FirestickGate

So the Cheshire PD just left my house. Sadly, I wish I was kidding but I'm not. Why? Over a fucking Firestick, I shit you not, a fucking Firestick. You see, the worker I made fun of in my last post, only wanted to smoke pot and sleep, and apparently took offense to the fact that I wrote that despite it being true and told me she quit on Saturday. Despite efforts from myself and two other workers, she would not come back. Not only would she not come back, but she demanded I give her back the Amazon Firestick she got me for Christmas, and a $2 tub of hair gel. I bought her clothes, underwear, video games for her brother, a stereo system for her car, and she got a Christmas Bonus from my mom as well as money from me. Did I ask her for any of that back after she quit, and left my mom to take care of me for 16 hours Sunday night... Hell no! The best part is, I got into a fight with her about a month ago offering to give her the Firestick back then, and she insisted that I keep it. She said her dad would fight with her and ask for his gifts back that he gave her, but she didn't want to be petty like him. Well seems like you're being awful fucking petty right now! Not only did I tell her not to come to my house or the police would be called, but so did one of my workers. Despite this, she still insisted she was coming here tomorrow to get her Firestick. Part of me hopes she does, because now that the police were here, she will get arrested if she shows up. At the 1% chance she does get it, I'm licking it and putting it in my cats litter box tonight. She probably will show up tomorrow anyways. You and your father don't have a history in the psych ward for no reason. Even her mom told her to stop working because she can collect disability for mental illness. Even though her family is living in section 8 housing commiting fraud because it's only supposed to be her, her mom, and her brother living there but her dad lives there undocumented, dealing drugs out of the house with a bunch of illegally registered cars in the driveway. Oh yeah, did I also mention he collects disability but works even though your not supposed too if you're on it. Basically this family is a big bunch of winners. The autistic brother is the lucky one because he's not aware of all the fucked up shit going on around him! Just so I have proof, here is the text I sent her specifically telling her to stay away from my house. Also, here is a collage of photos of her doing drugs. Her Instagram name is on there, feel free to follow her, its all public! And the creepier you are, the better, I mean fuck, if she jerked me off and sent me nude photos for money, I can only imagine the shit she will do for you.

The best part is I made a status about her the other day, and her friend decided to rat me out and show it to her. So today, I made sure to tag that friend in another status with a collage of her doing drugs. Her friend then messaged me this on Facebook:

If you're so professional, then why do you and your husband do more drugs than Cynthia does? And uh, I don't know, maybe don't put it on social media if you're trying to hide it from your clients. I mean your supposed best friend Cynthia is the one that told me that you and your husband and Gimpy all have coke problems, and I'm not talking about Soda! How the fuck else would I know this? What a group of friends that group is. No wonder your friends are all dying of drug overdoses and thanks to Gimpy, I know your husband is an abusive coke head, and you're too much of a coward to leave despite your father almost beating the shit out of him and refusing to pay for your wedding. Have fun bringing children into that love filled marriage(heavy sarcasm) according to Cynthia, you want to divorce him and it hasn't even been a year. They got married on 9/11, how fucking appropriate. Sadly, you probably never will leave him and you'll have two or three kids to try and get him to turn around and save your miserable marriage. Not realizing, you're just going to make it worse, and he will probably start beating the shit out of you and your children. But who knows, alot of this projecting I'm doing is according to information also supplied by Gimpy, so who knows how true this is because I found out she's a pathological liar. I should've been suspicious when she told me Julian Edelman wanted to date her, that guy dates Victoria's Secret Models. He ain't dating you and your coke sniffing ass that's missing half a foot. Yes I know I'm a cripple so its ironic coming from me, but I'm smart enough to know and not pretend that Adriana Lima wants to date me. Holy fuck where do I find these bitches and their friends. I thought I was crazy, but they make me feel better about my own life. I swear to fucking God, If I could drive myself to Florida and never come back, I would. I'm tired of the drama with all of my workers and everyone thinking I'm a raging asshole. Newsflash I don't give a fuck who hates me, and I damn  sure don't care what people in CT think about me. When I go to Orlando in April, or later this year... because after all this I'm fucking going just for the sake of my own sanity, I'm probably not coming back. Even if I commit myself to a psych hospital or nursing home that takes shitty care of me.

Breaking News! I'm Fat!

I know it's shocking to those of you that know me, but yes I'm aware that I'm fat, and no I don't give a fuck that I am. However, in case I forgot one of my workers decided to remind me of this yesterday. She came to my house last night saying that she had to wear three layers of clothing because it is apparently so cold in my house. When I told her, "that's weird I'm usually always freezing and I feel fine right now," she ever so politely reminded me "well don't forget you weigh a lot more than I do!" Uhhh I saw pictures of you last summer, I would have to say you were giving me a run for my money. Sooo, you might want to remember next time you say something like that because I'm probably such an asshole I will say this to your face. I haven't heard something this rude since Big Boobs McGee told the fat girl she was training "you might wanna move his wheelchair up because you're a  lot bigger than me," no wonder that girl never came back after that day. That and when she was getting me ready that day, she was so out of shape she almost passed out on us. For real, we had to get her a cup of water and have her sit down. But yeah, back to the current worker, that's what happens when your main priority in the world is too smoke pot, sleep, smoke more pot, sleep, bitch that shes not getting enough money from me, and smoke some more pot. Needless to say, this is one of the main reasons I cancelled my trip to Orlando... yeah I'm not getting on the plane with you carrying a pound of weed in your suitcase, or other holes on your body..What?! I watch Orange Is The New Black. Or as soon as we touch down in Orlando, having you call Paco the drug dealer so you can get your fix. I ain't fuckin' with Cuban drug dealers in Florida. And I know you will hit him up, because you can't go one day without smoking, never mind five. The best part is if you ever read this, (which I know you will not) you'll say "it's my personal business what I do outside of work!" Absolutely you're 100% right, but when your dumb enough to tell me all these things to my face, how can I not make jokes about this? Have you met me? I make fun of everybody's shit on here!\

Speaking of the geniuses that work for me... today I had to text one of my workers this lovely message.

Yes, I really had to send that, luckily for her sake she even realized how stupid that was. This is the same girl that asked me if Thursday night football was on tonight.  Um, first of all it's friday, second, since it's the NFL playoffs, Thursday night football hasn't been on in a month. The ironic part is I was telling her today about some of the past geniuses that have worked for me, like that girl who put my Thermos in the microwave, the one that hit the pole in the parking lot at Quinnipiac with the van, or the one who hit the pole in the parking lot of CVS, and how they all now work in the health care field. I told her if I ever saw one of those three people working in a Dr office or hospital, that I would wheel the other way as fast as possible. She laughed and agreed with me, sadly now I have to add her to this list.

Finally, I'm not one for conspiracy theories but last night there was a huge explosion in my neighborhood and the power went out right after for a minute. Luckily, it came right back on, but is it any coincidence that it's the same day Donald Trump became President? I think not!!! It was the world suddenly letting me know it's trying to end itself before he can fully take power. It is also ironic on the day of his inauguration, Jan 20th is considered International Day of Acceptance. The most bigoted, racist, sexist man I know becomes President on International Day of Acceptance, somewhere Abraham Lincoln, Harriet Tubman and Harvey Milk are all rolling over in their graves. Also, I finally watched Obama's farewell appearance on 60 minutes from last Sunday, and they showed in his oval office how he had a bust statue of MLK Jr's face and a map that showed one of the Underground Railroad's paths to freedom. Since every President gets to redecorate the White House when he takes office, I'm guessing that statue has been replaced with Hitler or Putin's face, and the map has been replaced with a map of a Japanese Internment Camp from WWII.

Yeah, we're all gonna die. But in case we don't come see me perform at Comix Mohegan Sun on January 26th, or February 9th. Tickets are only $10 you cheap bastards. Also performing in New Haven at 5pm on Feb 8th, if you really want to go ask for details but its a free show on Whaley Ave so you should go. I'm also probably gonna perform at that Hartford FunnyBone open mic on Feb 7th, not sure of the date and tooo fat and lazy too look it up but I think it Feb 7th. I'm also doing a show in Westerly, RI on Saturday March 4th, it's free and on a weekend so hopefully some people will drive far to support me. More details to come.

Please watch this video of Bob Saget's terrified reporter son getting trampled by DC Police with Trump Inauguration Protestors. I almost felt bad for the asshole until I realized he worked for Fox News! Click the link here.

While watching this video I awkwardly stumbled across Trump and his wife slow dancing to some awful song at the Armed Forces Inaurguration Ball. It was an nauseating as it sounds. 

I'm a survivor

Whatever happened to those other two bitches from Destiny's Child?! Beyonce threw them out like yesterday's trash. I think I saw one of them was doing a free show at the Wolf Den a few years ago. No, I did not attend. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice are more my speed, for free shows at the Wolf Den, and got a meet and greet after! It was the best day of my liiiife - yes, I sang that as my worker wrote it. What? I have a beautiful voice, I'm pretty sure angels speak through me when I sing. Black Jesus Lives Matter, my eyes have seen the glory of the Lord. No don't worry I didn't drink the koolaid....yet. I'm just having what you call a "mental breakdown". And like all the other cool celebs, I'm going to get treated for exhaustion after I post this. RIP Falco, and if you're not cool enough to get that don't ask.

So the other day, I was watching me some Cops, like all classy people do, and I saw probably the best episode literally E V E R. And I've seen some real winners on that show, such as a ghetto 94 year old Georgia based Grandma who stabbed her 90 year old best friend/ roommate after a few drinks and heated discussion over how her son was a "punk". Or as I like to call it, the ex wife and her roommate 50 years from now. Also saw an episode when a lady's husband knocked her dentures out of her mouth, and had to call the cops because they fell on the roof and she couldn't find them. Then she was more concerned about showing her pet parrot to the cops instead of finding her dentures. Oh and did I mention her husband was wearing tighty whities and was about 80 years old and 300 lbs. So its probably hard to imagine that I found a better episode then that. But I did! See the cops were responding to a call about a man passed out in the bushes...and I don't know what drugs he was on but man do I want some.When the cops got there his first question to him was are you guys real? And then as they were trying to arrest him they started screaming PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME!! and he was also eating the grass on the ground in front of him. This guy was literally so fucked up that they didn't charge him just brought him to the psych hospital. I'm not sure what they're doing down there in Florida that this behavior was so normal that they didn't bother to arrest him for anything but man am I looking forward to going there in a few months!

watch the other funny moments here
https://youtu.be/lXiy406JAZg

Speaking of stupid people on drugs...ok they don't do drugs ...allegedly. Here is a good story about the ex wife and her roommate. See last weekend it snowed and even though we live in Connecticut every asshole in this fucking state craps their pants about driving once they see the first snowflake hit the ground. During the day that day the ex wife actually showed up to help me for once. While she was here she informed me that her roommate was waiting at a gas station in Bristol which is about 20 minutes from my house with good weather for the ex wife to come pick her up after she got out of work. I know this sounds normal but it was 2 pm and the ex wife doesn't get out of work on that day until 5 pm. So yea it sounds as retarded as it was! Dude her roommate works in Southington and lives in Plymouth which I know is 45 minutes away, but I don't care how bad your car is in the snow it's not worth waiting in the snow storm in some gas station for 4 hours for her to pick you up. Are you that lonely or hardcore of a lesbian that you have to wait 4 hours just to spend time with your roommate. I know she's your only friend but god damn, I don't even drive and I know that's retarded. But, whatever at least she came to work, the new mom used the first snow storm as an excuse to not work because she's originally from Florida. If you don't want to drive in the snow with your pick up truck perhaps you shouldn't have came to Connecticut. Due to all this crap I had to spend 15 hours with my mom by ourselves..surprisingly we survived without killing each other!

This is what I imagine it looked like by the time she got there

Today I accomplished something it's about time I learned to live on my own after 31 years...sure I have no way of getting out of the house or calling 911, but I survived 1 hour and 15 minutes on my own with nothing but Flappy, Miley, and Charles..those are my 3 cats. I now feel I'm certified in doomsday prepping, you can just call me survivor Bob...Of course this is all could have been prevented but everybody that works for me secretly want me to die so that they don't have to help me anymore. Cause ya know the creepy Canadian was filling in for hippie love child who only comes in when she feels like it cause even though I told the ex wife don't come for the day shift come for your usual 5-9 she still showed up anyways and refused to come back out of spite or as I call it she's a cunt! God forbid she pays her bill so her phones still on or her retarded roommate actually delivers a message without fucking it up...plus she still has me blocked on all social media because she thinks I'll get jealous of things she posts...bitch you got pregnant by a random dude there's literally nothing you can post that I give a flying fuck about anymore! But it makes her feel like she has power and control over me so whatever apparently next time I need to get her a message at the last second I need to show up personally to her door or send a telegraph or maybe use the pony express look it up millennials!

Finally, do you think that Ben Affleck should be a spokesman for Afflac insurance?Or maybe eminem should promote M&M's and I definitely think that Magic Johnson should work out a deal with Powerade! Somebody really dropped the ball on this...also, did you hear about lucky charms...apparently they're magically delicious, and Trix yeah they're just for kids! Donald Duck has apparently gone quackers and Miley Cyrus yeah she just being Miley! Hear those jokes and several more at my upcoming shows if they don't get cancelled!

Just because I'm in a wheelchair doesn't mean I'm retarded

Read the title besides the fact that people legit assume I'm retarded just because I'm in a wheelchair doesn't mean I actually am. Yet, despite this a lot of people think I am and think I am dumb enough to fall for the bullshit that they try to sell me...if it doesn't work from the ex wife damn sure ain't gonna work from some stranger. Yes I'm disabled, yes I've live to 31 when I wasn't supposed to, yes some people still treat me and talk to me like a retarded 10 year old, but here's a lesson people I have 2 college degrees I just cant move my arms and legs like everyone else, and that is why I pay people 13.50 an hour to wipe my butt! Just like I tell all my workers if you have a problem with me tell it to my face cause I'm an adult man, don't go running to my mom, or the company who payed you, or your friends that know me, just talk to me about it and I can probably work it out with you like normal human beings do. I was trying to avoid writing about this for a long time cause I legit felt bad for this girl, until she tried to play and scam me one too many time for what I know was most likely for drug money. Don't get me wrong I'm responsible for giving it to her and I know I'm a scumbag because I just did it hoping she'd send mad photos and videos and eventually come to see me because she is very pretty. Yeah she did send photos and videos , and yeah I could put them on here but I wont cause I'm not that big of an asshole...but don't got demanding money from me just cause I did you a favor last summer... you see I spent the whole summer of 2016 basically drunk, and in one of my stupid drunken ideas I direct messaged this girl on Instagram saying I was dying so I would send her money if she sent me bad photos and videos. Yes that is creepy and I did contact her at first. However, after a while she would just start sending them to me and asking how much I'd send her. At first I was nice and I'd always send something even though I'm really really broke, but after a while I had enough and told her no...honestly I could get that shit for free on the internet, plus I never met her in person so for all I know the photos and videos could be fake...however I know they're not because she has certain distinct tattoos in certain places...here is a side by side look ...I blurred out her face to protect her identity.

Here's the best part from that photo on Instagram I found out she's now working as a stripper at a strip club near by, I won't say which one but if you know me you can figure it out! Why is this a big deal? Because after our last fight when I finally refused to pay her for something I didn't ask for, she tried to say she was too shy to take her clothes off in person for me and that she apparently never worked as a stripper, even though I know her best friend is one. Here is proof of our Facebook Conversation where she tried to deny it.Also, read the other crazy bullshit she wrote ..I changed her name because like I said I'm not that big of an asshole and I know some of you blog readers are creepy fucks and will try to find her after this.

• anna @$!#&*%
  Good luck meeting someone who cares for you. You know nothing about me and how dare you speak to me like this.
• 

  12/14, 9:50pm

  Bob Al Held

  How do you care for m I've never met you
• 

  12/14, 9:51pm

  anna *&%$$@!#%^

  I don't work at Hollywood and i can make my own opinions i have a brain, ive never talked to bobbi about you

  Because i dont talk about people i am a decent person who keeps to myself instead of blasting out everyones untrue business to everyone

  You think you have something over me cause you helped me

  Fucking disgusting
• 

  12/14, 9:53pm

  Bob Al Held

  Sorry you feel that way

  But you don't actually know me and vise versa I would feel bad if you actually made an effort to get to know me and I don't really have a lot of people in my life but fuck this it ain't worth it
  
  I'm about to do this same thing to one of the comedians I know from CT...don't worry there's no bad photos of him on my phone and he's not working as a stripper now ha ha ... but the asshole had me pay 50$ for 10 tickets to a show I was supposed to perform at so I can resell them at a profit bu the only problem is I'm pretty sure this show is never actually going to happen. I mean I was suspicious of him when he asked me to perform the day of at some random restaurant and there was like 6 people there with no audio equipment. Plus, he said we were all there to audition or something but I'm not quite sure for what and he ducked and rolled as soon as the show was over. Plus, he made me 20$ just for bringing awkward turtle to that show. I was even more suspicious when one of the well established comedians from CT that I know said he was basically a scam artist...but one of my other comedian friends convinced me he was legit he just charges a lot for his shows. Judging by the way things are going I would say the guy who told me he's a scam artist is probably correct and therefore he is about to get blown up in about a month on here if this show doesn't happen I won't say his name to protect his identity for now but here's a hint he looks and sounds like beetlejuice and I'm pretty sure he appears if you say his name 3 times.
  
  
  

  

  
  

Happy Jew Year

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Orlando

I can't remember the last time I wrote in here, or even what I wrote about. So if I'm repeating myself too fucking bad... don't read this... I'm pretty sure most people by now have stopped cause I said or wrote something that offended them. Here is a video of my last performance at Comix Mohegan Sun from Thursday Dec 15th. Watch it or you won't get the next paragraph.

Hopefully you heard me mention the fact that one of my workers threatened to leave me on the side of the road in New Haven. Okay it wasn't exactly New Haven, it was the ghetto part of Hamden, but you know the part that's near New Haven right by Walmart. Okay and it wasn't exactly the side of the road, it was in my van by myself on some side street near the ghetto part of New Haven. But still, fuck her... what do you think is going to happen when you threaten to leave me on the side of a road... you already know I'm such an ass that I'll say go ahead! Which I did, because even if your roommate does come pick you up and you do leave me there how do you think that's going to look for you? Like oh hey Roberts Mom or Hamden police, I left your son/my boss in a minivan on the side of the road in the ghetto.... oh and did I mention he's in a wheelchair and can't take care of himself? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't going to end well for you. Not saying I didn't deserve it, I mean I did tell her she was such a piece of shit that God didn't want her to have a baby! But if you knew the ex wife like I did you would have said it too. All I was asking her to do was call another worker to come in for 9 when it was already 7:30 because of course the ex wife was driving me nuts, and of course she refused for whatever reason and things just escalated from there. This is the same bitch who threatens my mom and me saying that she will sue because of all these bullshit reasons acting like I said I wouldn't pay her... um no. I said my mom will pay you for overnight hours you obviously already worked, but if you keep acting like a psycho, she is not going to want you in her house or to pay you out of her own pocket in the future.  And then you will only be able to work through the state agency that pays my workers during the day. The best part is, you wonder why my family and everyone else that works for me fucking hates you? Um I don't know maybe because you called out 3 times last week. And the one time you did show up you threatened to leave me on the side of the road? Oh and it's fine for the other girls to work all your shifts and for you to talk shit about them but god forbid you cover any of their shifts when they're out. At first I was convinced I was as crazy as her, but I'm finally breaking out of the psycho spell and actively looking for someone to replace her. I can't deal with this toxicity in my life any more. It's fine, she will never read this because she has me blocked on all social media because she still thinks I give a flying fuck about anything she posts or any guy/girl that hits on her on their. Nopeee you can have her and deal with that human cancer/ psycho bullshit. I'm done with it. I think after the whole I'm pregnant with another man's child, I stopped trying and giving a flying fuck about anything you do. Yet you still try to cry to me and tell me how poor you are when you need something. All I have to say is FUCK OFF. I found someone else to help if I want to, and they are a lot more appreciative then you'll ever be.

The good news is I'm finally getting my hairy crippled ass to Florida particularly Orlando... why? Because I'm going to Disney World Mom! Nah, fuck that (well I might go for a day). But I'm really going so I can see WrestleMania 33 in Orlando on April 2nd. I'm going April 1-6 and staying in some fancy pants resort. Why? Because when your in as much debt as I am you get to a point where you just say fuck it. Plus I wanted to cross going to Florida and Wrestlemania off my bucket list. Awkward turtle just wrote fucket list instead of bucket list, I was tempted just to leave it. Yup, she's like herpes, every time I try to get rid of her she just comes back. Just kidding the fucked up part is I made her type that. Anyway, I'm going there with the new wife and the new mom... so it should actually be fun and drama free. Of course just like in Vegas the third person that was suppose to go dropped out. Hopefully I can find someone to replace her by then... if not I may be hiring a hooker off the streets of Orlando, then I won't have to pay for their flight! Just kidding, I can probably survive with just two people but I don't really want to risk it.


But yeah, I'm on a roll lately with workers. The ex wife is threatening to leave me on the side of the road and I'm probably replacing her, gimpy blocked me on all social media and my phone number, guess she doesn't like jokes about me being her drug supplier, and the girl that dropped out of Orlando I'm pretty sure just pretended to ask for time off at her other job and then lied and said she couldn't get it just because she was mad at me. Either that she really did but her boss did say no because I know with this job she only comes once a week and calls out at least once a month. Yeah, if you called out that often and worked full time for me I wouldn't give you 5 days off either. Especially when you've been to Florida like 3 times in the last year. I used to not understand why she didn't work for me more when I actually pay better, but the new wife and the new mom help me figure it out the other night. When you work in a group home you have like at least 5 other people working with you and all you really have to do is make sure your clients don't die, literally! Here at my house, ya know sometimes you actually have to do work. Is it a coincidence that the last few times you called out were the same Tuesday nights that I had to actually do something? I highly doubt it! Maybe she's taking pointers from the ex wife on how to have a job but do as little work as possible without getting fired. I mean I did offer to ride all the way with her to Boston to pick up her mom from the airport and of course, just like the ex wife she came up with an excuse why that wouldn't work either! And then she got mad because I said her and her boyfriend deserve each other. Well they kind of do, I mean, lazy potheads who want to sit on the couch all day and do nothing but sleep, eat, work, watch tv, and play video games. Yeah, you too are a match made in heaven! The best part was she started threatening to tell my workers what I say about them... um hello have you read this blog? Anything I've written on here I have already said to their face or they have read it on here. If you hate your boyfriend that much then why are you with him? Or at least be smart enough not to bitch about it to me because you know I'm going to make a joke about it when you piss me off. Some people never learn! 

Quick Gimpy story about why she blocked me on everything. As you know, Gimpy lost half a foot slamming a go kart into the back of a van. Shit you not, look it up on the interwebs. Because of this, she's had a lot of surgeries on said foot, and I actually do feel bad about that. That being said, a couple weeks ago the new wife wasn't sure if she could work one of her shifts, luckily she ended up being able to. But, in the meantime I asked Gimpy if she could work the shift instead. She said she would have but she couldn't walk from her latest surgery. When I called bullshit on that, she went crazy on me and started swearing at me, classy thing to do for somebody that pays you. Yes, I know I'm an asshole but she was full of shit. Quite literally, she always talks to me about how she can't poop.  Stop popping pain pills and Molly, it might go along way. But anyway I knew she could walk because she was drunk texting me 3 days before asking me to drive all the way from Cheshire to East Hartford and then drop her off in Hamden to have a drunken hookup with some gross guy that looks like a pedophile.  If you're able to go to the bar and ask your boss to bring you on a drunken hookup (not awkward at all) then I'm pretty sure your capable of working. But fuck I wouldn't work either if my family owned a house with a three car garage and had houses in several foreign countries and paid for everything even though I don't work. I mean yeah I try to do that, but my mom cut me off a long time ago and I'm pretty sure we don't have spare houses in foreign countries or a three car garage. But hey this is the same chick that asked me to score her Molly and wasn't joking. So I guess it's my own fault for hiring all these winners. I imagine this is what she wanted me to find.


Finally, here are some of my upcoming shows.

12/29/16 - Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets are $10 purchase here 

1/17/17 Dante's Restaurant in Stratford at 8pm

1/19/17  Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets $10 purchase here

1/26/17   location TBA New London CT Roast Battle. I'm competing against 8 other comedians and if I win I get $100 so you fuckers better show up because the more support I have the more likely I am to win.
*WARNING: DO NOT ATTEND IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. I will be saying very fucked up things about the other people in the competition and they will be saying fucked up things right back at me. So for those of you that want to see me get ripped a new asshole this is perfect for you!*

Paleo Diet-This is a boring and not funny entry

I had to write this for a writing sample for a job I applied to..hopefully I get it..well this might not be funny or interesting to read to some people but I worked hard on it so I want you guys to read it anyways..

The key to the Paleo Diet is to basically eat like a caveman. In simple terms it means individuals on this diet should only eat items that can be hunted or found.

For example some things you can eat on the Paleo Diet are meats, fish, nuts, leafy vegetables, and seeds. If someone seriously wants to start the Paleo Diet then they cannot eat pasta, cereal or candy. However, it is a great way to learn how to make dishes such as chicken stir fry and paleo spaghetti.

The most difficult part of any diet is keeping track of calories and portion size. Most people who are dieting hate doing this. A benefit to the Paleo Diet is individuals on it will quickly learn that not all calories are created equal. There is a major difference between 400 calories of potato chips versus 400 calories of high quality meats and vegetables.  

If individuals on the Paleo Diet can learn to eat and try new foods, while completely removing other certain types of foods, then they can stop being concerned about counting calories forever. There are not many diets that do not make individuals on it count calories, while also allowing them to eat until they are no longer hungry, but the Paleo Diet does. It also helps individuals lose weight, build muscle, and get into shape.

When properly followed the Paleo Diet can be extremely effective, the reason being that the diet is based on how individuals ate before foods full of fats, sugars, and preservatives came along. Even though as a society, individuals have not been hunter-gatherers for a long time, our genetics have not changed much since then.

The average human being back then was tall, muscular, agile, athletic, and incredibly versatile. Now the average human being is, overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from a myriad of preventable diseases.

This happened because as people settled down and started forming societies, they became less active. As we became less active, and changed our eating habits it began to cause more health problems. In other words, over the last few hundred years our diet changed, but our genetics did not.

The United States Government still recommends 6-11 servings of grains per day. Yet, people keep getting heavier and heavier as a society. Two out of three people are overweight, and one out of three is considered obese. By being on the Paleo Diet it helps individuals focus on what they are biologically designed to eat. This allows us to reach our genetic potential and living a healthier lifestyle right away.

Now back to some funny shit. The Ex wife and I are actually getting along this week, maybe she felt threatened by the new wife, maybe she just really wants this awesome bobble head placed back in my bedroom.

Either way I'll keep my wheels crossed that it lasts.I'm actually trying to work my way out of the massive amount of debt that I have created. I have signed up for several secret shopper trips, sure they only pay 10-20$ a trip but every dollar counts, did I mention I'm constantly selling shirts on my website cripplecreation.com for the low low price of only 20$!! I even applied to be a substitute teacher in Meriden Public School and I got one of my new workers to agree to make the cripple van into an uber/lyft even though it falls apart every 10 minutes, but I'll take what I can get..I'm still pissed at Penelope (that's what i call the piece of crap cripple van) for getting a flat tire and costing me a comedy gig in NYC..it wasn't important to my career goals or anything. Here's some shows i have coming up, hopefully I'll get more soon and if I ever get paid to do one I'll really be excited!

12-14: Free show at 6 p.m at Chill Zone in New Haven for a friend of mine and one of my dads former students. I have to keep it clean which might be difficult for me but I'll try.

12-15, 12-29, 1-19: Comix at Mohegan Sun...all dates are Thursdays at 10 p.m with tickets starting at 10$ and I know most of my family is off from work on the 29th so you better come watch me perform if you haven't you cheap bastards!Tickets can be purchased online just make sure you check Bob Al Held at the checkout as the comedian you are going to see.

Finally I was devastated to watch SmackDown today because that soccer mom haircut wearing asshole AJ Styles beat the crap out of my boy James Ellsworth! He hit him in the back with a steel chair, and even did the Styles-Clash off the steel stairs onto the hard floor...needless to say it was the most horrific thing I've ever seen. He had to be put into a neck brace and get stretchered into an ambulance and my other favorite boy Dean Ambrose even went with him in the ambulance to the hospital that's how bad it was! It's because the chin has 3 wins over AJ and he recently won a title shot against him so I think he was afraid to go 0-4 against Ellsworth so he took him out of play..you heartless bastard..that was my 9-11! I have been in bed all day crying and wearing black trying to forgot that horrific sight or James being loaded into that ambulance! It's ok though, I know he will be back (besides the fact that wrestling is fake) plus, any man with two hands has a fighting chance... I truly believe it! Here's a picture of James after that disaster, it hurt just to post it.Also, not quite sure why he looks like a turtle without a shell.

At least Dean Ambrose beat the crap out of Aj Styles to get revenge for our boy James Ellsworth! If he's not back I'll start a riot.