Target

Today I had the great idea of going to Target with Gimpy McButtface. I tried to tell her it would be a bigger disaster then the Titanic but she would not listen to me, no woman ever does. The reason why I knew this was a bad idea we are both cripples and Gimpy decided she was going to hot dog it without her crutches. That is what you get for being a show off! First of all, we had to drive around the God damn store so much my arm started crapping out. I am 30 my body is falling apart here people I am living in cripple years! Plus she was there to buy baby clothes and wanted my opinion on them, what the fuck do I know about baby clothes. Plus I told her to use one of those morbidity obese people's scooters but she had to hot dog it. By the end I can barely drive and she could barely walk. Then when we were leaving it just got worse. First, my head fell down going through the first exit door but gimpy was carrying all the bags and didnt notice. Next she picked up my head after what felt like an eternity, only to hit another bump and fall right back down while my arm also fell off the controller. Yep, I was blocking the exit to Target, while gimpy was readjusting my arm of course two fat Hispanic ladies were screaming at us in Spanish because they were trapped behind us. Oh they were also yelling at their children for laughing at the cripple parade. Fuck I would have laughed if I saw that shit too. Plus, we might have been dressed like we were homeless. You know grey hoodie sweatpants and slippers for gimpy and black sweatpants and slippers for myself along with my classy old man Jets shirt. For the grand finally someone parked too close to the van so gimpy had to hobble over to the drivers seat and move the van. Which probably took about 10 mins. meanwhile my arm crapped out halfway up the lift so it probably took us about a half hour to get out of the damn parking lot well at least that is what it felt like. Also, I am eating chocolate chip waffles, turkey sausage because I am healthy like that, and poptarts. Or as I call it white trash dinner-breakfast.

Oh and my cat Flappy is being a total D-bag right now, so he is locked in the basement and needy ass Miley is trying to claw the door  open what the fuck you guys dont even like each other. So far Flappy in the hour I have been home went into Gimpy's purse and pulled out tissues and proceeded to eat them. Seriously, my cat eats tissues, banana skins, pineapple core, but he wont eat chicken. He also decided he needed to explore my bag of WWE action figures and cards. I am just impressed he didnt eat those too. Gimpy tried to use the rolling computer chair to stop him but by the time she wheeled her sorry ass over there in the words of the famous Justin Timberlake Woah the damage is done so I guess I will be leaving. Flappy, I am sending your picture on instagram to cat shaming!