People are annoying. Like really fucking annoying. I like to keep things 100 % truthful on here so I will try my best without pissing off too many people. I just can't stand what hypocrites people are. I'm going to be up all night pissed off for stupid people doing stupid shit. And it shouldn't bother me but it will. First, I thought I was all good with someone and then it turns out they still have sand in their man-gina. If you're really that upset with me then just tell me to my face. Don't come over here 2 days before you go on vacation and act like everything is cool. Then when you get back you ignore all my texts and are still clearly mad about something that happened a month ago but can't face me to talk about it. However, I'm sure you will still stalk me; and want all the latest gossip from stalking me on social media. That's fine, if your life is that boring that all you have to look forward to is checking out the adventures of my life. I'm sorry I couldn't fit into your Messiah complex. And didn't worship you enough to kiss your ass and have you stick around to help me. But hey at least you did, some people pretend their all about wanting to help me but either they really don't show up, complain the whole time they're here or pretend they want me to hire them and then never show up to start.
It's really fucking annoying when people don't show up. I hate hiring new people as it is, but if I actually do want to hire you consider it a miracle. I'm picky about who I hire cause ya know I'm stuck by myself with them for 20-30 hours a week, and if I think they are annoying that sucks for me. Plus, it's started all over again you literally have to talk them through every little task that I need them to do. Yeah, I know I'm difficult, and I know I'm a dick to work for but I try to be as nice and helpful as possible to those that do because I know they deal with a lot of shit from me. But lately I feel like I am losing workers faster than the Titanic lost passengers. Big Boobs MeGee comes to work whenever she feels like it and then wonders why I tell her I'm all set. Maybe because I'm so used to you not being here that I always have your shifts covered. Then there is the student OT that comes about 12 hours a week and if is ever more than that I feel like I won the Powerball because that is the odds of her working extra. Gimpy does work a lot despite complaining about it, but can only be here at certain times right now, because of her surgery. The Mom practically lives with me so I feel bad for her husband and son. She's like the only one who ever really wants to work. So of course I am going to have her here a lot, awkward turtle works a lot for me too but ya know I'm a jerk there is only so much staring and awkwardness I can take before she drives me insane. Plus, she's graduating soon so I don't think she will be helping me much longer. So yeah I'm losing all these people and not really finding anyone good to replace them, or if they are good they either don't show up or aren't really available enough to help me.
Plus, I am pretty sure the Wife might have quit for good tonight. Does that make her the Ex Wife? Are we going to have to share custody of Flappy and Miley? I guess she can have them every other weekend. No child Support. I'm too poor for that. It just sucks because I actually did love her and care about her even though we drove each other insane. You know it's bad when my fat ass doesn't feel like eating dinner because it bothers me so much. I even took a nap for a while today, and I never do that mostly because I stay up til 2 am and sleep til noon. She was the first girl I truly loved. So right now it feels like I got kicked in the gut by Bruce Lee. And can barely breathe, which might be true anyways because my lungs suck. But it's still sucks this happened right before Easter so I have to go see my Mom's family tomorrow and pretend I'm happy when I'm not. I know I will get over it eventually it just doesn't feel like it right now.
The adventures of a 30 year old cripple guy.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
My sister is a turd
I am pretty sure if there is such thing as past lives, I must have been Hitler or someone as equally as terrible. Just warning everyone now this is going to be a hard read but I need to get this all out after 30 years. Yea, I know things could be worse because if i was born in China I would have been left to die on a street corner or if I had been born in Africa I would have been thrown off a cliff or fed to lions by now, but sometimes I feel like my life really fucking sucks.
Lets see, I was the first person in my entire family born with Muscular Dystrophy. Look up the odds on that one. Ive won the fucking genetic lottery!!!. For the first few years of my life I was subjected to basically medical torture, why I am not sure...But maybe that is why I am so mentally fucked up today. Swear to God was one of my first memories is being on a stage with a Dr talking about me while a bunch of other Dr's stared at me. People wonder why I have social anxiety. Umm I don't know maybe because I was a human guinea pig since I was a toddler. Before anyone gets mad I don't blame my family for this they were doing what they thought was best for me. In 1986 they thought I would be dead by 1990 who the fuck would have thought I'd still be here. Honestly there are plenty of days where I don't want to be.
My first day of kindergarten I was followed around by reporters all day, because you know I guess cripple starts school was major news in 1990. It didn't make me feel like I stuck out anymore then I already did. Just kidding. On top of that I had to wear a back brace from the age of 4-13 and when I had it on I felt like I couldn't breathe and would sweat to death and when it was off I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Between this the wheelchair, giant glasses and braces... yea.. I had trouble fitting in and as I got older I had less and less friends to hangout with. Luckily, I had back surgery in 1999 so I don't need the back brace anymore and sit up straighter. However, 9 Months after the surgery I had complications and stopped breathing in the hospital. I don't remember 3 days of my life, spent a week in the ICU and 3 of the next 4 weeks in the hospital. Did this get me any more friends? No, It just made me stand out even more. In high school I had 2-3 friends tops only 1 of whom I ever hung out with outside of school. My high school days consisted of me trying to figure out how to not go to lunch so I didn't have to sit by myself, avoid group projects cause no one wanted to work with the cripple kid and leave school as fast as possible so nobody would see I had no life. I don't blame the people I grew up with I never talked I always looked miserable and I was always around adults because I needed help. But sometimes I really wish I had tried harder to be more social.
The one friend I hung out with outside of school stuck with me no matter what since the age of 8. Don't know why she put up with me, I was mean, angry and sarcastic to her because I was so mad at everyone else. Because she put up with me for so long I kind of always thought we would end up together. I never had the guts to tell her back then how I felt because I had no Self-Esteem and didn't want to be rejected by basically my only friend. It really sucks now though because I hardly ever see her since she got engaged.
To top it all off in a course of about 18 months, I lost my Father,Grandfather and Cousin, Hell, even my favorite cat Reyes died in that time. before all that I had lost people I had known but never so many people that were so close to me at one time. It made me grow up because I went from relying on my parents for everything to having to take care of myself and train/supervise my assistants 24-7. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because I know that they all mean well, but some days it is really annoying to be around people who keep making stupid accidental mistakes. I feel like I always have to be happy and joking with everyone otherwise it is.. "Oh you're so mean", Your a jerk/assshole! and then if they screw anything up bad enough to the point my mom notices it is somehow my fault. I can't move my arms or go in the basement of my house, How the fuck am I supposed to know that the basement light was left on or that the cat shit/puked on the floor if they don't tell me. Honestly, I didn't feel like I would out live anyone in my family but especially my dad. I know my Mom and sister wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to me but God damn it is hard to get out of bed and deal with things some days. That is why I went to the Casino and strip club and blew so much money because it distracted me from life for awhile. Lets face it I am never going to work at ESPN or be a reporter covering the Mets Or Giants like I dreamed of as a kid. The best I am doing now is writing for a new newspaper in New Britain, which I pray isn't out of business in 6 months and can't even guarantee me that they will ever be able to pay me. I am so glad I wasted 3 years of my life and a ton of my moms money for that Masters Degree in Journalism.
Then there is the people that work for me. It is obvious that I get closer with some of them then others because they are around me so much. But it sucks when you think you are close to someone and once they stop helping you, You never see or hear from them again. These are the only people I hangout with, but most of the time I feel like I am paying to have friends. Yea I go lots of places with them and do lots of things but I often wonder If they would go with me if I wasn't paying them? The answer is usually no because very few of them hangout with me outside of when they are working. I can give numerous examples of times i tried to have them all over or meet up somewhere and few if any of them show up. It is just depressing and sad so I won't give examples, but yea this is why I can be really angry, mean, and unpleasant to be around. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me reading this I just wrote it to feel better. Maybe someday I will find the right person to help me with that.
Lets see, I was the first person in my entire family born with Muscular Dystrophy. Look up the odds on that one. Ive won the fucking genetic lottery!!!. For the first few years of my life I was subjected to basically medical torture, why I am not sure...But maybe that is why I am so mentally fucked up today. Swear to God was one of my first memories is being on a stage with a Dr talking about me while a bunch of other Dr's stared at me. People wonder why I have social anxiety. Umm I don't know maybe because I was a human guinea pig since I was a toddler. Before anyone gets mad I don't blame my family for this they were doing what they thought was best for me. In 1986 they thought I would be dead by 1990 who the fuck would have thought I'd still be here. Honestly there are plenty of days where I don't want to be.
My first day of kindergarten I was followed around by reporters all day, because you know I guess cripple starts school was major news in 1990. It didn't make me feel like I stuck out anymore then I already did. Just kidding. On top of that I had to wear a back brace from the age of 4-13 and when I had it on I felt like I couldn't breathe and would sweat to death and when it was off I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Between this the wheelchair, giant glasses and braces... yea.. I had trouble fitting in and as I got older I had less and less friends to hangout with. Luckily, I had back surgery in 1999 so I don't need the back brace anymore and sit up straighter. However, 9 Months after the surgery I had complications and stopped breathing in the hospital. I don't remember 3 days of my life, spent a week in the ICU and 3 of the next 4 weeks in the hospital. Did this get me any more friends? No, It just made me stand out even more. In high school I had 2-3 friends tops only 1 of whom I ever hung out with outside of school. My high school days consisted of me trying to figure out how to not go to lunch so I didn't have to sit by myself, avoid group projects cause no one wanted to work with the cripple kid and leave school as fast as possible so nobody would see I had no life. I don't blame the people I grew up with I never talked I always looked miserable and I was always around adults because I needed help. But sometimes I really wish I had tried harder to be more social.
The one friend I hung out with outside of school stuck with me no matter what since the age of 8. Don't know why she put up with me, I was mean, angry and sarcastic to her because I was so mad at everyone else. Because she put up with me for so long I kind of always thought we would end up together. I never had the guts to tell her back then how I felt because I had no Self-Esteem and didn't want to be rejected by basically my only friend. It really sucks now though because I hardly ever see her since she got engaged.
To top it all off in a course of about 18 months, I lost my Father,Grandfather and Cousin, Hell, even my favorite cat Reyes died in that time. before all that I had lost people I had known but never so many people that were so close to me at one time. It made me grow up because I went from relying on my parents for everything to having to take care of myself and train/supervise my assistants 24-7. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because I know that they all mean well, but some days it is really annoying to be around people who keep making stupid accidental mistakes. I feel like I always have to be happy and joking with everyone otherwise it is.. "Oh you're so mean", Your a jerk/assshole! and then if they screw anything up bad enough to the point my mom notices it is somehow my fault. I can't move my arms or go in the basement of my house, How the fuck am I supposed to know that the basement light was left on or that the cat shit/puked on the floor if they don't tell me. Honestly, I didn't feel like I would out live anyone in my family but especially my dad. I know my Mom and sister wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to me but God damn it is hard to get out of bed and deal with things some days. That is why I went to the Casino and strip club and blew so much money because it distracted me from life for awhile. Lets face it I am never going to work at ESPN or be a reporter covering the Mets Or Giants like I dreamed of as a kid. The best I am doing now is writing for a new newspaper in New Britain, which I pray isn't out of business in 6 months and can't even guarantee me that they will ever be able to pay me. I am so glad I wasted 3 years of my life and a ton of my moms money for that Masters Degree in Journalism.
Then there is the people that work for me. It is obvious that I get closer with some of them then others because they are around me so much. But it sucks when you think you are close to someone and once they stop helping you, You never see or hear from them again. These are the only people I hangout with, but most of the time I feel like I am paying to have friends. Yea I go lots of places with them and do lots of things but I often wonder If they would go with me if I wasn't paying them? The answer is usually no because very few of them hangout with me outside of when they are working. I can give numerous examples of times i tried to have them all over or meet up somewhere and few if any of them show up. It is just depressing and sad so I won't give examples, but yea this is why I can be really angry, mean, and unpleasant to be around. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me reading this I just wrote it to feel better. Maybe someday I will find the right person to help me with that.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Future
Yeah so I am really scared for the future of our society. Especially when most of these people that work for me are going to work/ already work in the medical field. Perfect example one of my former workers never knew when Thanksgiving was, always picked her nose and didn't wash her hands after she used the bathroom. This girl now works as a nurse in a nursing home...poor old people. Even scarier, she is having a baby soon. Dear God, please wash your hands after you pick your nose and take a crap...so your baby doesn't get MRSA.
Than there is the new girl who also works at a nursing home, but can't figure out how to make a blender work. I legit sat there for 10 minutes last night trying to explain how to do it, but she insisted it wasn't working so I said fuck it and used the old one I saved from the garbage and hid from my mom. Of course, what happened this morning the blender worked perfectly fine. So being the dick I am I sent her a video to show her how it worked.
Yes, the wife is the one who figured out how it worked. Let's just say in our fucked up relationship she is the beauty and I am the smart one. Love that girl to death but today she dropped a bottle of shampoo on my foot, left a bar of soap sitting on the floor of my shower and dropped the blender top on the kitchen floor to break it even more than it already was thanks to numerous droppings by several workers. And than there is the shower. Whoever has the unfortunate duty of giving me a shower the day before never seems to remember to throw the wash cloth in the hamper after i'm done. Said wash cloth than sits in shower for about 24 hours with water, body wash and soap residue ..yum! The main 3 girls who do this, one wants to be an occupational therapist, one is a mom and the last one wants to work with the mentally disabled. Dear god I hope they do a better job picking up at their permanent job/ their own house than they do here. Also, garbage is rarely taken out, dishes are always left over flowing next to the sink, food stains are all over the counter tops and blender and the sink in the kitchen generally looks like someone threw up in it. Why is this you ask? Because 75% of the people who work for me won't clean anything, restock anything or pick up anything unless I ask. Also, even though they lay out my medication every week most of them won't tell me when I am about out of one of my pills until I go to take it and it's no longer there. I than ask them to refill it and 90% of the time the answer I get is how. Jesus H Christ! Or another good example 2 of the girls last week asked me what to do because I didn't have any of my cups cleaned to drink out of. Um here is an easy idea see how they are all stacked in the dish rack next to the sink. Take them out of the dish rack, put them in the dish washer, grab detergent from under the sink and press start. I can't move my arms and even I know how to do this. But instead, the first girl just hand washed one cup and purposely never filled/ started the dish washer. So I had to have the second girl who was confused by dirty cups run the dish washer. My mom was so shocked that someone did this she asked who it was when she got home from work. My final bitching moment comes from last night when I made a frozen pizza for dinner and asked the girl working to chop the whole thing up in the blender and give me half and safe the other half for today. Sure enough what was waiting for me for lunch today? Unchopped half a pizza. You would be an angry prick to if you had to deal with this all the time. \
Oh yeah donate to my kickstarter, $990 to go by April 20th..donations of $5 or more get a free big mac and donations of $25 or more get a free shirt from my funny t-shirt business. No risk involved because if I don't hit my goal you get your money back and after writing all this I don't think anyone who works for me will be donating. Except for a 12 year old creepy candian who is jealous of how cool I am but might be the only non MR person working for me.
Kickstarter link is right here:
Than there is the new girl who also works at a nursing home, but can't figure out how to make a blender work. I legit sat there for 10 minutes last night trying to explain how to do it, but she insisted it wasn't working so I said fuck it and used the old one I saved from the garbage and hid from my mom. Of course, what happened this morning the blender worked perfectly fine. So being the dick I am I sent her a video to show her how it worked.
Yes, the wife is the one who figured out how it worked. Let's just say in our fucked up relationship she is the beauty and I am the smart one. Love that girl to death but today she dropped a bottle of shampoo on my foot, left a bar of soap sitting on the floor of my shower and dropped the blender top on the kitchen floor to break it even more than it already was thanks to numerous droppings by several workers. And than there is the shower. Whoever has the unfortunate duty of giving me a shower the day before never seems to remember to throw the wash cloth in the hamper after i'm done. Said wash cloth than sits in shower for about 24 hours with water, body wash and soap residue ..yum! The main 3 girls who do this, one wants to be an occupational therapist, one is a mom and the last one wants to work with the mentally disabled. Dear god I hope they do a better job picking up at their permanent job/ their own house than they do here. Also, garbage is rarely taken out, dishes are always left over flowing next to the sink, food stains are all over the counter tops and blender and the sink in the kitchen generally looks like someone threw up in it. Why is this you ask? Because 75% of the people who work for me won't clean anything, restock anything or pick up anything unless I ask. Also, even though they lay out my medication every week most of them won't tell me when I am about out of one of my pills until I go to take it and it's no longer there. I than ask them to refill it and 90% of the time the answer I get is how. Jesus H Christ! Or another good example 2 of the girls last week asked me what to do because I didn't have any of my cups cleaned to drink out of. Um here is an easy idea see how they are all stacked in the dish rack next to the sink. Take them out of the dish rack, put them in the dish washer, grab detergent from under the sink and press start. I can't move my arms and even I know how to do this. But instead, the first girl just hand washed one cup and purposely never filled/ started the dish washer. So I had to have the second girl who was confused by dirty cups run the dish washer. My mom was so shocked that someone did this she asked who it was when she got home from work. My final bitching moment comes from last night when I made a frozen pizza for dinner and asked the girl working to chop the whole thing up in the blender and give me half and safe the other half for today. Sure enough what was waiting for me for lunch today? Unchopped half a pizza. You would be an angry prick to if you had to deal with this all the time. \
Oh yeah donate to my kickstarter, $990 to go by April 20th..donations of $5 or more get a free big mac and donations of $25 or more get a free shirt from my funny t-shirt business. No risk involved because if I don't hit my goal you get your money back and after writing all this I don't think anyone who works for me will be donating. Except for a 12 year old creepy candian who is jealous of how cool I am but might be the only non MR person working for me.
Kickstarter link is right here:
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
I hate politics
As if I didn't hate everyone enough, now I am really starting to hate politicians. Yeah, everybody hates them so I just try not to share my opinion but, I will be bashing both sides in this post. First, there was the sad attack by Isis at the Brussels airport and train station today. Horrible and I feel bad for anyone who lost their life or was injured, and I really don't know if I want to take a train to NYC next week. But anyways, the "presidential candidates" reaction to these attacks is even more priceless! First there is the genius of Donald Trump. Okay American voters this isn't a funny joke anymore. You need to stop voting for him before we have our own version of Hitler in the White house. Otherwise sorry mom, I don't know how yet but I'll be the newest star of the hit play "assassins". Please don't take this seriously secret service but since I know you can spy on all my internet activity from the documentary I watched last night, I cannot kill Trump even if I wanted to cause you know I can't lift my arms to shoot a gun. The worst I can do is hit him with my wheelchair. Anyways his great response to the most recent terror attacks is that we should use waterboarding and other measures of torture to get answers from terrorist suspects and somehow this will stop future terrorist attacks. Ummm....no jackass that's just going to give the terrorists more propaganda and only encourage more of them to plan more frequent attacks. This is the guy that people want running the country? I said it before and I'll say it again, he's a terrible business man, he has filled bankruptcy numerous times, there's rumors that he beat and raped some of his ex-wives, and he legit wants to fuck his daughter. Look it up there are quotes to verify this. And despite all this the brilliant voters of America-uh want a reality TV host to be president. Fuck that, I'm voting for Ryan Seacrest!
Ted Cruz's response was almost as good as dumbass. He thinks that police should start patrolling known Arab neighborhoods in the United States more often. Hello, captain bible humper isn't this verifying that you agree with Trump when you are so desperately trying to make yourself the anti Trump candidate? In that case why don't we just round them all up and put them in camps in the desert like we did with the Japanese in WWII. How did that work out for this country? We still ask the Japanese to serve in our armed forces and gave them some money after the fact to say - we're sorry, our bad.
Don't worry I didn't forget the Democrats. Hillary and Bernie's great response is that we should basically tell Isis it's okay just don't do it again or there will be serious consequences mister. Then the two of them wonder why this keeps happening? Oh I don't know maybe because my parents were more strict with me than you two idiots are with Isis. And last I checked my sister and I weren't posting beheaded videos on the internet. I'm just saying. I'm not done with you Democrats because today I am truly embarrassed to support you guys/girls - don't want to be sexist. What did President Obama do today when he found out about the terrorist attack in Brussels? He stayed in Cuba to watch a baseball game. It's like when W kept reading a children's book in a classroom when he found out about 9-11. Dumbass looked like he was gunna crap his pants because nobody was telling him what to do. I've seen deer have better reactions than that. I'm assuming Obama just phoning it in at this point because he has less than a year left as President and then gets to sit back and make millions on the lecture/book writing circuit. I know this wasn't in the United States but Isis really fucking hates us and if stuff started blowing up here I would like to think that the President is on his way to DC or at least in the air, not watching baseball and eating his peanuts and crackerjacks on the tax payer dime.
Finally there is a great Governor of the shit hole state I live in called Connecticut. I'll admit I voted for this moron twice because I wanted to give him time to fix his mistakes from his first term. Yeah, I won't be voting for you again in two years. Do use a favor and don't embarrass yourself by running! This stupid state already taxes the shit out of everything, and he keeps wanting to add more. We already have huge taxes on gas, the biggest in the country and alcohol must to the dismay of everyone who works for me who has to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon because that's all they can afford. Plus you know there's car taxes, property taxes, income taxes and that's just the one's I can think of. Hell I even think they taxed my mom when my dad died. It cost money to die in this state you know. What you want, to be dead for free? Now that my whole family is going to kill me, hopefully the taxes won't be too much, this is why I thought I wanted to move to North Carolina. That was until I watched a little Netflix documentary called "Finders Keepers".
This was probably the most fucked up thing I ever watched and I watch Human Centipede. Short version of a long story - fat hick redneck, with the beautiful voice of a five pack a day smoker...I'm looking at you wife...buys storage unit at an auction in North Carolina. In said unit is a grill, inside the grill is a human foot, yes not a prosthetic, an actual human foot. I don't even fucking know where to begin with this. First of all, the guy whose foot it was, what was your long term goal with preserving your amputated foot? He lost it in a plane crash that killed his father and said he was saving it to make a memorial to him. Holy hell, that is disturbing. If I loose a limb I'm not preserving it in memorial of anybody! Also, he was pissed because when the coroner from the hospital delivered it to him he thought it would just be the bones left, but oh no that's not how they roll with medical treatment in NC. Instead it was still there toes, toe nails, skin, hair, and bones sticking out. What did pirate Pete do? Instead of hurling in a sink or throwing it away, he preserved it in a tub of embalming fluid like he was roasting a pig. This guy was a crack head - surprise, and an alcoholic surprise, so he got evicted from his house - surprise! The next part is what really confuses me. When his relatives were helping him pack up his belongings they stuck the foot in a grill. The grill was then taken to a storage unit where they only paid for 3 months of rentals before it eventually got auctioned off. Okay what genius in that family thought the best place to put Jethro's foot was in his grill, and on top of that he left it in a storage unit? How drunk and high were you that you forgot where our foot was. But this story only gets better, the sexy beast who bought the unit not only didn't want to give the foot back to pirate Pete but he somehow thought he could make a profit on this. He charged a dollar for kids to look and 3 dollars for adults. He also made a website selling grill foot shirts - I'm not kidding folks. The best part is though he was scamming people, good you deserve to be scammed if you're into this shit! When he called the police to say he found a human foot the cops took the foot to a morgue. Nobody knew that the morgue then gave the foot to the original "owner". A direct quote "if was mine for 42 years, it should be mine now". Yes, Jethro, I agree but why the fuck do you still want it? For the grand finale captain lucky strike decided to sue the leg owner saying it was his property now. These two assholes got on every news and talk show around the world in 2007 for this shit. Finally, the decided to settle it where all classy individuals settle things - a reality TV show called Judge Mathis. Obviously, Judge Mathis gave the leg back to Jethro, but somehow awarded sexy beast $5,000 because that's what he paid for the unit I hope. The fat dick was mad he didn't get to keep the leg and legit was surprised he lost the case. It ended well Jethro got sober thanks to Judge Mathis and fat dick is getting divorced, appeared on some god awful reality TV show called Dukes of Haggle, I've never even heard of that so it must have gotten cancelled fast. Somehow through all this he thinks he is a big deal and famous. In fact, at the end of the movie you find out he is running for president in 2016. Sadly, I might vote for him considering the winners that are running currently.
Ted Cruz's response was almost as good as dumbass. He thinks that police should start patrolling known Arab neighborhoods in the United States more often. Hello, captain bible humper isn't this verifying that you agree with Trump when you are so desperately trying to make yourself the anti Trump candidate? In that case why don't we just round them all up and put them in camps in the desert like we did with the Japanese in WWII. How did that work out for this country? We still ask the Japanese to serve in our armed forces and gave them some money after the fact to say - we're sorry, our bad.
Don't worry I didn't forget the Democrats. Hillary and Bernie's great response is that we should basically tell Isis it's okay just don't do it again or there will be serious consequences mister. Then the two of them wonder why this keeps happening? Oh I don't know maybe because my parents were more strict with me than you two idiots are with Isis. And last I checked my sister and I weren't posting beheaded videos on the internet. I'm just saying. I'm not done with you Democrats because today I am truly embarrassed to support you guys/girls - don't want to be sexist. What did President Obama do today when he found out about the terrorist attack in Brussels? He stayed in Cuba to watch a baseball game. It's like when W kept reading a children's book in a classroom when he found out about 9-11. Dumbass looked like he was gunna crap his pants because nobody was telling him what to do. I've seen deer have better reactions than that. I'm assuming Obama just phoning it in at this point because he has less than a year left as President and then gets to sit back and make millions on the lecture/book writing circuit. I know this wasn't in the United States but Isis really fucking hates us and if stuff started blowing up here I would like to think that the President is on his way to DC or at least in the air, not watching baseball and eating his peanuts and crackerjacks on the tax payer dime.
Finally there is a great Governor of the shit hole state I live in called Connecticut. I'll admit I voted for this moron twice because I wanted to give him time to fix his mistakes from his first term. Yeah, I won't be voting for you again in two years. Do use a favor and don't embarrass yourself by running! This stupid state already taxes the shit out of everything, and he keeps wanting to add more. We already have huge taxes on gas, the biggest in the country and alcohol must to the dismay of everyone who works for me who has to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon because that's all they can afford. Plus you know there's car taxes, property taxes, income taxes and that's just the one's I can think of. Hell I even think they taxed my mom when my dad died. It cost money to die in this state you know. What you want, to be dead for free? Now that my whole family is going to kill me, hopefully the taxes won't be too much, this is why I thought I wanted to move to North Carolina. That was until I watched a little Netflix documentary called "Finders Keepers".
This was probably the most fucked up thing I ever watched and I watch Human Centipede. Short version of a long story - fat hick redneck, with the beautiful voice of a five pack a day smoker...I'm looking at you wife...buys storage unit at an auction in North Carolina. In said unit is a grill, inside the grill is a human foot, yes not a prosthetic, an actual human foot. I don't even fucking know where to begin with this. First of all, the guy whose foot it was, what was your long term goal with preserving your amputated foot? He lost it in a plane crash that killed his father and said he was saving it to make a memorial to him. Holy hell, that is disturbing. If I loose a limb I'm not preserving it in memorial of anybody! Also, he was pissed because when the coroner from the hospital delivered it to him he thought it would just be the bones left, but oh no that's not how they roll with medical treatment in NC. Instead it was still there toes, toe nails, skin, hair, and bones sticking out. What did pirate Pete do? Instead of hurling in a sink or throwing it away, he preserved it in a tub of embalming fluid like he was roasting a pig. This guy was a crack head - surprise, and an alcoholic surprise, so he got evicted from his house - surprise! The next part is what really confuses me. When his relatives were helping him pack up his belongings they stuck the foot in a grill. The grill was then taken to a storage unit where they only paid for 3 months of rentals before it eventually got auctioned off. Okay what genius in that family thought the best place to put Jethro's foot was in his grill, and on top of that he left it in a storage unit? How drunk and high were you that you forgot where our foot was. But this story only gets better, the sexy beast who bought the unit not only didn't want to give the foot back to pirate Pete but he somehow thought he could make a profit on this. He charged a dollar for kids to look and 3 dollars for adults. He also made a website selling grill foot shirts - I'm not kidding folks. The best part is though he was scamming people, good you deserve to be scammed if you're into this shit! When he called the police to say he found a human foot the cops took the foot to a morgue. Nobody knew that the morgue then gave the foot to the original "owner". A direct quote "if was mine for 42 years, it should be mine now". Yes, Jethro, I agree but why the fuck do you still want it? For the grand finale captain lucky strike decided to sue the leg owner saying it was his property now. These two assholes got on every news and talk show around the world in 2007 for this shit. Finally, the decided to settle it where all classy individuals settle things - a reality TV show called Judge Mathis. Obviously, Judge Mathis gave the leg back to Jethro, but somehow awarded sexy beast $5,000 because that's what he paid for the unit I hope. The fat dick was mad he didn't get to keep the leg and legit was surprised he lost the case. It ended well Jethro got sober thanks to Judge Mathis and fat dick is getting divorced, appeared on some god awful reality TV show called Dukes of Haggle, I've never even heard of that so it must have gotten cancelled fast. Somehow through all this he thinks he is a big deal and famous. In fact, at the end of the movie you find out he is running for president in 2016. Sadly, I might vote for him considering the winners that are running currently.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Sad just Sad ...
So... I haven't written in a while. Sorry America hope you survived without me. Especially all my fans on the West Coast who have nothing better to do but spend all day on Twitter tweeting at famous celebrities and then get all butt hurt when the one person that responds turns out to be fake. Two people went out of their way to destroy a certain individual. Yet they seem to have no problem with all the other fake accounts out there, particularly the other fake Shameless actor. The real dude has no accounts and I can verify for a fact that there is a guy on Twitter and Facebook pretending to be him and sending pictures of his dick to everyone. But Dr Crazypants has no problem with that person, there is a guy on Instagram with several thousand followers trying to scam people with a Gofundme he setup after people kept thinking there was another one. That was actually legit to get a new wheelchair ramp van for my crippled ass. It can be proven but that doesn't stop Dr Crazypants. Finally there is a fake guy on Snapchat who at first pretends to be Lip and then pretends to be his Manager, but still sends plenty of dick pictures. And guess what? Dr Crazypants has no problem with this either. All I have to say is Karma is a bitch and it's coming for you Dr Crazypants. You fucked with the wrong cripple.
Finally have my first 3 shirts ready for order just have to come up with the money. The good part is they only cost $10.00 a piece, so when I sell them I am going to make $10.00 a shirt off of them. The first 3 will be the beer one with a slight alteration, the crack is whack minus Whitney Houston on the back and finally my favorite of all: Handicapped lives matter. Now if I can actually sell it maybe people will take it seriously. I will keep my wheels crossed. And don't worry Dr Crazypants since I know you are stalking this because you clearly have nothing better to do with your life, there are no Lip products anymore even though all of my products were legit anyways Dumbass.
Today I was going through old family photos and it's always a bit disturbing when you find photos of your Dad in a speedo or his best friend jumping on a bed in his underwear or less. Yes I know everybody was young once but it's so weird to see that crazy side of the family. There is also some scary ass photos of me that should be burnt. Here is a hot one:
For my last bitch fit of the night I have noticed the sad, sad downfall of some people that use to be quite famous. First of all, was Billy Baldwin doing a commercial on ESPN for the national Collegiate Wrestling Championships. Okay I know Alec is really the only famous one but dude I don't even think Daniel the drunk/pervert or Steven the Buttface who would do anything for money would do that. Okay they probably would. Or Depends commercial like Gronk... but that guy is a douche. Oh wait so are most of the Baldwins. But seriously other Baldwins you will never be as famous as Alec so can't you just mooch off of him and go away. Nobody gives a shit about you anyways.
Next is the sad, sad case of Craig Kilborn. Who is that you ask? Exactly, he Brian Dunklemaned his career away. Yeah I know none of you know who Dunkleman is either! He was the other host of American Idol the first season and then disappeared off of the face of the Earth. I'm assuming he lives in his parents basement now telling his cats to use AT&T phone to call/text your votes while you drink Coke and see who goes home on the next episode of American Idol. Well Kilborn id Dunkleman times 10. First, he quit as one of the hosts of Sportscenter to be the original host of the Daily Show. I swear to God it's true look it up Dr Crazypants! He then left that show and got replaced by Jon Stewart, who ya know only successful hosted that show for 16 years and is way more famous now because of it. Don't get me started on the guy who replaced Stewart. First of all he's as funny as a fart in the middle of Church. And second, he is from South Africa and hosting a show about US politics. Really Comedy Central? This was the best comedian you came up with? What about that guy that smashes watermelons... if he is still alive he was funny like ya know 30 years ago. Anyways back to Kilborn. After the brilliant move of quitting the Daily Show he disappeared for a while. Probably to yell at cars driving by him in New York City. Saying "Hey I use to host the Daily Show, and be a serious sports reporter... would you have any spare change?" Next time I saw his pathetic ass was in a bit part in the movie Old School. Not surprisingly he played a douche bag. Somehow from this he got a job hosting one of the Late Night shows on CBS... but guess what he did. After a few year run with that, he quit again! This fucking idiot never learns. So, what did I most recently see him in? A Kraft macaroni and cheese commercial. Holy Crap dude you gave up Sportscenter, the Daily Show and a late night talk show on a major network so you could sell macaroni and cheese? I hope Kraft at least gave you a lifetime supply because I have a feeling that might be the only way you can feed them. Who knows, it's Hollywood maybe he'll get a part on The Walking Dead or some other hit show just to quit a few years later.
I saved the saddest celebrity fall from grace for last. Katherine Heigl. 10 years ago she was the star of the biggest TV show on TV at the time in Grey's Anatomy. Then she made Knocked Up with Seth Rogen and decided she was too good for a TV show and was gonna become a big movie star. To spare her embarrassment I won't mention the names of these movies. But trust me in some countries they would execute her for how shitty they were. Except for The Ringer, which is a movie no one knows about but is fucking hilarious. Nobody played retard like Johnny Knoxville, no offense to him, but I don't think it was much of a stretch for him. I actually felt bad for her because A I use to think she was really Hot. B I heard Grey's Anatomy doesn't want her back because she is a massive bitch to work with allegedly. So now she can't even Joanie Loves Chachi her way back to a hit TV show. Since I know nobody will get that reference. Joanie Loves Chachi was a spin off of the show Happy Days that even Scott Baio called a "cesspool" aka a shit hole. Aka Waterbury. Luckily for them after Joanie Loves Chachi was cancelled, Happy Days was still on the air. So they put them back on Happy Days for it's last season. Katherine Heigl isn't going to Scott Baio her way out of this one. Last thing I saw her advertised in was some stupid show on NBC that even I don't remember the name of that got cancelled without even running a whole season. That was until the other day when what did I see her in a fucking cat litter commercial. Holy shit she's selling shit. Or at least the stuff that cats shit on in a box. This is sadder than when I found out Santa Claus wasn't real. It's like when there was this really hot girl in high school that you were madly in love with and then 15 years later you see her at your reunion and she weighs 300lbs has 4 kids hanging off of her. Pulls up in her Minivan screaming at them and her balding fat husband looking like she quit on life in 2008. Kinda like Katherine Heigl did on her career. I'm gonna go pour one out on the curb in remembrance of her career. Later Folks!
Finally have my first 3 shirts ready for order just have to come up with the money. The good part is they only cost $10.00 a piece, so when I sell them I am going to make $10.00 a shirt off of them. The first 3 will be the beer one with a slight alteration, the crack is whack minus Whitney Houston on the back and finally my favorite of all: Handicapped lives matter. Now if I can actually sell it maybe people will take it seriously. I will keep my wheels crossed. And don't worry Dr Crazypants since I know you are stalking this because you clearly have nothing better to do with your life, there are no Lip products anymore even though all of my products were legit anyways Dumbass.
Today I was going through old family photos and it's always a bit disturbing when you find photos of your Dad in a speedo or his best friend jumping on a bed in his underwear or less. Yes I know everybody was young once but it's so weird to see that crazy side of the family. There is also some scary ass photos of me that should be burnt. Here is a hot one:
For my last bitch fit of the night I have noticed the sad, sad downfall of some people that use to be quite famous. First of all, was Billy Baldwin doing a commercial on ESPN for the national Collegiate Wrestling Championships. Okay I know Alec is really the only famous one but dude I don't even think Daniel the drunk/pervert or Steven the Buttface who would do anything for money would do that. Okay they probably would. Or Depends commercial like Gronk... but that guy is a douche. Oh wait so are most of the Baldwins. But seriously other Baldwins you will never be as famous as Alec so can't you just mooch off of him and go away. Nobody gives a shit about you anyways.
Next is the sad, sad case of Craig Kilborn. Who is that you ask? Exactly, he Brian Dunklemaned his career away. Yeah I know none of you know who Dunkleman is either! He was the other host of American Idol the first season and then disappeared off of the face of the Earth. I'm assuming he lives in his parents basement now telling his cats to use AT&T phone to call/text your votes while you drink Coke and see who goes home on the next episode of American Idol. Well Kilborn id Dunkleman times 10. First, he quit as one of the hosts of Sportscenter to be the original host of the Daily Show. I swear to God it's true look it up Dr Crazypants! He then left that show and got replaced by Jon Stewart, who ya know only successful hosted that show for 16 years and is way more famous now because of it. Don't get me started on the guy who replaced Stewart. First of all he's as funny as a fart in the middle of Church. And second, he is from South Africa and hosting a show about US politics. Really Comedy Central? This was the best comedian you came up with? What about that guy that smashes watermelons... if he is still alive he was funny like ya know 30 years ago. Anyways back to Kilborn. After the brilliant move of quitting the Daily Show he disappeared for a while. Probably to yell at cars driving by him in New York City. Saying "Hey I use to host the Daily Show, and be a serious sports reporter... would you have any spare change?" Next time I saw his pathetic ass was in a bit part in the movie Old School. Not surprisingly he played a douche bag. Somehow from this he got a job hosting one of the Late Night shows on CBS... but guess what he did. After a few year run with that, he quit again! This fucking idiot never learns. So, what did I most recently see him in? A Kraft macaroni and cheese commercial. Holy Crap dude you gave up Sportscenter, the Daily Show and a late night talk show on a major network so you could sell macaroni and cheese? I hope Kraft at least gave you a lifetime supply because I have a feeling that might be the only way you can feed them. Who knows, it's Hollywood maybe he'll get a part on The Walking Dead or some other hit show just to quit a few years later.
I saved the saddest celebrity fall from grace for last. Katherine Heigl. 10 years ago she was the star of the biggest TV show on TV at the time in Grey's Anatomy. Then she made Knocked Up with Seth Rogen and decided she was too good for a TV show and was gonna become a big movie star. To spare her embarrassment I won't mention the names of these movies. But trust me in some countries they would execute her for how shitty they were. Except for The Ringer, which is a movie no one knows about but is fucking hilarious. Nobody played retard like Johnny Knoxville, no offense to him, but I don't think it was much of a stretch for him. I actually felt bad for her because A I use to think she was really Hot. B I heard Grey's Anatomy doesn't want her back because she is a massive bitch to work with allegedly. So now she can't even Joanie Loves Chachi her way back to a hit TV show. Since I know nobody will get that reference. Joanie Loves Chachi was a spin off of the show Happy Days that even Scott Baio called a "cesspool" aka a shit hole. Aka Waterbury. Luckily for them after Joanie Loves Chachi was cancelled, Happy Days was still on the air. So they put them back on Happy Days for it's last season. Katherine Heigl isn't going to Scott Baio her way out of this one. Last thing I saw her advertised in was some stupid show on NBC that even I don't remember the name of that got cancelled without even running a whole season. That was until the other day when what did I see her in a fucking cat litter commercial. Holy shit she's selling shit. Or at least the stuff that cats shit on in a box. This is sadder than when I found out Santa Claus wasn't real. It's like when there was this really hot girl in high school that you were madly in love with and then 15 years later you see her at your reunion and she weighs 300lbs has 4 kids hanging off of her. Pulls up in her Minivan screaming at them and her balding fat husband looking like she quit on life in 2008. Kinda like Katherine Heigl did on her career. I'm gonna go pour one out on the curb in remembrance of her career. Later Folks!
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Crack is whack Jack...Who is Jack?
As I write this it is currently thunder storming right now. Hopefully, I don't get fried like a chicken while I write this beautiful thing. So I hit an all time high today by getting into a Facebook fight with a stripper. I don't know why I feel the need to be an asshole but when people are always trying to make you feel sorry for them because they have no money and then post a picture in their giant ass apartment with a room full of Pokemon toys it kind of pisses me off. Sure I collect bobbleheads, wrestling figures, and a bunch of other shit ..but they will all be worth money some day dammit .. at least that's how I justify it in my head. Hey trying to figure out how a crack head thinks could even stump Einstein. Talking about the stripper not me. Crack is whack and that's a fact Jack! Just ask Whitney, oh wait she drowned in her bathtub because she loved the crack. Maybe that is what I will always love you is about, too soon? Hey great shirt idea.
I am just mad that I wasted an hour of my life fighting on social media. Fighting on social media is stupid! First of all, everyone thinks they are tough behind a computer screen. I have no problem being a dick in person and on my blog. I gave up giving a shit a long time ago about what people think of me because as Ricky Nelson once said you can't please everyone so you gotta please yourself. That was his biggest hit since the side of a mountain! Too soon? Second, arguing on social media is like winning the special Olympics, even if you do so you are still retarded. Yeah, I know people are gonna be offended by that last line but tell me you didn't laugh reading it? Our society has gotten way to PC besides, I am physically disabled and have no problem saying I'M A CRIPPLE. If you are something just own it. I would rather you be Caitlyn Jenner (her name is Bruce) than someone be fake as hell! You go girl, get down with your 65 year old women self. The world should have known when you played a motorcycle cop on CHiPs and starred in a movie with the village people.
Finally, I am deciding to do something with my life. My funny t-shirt company is called Cripple Creation. I made a twitter which you can see here and a facebook page for my company here. Hell, I even applied for business loans and made a business plan. Yes world I am seriously doing this. Now if only I could make a sale of one of my products. But hey what do you want from me?...Love me so Adam Lambert
I am just mad that I wasted an hour of my life fighting on social media. Fighting on social media is stupid! First of all, everyone thinks they are tough behind a computer screen. I have no problem being a dick in person and on my blog. I gave up giving a shit a long time ago about what people think of me because as Ricky Nelson once said you can't please everyone so you gotta please yourself. That was his biggest hit since the side of a mountain! Too soon? Second, arguing on social media is like winning the special Olympics, even if you do so you are still retarded. Yeah, I know people are gonna be offended by that last line but tell me you didn't laugh reading it? Our society has gotten way to PC besides, I am physically disabled and have no problem saying I'M A CRIPPLE. If you are something just own it. I would rather you be Caitlyn Jenner (her name is Bruce) than someone be fake as hell! You go girl, get down with your 65 year old women self. The world should have known when you played a motorcycle cop on CHiPs and starred in a movie with the village people.
Finally, I am deciding to do something with my life. My funny t-shirt company is called Cripple Creation. I made a twitter which you can see here and a facebook page for my company here. Hell, I even applied for business loans and made a business plan. Yes world I am seriously doing this. Now if only I could make a sale of one of my products. But hey what do you want from me?...Love me so Adam Lambert
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Store
So I opened up an Etsy store to show off the hilarious ideas I get in my head here is the link to buy stuff. I will also post pictures below. I figure this a funny and legit way to make money towards getting a new wheelchair ramp van, paying off my debt, and paying back my mom. Here are photos of the funny shirts
Friday, March 11, 2016
The Truth Shall Set You Free
The title of this post is about as religious as I get. I am pretty sure if I rolled into a church I would probably catch on fire right away. First the good stuff before the gloves come off... I got a job working for a new news outlet in New Britain. They have a go fund me page that I donated to because you know everyone else helped me. We are having a meeting on Thursday so I can write more details about it then. I will just be thrilled if they can pay me anything. Oh and they are having a pizza fundraiser on Saturday April 2nd, so you know my fat ass will be there.
Now for the good stuff. Workers have been really pissing me off lately. I know this is shocking but I will elaborate. Despite this blog, I generally try to be a nice person and help out the few people in my life that I truly care about. Chances are that if you work for me no matter what I write in here I still care about you. However, some workers like to see how far they can push things before Tyshawn comes out... who is Tyshawn? He is my alter ego and he is a bit psychotic! He is pictured below!
I love the wife, like love love like so happy that she puts up with me and loves me for who I am despite my disability. In fact, despite dating a few other people, she is the first girl that I have truly been in love with. That being said she has really been pushing my buttons lately. It all started Wednesday morning when she texted myself and all my other workers saying she was throwing up sick and had a fever. Believable because I know there is a lot of stomach bugs going around. The problem was she sent it at 2 in the morning while I was sleeping and was supposed to be there at 10 am. Gimpy was keeping an eye on me for 2 hours before 10. Therefore around 9:00am I heard her dragging her bad foot into my room telling the wife was sick and everyone else was basically busy to come help me. Why not have Gimpy keep helping me? Well, Gimpy can barely walk never mind trying to put my 175 lbs ass in my chair. We were just scared because I was laying on my side and we did not even know if she would be able to flip me on my back to sit my bed up. Luckily, she figured out a way because I figured my mom would have killed me if I asked her to come home from work at 9 am during tax season. I will say in the wife's defense she did come in and do her normal shift. However she seemed perfectly fine to me. She was not sweating and did not throw up while she was here for 6 hours, me thinks she had the Budweiser flu. She will never admit she is wrong though like a typical woman and some how will turn this into my fault.
Fast forward to yesterday. Now about a week ago I asked her to come today from 10am-3pm and come back for 9pm-10am. Yes, I know it is a lot of hours and I normally stay up until 1 or 2 am but I let my workers sleep when I am sleeping. Also, she had a doctors appointment at 4 but even if she got out at 6 she could have taken a 2 hour nap before she came. Well yesterday, she said that I better go to bed early because she would be so tired she would not be able to turn me in the middle of the night and she was doing me a favor by coming in extra. First of all, you never fucking wake up to turn me during the night. Second, I always have to ask the person coming in the morning to turn me when they get here because you are to tired. But it funny though because on Tuesday you opened the front door to let the morning shift girl in but still could not turn me. Yea she was doing me a favor by coming in extra because nobody else could. However, this is the same girl who cries literally about how broke she is but 50% of the time if I offer extra hours she will not take them when I have told her to get an extra job if she is not getting enough hours but she says she cant because it will make her too tired. Girl, I have a mom with a young son, a girl going to college, doing an internship and working for me and don't forget Gimpy who can barely walk, and some weeks they work more hours then you and still manage to wake up and turn me without complaining about how tired they are. Yet when the end of the month rolls around you will complain again about how you cant pay your bills. Plus, after she reads this she will play the victim and say how mean and terrible I am. Yes, I am so mean and terrible that in the past I have paid your rent 3 times, kept your cell phone from being shut off twice, paid one of your car payments, and pissed my mom off by buying you a $400 dryer for your apartment on her credit card knowing full that we would never be able to pay her back. Do not forget my mom also paid your emergency vet bill despite not being your biggest fan because she knows how much I care about you and all she asked in return was $50 a week out of the money she pays you until she is paid back. Also, you say I do not treat you well, yet every winter if there is a snow storm I find coverage for your shifts so I do not have to deal with the complaining, I find coverage every time you are sick because I do not want to deal with the complaining, I rarely ask you to take me anywhere or work extra hours because I do not want to deal with the complaining. Oh, there is always complaints my head hurts, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my hands feels weak, I am so tired, OMG I am so dizzy, I am starving and my favorite I am so poor Robert, how am I going to pay my bills as she looks right at me like somehow I am going to pull money out of my ass! Then she wonders why my mom, sister and other workers are not her biggest fan. I do not know maybe because they see how unreliable of a worker you are, who drains my bank account and gets treated better then all the other workers but still finds a way to complain about work and how I treat her. Yes, I know you will probably read this and be even more pissed, but while you do look at that $700 ring and necklace I bought you, and ask yourself if I really am that bad? When your best friend, your mom, dad, and anybody else was not there for you who was? When you are starving because you have not eaten all day who was there to buy food for you? When your cats did not have any food or litter who gave you stuff that was for his cats? When your phone bill is so out of control because of all the data you use because you do not have internet, who got you and your roommate cable and internet to help you to bring the cost down? Finally, who is trying to help you improve your credit score so you can refinance your car and not get it repossessed despite ruining his own credit score? If you still think I am that terrible and bad for you then you are more the welcome to try and make it on your own but I strongly believe that I have been there for you more then anyone else in your life ever has, and I expect nothing in return.
Now for the good stuff. Workers have been really pissing me off lately. I know this is shocking but I will elaborate. Despite this blog, I generally try to be a nice person and help out the few people in my life that I truly care about. Chances are that if you work for me no matter what I write in here I still care about you. However, some workers like to see how far they can push things before Tyshawn comes out... who is Tyshawn? He is my alter ego and he is a bit psychotic! He is pictured below!
I love the wife, like love love like so happy that she puts up with me and loves me for who I am despite my disability. In fact, despite dating a few other people, she is the first girl that I have truly been in love with. That being said she has really been pushing my buttons lately. It all started Wednesday morning when she texted myself and all my other workers saying she was throwing up sick and had a fever. Believable because I know there is a lot of stomach bugs going around. The problem was she sent it at 2 in the morning while I was sleeping and was supposed to be there at 10 am. Gimpy was keeping an eye on me for 2 hours before 10. Therefore around 9:00am I heard her dragging her bad foot into my room telling the wife was sick and everyone else was basically busy to come help me. Why not have Gimpy keep helping me? Well, Gimpy can barely walk never mind trying to put my 175 lbs ass in my chair. We were just scared because I was laying on my side and we did not even know if she would be able to flip me on my back to sit my bed up. Luckily, she figured out a way because I figured my mom would have killed me if I asked her to come home from work at 9 am during tax season. I will say in the wife's defense she did come in and do her normal shift. However she seemed perfectly fine to me. She was not sweating and did not throw up while she was here for 6 hours, me thinks she had the Budweiser flu. She will never admit she is wrong though like a typical woman and some how will turn this into my fault.
Fast forward to yesterday. Now about a week ago I asked her to come today from 10am-3pm and come back for 9pm-10am. Yes, I know it is a lot of hours and I normally stay up until 1 or 2 am but I let my workers sleep when I am sleeping. Also, she had a doctors appointment at 4 but even if she got out at 6 she could have taken a 2 hour nap before she came. Well yesterday, she said that I better go to bed early because she would be so tired she would not be able to turn me in the middle of the night and she was doing me a favor by coming in extra. First of all, you never fucking wake up to turn me during the night. Second, I always have to ask the person coming in the morning to turn me when they get here because you are to tired. But it funny though because on Tuesday you opened the front door to let the morning shift girl in but still could not turn me. Yea she was doing me a favor by coming in extra because nobody else could. However, this is the same girl who cries literally about how broke she is but 50% of the time if I offer extra hours she will not take them when I have told her to get an extra job if she is not getting enough hours but she says she cant because it will make her too tired. Girl, I have a mom with a young son, a girl going to college, doing an internship and working for me and don't forget Gimpy who can barely walk, and some weeks they work more hours then you and still manage to wake up and turn me without complaining about how tired they are. Yet when the end of the month rolls around you will complain again about how you cant pay your bills. Plus, after she reads this she will play the victim and say how mean and terrible I am. Yes, I am so mean and terrible that in the past I have paid your rent 3 times, kept your cell phone from being shut off twice, paid one of your car payments, and pissed my mom off by buying you a $400 dryer for your apartment on her credit card knowing full that we would never be able to pay her back. Do not forget my mom also paid your emergency vet bill despite not being your biggest fan because she knows how much I care about you and all she asked in return was $50 a week out of the money she pays you until she is paid back. Also, you say I do not treat you well, yet every winter if there is a snow storm I find coverage for your shifts so I do not have to deal with the complaining, I find coverage every time you are sick because I do not want to deal with the complaining, I rarely ask you to take me anywhere or work extra hours because I do not want to deal with the complaining. Oh, there is always complaints my head hurts, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my hands feels weak, I am so tired, OMG I am so dizzy, I am starving and my favorite I am so poor Robert, how am I going to pay my bills as she looks right at me like somehow I am going to pull money out of my ass! Then she wonders why my mom, sister and other workers are not her biggest fan. I do not know maybe because they see how unreliable of a worker you are, who drains my bank account and gets treated better then all the other workers but still finds a way to complain about work and how I treat her. Yes, I know you will probably read this and be even more pissed, but while you do look at that $700 ring and necklace I bought you, and ask yourself if I really am that bad? When your best friend, your mom, dad, and anybody else was not there for you who was? When you are starving because you have not eaten all day who was there to buy food for you? When your cats did not have any food or litter who gave you stuff that was for his cats? When your phone bill is so out of control because of all the data you use because you do not have internet, who got you and your roommate cable and internet to help you to bring the cost down? Finally, who is trying to help you improve your credit score so you can refinance your car and not get it repossessed despite ruining his own credit score? If you still think I am that terrible and bad for you then you are more the welcome to try and make it on your own but I strongly believe that I have been there for you more then anyone else in your life ever has, and I expect nothing in return.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Target
Today I had the great idea of going to Target with Gimpy McButtface. I tried to tell her it would be a bigger disaster then the Titanic but she would not listen to me, no woman ever does. The reason why I knew this was a bad idea we are both cripples and Gimpy decided she was going to hot dog it without her crutches. That is what you get for being a show off! First of all, we had to drive around the God damn store so much my arm started crapping out. I am 30 my body is falling apart here people I am living in cripple years! Plus she was there to buy baby clothes and wanted my opinion on them, what the fuck do I know about baby clothes. Plus I told her to use one of those morbidity obese people's scooters but she had to hot dog it. By the end I can barely drive and she could barely walk. Then when we were leaving it just got worse. First, my head fell down going through the first exit door but gimpy was carrying all the bags and didnt notice. Next she picked up my head after what felt like an eternity, only to hit another bump and fall right back down while my arm also fell off the controller. Yep, I was blocking the exit to Target, while gimpy was readjusting my arm of course two fat Hispanic ladies were screaming at us in Spanish because they were trapped behind us. Oh they were also yelling at their children for laughing at the cripple parade. Fuck I would have laughed if I saw that shit too. Plus, we might have been dressed like we were homeless. You know grey hoodie sweatpants and slippers for gimpy and black sweatpants and slippers for myself along with my classy old man Jets shirt. For the grand finally someone parked too close to the van so gimpy had to hobble over to the drivers seat and move the van. Which probably took about 10 mins. meanwhile my arm crapped out halfway up the lift so it probably took us about a half hour to get out of the damn parking lot well at least that is what it felt like. Also, I am eating chocolate chip waffles, turkey sausage because I am healthy like that, and poptarts. Or as I call it white trash dinner-breakfast.
Oh and my cat Flappy is being a total D-bag right now, so he is locked in the basement and needy ass Miley is trying to claw the door open what the fuck you guys dont even like each other. So far Flappy in the hour I have been home went into Gimpy's purse and pulled out tissues and proceeded to eat them. Seriously, my cat eats tissues, banana skins, pineapple core, but he wont eat chicken. He also decided he needed to explore my bag of WWE action figures and cards. I am just impressed he didnt eat those too. Gimpy tried to use the rolling computer chair to stop him but by the time she wheeled her sorry ass over there in the words of the famous Justin Timberlake Woah the damage is done so I guess I will be leaving. Flappy, I am sending your picture on instagram to cat shaming!
Oh and my cat Flappy is being a total D-bag right now, so he is locked in the basement and needy ass Miley is trying to claw the door open what the fuck you guys dont even like each other. So far Flappy in the hour I have been home went into Gimpy's purse and pulled out tissues and proceeded to eat them. Seriously, my cat eats tissues, banana skins, pineapple core, but he wont eat chicken. He also decided he needed to explore my bag of WWE action figures and cards. I am just impressed he didnt eat those too. Gimpy tried to use the rolling computer chair to stop him but by the time she wheeled her sorry ass over there in the words of the famous Justin Timberlake Woah the damage is done so I guess I will be leaving. Flappy, I am sending your picture on instagram to cat shaming!
Friday, March 4, 2016
Wild and Crazy Kids
I have not done much lately big surprise I know. I did get nice generic emails from two of the jobs I applied for, that said they are reviewing applicants. That is basically means yea fuck off we are not going to hire someone better.
So the other day, I went to drive somewhere with Penelope, which is what I call the van and I found this lovely member in the front of the vehicle. Yes folks that is a feminine product, and I have no idea why it was just sitting in my van!
Besides that Penelope has decided to start playing I am only going to blow out hot air when the van is moving. It feels as awesome as it sounds but it is not so bad. It does this about once a year or so. It just sucks in the summer when there is just no cold air. One time I made the mistake of driving to Mohegan sun in July with no air conditioning and I feel bad for who ever was sitting next to me at the tables that day, because I probably smelt like a butt. I was sweating more then a whore going to church on the way there.
So, Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton are most likely going to become the nominees for president. This along with them possibly finding the O.J. murder weapon might be the three signs of the apocalypse. Just took my worker five tries to spell apocalypse with me sitting here spelling it for her. This is what I am working with folks. Maybe now that I am 30 I should transition from hot college girls in there 20's to old fat moms, because at least they have a brain. Plus, the wife not open up so much hateraid, yes I just really wrote that. It is also embarrassing when said worker finds porno on your phone while you are trying to text the wife... besides my worker wanting to burn her eyes out, I also realized I will never get any privacy. The joys of being a hardcore cripple. Cripple for life word!
Anyways back to O.J. for a second. I think the likelihood of this knife being the murder weapon is about the same as that lady really finding a finger in her Wendy's chili. Is anyone else hungry for chili now. But seriously folks, why would you keep a famous murder weapon for ya know about 17/18 years. That is about as likely as me not selling valuable items on ebay to pay off my massive debt. I will say I am loving the O.J. Simpson mini series on FX. First of all, you have Ross from Friends playing Robert Kardashian, who is probably rolling over in his grave knowing this, but this is hilarious casting to me. Also, lets not forget John Travolta putting all that plastic surgery to work as Bob Shapiro. Plus mad props for Theo from the Cosby show playing famous Bronco driver AC Collins. Finally, there is Cuba Gooding Jr. playing O.J. if this is what happens after you win an Oscar, then damit I do not want to win an Oscar. Unless I can say thank you to all the little people I stepped on to get here! Anyways back to Cuba, did you know he is the brother Omar Gooding, my favorite Gooding! Why you ask? Oh you know because he only hosted my favorite tv show on Nickelodeon growing up, Wild and Crazy Kids. Also, lets not forget his stunning two year run as Mo Tibbs on Smart Guy, he was robbed by the academy of an Emmy for his fabulous role... But lets not forget his very special episode when Mo finds out he is really adopted. I am shedding a tear right now just thinking about it. PS if anyone can tell me what happened to Donnie Jeffcoat I will buy you a Big Mac... Drop the microphone!
So the other day, I went to drive somewhere with Penelope, which is what I call the van and I found this lovely member in the front of the vehicle. Yes folks that is a feminine product, and I have no idea why it was just sitting in my van!
Besides that Penelope has decided to start playing I am only going to blow out hot air when the van is moving. It feels as awesome as it sounds but it is not so bad. It does this about once a year or so. It just sucks in the summer when there is just no cold air. One time I made the mistake of driving to Mohegan sun in July with no air conditioning and I feel bad for who ever was sitting next to me at the tables that day, because I probably smelt like a butt. I was sweating more then a whore going to church on the way there.
So, Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton are most likely going to become the nominees for president. This along with them possibly finding the O.J. murder weapon might be the three signs of the apocalypse. Just took my worker five tries to spell apocalypse with me sitting here spelling it for her. This is what I am working with folks. Maybe now that I am 30 I should transition from hot college girls in there 20's to old fat moms, because at least they have a brain. Plus, the wife not open up so much hateraid, yes I just really wrote that. It is also embarrassing when said worker finds porno on your phone while you are trying to text the wife... besides my worker wanting to burn her eyes out, I also realized I will never get any privacy. The joys of being a hardcore cripple. Cripple for life word!
Anyways back to O.J. for a second. I think the likelihood of this knife being the murder weapon is about the same as that lady really finding a finger in her Wendy's chili. Is anyone else hungry for chili now. But seriously folks, why would you keep a famous murder weapon for ya know about 17/18 years. That is about as likely as me not selling valuable items on ebay to pay off my massive debt. I will say I am loving the O.J. Simpson mini series on FX. First of all, you have Ross from Friends playing Robert Kardashian, who is probably rolling over in his grave knowing this, but this is hilarious casting to me. Also, lets not forget John Travolta putting all that plastic surgery to work as Bob Shapiro. Plus mad props for Theo from the Cosby show playing famous Bronco driver AC Collins. Finally, there is Cuba Gooding Jr. playing O.J. if this is what happens after you win an Oscar, then damit I do not want to win an Oscar. Unless I can say thank you to all the little people I stepped on to get here! Anyways back to Cuba, did you know he is the brother Omar Gooding, my favorite Gooding! Why you ask? Oh you know because he only hosted my favorite tv show on Nickelodeon growing up, Wild and Crazy Kids. Also, lets not forget his stunning two year run as Mo Tibbs on Smart Guy, he was robbed by the academy of an Emmy for his fabulous role... But lets not forget his very special episode when Mo finds out he is really adopted. I am shedding a tear right now just thinking about it. PS if anyone can tell me what happened to Donnie Jeffcoat I will buy you a Big Mac... Drop the microphone!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Stuff...........
So last night I officially applied for finical assistance from the state along with food stamps! For those not cool enough to know finical assistance means welfare. Why you ask ..so my mom can't complain as much about all the expenses I occur. Now I can buy my own food and hopefully pay her $500 a month to sleep in my little boy bed from 1999. I am finally asking my Pulmonologist to prescribe me a new one when I see him on the 17th. Mostly though it's so I don't develop a cyst on my ass too from all the nagging. So basically now I am a crippled 30 year old who is unemployed still living with his mom and now hopefully on social security welfare and food stamps! How is that for a trifecta?
In other news I found out the wife's mom is coming to visit on April 2nd. Of course the wife wants me to meet her for the first time. It should not be awkward or anything... it's just like Hey lady i've never met before, I really like screwing your daughter and maybe some day ya know we will get married.. plus yes I am the douche bag she calls you pissed off and crying about half the time... but its great to meet you! Plus i'm socially awkward as fuck.. so if i actually say more than Hi how are you.. it will be a goddamn miracle..
Finally was my great adventure tonight to Nora's cupcakes in Middletown. Good thing the cupcakes are really fucking good so it was worth the train wreck that occurred.. trying to get in and out of the store. First, we made the mistake of parking way to far away. So on the way in my arm kept falling of my controller and than my hand got to cold to drive so my worker had to try and push my chair in. However, my chair weighs ya know around 450 pounds with me in it and there is a slight incline to get into the store. Therefore, I tried to drive myself into the store but the awesome part about my wheelchair is it will not drive if it is out in the cold winter weather too long. So yup it froze right as I was trying to get in the door. Luckily, for some reason it decided to eventually work long enough so I could get inside. After my worker and I purchased what we wanted, she went and moved the van closer. A good thought in theory till my arm decided to play I am still to crippled, cold and tired to drive. I got to the curb cut out and the van was probably five feet from it but for the life of me I could not drive it to the ramp on the van. My worker tried helping me by pushing my chair but it got stuck in a crack in the road. Luckily homeless guy number one came to help us. We than stupidly told him we were all set once I was ready to drive in the van, so he walked away. Sure enough guess what happened when I got half way up the ramp into the van..my chair crapped out again. The other lovely part about my chair is if I get half way up an incline it always rolls backwards first if I stop and start again. Therefore my worker had about as much of a chance of manually pushing me into the van as Jeb Bush did at becoming president. This is when big big ghetto cig smoking homeless man came along to help. Of course at first even with his help my chair did not want to go into the van. Luckily with some persistence and snot running down my workers nose from the fucking freezing temperatures they somehow got me in the van. Cue homeless guy number three. He proceeded to stare creepily at my worker the whole time she was strapping my chair into the van. He than asked if we would need help getting in the house when we got home..well sir even if I did I am not taking you to where I live. Granted at this point I looked mad retarded and my worker had snot stuck to her face but still. Before he finally walked away he asked if we wanted one of his ice creams. Yeah No that was not gonna happen because it was probable laced with LSD, do people still do LSD, I don't know but it looked like he still did! Finally here is my fav music video of all time!Bumble Bee
In other news I found out the wife's mom is coming to visit on April 2nd. Of course the wife wants me to meet her for the first time. It should not be awkward or anything... it's just like Hey lady i've never met before, I really like screwing your daughter and maybe some day ya know we will get married.. plus yes I am the douche bag she calls you pissed off and crying about half the time... but its great to meet you! Plus i'm socially awkward as fuck.. so if i actually say more than Hi how are you.. it will be a goddamn miracle..
Finally was my great adventure tonight to Nora's cupcakes in Middletown. Good thing the cupcakes are really fucking good so it was worth the train wreck that occurred.. trying to get in and out of the store. First, we made the mistake of parking way to far away. So on the way in my arm kept falling of my controller and than my hand got to cold to drive so my worker had to try and push my chair in. However, my chair weighs ya know around 450 pounds with me in it and there is a slight incline to get into the store. Therefore, I tried to drive myself into the store but the awesome part about my wheelchair is it will not drive if it is out in the cold winter weather too long. So yup it froze right as I was trying to get in the door. Luckily, for some reason it decided to eventually work long enough so I could get inside. After my worker and I purchased what we wanted, she went and moved the van closer. A good thought in theory till my arm decided to play I am still to crippled, cold and tired to drive. I got to the curb cut out and the van was probably five feet from it but for the life of me I could not drive it to the ramp on the van. My worker tried helping me by pushing my chair but it got stuck in a crack in the road. Luckily homeless guy number one came to help us. We than stupidly told him we were all set once I was ready to drive in the van, so he walked away. Sure enough guess what happened when I got half way up the ramp into the van..my chair crapped out again. The other lovely part about my chair is if I get half way up an incline it always rolls backwards first if I stop and start again. Therefore my worker had about as much of a chance of manually pushing me into the van as Jeb Bush did at becoming president. This is when big big ghetto cig smoking homeless man came along to help. Of course at first even with his help my chair did not want to go into the van. Luckily with some persistence and snot running down my workers nose from the fucking freezing temperatures they somehow got me in the van. Cue homeless guy number three. He proceeded to stare creepily at my worker the whole time she was strapping my chair into the van. He than asked if we would need help getting in the house when we got home..well sir even if I did I am not taking you to where I live. Granted at this point I looked mad retarded and my worker had snot stuck to her face but still. Before he finally walked away he asked if we wanted one of his ice creams. Yeah No that was not gonna happen because it was probable laced with LSD, do people still do LSD, I don't know but it looked like he still did! Finally here is my fav music video of all time!Bumble Bee
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