What's the point?

Alright, I will admit that I screwed up. The point of this blog was to make people laugh by talking about the ridiculous things that happen in my life, sometimes with family, friends or the people who work for me. I also wanted to use it as a place to vent my anger in a healthier way than just screaming at everyone and being a jerk. Again, I just want to emphasize that everything I write is with heavy sarcasm and should not be taken too seriously. If I did not want people seeing it or reading it, I would not be publishing it. That being said, if it really bothers you or offends you that much then just stop reading it.

I pride myself on being 100% honest in this blog. Yes, I have gone to the casino 3 times in the last two weeks. However, the money I have used there was my own. The first time was at Foxwoods where I entered a free black jack tournament because the daily prize was as high as $500. On that day I lost $100 of my own money. I went the following week to Mohegan where I stayed for the night and had a free room. I will happily show anyone the receipt saying $0.00. And I put my credit card on file at the hotel in case of any charges. I then spent around $40 I got from selling used DVDs to FYE at Carlo's bakery aka the cake boss guy at Mohegan. This money was spent on snacks for myself, my mom when I got home, the girl who was stuck with me for 24 straight hours working, and the wife. I was trying to spend alone time with her and be romantic. Yes, I lost the other $100 at the black jack table but that was also money I had from selling something. When I went to Foxwoods last Friday, I had FREE tickets to the Adam Lambert concert. It is not my fault we got put in the fourth row. After the concert, I gambled $40, most of which I got by returning empty cans and bottles. I lost after a half hour at the table, went and ate dinner, and then left. Dinner was brought from home at no cost.

That being said, my friend may have finally found me somewhat of a job writing content for a website. Anything is better than that Yankees job I applied for. Although I have raised $25 in the last two weeks through gofundme and made $25 writing an essay for someone, so move over Bill Gates, I'm coming for you. Plus I have exactly zero of my 100 hilarious shirts. Again, shirts are meant to make you laugh, not get upset or offended. Purchase one HERE. Or donate HERE. I know that is shameless self promotion, especially considering the deep shit I am in right now; but, I have to try still. Yeah I know it's my own fault because I tapped out all my resources when I wanted to go to Vegas for my 30th birthday. Again, people I can't emphasize this enough, it's not for me, it's to help my mom who works crazy hours and still has to pay $70k a year for the people who work for me. If I can buy my own wheelchair van, it will save her an additional $50-70k.

Awkward Turtle

After thinking about it I have decided that I really don't hate or think most of the people I grew up with suck and have mediocre lives. I do not want to sound like one of those crazy people who still go on Maury to yell at people who bullied them 20 years ago. I've let it go, I honestly just hate this town more than the people in it. I an count on one hand the amount of people I grew up with that I truly hate. One of them is dead, Karma's a bitch. And the other one if I ever find you, I don't care how long it's been I'm paying someone a lot of money to punch you in the face since I'm a cripple and can;t do it myself. If anyone knows where Nate Fahs is these days tell him to bring his crackhead white trash ass to find me, don't even care if he or someone he knows reads this. Hey someone reads this crap I get over 100 views a day. Shocking I know!

Yesterday I also learned I am not meant to spend 11 consecutive hours with certain individuals. While I appreciate the fact that she was here for so long and covered for someone holy crap is she AWKWARD! Granted she doesn't wake me up a lot but she just stares at me until I tell her what to do. Doesn't ask what do I do next, even though she should know. She has been here for 6 months, instead I guess she thinks it's easier and not creepy at all to stare at me until I say something. It's like when my cats do that and I don't know what they want. But at least I know they can't talk, not sure what Helen Keller's excuse is. Some examples, I asked her to rinse out my Thermos from when I used it the night before and for some reason she thought it was on the seat of my wheelchair or my bed even though it was clearly hanging on the back of my wheelchair. Then I had to tell her where all my clothes are even though she has been here for 6 months. Again 6 months. And she stared at me after I got out of the shower and was laying butt naked on my bed. Who doesn't want to picture that? Again staring at me, Girl I'm freezing my nuts off. Like what do you think I want you to do next? Put some fucking clothes on me I'm freezing here. Then once I was finally in my chair which takes forever with her because she moves at turtle speed.  Not talking about a cool turtle like the Ninja Turtles or Lisa. Talking about the slow animal. Also, yes I know I'm not the smallest lightest person in the world, but I have girls that work here for me that are shorter, younger and the size of a twig around that can get me in my chair without constantly slamming my elbows into the armrest, constantly whipping my head around so one day I have CTE. It's also funny when she tries to fling me around on the bed so my knees slam into each other, my arms slap me in the face or my wrists and elbows crack and get stuck under me. It's not painful at all! Then again she kinda has alligator arms, when putting me in my shower chair or wheelchair. It takes the other workers 2-3 pulls to get me positioned properly with awkward turtle it takes about 10-15 on a good day. Am I like the mom from Gilbert Grape? Are they gonna have to cut me out of the house when I die? I hope not. Finally, when she went to put my medical alert necklace on, because all the cool cripples and Grandma's have one, it was hanging on my ear on one side. Do you think she noticed? Not only did she not, but she could not figure out what the problem was when I said " Turtle, what is wrong with this picture? " Here's a picture of the Mom from Gilbert Grape.

Haters gunna hate

So for those uninformed readers of this shit, and I feel sorry for you, I live in a little town called Cheshire Connecticut. I hate it for many many reasons, but unfortunately I will probably be stuck here til the day I die. Unless I can ever stop gambling, actually save money, and convince the work wife to take me to North Carolina with her. Anyways, why I hate Cheshire: this stupid town is most famous because of the Petit family murders, which makes everybody think it is this big scary place to live in. The truth is though that it's full of rich, old, mostly racist, white people or some combination of those categories. Most people here think they are better than you just because they have money and god forbid you don't and they are not afraid to show it. The reason I only talk to two people I grew up with in this shitty town is because most of you thought you were too cool or too good to hangout with the crippled kid. But that's okay right now all you work at crappy mediocre jobs, reliving your high school days because that is when your life peaked. I'm getting more action at 30 than you probably ever did haha. But I'm not bitter or anything. Truthfully, now that I wrote this I finally feel better after 13 years.


I also hate the cops in this town. They literally do nothing expect bust up high school parties, check on old people, and pick up roadkill. Plus, they definitely could have saved the Petit family's daughters, watch the HBO documentary and you will see.  However, not all, but most of them are self-entitled pricks who think their shit don't stink. Perfect example today: I went to the Cheshire police station today thinking they would actually help me get the lady who sideways parked in the one handicapped spot at the post office yesterday. But the douche bag cops said there is nothing they can do because for all they know I took a picture of her while she was driving. Yeah, I have it out for this lady that I framed her illegally parking in the handicapped space without a placard, with a clearly marked sign, while she's sitting in the driver's seat stuffing her fat ugly face with a tangerine. I will be writing to the newspapers and TV stations about this because I can do a better job than the cops in this town that are allegedly serving to protect us.

 Finally, I am trying to turn the van into an uber. Just have to convince my mom to let me. At least then I can start paying off some of my debt to her and everyone else. Plus, who wouldn't want to take a ride in the cripple van? Seriously, it's a pretty sweet ride and how many people can say they have done it. And who wouldn't want this adorable face coming to pick them up?

Please don't forget to donate to gofundme.com/robertsnewvan to help me Uber people around in a brand new cripple van. Or buy a hilarious shirt at booster.com/freerobert .  These funny posts don't pay for themselves. 

Fuck you Anonymous and Jimmy Dicklow

Today was another awesome day where nothing is ever simple. First, I tried to go return empties to the redemption center in Wallingford but it was closed. Therefore I had to go to Stop and Shop to return them. This is when I realized it was a bad idea to return empties on a Friday. There was this old fart guy hogging the plastic machine not to mention the room was barley big enough for the 3 people in it never mind me and my giant wheelchair. Then once old man (Sean Connery) stopped hogging the machine I was finally able to finish an hour later. Then on the way into the store this crazy bitch with mental problems who looked like my crazy art teacher from my high school days, cut in front of us. When my worker and I gave her a dirty look she proceeded to tell us to go to hell. She must have had a lot of sand in her vagina. She got a nice F U gesture for that. Luckily, we were able to rush home in time to get my fat lard cat to the Vet. He weighs in at a whooping 16.9 pounds which is almost as big as my other cat Charlie who is 17 pounds but twice the length. My cats apparently need to go on the Biggest Loser Cat Edition.

Then there was the post office. Sorry to my uncle in advance if you are reading this because you work there. However, the people that work in the one in my town are legit short bus riding window lickers. My personal favorite is the guy that obsessively wraps boxes with tape for Priority Mail about 115 times as loud as possible.  Why does he do this? Because according to him they cannot have any exposed edges. On top of that I made the mistake of opening a PO Box there. I signed up for this on the post office website thinking it would be easier. That was a stupid assumption, when I went on Wednesday they told me because I had done it online I had to wait til Friday to get the keys for the box. Today when I went, it was 12:20pm and they told me the lady was on her lunch break and would be back at 12:30pm. However I could not wait around because I had to do other errands. So I go back 3:45pm because the post office is open until 5pm and not only is this fat piece of shit old lady eating a tangerine parked like this in a handicapped spot, but apparently magical key lady left at 3:30pm and somehow I am supposed to know this.

And no one else except Pam can give me this key. Well Pam you should work for President Obama because it would be easier to meet him than it is to get some fucking PO Box keys. But she'll be in tomorrow. Thanks to Cindy, the overly happy annoying bitch that told me this. Well happy Cindy I can't go tomorrow for the god damn boil on my side I need to go see my Dr about. Here is a gross picture of said boil:

N'SYNC reunion tour

Stop being selfish Justin Timberlake just hurry up and reunite with the rest of N'SYNC... we all want to see it and in the words of my least favorite presidential candidate it would be Huuuugggeeee!

But anyways, Tuesday was a banner fucking day. I thought I was spending the night at Mohegan Sun with the two faves, but we will get back to that in a minute. First, since I always sleep too long I had to go come up with my own money for last night since my mom finally wised up and cut me off. Therefore, I needed to sell some used DVDS to FYE in the mall and pawn something because ya know I'm classy like that. Just like every other addict I have to pawn shit to feed my habit. It's better than giving reach arounds on the streets of Bridgeport and I always buy my shit back. Hell if Donald Trump can declare bankruptcy 3 times and still possibly become president than why can't I be rich one day?!? Since I knew I had to get up, do my morning routine, stuff my face, and pack for the casino, I knew I would not have time to do these other errands. This is when I made the mistake of asking gimpy Mcbuttface to help me.

I had asked her around 11am if she could go to the mall for me and the pawn shop. At first, she said yes but then remembered right before hand allegedly that she had an alleged MRI at 12:30. She said she could probably do it if she got out of her supposed appointment in time because I was not leaving til 6pm. I texted her at 2:30 and she said she had just gotten out, so I asked again if she could go sell the DVDS at the mall and then go to pawn shop. What proceeded was probably the dumbest and most annoying conversation I have ever had. My IQ went down 5 points and I lost 2 hours of my life on this crap. So gimpy Mcbuttface gets here and to save her from having to hobble out of the van I have my worker go hand her the duffle bag full of DVDS along with the stuff for the pawn shop inside said bag. Keep in mind she knew she was being paid for this trip for me. However all I got was attitude and bitching. For example, why can't you do this earlier? Idk bitch cause I live to annoy you. Why can't another worker do it? Because unlike you because they can't sit around the house all day watching Netflix, they have what I call school and other jobs. Then, I tell her to stop being so annoying about it and just bring the stuff back and I'll go myself on the way to the casino. She starts telling me she's not going to donate to my gofundme after I was promised she would. I may or may not have threatened to take away her hours after this. In my defense these hours were especially created for her so she could have some spending money while she is rehabilitating from trying to lose a foot. Why this chick needs money when she lives in a house with a 3 car garage, her family had their own home in Spain, and her grandfather is about to throw down 25grand on a new car is beyond me. But hey what can I say I'm charitable. The topper was she ended up doing all these errands but why she had to be so annoying about it is beyond me. She tried to say I forced her to do it because I kept nagging her, its not because you wanted the money or anything mcbuttface and then it was harder than you thought.

That leads to my night at Mohegan Sun. It started off well because I got upgraded to a suite after I was too poor to park in valet and had to lug all my crap through the hotel twice, which took about an hour. From there though I was able to enjoy Pepe's Pizza which is crazy delicious and the Cake Boss guy's pastries from the new bakery he opened at Mohegan. Then tweedle dee and tweedle dum arrived from the legend rap concert at Foxwoods, where not surprisingly everyone was high and they were the only 2 white people in the audience. One of these two may think they are ghetto and part black but just because you lived in Bristol and North Carolina doesn't mean you're ghetto fabulous. If anything it just means your a hick or should be married to Aaron Hernandez. Tweedle dee and tweedle dum then proceed to tazmanian devil the leftover pizza and snacks I bought. The only reason why the pastries survived is because I sacrificed myself on top of them so they would not be eaten, that and I hid them in the room fridge.  Yeah they were high as fuck and had the munchies. Forrealz, we're talking cheech and chong level here. There was practically a cloud of smoke behind them when they entered the room. After they inhaled all the food, tweedle dee decided to bitch 10times in one hour about how bad her head hurt. Well, maybe your head wouldn't hurt so bad if you hadn't been smoking blunts, cigarettes, and your vape for 2 straight hours. So we gave her some Tylenol and then the two tweedles proceeded to pass out. That is when I decided to go gamble the $100 I scraped up. After 2 hours it was gone. I texted Tweedle Dee to say I'm on my way back to the room and I'm so pissed I'm just going to pack my shit and go. Now the whole time my worker and I were packing and making two trips back and forth to the room do you think either one of their lazy asses woke up or offered to help us? hell nah brah. Its okay though they fucked with the wrong person I made sure to ring the doorbell for 10 seconds on my way out of the room and made sure they got wake up calls every half hour starting at 5am until checkout. Oh, and I told the desk clerk they needed more towels so they'd get woken up by that too. Plus, on the way home I made sure to text them fuck you every 5 minutes. Think they got the hint... nope they still didn't understand why I was mad. Well, yeah I don't want to cuddle with you at 3am when if I wake you up you're going to act half-dead and be incoherent while complaining your head is pounding. Also with my luck since you were high as a kite you probably would have dropped me on the floor and then I would have to go see the medicine man for the tribe that owns the casino and call my sister and mom at 3am to say I fell on the fucking floor. So yeah, that's why I didn't want to cuddle. But hey, glad I could provide them with a hotel suite, tons of food, and get nothing in return but negative 100 dollars. Overall, a typical day in the life of Robert A Held.  Until Next time America!

My Crazy life

Alright last night things got a little too dramatic, for my liking. I started this blog to just laugh at the ridiculous things that happen in my life. I do not mean to offend, hurt, or upset anyone who reads this. That is why I do not refer to anyone by name and I make sure to make fun of myself just as much. However, I strongly advise if you do not like what I am writing then maybe you should not read my blog. Especially if it is going to result in tainted ice cream from Dairy Queen. Aint nobody going to mess with Robert A Held's ice cream.... I come from the main streets of Cheshire I have seen things in my life time. Like people driving a Kia as their first car or waiting for their parents to pay for their plastic surgery until after their high school graduation. #firstworldproblems.

So things have gotten so bad financially for me that I am thinking about actually selling my body to science. Do I actually get paid for this? Or do they just pay for my funeral? If so it is kind of pointless because I already have a tomb stone with my name on it. This is fucked up but did you know that it is cheaper to buy grave plots in bulk when one of your relatives dies, then it is just to buy a single plot. At least someone is making a killing... ahahh see what I just did there!

I did see a website I can apply to write about the Yankees for the upcoming season. Yep that is how desperate I am because I fucking hate the Yankees. Is it wrong that if I got the job I would just use it as an excuse to either run over or ram A-Rod with my chair. I can totally get away with I play good fake retard when I have too. I will just start drooling all over myself and say, "sorry Mr. Rod... have you seen my apple juice?!"

In the meantime I have decide to whore myself again with a new go fund me. See last year I turned 30 and wanted to go to Vegas so I played the cripple card to have people help me to go there. So I figured whats the best way to piss more people by asking for help again to get more handouts. Shameless plug if you would like to donate click here
gofundme.com/robertsnewvan

After last nights fiasco I decided to also make some hilarious t-shirts. To help me get a new van/move out of my moms house because you know I am 30 and still sleep in a little boy bed. Plus, I want to relieve some of her financial burdens funding my gambling habit and paying the incompetent people that work for me. If you would like to buy one to help, me move on up like the Jefferson's , go to: booster.com/freerobert

Here is a picture of what they look like:

Procrastination is like masturbation: In the end you're just fucking yourself

So I slept for 12 hours today, and I have to say I'm pretty damn proud of it. There was a time where I would get up at 6 in the morning and go to bed by 11. But now I've determined I like to stay up and laugh at the creepy people who are up with me at 2 in the morning.

Because of me being a lazy ass, today was what I call a wear pajama pants and be depressed all day kind of day. To make my pants extra sexy, there's a big gap in the front of them but I'm too lazy to buy new ones or throw them out. I would post a picture but I don't want to scar whoever is mistakenly reading this, although you never know some people are into that shit. I'm so desperate for money I probably would post it if someone offered me money. Mostly, there is a big gap in the front of my pants because somehow all my workers lose the strings in my pajama pants. Yes, I'm aware after I write all this I will probably end up in a state run home, sitting in my own shit for three days, dying from rotting bed sores because nobody wants to work for me anymore.  But its okay we all have to go sometime. Besides, my life peaked when I was 12 and won the spelling bee in my class and ate an entire white chocolate rabbit. Yup, 1997 was a hell of a year for Robert Alan Held. I should have known it would be all downhill after that. Now I just feel like one of those creepy guys that still go to high school sports games wearing their letterman jacket from 2003. People I graduated CHS with, you know who I'm talking about.  No, those are not a picture of my actual pants below.

I was asked by one of my workers to not be mentioned in this blog but, that was the worst mistake she could have made because it all but guaranteed she will now be written about. It's fine though she got a big girl job so she only fills in on the weekends for me sometimes now. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be written about either if I was from the dirty Jers. Its the US's armpit, it's even in the shape of an armpit. Even people from New Jersey don't want to be from New Jersey. It's kind of like pretending to like chicken when you secretly like steak. You can't take a break from steak and eat chicken straight for a year and then go back to steak like it's no big deal. However, if my rich ass parents were helping me get through life I would pretend to be something I'm not too, just to keep them happy. Oh wait, my mom does support my lazy crippled ass so I guess I pretend to behave sometimes just to please her. At least I don't have to pretend to like chicken though and that I have a boyfriend who likes it also when everybody knows its just a cover for the fact that you both like steak. Yup, there is some hidden meaning to these sentences. I am a journalist though and I believe strongly in the freedom of speech and press and I'm assuming that the people I'm talking about in this blog will never read this anyways because it's not about themselves, shopping, Justin Bieber, or money, so I'm not really worried about them seeing it.

While I'm talking about hypocrites let me talk about somebody who was supposedly a friend of mine at one time. Theoretically, I may or may have not met this friend at a lets say an adult dance club in Southington where she works. My own fault for having a complex where I like to save people that are beyond saving. My first clue should have been the fact that's she's willing to show people her butthole for a dollar. For about a year, I probably gave her way too much money because I knew she didn't have a lot supposedly. During this time, she would always say that she would hang out with me and wanted to get to know me better outside of where she worked. Again, this is why I hate people and don't trust anyone but it's my own fault for being stupid enough to believe it. She would claim that all she would have time to do is work at the "club" and sleep. Well, yeah I would sleep all day too if I was constantly taking "breaks" at my job to go snort a line in the bathroom or shoot up in my car. She even tried to say she was so poor that she could barely afford to eat off the McDonalds dollar menu more than once a day. Its funny though because lately she always posts pictures of her eating at restaurants with fat creepy guys who must either be her pimp or sugar daddy. Maybe you would not have to complain about how shitty your life is if you weren't such a shitty person. You have no money yet you constantly are posting photos of the newest pokemon shit you bought because its totally normal for a girl in her mid 20s to still be buying Pikachu dolls and wearing pokemon pajamas. Its okay though karmas a bitch like you because now your teeth are rotting out of your mouth from all the drugs you do and cigarettes you smoke.  Oh yeah plus I forgot to mention the fact that you're pregnant and don't know who the father is because you're always screwing two guys at the same time, one being an unemployed 35 year old. Hopefully that baby doesn't come out with four eyes, three arms and licking windows but hey have a nice life you won't be hearing from me anymore. And if you happen to read this, truth hurts!

lazy ass day

Today was a lazy ass day but, then again most of my days are. I actually had to get up at 11 AM to start training a new worker to take over for cripple foot and BBM. The girl was nice and all but I'm pretty sure she thought I rode the short bus to my house. She kept asking the work wife questions about me even though I was sitting right there. Plus, she talked to me in that same baby talk way that moms talk to their little kids. Granted she has two kids, but it is still mad annoying. But hey at least she didn't stare at me two inches from my face and scream HI ROBERT HOW ARE YOU!? That is my person favorite when people meet me and just assume I'm mentally disabled, despite the two college degrees hanging in my room. I know George W. Bush went to Yale and they hand out college degrees these days like their toilet paper, but I'd like to think I worked hard to get them. I was willing to give her a chance until she asked when she was going to meet my Mom...okay first of all my Mom is an accountant and from now through April 15th you have a better chance of seeing Tupac then you do of seeing her. Second of all, I'm 30, I'm training you and I'm fully capable of telling you how to take care of me without my mom. I hate the fact that people just assume you're useless and can't do anything on your own because of a physical disability. Here's some news for everyone..I go out places, I get drunk, I make poor life decisions, blow all my money, do questionable things with questionable people, then write this piece of crap so all of you can laugh at how fucked up my life is.

Then, for some reason she had gotten dropped off so she was just kind of awkwardly sitting in my house waiting to be picked up. On the bright side her and the work wife got to go take a cancer break together outside. My favorite part is how they take a bath in perfume to try and cover up the god awful smell after. News flash ladies, you still smell like my high school bus driver and with any luck one day you'll look like a warthog like she did and sound like a truck driver. 10-4 good buddy! Love the work wife to pieces but shes not the brightest crayon in the box. Now I know this isn't funny, but one day I had to rush to the ER with her because she legit might have been having a stroke. To test if you are, the doctors ask you basic questions. Like the year, the month, the day of the week, and who the president is...is it wrong that I almost contemplated telling them that she doesn't know that even on a good day...being 100% honest here folks! Ya know these are the same people that cry about how poor they are and want more hours, but then when you offer them up, they say their too tired or busy to do them. Busy doing what? This is your only job and you sleep until 3 in the afternoon every day. Let's also not forget the snap stories and pictures on FB and instagram of you and your best friend out shopping, doing your nails, and getting your hair done.

Now to the work wife's best friend..that is a whole fun adventure in itself. Besides the fact that shes so far up the work wife's ass that she can probably tell you what she ate for breakfast...this is the same girl that cooks in the dark and will only flush the toilet once a day to save money, but has 6 credit cards so she can keep buying the work wife gifts and presents. My current favorite is the two of them are going to a rap concert at Foxwoods on Tuesdsay night. Granted after the show all of us are staying at Mohegan for the night because you know I'll use any excuse to use my free room stays and go there. However, the funniest part is the best friend has never been to a concert. Not sure how you hit 23 without going to a concert, but anyways this concert is with some rapper called Legends. I'm old as fuck now so I don't pretend to know who this is. Yet, this girl that is going is probably the only person I know that is whiter than me. I can't wait to see the look on her face when she enters the show. All their songs are about doing drugs and screwing women and between the two of them, they probably know about 3 songs between the two artists performing. But nothing ever stops the best friend from trying to impress the work wife, oh yeah I forgot to tell you the reason for her buying the tickets. She knows the work wife is originally from the south and had her on the radio that he was a southern rapper...yep that is the reason why. This chick doesn't even know two things about this so I'm guessing when she goes and the show gets going her face will look a little something like this.

So yep that's all for today folks. Look for another bigger cripple rant in the near future unless of course I get hit by a bus or kidnapped by Charlie Sheen because of my last post. That is why I wore my red shirt today...to show we both run on tiger blood, except mine is AIDS free, too soon?

Welcome to the world of cripples

This is my first blog post in several years. First, some shit you want to know about me. I am 30 which is a God damn miracle according to some doctors. I live in Ct, probably the shittiest state in the US because you freeze your balls off 75% of the year. I am $10,000 in credit card debt because of my serious gambling problem, and I am currently unemployed. If that was not funny enough for you, some higher power decided to take my dad away from me when I was 25 along with my cousin and grandpa. Therefore, it is just me and my mom stuck in a house together. Yep I still live with my mom in this hell hole of a state and hate every second of it. I say I will moving to Florida or North Caroline if the work wife would allow it in 2018/19, but lets face it I will probably still be sitting here writing this piece of shit and sleeping in the same bed that I have had since 1999. Oh yea, I forgot I have a type of Muscular Dystrophy called Spinal Muscular Atrophy that  requires me to hire PCA's to take care of me 24/7. That's where all the craziness usually comes from. I am also a huge sarcastic asshole that tends to say whatever I am thinking which pisses a lot of people off. However, because I am so fucking hilarious and good looking that everyone who works for me secretly loves me and their job. This is a typical day in my life...

Yesterday, I was awoken at 8:30 in the morning which is ungodly in my life because I live like Bill Compton. Stay up until 2/3am and sleep until about noon, the joys of collecting disability. So after being awoken by the night time PCA I was informed that the girl that was supposed to be working the day shift had not shown up. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that I had fought with her a few days before and had mentioned that the only reason so many creepy men like and message her on facebook is because she is always posting photos with her fake double D tits hanging out or perhaps not. Luckily, the over night girl was able to stay until I could find an emergency replacement. I was especially grateful because she had puked twice the night before thanks from a stomachbug from her son and husband... this is why i hate children luckily my crippled ass did not get it. But I will get back to this later.

Now the girl that came in to replace big boobs McGee, just had major foot surgery in November. Well I appreciate her greatly I have to shit on her for being a cripple like me. When she gets her I look out my window and what do I see but the one foot wonder knee bent on a scooter, cripple foot in a walking boot wheeling up my driveway. I will provide a picture of the cripple scooter with this post. Luckily, somehow we two cripples survived until the work wife came.

Next thing I know however, the work wife goes into my bathroom and I hear her yell, "DID SOMEONE PUKE IN HERE!!!!!!" Sure enough the overnight girl had puked twice in my bathroom and got it all over my toilet and did not clean it! I felt horrible but luckily the work wife cleaned and did not puke herself. Especially since by the time we discovered it, it was hard and crusty. YUMMMM.

After that fun stressful day, I decided to do some online gambling. Sure enough I lost that money faster then Charlie Sheen relapsing out of rehab. Him and I have the same birthday you know? Isnt that something to be proud of?

 That was really all the craziness for that day. The only thing interesting that happened after that was the next overnight girl coming in (she might be on the spectrum but they never diagnosed her) her favorite thing to do is ask questions or listen to my stories while staring at me and not saying anything after. Its not awkward or anything! Finally, I just want to add that yes, I am aware I will piss many people off while writing this. But hey, if you had to work with the people I do this would be the healthiest way to get out your anger out too... Either that or starting a cult.