I am pretty sure if there is such thing as past lives, I must have been Hitler or someone as equally as terrible. Just warning everyone now this is going to be a hard read but I need to get this all out after 30 years. Yea, I know things could be worse because if i was born in China I would have been left to die on a street corner or if I had been born in Africa I would have been thrown off a cliff or fed to lions by now, but sometimes I feel like my life really fucking sucks.
Lets see, I was the first person in my entire family born with Muscular Dystrophy. Look up the odds on that one. Ive won the fucking genetic lottery!!!. For the first few years of my life I was subjected to basically medical torture, why I am not sure...But maybe that is why I am so mentally fucked up today. Swear to God was one of my first memories is being on a stage with a Dr talking about me while a bunch of other Dr's stared at me. People wonder why I have social anxiety. Umm I don't know maybe because I was a human guinea pig since I was a toddler. Before anyone gets mad I don't blame my family for this they were doing what they thought was best for me. In 1986 they thought I would be dead by 1990 who the fuck would have thought I'd still be here. Honestly there are plenty of days where I don't want to be.
My first day of kindergarten I was followed around by reporters all day, because you know I guess cripple starts school was major news in 1990. It didn't make me feel like I stuck out anymore then I already did. Just kidding. On top of that I had to wear a back brace from the age of 4-13 and when I had it on I felt like I couldn't breathe and would sweat to death and when it was off I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Between this the wheelchair, giant glasses and braces... yea.. I had trouble fitting in and as I got older I had less and less friends to hangout with. Luckily, I had back surgery in 1999 so I don't need the back brace anymore and sit up straighter. However, 9 Months after the surgery I had complications and stopped breathing in the hospital. I don't remember 3 days of my life, spent a week in the ICU and 3 of the next 4 weeks in the hospital. Did this get me any more friends? No, It just made me stand out even more. In high school I had 2-3 friends tops only 1 of whom I ever hung out with outside of school. My high school days consisted of me trying to figure out how to not go to lunch so I didn't have to sit by myself, avoid group projects cause no one wanted to work with the cripple kid and leave school as fast as possible so nobody would see I had no life. I don't blame the people I grew up with I never talked I always looked miserable and I was always around adults because I needed help. But sometimes I really wish I had tried harder to be more social.
The one friend I hung out with outside of school stuck with me no matter what since the age of 8. Don't know why she put up with me, I was mean, angry and sarcastic to her because I was so mad at everyone else. Because she put up with me for so long I kind of always thought we would end up together. I never had the guts to tell her back then how I felt because I had no Self-Esteem and didn't want to be rejected by basically my only friend. It really sucks now though because I hardly ever see her since she got engaged.
To top it all off in a course of about 18 months, I lost my Father,Grandfather and Cousin, Hell, even my favorite cat Reyes died in that time. before all that I had lost people I had known but never so many people that were so close to me at one time. It made me grow up because I went from relying on my parents for everything to having to take care of myself and train/supervise my assistants 24-7. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because I know that they all mean well, but some days it is really annoying to be around people who keep making stupid accidental mistakes. I feel like I always have to be happy and joking with everyone otherwise it is.. "Oh you're so mean", Your a jerk/assshole! and then if they screw anything up bad enough to the point my mom notices it is somehow my fault. I can't move my arms or go in the basement of my house, How the fuck am I supposed to know that the basement light was left on or that the cat shit/puked on the floor if they don't tell me. Honestly, I didn't feel like I would out live anyone in my family but especially my dad. I know my Mom and sister wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to me but God damn it is hard to get out of bed and deal with things some days. That is why I went to the Casino and strip club and blew so much money because it distracted me from life for awhile. Lets face it I am never going to work at ESPN or be a reporter covering the Mets Or Giants like I dreamed of as a kid. The best I am doing now is writing for a new newspaper in New Britain, which I pray isn't out of business in 6 months and can't even guarantee me that they will ever be able to pay me. I am so glad I wasted 3 years of my life and a ton of my moms money for that Masters Degree in Journalism.
Then there is the people that work for me. It is obvious that I get closer with some of them then others because they are around me so much. But it sucks when you think you are close to someone and once they stop helping you, You never see or hear from them again. These are the only people I hangout with, but most of the time I feel like I am paying to have friends. Yea I go lots of places with them and do lots of things but I often wonder If they would go with me if I wasn't paying them? The answer is usually no because very few of them hangout with me outside of when they are working. I can give numerous examples of times i tried to have them all over or meet up somewhere and few if any of them show up. It is just depressing and sad so I won't give examples, but yea this is why I can be really angry, mean, and unpleasant to be around. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me reading this I just wrote it to feel better. Maybe someday I will find the right person to help me with that.
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