I got tired of you asking me to do your crappy shows in NYC at noon, the day of when the show was at 5, and you wanted me to bring 5 people to pay $20 a ticket. Also suing for libel and slander it’s something famous people do when news outlets purposely report false information about them. Despite what your mom thinks and what your dad told you before he went to buy cigarettes and never came back home, you’re not famous, you never will be famous, and you’re about as funny as somebody sharting in their pants! 

 

This leads me to Saturday night when I received this text message from a former worker. 

Yes, I could be an asshole and say and write a lot of mean things to the people that work for me. But this was so out of nowhere that at first I thought she was fucking with me because it was almost my birthday. I mean this bitch had a Britney meltdown like 2008… I was half waiting for her to come here with a shaved head and an umbrella to attack my minivan. I was going to film it and sell it to stringer. Seriously this bitch needed to be strapped down and taken away in an ambulance for “exhaustion” like Britney was. Hire this one they said, “You were friends with her husband growing up.” They said. She’s unattractive and a mom of 4… “She’s responsible, “they said… But in the words of Paul Hayman, “OH NO NO NO.” So here’s the story since I know they’re talking shit about me on social media anyways. Keep in mind this story was told to me by the crazy bitch herself. A couple weeks ago when she was supposedly in the bathroom and her husband was supposedly watching videos on YouTube… AKA she was taking a leak because she drank  too much (seriously she reeks like booze half the time she was here and texted me twice accidentally instead of her husband to ask what I wanted from the package store) and her husband was probably whacking it to porn on the computer. Their 2 year old child got out of the house and was playing in the middle of the road that they live on which is a busy street in my town. After two cars almost hit him, they called 911 and the police came pounding on the door to ask why they weren’t aware that their two year old was playing in the middle of the road? Why did neither one of them nor their other three children notice this went on for several minutes, I don’t know. I thank god everyday that I’m not a parent, and I know it is difficult raising kids but how the fuck did that happen? Now because their shitty, irresponsible parents, and they were saying fucked up shit to me in a group text with all of my other workers to prove it, yes I said the following, yes I’m a dick and an asshole, but no I’m not denying it… I said too bad your kid didn’t get hit by those cars! Why? Because maybe it would have taught them to stop being shitty, selfish, alcoholic parents, and teach them how-to take better care of their children. I mean it cut deep because the husband started Facebook messaging me saying he was going to come over and the wife was still texting my other workers up to three hours later saying ,”How could you work for him and support him, he’s so mean?!” 

 

Looking back on it after 24 hours, I think it was just an elaborate setup. Justin Perrucci is the same piece of shit I grew up with 20 years ago, and this is what I get for giving him and his crazy bitch of a wife a second chance. You see, they both are recovering addicts with long criminal histories. Here is his mug shot and a link to the article where he got arrested for breaking and entering.  

 here is the article

 He was so stupid that the guy’s apartment he was trying to break into was home at the time… And this is why I didn’t talk to or attempt to make friends with everybody I grew up with and this is why I didn’t talk to you after your loser ass got sent to live with your grandparents in another town. Christ, even the stoner / Goth kids he used to hang out with have mostly changed their life for the better. The only reason why I can’t find Jen’s mug shot and the rest of her arrest record is because I don’t know her first husbands last name or her maiden name. Of course white trash like that has been married multiple times with multiple fathers of her children. She also posts nice things like this supporting Nazis on Twitter. 

 

Jennifer Perrucci‏ @Jenerrucci22 Jun 27

Replying to @jack6162002 @FoxNews @SarahHuckabee

But I would consider a Nazi less open-minded and evil, yet it's still education. Throwing around the word "educated" means nothing.

Also that twitter picture has got to be at least 5 years old because sweetheart you don’t look anything like that anymore. But yeah, Justin got fired from his job for crashing the car all because he was probably drunk and having Lyme disease allegedly. Jesus these people have more excuses then the ex wife does to go to the doctor. But yeah basically they are threatening to have me arrested because I threatened their four children. Let’s get it straight, I said, “Too bad the one didn’t get hit by those cars because it might have taught you a lesson!” And even though the Cheshire Police had no record of them contacting the Cheshire police and the cop told me I can’t be arrested unless I said I was going to go to their house and hurt or kill someone.

This leads me to my second theory of them supposedly contacting their lawyer because of what I said. I think he just wanted his wife to work for me for a while, come up with a bullshit reason to quit and then try to sue me for some easy money. Here’s the problem with that you stupid stupid stupid pieces of white trash, yes I live in Cheshire. Yes my mom makes a decent amount of money to pay people for 24/7 care... BUT I have a huge gambling problem which left me with $20,000 in debt and I have little money and 0 assets in my name purposely so I can get social security benefits, state insurance, and hours to pay my workers during the day through the state. Even if something happens to my mom, my funds and assets go into a trust fund run by my sister, so I can keep my benefits. You see that’s what happens when my accountant mother and I know how to watch out for white trash, crack head scammers, like you two! But hey, supposedly they were getting a divorce before I publicly reunited them with their hatred of me. I think I thought of a new reality show… The Cripple White Trash Marriage Counselor, and with the thought of that I leave you with this… Don’t let yourself rot and decay. Get yourself tested for AIDS so you don’t go away!

Leg Rot

I have not posted on here in more than 3 weeks. Did you miss me? I know I missed me...you see I was fat and depressed after my cat died and writing about that and funny stories about my dad made me feel Hannah Baker-ish. So, I took a break from here for awhile. Plus after 100 posts, it was hard to think of what to write about and where to go from here. That was until my legs started rotting off and two of my current workers and a former worker reminded me of why I hate people so much last weekend. My legs rotting off is a gross graphic story that I am not really going to share on here. So, instead I am going to write about the three things that happened over the past weekend that helped me remember why I am the sarcastic asshole that I am.

You see, it started on Friday. Stoney Moroni decided to peace out on me and go to Florida for two weeks. Therefore, about a month ago one of my newer workers said she would work her Wednesday and Thursday overnight shifts. Also, in order not to ruin one person’s weekend every weekend, I have all of my workers sign up for various weekend overnight shifts every month. So, yes, she worked a lot last week between taking my friend and I to Summerslam two Sundays ago and then signing up for Wednesday through Saturday overnight shifts. However, I secretly texted some of my other workers because I had a feeling there was a better chance of me winning the WWE Universal Title from Brock Lesnar then of her showing up four nights in a row. Sure enough, she did not let me down. Yes, I get I stay up way too late, especially if you have four kids to take care of during the day. But, you chose to sign up for four overnights in a row and were literally talking to me on Thursday night about how you wanted more hours for reasons I am actually too nice to write about on here. So, yeah, at the end of the week before and the beginning of last week I reminded her that she was coming four nights in a row and that Friday night would be a double shift, which she said was fine. However, I knew there was a problem when I texted her at noon on Friday to say, “I’ll see you at 5”! Of course, she responded at 4:40 to say that she just woke up and there was no way she could make it in until 9pm. Luckily, the girl that was here stayed an extra hour until 6. Then, of course, the new girl struck again and texted me sometime after that and before 8:30pm to say she was now not coming at all because she was dizzy and nauseous. Of course, I texted everyone who currently works for me and the only response I got was from Grandma to say she was drunk. In other breaking news, the sky is blue and the grass is green and everyone else that works for me is a lazy piece of shit that are too busy taking selfies and scratching their butts to text me back about work related issues…my personal favorite is when they say they never got the message…that’s funny because everyone else did. So, yes, for sixteen hours from 6pm on Friday until 10am on Saturday morning, my mom was stuck helping me, but luckily we didn’t kill each other. Oh, it got better!

Next, was Saturday morning, when the ex wife came waddling in at 10am. She proceeded to play on her phone and watch Project Runway with my mom until I finally got my lazy fat ass up at 12:30pm. Partially to avoid her and partially because I am a lazy piece of shit. Literally, the first thing she said to me was that she had to leave at 3 even though she was scheduled to work until 5 and was aware that nobody had been there for sixteen hours prior to that. The ex wife calling out of trying to leave a shift early is like reporting breaking news that the sky is blue and the grass is green…see a pattern here? Also, I called bullshit and so did my mom. Your retarded autistic boyfriend’s birthday was the night before, so you were probably nursing a serious hangover or wanted to leave early to go out that night. Second, you spend more time at doctors than I do and I am in a wheelchair. So, the fact that you sent me a picture of a prescription does not prove shit to me. Third, you had all day Friday off and you had been bitching about your ear hurting since Wednesday…why couldn’t you go to a doctor anytime during those three days? Fourth, the walk-in clinic even on Saturdays opens at 9 and you don’t come to work until 10, and I usually sleep until noon. So, why couldn’t you just go before you came to work that day and then stayed until 5 like normal? Oh, I know why, because you are a fucking asshole and we had been getting along too well lately, so you had to do something to fuck it all up! You know it’s bad when even my mom screams at her to just leave, rather than deal with her selfish hypochondriac lying ass. And the topper is, she expected to get paid for those 2.5 hours of sitting on her ass on her phone and watching Project Runway. Yeah, good luck with that complaint you are filing. It also really proves you care about me, like you always claim to. Why couldn’t my mom just punch her in the face just once?! It would have made me so happy and why can’t someone like her have her legs rot off and get blisters on her ass? Anyway moving on to Sunday night!

 

That is when the best part happened. So, remember when I previously wrote how the pathological liar used to work for me stole $150 in airline credits from me…yeah, it was a lot more than that. It was actually $338 in airline credits and she had to hack into my email to do it, which is illegal on so many levels. Last night, I was bored and went to book a flight to Chicago for me and one worker using the 2/3 of the airline credits I thought I still had left…but, in the words of Paul Heyman, “Oh, no no no!” You see because the fat bitch didn’t just steal $150 from me, nah she had to pay for her whole flight with my money and take $338 out of the $480 I had. Yeah, not cool and no chance in hell I am letting you get away with that, especially when you were dumb enough to let the airline email your itinerary to me with proof that you payed for your flight with my airline credits. That’s called FRAUD and HACKING and I am pretty sure LARCENY. Now, I am way smarter than her pathological lying ass. Before I called the cops I printed out the email with the airline credits in MY name, MY credit card bill from when I originally bought them, the email with her itinerary proving she paid with MY credits, her name, her mom’s name, and my Facebook convo with her mom where she admitted her daughter had stolen from me and she was going to pay me back. Of course, she said she is supposedly in Florida undergoing psychiatric treatment. Holy fuck do you need it! However, the cop basically said if her or her parents don’t pay me the rest of $188 that they still owe me, then when she returns to Connecticut, she will be arrested for stealing from me. I mean, I’m not surprised, she already had a criminal background and so did her ex ? husband. Yeah, this is the one that said he was in the Army, while she was working for me, when he was really in jail for beating her ass. She also did classy things like said she couldn’t come to work because her mom tried to kill herself and basically would have left me to fend for myself one night when my entire family was in South Carolina because she just couldn’t show up for her overnight shift. So, yeah, in case you can’t get it…she lies and lies and lies…and the scariest part is, I think she believes them. So, here is her beautiful mugshot and maybe there will be another one coming soon! I’ll keep my wheels crossed. Until then, if you can’t handle my sparkle, stay the hell off my rainbow!