Fuck ya Chicken Strips

Now that I want to eat them, I figured I would say what up world since I haven't written in this beautiful thing in  about a week. Did you miss me? I would miss me. I've just been working really hard to get my beach body for the summer. Who wouldn't wanna see this rolling around in a swimsuit on the beach? Hey somehow I won over the wife, yeah still don't understand that one myself. Ya know, I got in trouble this week because she read all the complaining I did about her on here. Yeah, I guess I feel kind of bad. I do love her and care about her but ya know she also drives me nuts to the point where I'll probably end up in the psych ward with a straight jacket on bouncing my wheelchair off the padded walls saying, "there is the wife" as I repeatedly slam my chair off the walls. But hey I'm proud of myself, my lazy ass did a lot this week. I went to the doctor and found out my diabetes is a lot better so I only have to take my pill once a day now instead of twice. So much for my backup career as a Wilford Brimley impersonator saying "I have die-beetuhs!" Pretty sure it's just the pill making it better because I still don't eat that great. I went from getting blackout drunk everyday to just once a week. Just Kidding, or am I? I can't help it I love drinking hand sanitizer, its just so delicious! On Wednesday, I got my lazy ass up and to a New Britain Bees game to cover it at 10:30 in the morning. Amazing, I know.  It is one of those bring all the brats from local school games so that's why it was so frieking early in the morning. My favorite part was when the kids would chant "lets go Bees" because it didn't actually sound like that, it sounded like they were chanting "S O Bs" which is much better in my opinion. Then I had to rush out of there to bring my spazz cat to the vet because she had licked her fur so much it looked like she has a mullet on her back or a Mohawk. I'm not really sure, they think she is doing it so much because she has allergies either environmental or food.  And she also has Alopecia. Leave it to me to pick that special of a cat but I guess that's what I get for naming her after Miley Cyrus. That's ok, Flappy is even more special, he was fighting with a tree yesterday. I shit you not. He was legit backing up and yelping at a tree. I'm pretty sure the tree won that fight. Sadly, I'm not surprised. And lets not forget the 3rd cat Charles, who runs for the hills every time the doorbell or phone rings. I mean I get it, they're pretty fucking scary, but have I ever had an animal that's not a fruit pie? Nope! Oh, and finally on Thursday I went to the pulmonologist and guess what people? In honor of Prince kicking the bucket, I know longer have to celebrate in a bed like its 1999. That's right, I got a prescription for a new hospital bed. Goodbye 13 year old me memories and hello to new adventures with the wife. How many people just threw up reading that? Even I did a little bit!

I also have to say/be embarrassed to admit that I have enjoyed watching the first season of Fuller House on Netflix.  Maybe it's because I'm old now but the new version seems funnier and edgier so it appeals to kids and adults. I'm surprised the girl that plays DJ agreed to it since she is a huge bible humper. Her brother is worse, that turdbucket made it so hard to work with him on Growing Pains that they cancelled the show just to stop having to work with him. That and Tracy Gold stopped eating but I'm pretty sure the kid who played Ben made up for it. If you see him now, he looks like a bloated Dennis the Menace. But anyways, Kirk Cameron is all Jesusy now even though he partied at the Playboy mansion and did mad drugs in his 80s heyday! I even read that he made a movie and some other actress played his wife, but at the end scene when they kiss he made his real life wife stand in for her. That and he had the girl who played his original girlfriend on Growing Pains get fired from the show for being in Playboy even though he partied there before he drank the Kool-Aid. No wonder Boner killed himself! By the way how the fuck did they get away with his best friend on Growing Pains being named Boner? I'm surprised Jesus McBible humper didn't have a problem with that too. Or maybe he did and that's why they want you to think Boner killed himself in the park, but it was secretly the Catholic mafia. I am onto you Kirk Cameron.

By the way, when I kept telling my worker to write Playboy, she kept writing Playbody. Including right now writing this sentence. I know I'm old as you can find porn just by typing a few words these days but.. in my day, you had to work for your porn. And people knew it was playboy not playbody! This is what I'm working with folks.

Finally, I have also been watching the first 2 seasons of Girl Meets World on Netflix. Yes, it originally airs on the Disney channel so it has its cheesy as hell moments, but it's great for this 90s kid who grew up watching the original Boy Meets World. Plus, they have managed to bring back just about every character from the original series for at least a few episodes so it's good to see what they look like now. Also, it is easier than looking them up on google or in People magazine's where are they now to see what ever happened to them. Besides, who reads anymore? Besides this beautiful blog and my great articles that I write for the New Britain Independent. Free shameless plug! Now I'm off to write my third letter to Pamela Smart, her and I are pen pals now, jealous? I bet you are. And if you aren't look it up, or look up who she is and you will be perhaps, if your as crazy as I am. Until next time America... remember when Maury Povich used to be a respected journalist and talk show host?... You are not the father. And yeah I don't remember either!

So I'm pretty sure there are definitely dead bodies of adults and children in that creepy house up the street. I showed the Mom today and she agreed that further investigation is needed. That's for another day. I'd post a picture of the house on here but I'm afraid someone would see and say something. According to Zillow there is no information available as to when the house was last purchased or how much. I'm starting to think the Uni-bomber's brother resides in the house. This def needs more investigation but we know how helpful the cops are in this town. Somewhere in between if it involves picking up roadkill, breaking up high school parties, sitting at Dunkin Donuts all night and standing outside doing nothing while a Mom and 2 daughters are being raped, strangled and burnt.

Not much else exciting is happening in my life right now. The highlight of my day was coughing up a lung for an hour this morning, driving to Ikea in New Haven and finding out that Redbox had the movie I wanted in it. With that I am officially old. Oh and I got asked a 1,000 times why I sold my Monday night Raw tickets for this coming Monday. Um because I'm poor as fuck never mind dealing with the Wife bitching at me all night that night and having to pay for parking and gas. Because God forbid she ever pays for anything. Plus, I'm sorry you are also physically disabled and don't have a wheelchair van to get around but I'm not your personal Uber. My van can't even handle driving 70 on the highway never mind the drive from Cheshire to Durham, then to Hartford and back to Durham and finally home. Fuck if I make it to Brooklyn and back for Summerslam without blowing up I will be happy! I'm sorry you feel the need to look up my Craigslist ad and ask why it's still posted? Do you really think I would go through that much to lie about not going? I know since I got financially cut off my life has gotten boring but I'm not gonna work that hard to lie about something. But my friend you are allowed to go look at where I was supposed to sit (because I'm sure you already know) and see a father and son sitting there. Not the Wife and I. Also why does it matter how I'm going to be able to pay you next week for my Summerslam ticket? Ya know my SSI comes on the 3rd of every month I'm gonna start making a whopping $5.00-10.00 a story soon writing for The New Britain Independent. And lets not forget all the random shit I find to sell. But no actually I've turned to cripple porn and prostituting to make some money. I even started my own company it is called Wheel Bangers and I have all my workers do all the filming and editing to save some money. Who says you don't learn things while working for me. Gonna go bang my way across Connecticut now. Look for my first title called Robert does Redding! Any day now!

Sometimes I Envy Roadkill

For real though, roadkill gets squashed quickly and then its all over with. If only it were that simple sometimes. So the other day I interviewed someone interesting who wanted to work for me. At first I thought it was someone playing a joke on me because they said they were a cheerleading captain and nursing student in college but somehow were available to help me around 40 hours a week. Then she showed up and I regretted immediately telling her where I lived. First, she asked me how often I shower a week. First of all, I might be handicapped but I'm not okay with smelling like a butthole.  I shower everyday, thank you!  For some reason I don't know why she thought I only shower once a week, did I look and smell that bad? On second thought maybe I did haha. She also asked my eating schedule for some reason. If you're going to work for me why does it matter when I shower or eat? It's going to be a part of your job no matter when you come. Despite telling her I work as a reporter does she still think I'm so dumb that I'm okay with showering weekly and eating dinner at 4pm like a 90 year old?  Yeah, that ain't happening. I should've known she sucked when she said she couldn't work overnights because she loved her sleep too much.  Good luck chick when you get married, have a real job, and have kids.

I'd rather have the creepy guy who lives up the street that has no mailbox, never turns any lights on, and always has tons of trash put out every week take care of me.  But for real this guy exists in my neighborhood.  I very rarely have seen him outside of pulling in and out of his garage in his car but he kind of looks like the homeless guy from the first home alone movie from what I have seen of him. Scary enough, I have been told he is a music teacher so his students are probably in the walls of his house. I did see two cop cars drive by my house about 30 seconds apart today, maybe they finally got that anonymous tip about all the sketchy stuff happening up my street. Either that or he died 3 months ago and his neighbors next door finally noticed the smell or heard his cats eating him. At least I know when I go, if nobody finds me for a while, that my cats will have no problem eating me because they're all a bunch of fat asses!

I watched a creepy movie with Gimpy about a possessed doll named Robert. Apparently there really is a doll named Robert that is haunted that is currently residing in a museum in Key West Florida. As if I wasn't dying enough to visit/live in Florida, now I really want to go. The movie actually wasn't scary at all, in fact it was so lame it was funny. Especially the end when the doll knocks the dad unconscious with a baseball bat and then approaches the mom who just sits there in the corner screaming at it. Um hello, its a doll that's about a foot tall, punt it across your house. Instead, stupid bitch had to wait for her husband to regain consciousness before he threw a knife through its little doll heart and killed it.  I shit you not, but it was all for nothing because the doll had already possessed the son and he stabs the father to death 3 weeks later while the mom just sits at the bottom of the stairs screaming this time.  Good god I hope she died too because she was so fucking annoying! Here's what the real Robert the doll looks like

Finally, I went to go change the top of my electric toothbrush today and this is what I found in the drawer.  This is why the people that work for me drive me insane. First of all, why could no one tell me I was out of replacements? Second of all, why the fuck did somebody put the empty container back in the drawer? Were they just hoping I would never notice, or thinking the toothfairy would magically restock them? Christ on a cracker!

Fecal matter

That's about how I feel about this day today..where to begin? Let's see how about the fact that my mom and sister are currently partying up on a cruise somewhere in the Caribbean while i'm stuck in crappy Cheshire CT.  Ya know they get nice weather, great food, endless drinks, pools, water slides, and casinos while I get stuck like a pig for no reason and spend my afternoon at the cemetery seeing where I will be put for the rest of eternity. Because I am fat and eat crap food I have to get my blood drawn every 3 months or so to see how my diabetes is progressing. Well I am going to my doctor next week so I thought I would try to do something productive today and get my blood drawn. Stupid me thought it would work. Apparently they are only allowed to stick me twice and since it was unsuccessful I have to go back again and this time I get to bring my piss in a cup. With my luck knowing the geniuses that work for me they will prob spill the piss all over my van on the way there. That's okay it just adds to the greatness that is Penelope aka crap van. I have to take it in for about 8 thousand repairs. I'm guessing it's going to take about a week to fix if I'm lucky. Yup my family insists it runs fine, even though the lift door always gets stuck, the lift never comes out or folds back in, the heat and air conditioning are on their way out, there are two mini cracks in the windshield that is the latest thing I've noticed, it needs an oil change, and oh yeah it violently shakes with the lift rattling if you drive over 40mph on a good day! But yeah it's all good man..

Speaking of it is all good man let's not forget the brilliance of the wife. Sure I know shes the pretty one and I'm the smart one but she doesn't even know what or where the tab key is on the computer keyboard, still thinks Hitler is alive, and still doesn't know her work schedule for me despite it being the same since January but hey that would require her to know what month, day of the week and hell even year it is. I know that's asking a lot. That's like tomorrow I thought she was coming at 4pm and staying until 8am Friday morning because I have to go cover a baseball game in New Britain at 6:30pm and probably won't be home until 10 or 11pm.  But you know what happens when you assume with the wife. She makes an ass out of you and me mostly me. You would think she would want to make my life easier since ya know her job is to assist me but nah she don't care. She on welfare. Okay not really but it's probably headed that way because her working for me is an awful terrible stupid idea. Never shit where you eat. Seriously I am going to have a heart attack by the age of 33, she raises my blood pressure every time she is here. Yeah she will deny that she ever agreed to it and of course conveniently can't remember telling me just last week oh if you ever need someone to come at 4pm and stay until the next morning I'll do it...of course she doesn't remember saying that. But hey this the girl that tries to get out of working the day after I pay her internet and cable bill, and never invites me on her birthday to go anywhere and than wonders why I think she uses me and just pretends to care about me. Maybe one day she will take her head out of her own ass and realize how much I do for her and stop treating me like a dog turd on the bottom of her shoe.  But stupid me will forgive her, move on and be like oh I love her so much and then I'll wonder why the same cycle keeps happening in about 2 weeks. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I feel like I am currently living that definition.

Finally. I am probably going to get hand foot and mouth disease from gimpy tomorrow! Why because I can't ask the mom to work every shift for me, I can't ask awkward turtle because she will just stare at me, just kidding she has her internship, can't ask big boobs because god for bid she doesn't spend one long weekend dressed like a whore partying at Coachella. But don't worry next time she does decide to show up to work she will complain that she has no money. Well bitch stop going on so many fucking vacations. Of course hand foot and mouth disease is highly contagious but I don't have a choice because my mom is in a different country, the creepy Canadian is being Catie. Jesus girl has bible study... and I've devoted lots of time to stating how useless the wife is. Yup I am a genius for hiring all of these fuckers. I decided I am hiring the fat Jamaican lady who was working at Quest today she was hilarious and I thought I was hilarious because I was making fun of the wife the whole time.  Sure she can't draw my blood and that's her job but who works for me now and does a proper job? At least I'll be entertained and she can predict my future! Yup I am only going to be the only fucking 30 year old to get hand foot and mouth disease who doesn't have a child that I am aware of anyways. I did some crazy things in Vietnam. Seriously gimpy stop touching poop and your mouth and eyes! How the fuck did you even get it? You're 23 and don't have a child either. And when I get it I'm sure my mom will somehow blame me for getting it despite not really having a choice but having to be around gimpy unless my cats team up and learn how to take care of me but I think I am a little to heavy for them to lift. So yeah if you need me my next post will be from the psych ward at Midstate Medical Center

Mad cow disease

How you doin world? It's 2:30am and I'm a weirdo writing this. So I was watching Lockup on MSNBC ... cause ya know that's what normal people do at 1:30am in the morning. What? It makes me feel better about my own life. But I did learn something interesting, apparently if I go to prison in a certain county in Oklahoma I get my own special cell. Not kidding this guy was in a hallway full of cells after he got the crap beat out of him and every cell door had a handicapped symbol on them. What is going on in Oklahoma that so many of my people are getting arrested? Sure? I figured I will probably end up in one one day but I thought maybe I would just get house arrest because they would have no where to put me or take care of me, but now I know I'm wrong. Good thing I stopped gambling as much, but instead I started writing letters to famous prisoners.

Speaking of I got a response from Pamela Smart. She is currently serving a life sentence at a prison in upstate New York. Why? Because when she was a teacher at a high school in the early 90's she had an affair with one of her students and then got him and his friends to kill her husband. Hey I don't blame the guy she was fucking hot in her day. Where were these teachers when I was 17? Just kidding, or am I? The only part I think is messed up is the guys who actually took the gun, went in the house and shot her husband already got out of prison while she is serving life without parole. I mean there is a slight difference between her and Charles Manson ... don't worry I wrote him too. And I even put a batman stamp on his letter so it will stand out. Wheels crossed I get a response from Crazy Charlie. The other ones I wrote to were the guy who killed John Lennon, the Son Of Sam killer and ya know some guy as a kid that bashed another kids head in with a rock. All he sent me was a Jesus pamphlet... that is a bit Ironic cause I'm sure he is going straight to Hell. This is why I don't get religion a kid bashes another kid's head in with a rock and sodomizes him with a tree branch but because he told God he is sorry all is forgiven and now he can go to Heaven? Yeah not that I think much happens after we kick it, but if it does don't think saying I'm Sorry is going to get God to forgive all that at least not what I was taught growing up. It's more like I know I ruined this life so if there is an after life hopefully somehow I can redeem myself there. It's like drunks, and addicts when they give up their addiction just to become addicted to religion ... I'm looking at you Jesse Morrell. This kid and yes in my opinion he is just a kid, even though he has a wife and unfortunately children, was the biggest drug addict/jail bird I knew growing up. He did not even finish high school with my class like he was supposed to because of all his problems. Now he goes around to college campuses all over the US preaching his word and only his interpretation of the Bible. First of all, you are 30 stop going to colleges and trying to bang co-eds creep. Second of all, he literally believes you are pretty much going to Hell if you listen to Rap music, smoke weed, are not submissive to your husband, watch any current TV show or movie and if you have any type of sex ever. So you are telling me Mr. Morrell that you have only had sex 3 times in your life because you have 3 children. Again I knew you when we were kids, you were doing a lot more than just having premarital sex. It's okay though you get your ass kicked about once a month now because of all the crazy bullshit you say to purposely piss people off, while somehow justifying it with the Bible and wondering why you got attacked. Who knows, maybe you're on one of those crazy people who gets off on getting their ass kicked! Either that or since you don't get high anymore but are still unhappy with your life you get your high by making everyone feel just as miserable as you do. I really hope you read this I'd love to see your crazy ass response to it!

Finally there is Gimpy who is just sad once again. Somehow, she got hand, foot and mouth disease from her cousin's baby. I thought it was hoove and mouth disease and only affected cows. Also, it usually only affects small children, but somehow she still managed to get it. Gross picture at the end. She claims she got it from her cousin's baby but after looking it up me thinks she got it from taking a big old poo and not washing her hands after. Look it up, just like Pink Eye. This is one of the causes. Best part is you can have it for 3-7 days without showing any symptoms. And guess who saw her within the last week? This crip... WTF MAN! If I get some creepy cow disease from shit hands I'm gonna run over the one good foot she has left, because oh yeah I forgot to mention it's highly contagious! Poor Gimpy, tries to lose a foot by going 80 miles an hour into the back of a parked van in a go-cart, then after her 7,638 surgery she gets a chemical burn all over her body from the pool at the rehab hospital and now this shit.  I thought I might have been Hitler in a past life cause of all the shit I have gone through, well maybe it was Gimpy. Either that or she was Hitler's wife. Eww I don't wanna be married to Gimpy past life or present. Good night America before the female version of Charles Manson tries to kill me for staying up all night.





Gimpy's herpes and my response:

And in other news my sister and brother in law are still assholes

Thanks for hacking me brother in law and deleting all my shit but next time do a better job of deleting everything. And sister stay out of my Facebook unless you wanna find shit you didn't wanna know about me. Full disclosure here is what there is to know: I'm overweight, physically disabled, 30 year old man still living with his Mom in the god awful place of Cheshire CT, who has 2 useless college degrees but somehow just got a job writing again, and enjoys strippers, gambling, skanks, sports, sluts, movies and oh did I mention fetish porn? Particularly feet and armpits ... sorry Mom. Your son is a freak. Just kidding I'm more into clown porn these days, and people think I'm joking, but am I? Aren't you glad you learned that about your brother?

In other news there was human urine all over my house yesterday ... don't worry there is a photo to prove it... and don't worry surprisingly Gimpy cleaned it and me up without me having to ask. I don't wanna get too detailed into my bathroom habits unless you have some cripple bathroom porn fetishes and wanna pay me for them then let me know. Long story short I was taking a whiz when suddenly I heard a dripping sound on the floor. Yup, somehow my piss was getting all over the floor. And not just the floor oh no no no. On the seat of my wheelchair, my ceiling lift pad, my shirt, my pants, and somehow it even went down to my socks and shoes. Not to mention the river from the computer room to my bedroom! And oh yeah did I mention that my cat Miley threw up on my  bed earlier that day, and then Flappy threw up all over the kitchen later that day. And double oh yeah, did I mention Gimpy can't deal with puke, and was practically was puking herself cleaning up cat puke. Not sure how you becoming a nurse is gonna work Gimpy, but I guess you weren't bothered by all my piss so there is still hope. So what we did is put 2 bed pads and 2 layers of towels on my bed since there was no sheets on my bed thanks to Miley, and transferred me from my wheelchair to my bed with pee dripping everywhere and I mean everywhere it was in my raccoon wounds. I had her get a garbage bag and throw every pee soaked article of clothing including my shoes in it and sent it to be incinerated immediately. Then we couldn't find and basins to put soap and water in so she had to fill up an empty baby wipe container and scrub me off with a wash cloth everywhere. How is that for a sexy image? Along with pee pad and pee towels, nothing was left safe, including Gimpy. It was my 9/11. There was everything that happened before Urine-gate with Gimpy and now everything that has happened after. Don't worry I made her an emergency relief kit for the next time she is here, if she ever comes back. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. This is what I get for hiring former strippers to help me with my bathroom routine... insert stripper and penis joke here! And not in her mouth, Eww I even grossed myself out with that one. Until next time stay classy Connecticut!

Annoying

I think it is very ironic that I find so many people so very annoying yet I am stuck with them helping me. Although, as much shit as I talk about the people who work for me I do generally care about them and appreciate what they do. It's just that I am always around someone so I occasionally just need to vent and be an asshole. Except for the creepy girl... She is perfect, nah not really she is just typing this so I have to pretend she is. In fact, today she decided to copy the wife and be on her phone the whole time she was supposed to be working. Plus, neither one of them can text me back in a timely manner..despite the fact that they are always on their phones at my house. At least I got a good laugh when she tripped in my bedroom before and almost busted her face on my wheelchair controller. For someone who is Canadian you would think she would be more coordinated because they play so much hockey in Canada.

 But today has been an interesting day on top of all that. When I woke up this morning I had a message from facebook saying I had to confirm my identity within a week or they would delete my new profile. Okay they have a problem with the name Malcolm Syrups, but not when I changed my old profile name to Chester Thunderburg? You have a problem with the name Malcolm Syrups but not when I change my name from Robert not putting my last name to Chester Thunderburg. That name sounds like an Australian porn star, but facebook and Mark Zuckerburg are cool with it? Fuck you, you and your company have the modern day integrity that Walmart has. I saw the social network.. you are a insecure, narcissistic prick who sells users information for money and lets companies track users, when you originally made facebook so there were not ads and only certain people could be on it. Way to be a sell out! So when I messaged FB back I sent them my old college ID where I look like Sloth from The Goonies, along with a nice message of Mark Zuckerburg is Satan, I saw the social network....check out my hot college ID photo along with stupid FB message.

Than I had another worker nagging me when I said I didn't need her to work tomorrow. Her school schedule changed and I never knew for the last two months if she was going to be coming in or not. Therefore, I got gimpy to take her shifts since she is coming back full time soon. So I got bitched and yelled at! Attention her and other girl that only show up when they feel like it, if you are not going to be here on a consistent basis than I will find someone who can be, nothing personal just business. Here is the nice text I sent to the girl who was complaining ...goodnight America!

Speaking of crazy my sister and brother in law hacked into my old FB account. Apparently they are big fans of Chester Thunderburg the Australian porn star. Not really sure what they were looking for but guys if your gonna hack my account make sure I can't see that it was logged in from the same town you both live in. Hope you found whatever you were looking for because I promise you my life and my FB are not that interesting! This is why I ghosted both of you!