Sit Down Comedian

I know I have used that joke 100 times but I couldn't think of a better post for this title. I was supposed to do my sit down comedy debut again tonight but of course it didn't happen...yeah yeah maybe if I was nicer to people I could find rides to things. Plus, the last time I was supposed to do it I got really drunk a few days before and lets just say my chair smelled like pee really bad four days after that. Needless to say I did not want to make a first impression on people by smelling like urine and stinking up an entire room. But I really feel bad for blowing it off twice especially because it was for my people, ya know the crips and disabled. Maybe I'll be brave and look for an open mic night because I can't go back there until October now. If I piss my wheelchair or can't find a ride by then I give up on life. Since I'll try and write some new material by then here is what I had for my first performance. Keep in mind I was asked to keep it PG - PG13 so that is why it is not as bad and offensive as I usually am. Hope you enjoy....

I’ve never done this before…you will probably be able to tell…some people go to the Grammy’s or Oscar’s for their make a wish, I chose standup comedy or in my case more like sit down comedy!

Not really, for my actual make a wish I went to the Superbowl in New Orleans, now I am not saying I am bad luck but four years after that Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans and that city is still recovering 11 years later.

Seriously though, I have the worst luck…first of all I won the genetic lottery by having muscular dystrophy…you know the odds of getting SMA are…1 in 6,000. You know what you have better odds of getting struck by lightning, being hit by a car or playing in the NFL...with luck like that you would think I would win every time I go to the casino or horse track, but hey at least I have put a lot of Native American children through college!

As you can see I am a Mets fan and I got this lovely fedora at the last game I went to….doesn’t it make me look fedorable?

So because of my disability I have to hire people to take care of me 24/7…this often leads to hilarious situations especially because I am a typical shallow guy and only like to hire pretty women to help me and trust me whatever God gave them in looks he took it away in brains! My favorite is when I go somewhere at night and when they are locking up my van they ask me to stay near them in case a mugger comes along…ummmmm have you looked at me?! What the hell am I going to do even if a mugger came up to you I got one move ready for it...? It’s me driving into their shins as fast as I can and if that doesn’t work I’m all out of ideas. Plus half the time when I am driving my chair my head falls down or my arm falls off the controller…so we’ll just have to say “Um hold on a minute sir! I just have to readjust my head and arm before I try to drive my chair into you!”

Now I will freely admit it can be a little difficult to understand me thanks to this wonderful disease, but there is this one girl who works for me that legit just stares at me like I am speaking Chinese or something. I will say something like, “Hey Erica can you go heat something up in the fridge for me for dinner,” and that is when I get the look…you know that deer in headlights look like,  “Oh man I know I am supposed to do something right now, but have no idea what!” So usually Erica will slightly turn her head, look at me with her big eyes and just stare for about 20-30 seconds. Then we play what I like to call the guessing game where I have to figure out if she actually understood what I asked and is just taking a moment to go ahead and do it, or if she has no idea what the hell I said!

My other favorite is when people meet me for the first time, you can always tell if they haven’t dealt with a lot of disabled people before…I am sure some of you have gotten this before…people either walk up to you, put their face about two inches from yours and start screaming and talking really slowly…I am in a wheelchair not hearing impaired. This one time at the hospital the nurse was shouting questions at me so loudly that I think the people in the morgue could hear her.

I also like when I go to the bank or casino and they ask me to sign my name to something. What indication made you think that was even a possibility? Then if I ask if I can sign it with my signature stamp or have my assistant sign it they usually say, “No I can’t allow that. I can lose my job or go to jail for that.” Seriously people, maybe this is how Trump is about to become our next President!

I also enjoy that awkward moment when I first meet someone and they go to shake my hand “Um man or sir did you take a good look at me before you stuck your hand out? How did you think this was going to end for us?” It usually goes one or two ways, they awkwardly put their hand down and look at me like I’m so rude or they try to do the President Obama weird fist pump thing that he does with his wife.

Speaking of politics, am I the only one dreading this next election? If Trump wins, I am moving to Canada or Mexico for the next 4-8 years. And does anyone want Hilary near the button for the nuclear launch? She’s so frigid that Bill had to turn to interns that ended up being in Jenny Craig commercials after their 15 minutes of fame ran out!

My other favorite is my last name, for those of you that don’t know my last name is Held, like the word. But, every time I have to tell someone my last name over the phone I get, “Huh, what,” or “Meld, Helt, or Hield” and then they ask how to spell it and I always say the same thing…HELD, like the actual word! This is a true story, my first day of high school I will never forget it…in one of my classes they got my last name right, but they thought that my first name was Michael. How they got Michael from Robert I will never know. Then in a different class, Michael was gone, but instead my name had turned into Robert Meld! Seriously people, you really think someone has the last name Meld or better yet Hell?

Speaking of growing up, I grew up in the lovely town of Cheshire, CT. Yeah it’s as terrible as it sounds. First of all, the town is 7 miles long by 14 miles wide and yet for some reason this town doesn’t have anything cool like a movie theater or concert venue, but it has 3 Dunkin Donuts, 2 Rite-Aids and CVS’s and oh about a half a dozen pizza places and Chinese restaurants. Seriously why does a town that small need that many Dunkin Donuts probably because the cops in this hometown have nothing better to do but pick up road kill and bust up high school parties. Plus, let’s not forget…everyone runs on Dunkin!

My town is famous for two things, one of them I can’t really make jokes about because I told Tim that I would keep this a clean show, but if you really want to know Google it and you will quickly realize that yes handicapped people can still go to Hell. The other thing Cheshire is famous for is the guy that played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek, grew up here. You know the one that looks, sounds and walks like a duck and hasn’t been in anything since the Clinton administration.

I didn’t really have a lot of friends growing up in this town because in Cheshire if you don’t have money people don’t care about you. For example, one time a kid in my class had a limo come pick him up to take him to the airport for his family’s vacation. When I went to my high school prom, my sister drove me in my mini-van! It’s not really anyone’s fault, my mom is just an accountant so unless there is a tax write-off for it she will probably say that it is an unnecessary expense! We weren’t rich by any means growing up, but trust me when I tell you accountants make good money! That being said, my mom never liked to spend any of it. It was my uncle’s birthday the other day and my mom had used birthday candles saved in a old pill bottle…seriously what does a pack of birthday candles cost? I don’t even think they cost a dollar at the dollar store! I’m not kidding and Christmas last year was a big year, I got Cheez-its, mouth and face wash, socks, a sweater, some pants, and dental floss. Everything was deemed unnecessary and too expensive! My sister is just as bad her and my brother in law got me three litter boxes for my cats…seriously nothing else just three litter boxes which I’m pretty sure is a gift for my cats and not me!

Well I am assuming by now the people at Make a Wish want me to wrap this up soon so I can roll on out of here. Now this might shock you people especially because I am so incredibly good looking and all, but I have never had a lot of luck with the ladies until recently. I thought you were supposed to stop doing that stuff in your 20s, but every since I turned 30 I have been having to chase them off…seriously I know it’s probably hard to imagine, but try not to laugh too much. Now being naïve I always thought I would want to be in a relationship, but now that I actually have been I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy! Guys in the audience let me leave you with this advice, everything you say and do is wrong, she is always right and if you ever hear these dreadful words you are in HUGE trouble…ready…”IT’S FINE!” Guys, if a girl says that, then it really means go run to the storm shelter, put your head between your legs to kiss your butt goodbye and maybe, just maybe, if you are lucky you will somehow survive until FEMA or the Red Cross arrives.

Thank you so much! Goodnight! 

Did you like it? I hope so, at least I still have my balloons. Can you tell I've quit showering on Mondays? If not look at my hair in this photo. 

Also, I found out there is a swimmer for the US mens team named Ryan Held. He won a gold medal with Michael Phelps in some relay race the other night. Now I may or may not have pretended he's my cousin but sorry gold diggers and wanna be hangers on, I'm not actually related to him as far as I know. Then again, I know very little about my dads side of the family. I usually only see those relatives on Christmas, so I guess you never know. For those of you who don't know he was the one crying like a baby on the podium after the race. Even Michael Phelps looked like he was thinking "DUDE ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE!" Yeah maybe I don't want to be related to him. Here is a picture of him weeping. 

Meet me at Foxwoods!

Last night I went to one of my favorite places in the world..the CASINO! For once it wasn't to worsen my gambling problem although I did lose $100 but that was only thanks to my mom for giving me that money. Fuck you Big Bang Theory slot machine, I should of kept playing the Monopoly one that one at least kept paying. Instead it was to meet the must awesome super fantastic band in the world.. O-Town..if you don't know who they are like 75% of my workers.. please kill yourself. There a boy band from the early 2000s who had about 4 hit songs and were the original Making the Band band..before P-diddy came along and made it ghetto and horrible to watch. It was the theme of the concert tour a bunch of washed up pop singers from the late 90s/early 2000s besides O-Town there was also Dream, Ryan Cabrera (not sure how he fit into this group) and 98 Degrees aka the band of the former Mr. Jessica Simpson aka Nick Lachey. I already met O-Town once but OMG if you bought a shirt, poster or both you got to meet them after the show to. Of course I bought both and pretended one of the items was for my worker so I could have them sign both. I paid for it with my credit card before people bitch at me and including the concert tickets too. Did I mention I was the first one in line to meet them?!

 Here is a picture of me and awkward turtle with the guys from O-Town, and here is a selfie of me and my fav member of O-Town Erik Michael Estrada... who once dated the girl that plays Zenon in those Disney movies and then was on days and is now in General Hospital.

A funny thing happened on the way to meeting them. While my worker was waiting in the horribly long and slow merch line (it's what I pay them the big bucks for) this lady came up to me in the lobby and proceeded to have one of the most interesting convos with me ever. First she asked if I liked O-Town and liked their performance which of course I said Yeah it was Fucking awesome!!!!! Then she asked me if I thought Jacob Underwood was hot...for those that don't know he's one of the members from O-Town. I didn't really know what to say so I said yeah I guess.. and then she went oh you're straight?!?!? Don't know why she thought I was gay just because I was at a early 2000s boy band concert wearing a gold O-Town shirt with their poster sitting in my lap and another O-Town shirt behind me standing in line to meet them for 90 minutes.... wait I'm starting to see why now.  You see some funny shit when you are waiting in the lobby at a concert. I saw a drunk/high guy talk his way back into the concert after telling the security guard he would behave. Not even two minutes later his girlfriend comes running out saying were leaving with him following her and a dozen security guards following him. Then while I was standing in the O-Town line I saw another lady get kicked out of the concert and on her way out of the concert venue doors she threw a drink in the security guards face. I'm assuming she spent a night sleeping it off in Foxwoods Casino jail.

But the final adventure came when I was eating dinner after the concert. It was in the food court in the Fox Tower. I am sitting with awkward turtle when I see this guy rubbing an and hitting his mom I believe in the back. Then it looked like he was trying to help her not choke and I could hear her making choking noises. Meanwhile, everyone she was with is just kinda standing there starring at her along with the rest of the food court. At least one guy ran up to them and said my wife is a nurse here with me if you need her help. My favorite was the lady screaming across the food court RAISE YOUR ARMS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!! Um lady I doubt she's even calm enough to hear you say that and instead of shouting it why don't you come over and help her do it. So yeah I know I might have been a little dramatic but I made awkward turtle call 911 because I really didn't want to watch this lady die in front of me because no one else was really doing much. Foxwoods must have their own paramedic crew because as soon as awkward turtle called 911 3 of them showed up in about 5 minutes along with half a dozen foxwoods employees. Here's a picture of the stretcher.. don't worry I didn't put the lady in it to protect her identity.  They wanted to take her to the hospital but she refused so I guess she was okay.

Finally 98 Degrees official instagram liked my photo from last night here is proof!!!!!

Hypocrisy

Yeap I had to look up on google how to spell that. It's like my sixth grade spelling bee all over again. I was doing so well until I got the word gymnasium and then just like the rest of my life, it was all down hill. If I had known in 1997 it wouldn't get better maybe I would have just gave up then.


The sad part is I kind of looked like this in 1997

Anyway I was watching this docu-series on Netflix called "Last Chance University" it's about a junior college football program in Mississippi that basically builds a stacked team every season with guys that either have a criminal history or poor grades or lost their starting job at a top college football program so guys go there for two years to try ad work their way into a better college football program. Putting a group of 50-75 guys who are between the age of 18 and 21 together who all have troubled pasts and mostly come from troubled areas with troubled families, what could possibly go wrong? Just about everything you can think of and more. First of all, the head coach is a fat ass hole who pretends he cares about these guys but the second they cant play for him anymore I doubt he give two flying fucks about what happens to him unless they are one of his success stories. In one of the episodes he literally gets into a fist fight with a referee and gets suspended for two games. Later on in the series his entire team gets into a brawl with another team and he says how stupid and ghetto and thuggish they are. Um hello you're the one recruiting troubled youth to your football team because you want to win so badly. On top of that it is okay for you to fight a referee on the sidelines but they can't fight a team that is literally stomping one of their players into the ground? Maybe if it wasn't 48-0 and you called two times outs with a minute left in the first half, the other team wouldn't have started beating the crap out of your team. Great leader of troubled young men this guy is. Of course he still has his job despite fighting a referee, running up scores, allowing his team to brawl with another team so they had to forfeit the rest of their season, and basically use a bunch of derogatory terms for African Americans, which mostly made up that team, but yup he still has a job because it's Mississippi and he wins. This is why Donald Trump will be our next president!
 

Then there is the creepy academic advisor lady. She pretends to care about these kids too but she is basically a paid babysitter. Her job, I am not kidding, is to make sure these kids do their homework, don't have more than 4 absences from 1 class and "tutor" them. Besides the fact that every time she was on I got this grossed out feeling because I felt like she was either flirting with or screwing half that team, she helped half these guys get away with murder. See in order to play Division I football students have to have a 2.5 GPA in a certain amount of classes. Somehow these guys still passed when they had 4 absences in the first month of the semester while taking such difficult classes as human development, English, comp, and some type of life skills class. My dad worked with developmentally disabled people and they took harder classes and did better than them. Also, I thought the classes I took where I got to watch episodes of The Office, Family Guy, and 1 entire class just about the show Six Feet Under was a waste of time. This one player literally had over 20 tests and quizzes to make up and somehow was eligible to play the whole season and still got a scholarship to a Division I school as long as he graduated in May which I think he did. When I went to SCSU I failed two classes and got a D in another and nobody felt bad for me or bent over backwards to help me pass. I guess cause I can't catch a ball or run down a field fast. These are important life skills and you know what the best part is? My GPA at SCSU was still higher than a 2.5 and these fuckers only have a GPA of 2.5 to keep over four semesters. It's so hard playing football and getting a free education I feel so sorry for them. Oh wait, no I don't. And this is why Donald Trump will be our next president!

Then there was the players themselves. I never seen a bigger bunch of cry babies who are supposed to be grown ass men on the verge of making it to a top college football program if not the NFL. Besides the fact that it was a joke that they are considered students when they are only there to help the football team, I am pretty sure all the guys they focused on were drunk, high, barely literate or all three. One guy even had the balls to say while the cameras were still on to a college recruiter that he would only go to his school if he bribed him with a bunch of gifts. I don't know what was funnier, the fact that he was dumb enough to say that in front of a camera, or the fact that the recruiter pretended like his school doesn't do that. Dude there are more NCAA athletic violations for bribing athletes every season then money I have lost at the casino...and that's saying something. Then every time one of the players had to sit out with an injury or lost their starting job they would throw a temper tantrum, threaten to pack their stuff up and go home. Go home to what? This one guy lived in a neighborhood where there were drive by shootings every weekend and the top high school recruit from his home town died in a drug deal gone bad. Yeah I think I would stay in Mississippi getting my free education and college degree rather then return home to that, even if my football career ended there. Then there was the back up quarterback, he was the most brilliant of all. First of all, his name was Wyatt Roberts, really is there a more perfect name for a quarterback in a college in Mississippi. First he was mad because his whole first season there he had to serve as a backup to Jim Kelly's nephew. Oh yeah, if a guy is a relative of a hall of fame quarterback you are probably not going to start over him. Then he wins the job over a guy that transferred from Florida State but gets hurt. While he is hurt and before the team brawl, the guy from Florida State has a great game and gets recruited to Auburn, another top college football program. Wyatt being the genius that he is turns down scholarship offers to play football at Division II schools, yeah you probably wont get to the NFL there but you get a free education and are able to play football for two more years. Instead, he decides to quit football and become a full time student at Mississippi State. At least he is finishing college, but why would you give up a free education and two more years of playing football because of your pride? This is why Donald Trump will be our next president.

Finally, I know wrestling is fake but I like it anyways and I like trying to figure out whats going to happen. Most recently, a wrestler named Roman Reigns failed a drug test for WWE. He was suspended for 30 days and not allowed to appear on TV or at any shows during that time. Rumor has it the drug he tested positive for was Adderal. Not condoing the fact that he did it, but there is a lot worse drugs you could test positive for. Now another wrestler, who is way more famous and is also a UFC fighter named Brock Lesnar recently fought his first UFC fight in 5 years last month and won. After the match all the talked about was how dominant he was after a 5 year broke and WWE used it to promote his appearance at SummerSlam later this month. See Brock Lesnar is allowed to fight for WWE basically whenever he feels like it because he is also a recognizable name outside of WWE so they'll take him whenever they can get him. Now after his dominant UFC fight win that WWE was bragging about so much turns out he tested positive for steroids in his pre-fight drug test. He says it was because of an asthma medication he takes, but if thats true, then I also won the Australian lottery and now I have to get a Nigerian prince my bank account information. So of course now WWE does not talk about how he failed this test or how he won the UFC fight. But do you think he got suspended for 30 days? Hell no, his fight is still scheduled for Summerslam and he has been appearing all over TV for WWE and at their shows leading up to it. And this is why Donald Trump will be our next President!


Yeah hes not on steroids
                                      






  "I get no respect, no respect I tell ya"

Thunderpoop?

If it's not trademarked I am totally trademarking the title of this post. Also, I will be making a shirt soon to be sold on cripplecreation.com so feel free to buy one. Only $20 plus $5 for shipping. Here's a sample.




My life has gotten crazy. Still haven't found anyone to replace Gimpy or the mom. Every time I think I have something goes horribly horribly wrong. The first person I was going to hire replace them was really nice and I'm not trying to be a fat-ist AKA someone who discriminates against fat people, but it seriously affected her trying to help. I wasn't going to write about this but since all she does is ignore my texts and messages on facebook I guess I'll tell the funny version of what happened. A couple of weekends ago Big boobs McGee and I were training her to work for me. Now, keep in mind she was only working for 6 hours by herself after she was done training. Again, I honestly have nothing against fat people, being one of them myself, but after BBM was done giving me a shower we had the terrible idea of trying to have her get me dressed and in my chair. I know those are some sexy images to picture, but try to contain yourself! Anyways,  after I'm on the bed you have to sit me up and put me back down a few times to get me dressed. Well, one of those times she went to sit me up and it felt like I took another shower because her hands and arms were so sweaty and it got all over me. Now I'm a germaphob so it took everything I had not to freak out and have one of my Diva fits AKA a Handy-tantrum. I was so grossed out I wanted to scream and I couldn't say anything about it for like 10 more hours until she left. I was never so happy to see the creepy Canadian in my life. On top of that, there was barely enough room for her to get between my chair and the bed and for her to get behind my chair to get me in it. And that's what I get for still living in my same bedroom since I was 5. Anyway, it gets better. After she got me dressed and in my chair she was sweating so much she said she felt lightheaded and BBM had to go get her a cup of water and have her sit down. I know it is hard to get my fat-ass dressed and in my chair but dear god it looked like she ran a marathon after. Worst of all giving me a shower is the hardest part and somebody else did that for her. Then when she was feeding me my lunch she was still sweating and all she was doing was sitting in a chair feeding me which totally means I probably ate her sweat. I'm going to puke on awkward turtle now that I wrote this.

Speaking of gross stories, I went to the Mets game on Saturday. They lost like usual when I go but hey they added Jay Bruce and brought back John Niese so at least they're still trying, and they've won a whole one game in a row haha after losing 4 straight and falling out of the playoffs. So while I was eating my rat flavored hotdog, just kidding I bring my own food because I don't trust any of the food there. If they give me shit about it I just say I have special dietary needs and that stops them from yelling at me. But yeah it was raining so I went into the lounge to eat my dinner after the first two innings because ya know an electric wheelchair in the rain is not a good combo. While I was in there my worker and I purposely moved around some tables so we could clearly see one of the Tvs in there and keep watching the game. Surprisingly, even though we were in New York people were still nice enough to not get in the way of myself and the TV. Once in a while someone would come over and look out the window to see what was happening but they wouldn't stand there very long.  Until the annoying chick in the poncho and her boyfriend came along. First of all, this chick was standing there for like 45 minutes before her boyfriend showed up.  What the fuck was she doing in there by herself? I don't know! But also while she was waiting I saw her pick her nose which is always attractive to see women doing. Then, her douchebag boyfriend finally returns dressed like a total hipster AKA I don't think her likes her as much as she likes him if you get what I'm saying. But anyways the asshole just stands there in front of me so I can't see out the window or the TV. He finally realized to get out of my way when I took a snapchat of him and said fucking hipster get out of my way. Do I care if he heard me? Not really. But it's okay I saw him kiss his girlfriend after she picked her nose so thats pleasant to think about. Lets go METS! Also, I had a fan/admirer at the Mets game. Yes, he was really drunk and I'm pretty sure he was either a burn victim or army vet or both but it was still a weird moment. I had just finished eating my dinner and saw him looking at me so I already knew something weird was about to happen. Sure enough, he came up to my worker and I and asked how we knew each other because I thought he was just going to hit on her. Boy was I mistaken he was not a fan of her, he was a fan of me. Which, I don't blame him because I'm so awesome but even the wife is smart enough to not tell me how awesome she thinks I am because she already knows I have a very high opinion of myself. But he said he had met a disabled guy with no legs and admired how awesome and courageous he was... and like most able-bodied people I'm assuming that he thinks all us cripples know each other... sure I know a lot of them but there's like 5 in Alaska I still haven't met.  Also, while they may not work, I still have my legs but he felt he had to tell me that I was just as brave and awesome as that other guy. Apparently, I'm suppose to sit in the house crying to myself all day about being disabled and how awful it is... wait sometimes I do do that... maybe he had a point! Lets go Mets!

Finally there was my fun weekend adventure. Now, I will take 50% of the responsibility for this because I knew the girl I had come in Friday and Sunday during the day worked/still works at a strip club as a stripper... but my mom had to go to work on Friday and nobody else was available to help me during those two days. Plus, I thought she would somewhat know what to do because she worked as a PCA for a guy I know that went to the same summer camp as me. Looking back on it now I wonder how that ended. You're about to read why. First, she was suppose to be here at 8am on Friday and showed up at 8:30 and didn't even apologize to my mom for making her late to work. Then on top of that I had my mom write her a check for $240 which is about 20 hours pay when she was only working 13. In my defense, she was driving from Mass and she agreed to come at the last minute so I had to do what I had to do to get someone here. Also, when my mom pays people it is every other Tuesday by check and if I pay you through the state company I use they pay every other Friday. So either way you normally have to wait for your money and the max salary per hour is $13.50. So not only did I pay her right away but she got way more than she should have... and then she has the balls to ask my mom if she can have it all in cash instead of a check. I know "you owed someone money" but my mom is an accountant she's not going to do anything off the books especially if it's to pay off your drug dealer!  Plus, this is not the strip club my moms not going to be carrying around 240 in cash. If she did I probably would have stole it by now to go gambling. kidding...but not really! Also, by the time she got me showered, dressed, and in my chair that day it was 6pm... and I finished my am pills and "lunch" right before 9pm. I figured there was a reason why my mom stayed out of the house all day that day. Then, on Sunday at least she woke me up at noon instead of 2:30pm. However, as soon as she did and I sat up in my bed she complained that she had such sharp shoulder pain that she could barely breathe. Even my mom knew she was still drunk/hungover or strung out/withdrawing from something. But of course she had to leave which my left my mom to take care of me from 12 until the next person came at 7. Good thing it was the weekend so she didn't have to work and she hadn't gone out that day. Otherwise Flappy, Miley and Charlie would have really had to learn how to take care of me. Or I would have been sitting in my bed by myself for 7 hours. Because she gave no fucks and when BBM tried to text her to confront her about it today all she wrote was lol and then blocked BBM's number. You say you want to quit being a stripper and straighten your life out yet you act like a selfish bitch. No wonder BBM and her other friend want nothing to do with you anymore. Keep going down this road and not only will you not have any friends, but you won't have a job and you'll be living with her on/off again crackhead boyfriend in a van down by the river giving $20 handjobs for crack. Either that or the next logical step is from being a stripper to a porn star. This is what I get when I try to be nice and try to help people turn their life around. This is why I hate people even though I'm forced to have them help me. Most people just want to help me so they can feel better about themselves.

Here's a selfie that my cat took of himself he's so vain. Until next time America, don't forget to thunderpoop! Ps. dolphins are rapists.

So I found out I'm 100% Jewish

I took this quiz on Facebook and I found out that I got a perfect score. I don't know why I know what all these Yiddish terms mean but I guess I speak the language of the Jews, growing up in Cheshire CT will do that. Okay and the worker that helped me take it is also Jewish. But that's not the point, clearly I was paired with the wrong religion. I went to a bar mitzvah when I was thirteen, I even wore a yamikah. They even make Mets ones, I've seen people wearing them at the games! #JewPride

So I think I started drinking too much. You know its bad when the wife leaves this note on your bottle of Captain Morgan. Plus I'm pretty sure I snap chatted things I shouldn't have snap chatted. Good thing they delete after 10 seconds or so, but ya know I heard the NSA still can get access to them. The poor bastard that opens that up. Plus on Tuesday night I was trying to convince my worker to drive me to the casino at midnight. Somehow I ended up in the parking lot at Midstate medical center, don't know why I thought it was a good idea to go there. But my worker caught some great Pokemon on Pokemon go. From there we did a drive by of Gimpys house and honked the horn at 12:30 in the morning, you're welcome Gimpy's neighbors. I then believe I went to the truck stop in Southington before ending up at 7/11 in Cheshire. We then watched a movie on Netflix about a girl with OCD who worked at a hotel and laid under beds while guests were doing it and somehow this made her get into bondage and become a lesbian. Oh yeah, they spoke in German the whole time, did I mention I was eating ramen noodles with Cheeze-its and drinking apple juice? It made a lot more sense to me at the time. I finally stumbled into bed at around 4 am. Why did I wait until I was almost 31 to become an alcoholic. Besides the wife is moving to North Carolina in November, Gimpy and the mom up and peaced on me this week and the person I hired to replace them decided to text me at 1:00 am when they were supposed to be here at 9:00 to say they wouldn't take the job because they were "overwhelmed". Jesus I know I am good looking, but I didn't think it would be too overwhelming that girls couldn't work for me. Maybe it's just because I'm a raging asshole and piss every worker off who reads this. But between that, the wife moving, awkward turtle and big boobs, getting real jobs at the end of the summer I'm just fed up with trying to find people to help me 24/7. I heard the care in state run nursing homes is terrible and psych hospitals, but at least I know I would be miserable and never be happy so I wouldn't keep waiting for things to get better. See this is what happens when my mom cuts me off from gambling, I become a raging dunk asshole who nobody wants to help anymore. Here's the note:

Finally if you want some good comedic television watch the Republican National Convention, it's the only thing I've seen that's whiter than me and I feel like I am an Albino. The only black guy I saw there so far was assisting Bob Dole. Dude lost to Bill Clinton in '96 and is now 93 years old, getting brought up on stage by the one token black guy that was only there to help him. To further disrespect him, they were blaring music and talking in the background the whole time during his speech. But they have to drag his Viagra loving ass, yes he did a Viagra commercial, on stage because the bigger republican names want nothing to do with this years convention because of the human Cheeto, I mean Donald Trump, that they nominated for president. Seriously look at him and then you can probably figure out why the Bushes, senior and junior, and lets not forgot the reject brother Jed, Mitt Romney, John McCain and the governor of Ohio, ya know where the conventions being held, are all not in attendance. The governor of Ohio is so pissed because he lost to Trump and now he has to help organize the convention to nominate him. Sucks to be you bro but wipe the sand out of your mangina and suck it up. It's like I told the wife today, I give up everything you say is right everything you tell me to do is right, and where ever you want to go or not go is the correct place. Let's not forget Melania, not only did she flat out rip off Michelle Obama's speech from the 2008 Democratic National Convention but she dressed like Caitlyn Jenner to do it, but seriously look up her outfit and Caitlyns from the 2015 ESPY awards. See...?

Plus did anybody find it ironic that Trump wants to build a wall to keep out all the Mexicans and ban Muslims from living in the US yet I'm pretty sure his wife is deff not from this country because I can barely understand a fucking word that comes out of her mouth. Don't worry I hate Hilary too, and I will be writing a blog making fun of the DNC next week so far my vote is going to the fresh seafood CEO who keeps having commercials to vote for him for president during Red Sox games. Seems like a totally great idea.

Sit Down Comedian

I am suppose to be writing jokes for my sit down comedy debut on Wednesday but I'm putting it off. They say procrastination is like masturbation, in the end you're just fucking yourself! Yup I won't be using that one. It's suppose to be a charity fundraiser/open mic so I'm trying to keep it PG-13 at worst. I'm feeling fat and depressed today anyways. Most fat, somewhat depressed. My comedic inspiration is leaving because I guess I pissed her off too much. I have a tendency to do that pretty easily. I shall miss her limp and buttface. Who knows, maybe whoever comes along to replace her and possibly the Mom will be even funnier. No I didn't piss the mom off too she just might have to stay at home for a while watching her kid so he doesn't keep getting poop diseases, or Zika virus, or swine/bird flu, or whatever fucking illnesses people are freaking out about these days.


I'm also in a lovely mood today because my jackass of a neighbor decided to start doing construction on his house at 8am on a Sunday morning. First of all, who the fuck does construction starting on a Sunday? Second of all, why were you up so fucking early? Luckily, for now I think it is only a new walkway and steps leading up to his front door. But when you have your windows open and about 100 feet away somebodys sledgehammering, jackhammering, and I don't even know what the fuck else. It's mad annoying! This is the same neighbor that has a dog and despite the weather decides to leave it outside half the time when him and his wife are not home. Therefore, I get to hear their fucking dog bark because he wants to go in and it goes on throughout the whole day. Maybe I'll call animal control just to get them back because I'm pretty sure a dog should not be left outside during the day when it is 90 degrees in July. Oh, and before they got an electric fence for it, they used to just let the dog wander around the neighborhood. Clearly, you do not want this dog, especially if you had a baby so why do you still have it? Unfortunately, Miley or Flappy never fought with him but my sister's dog Teddy did once. The wife practically had to pull Teddy off the neighbors dog because he just sat there and watched and gave no fucks! I'm thinking about hanging up a sign in my bedroom windows that face his house, one will say fuck and the other will say  you!

Plus my mom decided to work out on the treadmill at 8:30 in the morning. It wouldn't be so bad but she turns the volume up full blast on the TV so she can hear it over the treadmill. The door to the basement is also left wide open so after going to bed at 2am because I went to the Mets game last night, I got woken up first at 8am to crashing and banging noises by my neighbor and then a half hour later rewoken up by some crappy Hallmark channel movie! Seriously why are all you crackers up at the ass crack of dawn on a Sunday. Luckily I can sleep through anything, yup I've slept through hurricanes and massive thunderstorms, so after I fell back asleep somehow I slept til 1 haha.

Surprisingly nothing weird happened at the Mets game last night. I didn't get two flat tires driving on the way home. I didn't get a toll booth operator trying to commit suicide by van, followed by a guy from California trying to use an EZ pass that probably expired in 1998. I didn't almost run over a drunk guy trying to impress girls by doing the worm. And I did not upset a random women that works in the Amtrak lounge by moving the chair and not putting it back in the right spot... yes that really happened. However, I did go to a Bees game in New Britain on Friday night and got the crap scared out of me! Why? Well, it might have to do with the fact that THIS was sitting in front of me!

 Yup, it was a three year old Ginger kid... sure he looks cute but he just does that to fool you. Ok, so I'm an asshole and yelled during the game "don't eat my soul"... as if I still have one. But I'm pretty sure his dad didn't hear me or know what I was talking about anyways. Besides, his dad and the other dad, he was there with were horrible fathers! The other dad decided to announce that his two kids had to take a number one and two during the middle of the game. Uhhh, dude nobody wanted to know that. Then he kept telling his kid his own three year old child, not a ginger thank god, that every time a flyball was hit to yell from the windows ..."to the wall". Sir, I'm not sure if you're familiar with the rest of that song, but after that sentence it goes "til the sweat drips down my balls skeet skeet skeet". For those of you don't know I'm not explaining it, but I'll put it this way, that is a song that they are always playing at the strip club! Special shout-out to that lady in the black tank top. She sounded like she smokes a carton a day and was plowing through beers like Flappy plows through cat food. Seriously, she was so fucked up that when she talked it sounded like Chewbacca and Stephen Hawking had a child and it talked like both of them. I couldn't tell you what she was saying but it sounded like the time I ran Flappy's tail over if Flappy was a chainsmoker! It was also really hot to hear here cough up a lung into her beer. Seriously even the lady sitting next to her looked at her to say ma'am are you alright it appears that you are dying. I bet that beer was extra tasty with the lung butter flavored mucus in it. You're welcome for that visual image!

 By the way here's a great photo of me. Don't I look fedorable??

And she's back

Yupppp, Gimpy is back and her curse has already taken effect on me. Originally in my last blog post I wrote something weird/bad was bound to happen since she was taking me to the Mets game last night, and sure enough it did. How did I know? Because this chick is a walking, I mean gimping, disaster! Lets see in the last 3 years she's had a creepy stalker, lost part of her foot in a bad accident that had to be reattached, had more surgeries than I can count, got hand foot and mouth disease even though she is an adult and it generally only affects young children, fell of a 5 foot rock ledge in Spain, hurting her good foot, and has attended more funerals in the year that I've known her than I have in my entire life.  Sooo when she woke me up this morning to tell me that the van had two flat tires, and triple AAA came to put the donut on and that was also flat, was I surprised? Hell no! In her defense, she did tell me a light came on the dashboard when we were driving home. However, neither one of us knew what it ment and I couldn't exactly pull over on the Merritt Parkway in Greenwich at 11:30 at night. First of all, if your not familiar with our shitty highway system in CT the Merritt Parkway is pretty much a death trap. It is 2 lanes and half the exits you have to come to a complete stop when getting on or off the highway. If that isn't bad enough, there are hardly any street lights on the highway and it is surrounded by trees, so every year at least a few fall down, killing people driving by. There's also hardly any room to pull over, even the cops are rarely on that highway pulling people over. Therefore, if I did pull over at 11:30 on a Saturday night during 4th of July weekend, I can pretty much guarantee some drunk asshole would have plowed into us and most likely killed me and somehow Gimpy would have still survived. For the record, the Merritt Parkway is one of the deadliest highways in the United States, I'm not kidding, look it up! Plus what was I suppose to do? Spend the night in Greenwich with Gimpy while sleeping in my wheelchair? First of all, I'm way too poor for that. Second, Gimpy is so OCD about germs that she won't even sleep in my guest bedroom at my house even though she was here for 30 consecutive hours, never mind a random ass hotel room. Plus, I'm pretty sure every auto repair shop is probably closed til Tuesday because of the 4th of July. I could have done what I'm assuming the majority of my workers do, called a cab/uber and then once it dropped us off have Gimpy limp away and myself drive away as fast as possible without paying! Something tells me that wouldn't have worked anyways. My hand probably would have fallen off my controller, my head would have fallen down, and Gimpy would have probably gotten her Gimpy foot run over by me. Or injured her good foot somehow. Here's a picture of the cripple van even more crippled... don't worry this of course is all my fault and then my mom wonders why I want to move out. Go ahead and cut me off and try not to pay for overnight help and sell the van, see if I care because I'm tired of putting up with this bullshit! Poor Charlie will get blamed for everything when I'm not around.

 Oh yeah, I also found out why Gimpy won't eat at my house. She is afraid that my cats will lay on her food while she is eating... says the chick that has two dogs and a cat living in her house. My house is too dirty to eat in because my cats might get into your food, which for the record, they have never gotten into any of my workers food, but your animals are perfectly fine to eat in front of. That makes no sense. Chick needs a shrink. She can't eat, sleep, or poop in anyone else's house but her own, because she is such a germaphobe. Plus, while we were at the Mets game last night she decided to share with me out loud during the game that her aunt Flo came for her monthly visit and she didn't have anything to help with that so she had to shove paper towels down her pants! Yum, just what I was wanting to think about and picture while I'm eating dinner! So then she adds, well at least that means I'm not pregnant. Ewww Gimpy nobody wants to think about you having sex! On top of that, while she is making my lunch today she decided to tell me that she has to run to the bathroom because she might be bloody mary through all her clothes. SO FUCKING NASTY! Why can't she just be like everyone else that works for me and go to the bathroom without telling me why. Like seriously I don't need to know. Last Gimpy story, last night she scratched my hand with the metal part of my seat belt and yelled at me for complaining it hurt, but then when she was getting me ready for bed I scratched her arm by accident with my finger nail and then I had to listen to her complain about how much it hurt.

Then there was the annoying toll booth attendant on the way to the game and on the way home. I'm not kidding, Gimpy and I are 99% sure it was the same guy and he walked in front of the van each way as we were about to go through. Did he have a death wish? Also, was he like ooohh a cripple van let me keep running in front of it to see how quick they can stop and watch the disabled guy's head fall down. It gets better though, because on the way home, this asshole from California, or at least their license plate was from California, could not get their EZ pass to work at the toll. Gimpy and I were legit sitting behind this guy for 5 minutes. I made her angrily honk the horn three times, why? I don't know but it made me feel better for how annoying and stupid and slow he was. Of course, who comes walking over in front of the van to help him? Toll booth attendant that likes to play dodge the cripple van! And he was no help either. It took him more time to figure out how to get this car through the toll then if the guy just floored it and broke the gate. I'm surprised the guy in the car in front of us did not try that, he was so intelligent. When his EZ pass would not work, he tried to back out of the toll lane even though there was a line of cars behind us and when were about to go across the Whitestone Bridge. Um, dude you cannot back up in a toll lane. I am pretty sure there are signs and laws against it, especially in New York, plus they have tolls in California so I am pretty sure that they probably have those laws there too. Plus of course we would pick this lane to go through since Gimpy was driving haha! Here's a picture of the stupid asshole!