JoJo

Did you know she's still alive? Well she is dammit. And apparently awkward turtle met her yesterday. And got a hug from her. Jealous? You bet I am, even if she was wearing a hideous white poncho. I felt a little sad for her thought when AT aka awkward turtle told me that she was performing at some bar in Hartford and only 20 people got invited and she performed like 3 new songs of which AT only knew 1. Okay it was a radio contest so truthfully only like 20 people were invited, but that doesn't make it sound as funny. So basically she spent more time driving to and from there then she did at the show. But, she still got to meet her so I'm jealous. But its a good thing JoJo didn't meet me. Because lets face it, when she saw me she would have never let me go. And I like to be single and ready to mingle. Gotta keep my options open once I become a famous sit-down comedian. Apparently, she has a new song with Wiz Khalifa. Again, didn't know she was making new music. And she didn't perform any of her classics. I would have yelled "I'm not gunna get out right now until its too little too late" until she performed those greats. Here is a picture of her in her hideous white poncho.

(not pictured awkward turtle, but I picked this one because the girls eyes are closed so its pretty funny)

In other news. AT just spelt news with a K (knews). The people that work for me are so smart. Sometimes when I get up in the morning, ya know around noon, I listen to the repeat of Boomer and Carton in the morning on CBS sports network. Those not cool enough to know, they are the morning show from 6-10am on WFAN the sports talk radio station out of NY. Anyways, today they were talking about the kicker for the New York Giants Josh Brown. It was reported last night that there were emails and journal entries where he openly admitted to physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing his ex-wife and children. He was arrested for domestic violence in the off-season and suspended for the first game of this season, but he lied and made it sound like it wasn't as bad as it was. From what I heard, this guy is disgusting and does not deserve to be playing in the NFL so don't take this the wrong way. Craig Carton said as much as his show this morning. But this is the same guy who admits he is good friends with Ray Rice. For those that don't know, there's a video of Ray Rice knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator in Atlantic City and dragging her body out of the elevator. Months after this happened, he had Rice on his show and tried to say what a great guy he was and that he just made one terrible mistake. Carton also tried to make the case that Ray Rice deserved another shot to play in the NFL. So let me get this right... a guy who was on video punching his wife and knocking her out should get to play again in the NFL, but the Giants kicker is the biggest piece of garbage in the world and should never play football again? Hypocrite much? Luckily for the rest of the world, nobody ever gave Ray Rice a second change. Normally I like Carton and thing he's funny even though he could be a bit of an asshole. This was definitely the stupidest and most hypocritical thing that I ever heard him say but he also hosts the sports radio talk show when I don't think he actually ever played sports. He just happened to get on a show with a former quarterback from the New York Jets. Why can't I get that lucky? Here's a picture of Carton, I tried to make him look as douchey as possible












 Ray Rice video for those who forgot


Finally major props today to my worker who legit asked me Oh why'd you never wanna be alone at home by yourself? Oh I don't know, because I can't move my arm if it falls of the controller, I can't pick my head up if its falls over, so I won't be able to breathe after a while, and I have no way of calling 911 or even getting out of the house if an emergency happens. This was because the girl coming after her was going to be ten minutes late because her car broke down and god forbid she had to stay til 5:10 instead of 5. For somebody who claims they care about me so much they sure seem to not be able to get away from me fast enough. Also, this is the same chick who has showed up late or not at all with no fucks given about the person coming before or after her having to stay with me til we figured out who was coming in for her. And then she wonders why shitty things always happen to her... um I don't know because you're a shitty person? And she can't figure out why my family, most of my other workers, and myself 50% of the time can't stand her.... well maybe its because you show up if/when you feel like it, complain then sit on your phone the whole time you're here. Freak out if you have to take me anywhere, and spazz out if we're not back before your shifts over. Here's an idea, if you want to be a lazy piece of shit and not work all day then collect welfare and social security, try to pop out a few more welfare babies, move down south into a double wide, and do what the rest of your family does, sue and collect government benefits for made up illnesses and bullshit injuries. And then blame the rest of the world for all your problems. Yup, one day I hope you read this and it pisses you off. But after all I've done for you I give few to no fucks anymore. Today I tell the creepy Canadian, "Oh you were actually early after all that freaking out" because she showed up at 4:55. She was like yeah I rushed here so you wouldn't be left home by yourself. And the other girl has the balls to say "I've never left you by yourself." Technically true, but you threaten to leave in the middle of shifts, ask other workers to come in, or call my mom like a 5-year-old to tattle tale on me. Not to mention as soon as you saw awkward turtle pull in the driveway yesterday you sprinted out the door. Then you wonder why I preferred to sit and stare at a blank computer screen for 2.5 hours rather than talk to you or ask you for help yesterday. Umm because you never listen to anything I say anyways because your always arguing with your lesbian roomate on the phone. At least you finally figured out your straight I guess since you did get knocked up by some random dude... allegedly... or at least he probably paid your bills or something because we all know you use people until they're no longer useful to you. And that's all I have to say about that.

This isn't what she looks like but if she keeps acting and living like she does this is what I imagine she'll look like one day. Yes, I googled crackwhore to find this picture.  

This one time at cripple camp

You don't want to know the rest, and if you really do come see my act. Some fucked up shit went down there. I'll never forget you camp Hemlocks in Hebron CT or the eagle rock I would always start crying at on the way to be dropped off because I knew it meant we were almost there and god I hated that fucking place. But who would have thought all these years later it would be providing hilarious material for my stand-up routine. Anyway, I have lots of shows coming up and I need to bring anywhere from 3 to 5 people to all of them so I'll write the info below. What? We all have to start somewhere, sure right now I'm doing free shows that I have to get my family (who mostly hates me) and my friends (mostly imaginary) and my workers (mostly morons) to go and pay usually $10 plus $1.73 fee for Mohegan shows. The one at the Funny Bone is free if you use the promocode CLASH when you call for tickets. All you have to do is say your there to see your boy Bob Al Held when you pick them up. Anyway here's my upcoming schedule.

Oct 12 (Van permitting) at the Chill Zone in New Haven at 5pm.  Its a clean show for the easily offended

Oct 26th - Clash of the Comics at the Funny Bone in the Manchester Mall... you can get in for free again by using the promocode CLASH and mentioning your favorite cripple Bob Al Held is the performer you're there to see

Oct 27th / Nov 10th/ Nov 17th -  Comix Mohegan Sun shows start at 10pm and tickets are $10 plus a $1.73 fee

Here's videos of my last two performances so you can see how fucking hilarious I am.

Also, here is my newest shirt design to go with one of my jokes. As soon as they are ordered and delivered it will be sold at all my shows plus on my website cripplecreation.com.  I know you want one so you can help me go to Vegas in February. For the haters out there reading this, I don't care what I have to do for money or sell I'M GOING BACK! New shirt picture here

I haven't talked shit about anyone on here in a while so I will be doing so now. Unfortunately my worker deleted the message so I can't prove it 100% but this chick that is an executive producer on Channel 3 WFSB in CT News was selling a really fancy purse on one of those Tagsale groups on Facebook. I don't remember what brand because I'm not gay, but I know it was some fancypants one. Now keep in mind this chick probably got this bag for free at one of the events she went to for WFSB. Not only did she get mad at my worker for not giving her the full asking price for the purse, but she also bragged about spending $400 just to get it fixed. Fuck, if you want to waste $400 help me buy a flight or two to Vegas. But yeah just because you're some rich entitled bitch that thinks you're a big deal because you produce stories about not forgetting your baby in the backseat and how to survive a bear attack doesn't give you the right to be a bitch to whoever you want. So Stephanie Hoey, I just want to give a special fuck you shout out on my blog to you. Here's the bitch in question she even looks like a C U Next Tuesday... I can't get a real reporting job but this nice lady can.


Finally, this is a funny story about the creepy Canadian that works for me. First, and yes this story will be going in my act, one day her and I were watching the news. On it, there was a story about how they are trying to make Narcan (no idea how to spell it) more available to EMTs and emergency room doctors. But for those that don't know, it is a drug that helps people who are overdosing to stop, so basically it can save a lot of lives. However, when the creepy Canadian saw it she said good I'm glad its not as available right now they should just let people die. Um, creepy Canadian don't you work in a hospital where they have saved people in front of you with this? What kind of people are they saving that you feel this way? Also, your in charge of my personal well being 20-30 hours a week, I hope I'm never dying in front of you otherwise your response might be ehhh just let him die he had a good run. But he's 31, which is 75 in cripple years, its time to old yeller him.  Aka take him out back and shoot him in the head. Now that shes pissed at me for writing all this, she got this funny recall letter in the mail about her car recently. Its hard to read but basically it says we know there's a problem and that it needs to be fixed but they're not going to fix it until sometime in 2017. So yeah basically they're saying you might blow up and die but fuck you we don't care before the new year. Good luck and drive safe! May the odds be forever in your favor. Whatever car company made this vehicle, I do not want it when I get a new cripple van. hahaha I'm funny thats never happening. Unless I somehow survive it blowing up with me inside!

Waka Flaka Flame

So I was watching Clash of Champions the other night on WWE network and there's I believe he was... I'm not sure how he does it or affords it, I mean shit I sat at the front row at a wrestling show once and it was $500... totally worth it. I got water spit on me and got to watch grown men in their underwear climb all over each other, that's totally not gay or anything. Anyway, anytime I watch a pay per view on WWE network I always notice as I believe it to be him. Seriously, is he a relative of one of the wrestlers? Or maybe one of them is into trannies? For the record, nothing against gay people or trannies I love watching I am Cait on the E network and hope to meet her one day. Anybody that stars in a movie with the Village People and then on CHiPs is alright in my book. Look it up dammit its true. But yeah I always go back and forth if this person is a guy or girl. They have long hair, but their arms are jacked and they usually wear tank tops or tight fitting shirts or pants. Yet, there are no boobs to speak of. But there they always are in the front row of every pay per view and occasionally Smackdown or Raw. Here is pictures of said person. The first one is scary as fuck I did so intentionally. The second one gives you a better look. I need to figure out more info about this person like who they are, how they always sit in the front row at WWE shows, and maybe can they get me in the front row?

In other news, my cat Flapjack aka Flappy is a fat dick. Seriously, he runs around the house climbing on the kitchen counter or table when he is not suppose to be up there and either knocks everything on the floor or tries to eat my bananas. When he's not doing that he's running between every door in the house crying to go out even though he's an indoor cat. Then, when you open the door to let him in the screened in porch or the garage when the doors are shut he won't go, or if he does he takes about 5 steps, sits there, and tries to come back in in 2 minutes. Meowing at the top of his lungs the whole time he's by the door. However, if you do not pay enough attention to him or open the door to fake let him out he'll jump up on the stand where I keep my workers' timesheets and then knock them purposely on the floor. He then triumphantly lays on top of them in total victory as if to say fuck you for not letting me outside. For these reasons I finally submitted him to cat shaming on instagram, yes its a thing look it up, and I know that its pathetic that I know this. Here is some photos of the asshole in action.

Tim Tebow hit a home run in his first at bat on the first pitch during his first game in the instructional league for the Mets. Fucking christ of course this would happen. It took Michael Jordan over 300 at bats to hit his first minor league home run and of course Tebow does it on the first pitch on his first at bat. I already know whats going to happen. Because the Mets are always the second class baseball team in New York to the Yankees, the Mets will call him up to the major league roster next September when the roster expands if he shows any signs of talent. Not only will it guess jesus freaks and girls that love them some Tebow to come to games but it will make the Mets lots of money. If there is one thing the Mets will do its anything to make a lot of money. Who knows though nobody thought he would be a good quarterback and he won the Heisman and made the playoffs in the NFL. Plus, he was Allstate in baseball back in 05' but I also weighed 150 back then. But I also could write this shit by myself back then. So lets just say a lot can change in 11 years.

Finally, since I'm going to Vegas again Feb 6-9th, flying Jetblue from JFK to Vegas and back and staying at the MGM because I got 2 free nights. I'm trying to make/save money any way possible. Therefore, here is a list of some of my upcoming shows where I do stand up comedy and sell my hilarious shirts:

9/29   9pm Vines on Church in Middletown
10/4   7pm  Open Mic at the Funny Bone (Manchester Mall)
10/6  10pm  Comix in Mohegan Sun (tickets are $10 and I need at least 4 people to show up)
Purchase tickets here
11/17  10pm Comix in Mohegan Sun (Tickets are $10 and I need at least 4 people to go)
purchase tickets here
Plus I believe I'll be doing a show again in West Haven sometime in October and who knows where else. Check my blog for updates. These are the 4 shirts I sell after all my shows and if you'd like to see other designs or purchase one online click here

 

What the french toast?

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while, hope you didn't cry too much without me. I've been moving away from writing cuz you know why would I want to do something my mom spent several thousand dollars on for me to go to grad school for while I can do standup comedy for crowds of 8 people for free? Did I mention I make a lot of good life choices? I'm going to put the video of my routine at the Bar I performed at in West Haven last weekend if more than 8 people click and watch it, that will be a bigger crowd than I performed for! Hey at least I sold one of my shirts during my show so I made $20 out of it which is better than I normally do. Plus I met another comedian who performs all over the Northeast and him and his friend might get me some more comedy gigs. I'll also be performing at the Funny Bone in Manchester mall next Tuesday October 4th and I have a show at Comix at Mohegan Sun on Thursday November 17th. Tickets are only $10 you cheap assholes and I have to bring at least 4 people so you better fucking show up. I might perform at Ana Liffey's in New Haven Wednesday if I can find a ride. Or I might perform in Middletown on Thursday if I'm feeling brave. Apparently the place in Middletown doesn't have a ramp but they're willing to try to pick my fat ass up in my chair. But uh my chair with me in it is almost 500 pounds so I don't know if its a good idea to try it. Here's the link to my Mohegan Show in November http://comixcomedy.com/event.cfm?cart&id=459118 buy tickets assholes.

I bombed pretty bad last week at Bar80 in North Branford. The problem was that I was performing at a bar and it was the first time they were having a comedy open mic. So most of the people there were there for the bar, not the open mic. Also, being a cripple with one retarded lung I can only talk so loud.  So yeah, basically nobody was listening to what I was saying and if anybody was they sure as fuck weren't laughing at my jokes. Plus, because I can only talk so loud nobody could really hear what I was saying anyways. The biggest laugh I got was at the end when I said fuck all of you you've been terrible. The only thing that came out of it was I met the love of my life haha.  It was some blonde girl who I thought was named Chelsea that helped me get in the bar. She told me she works as an engineer and she also sang at the open mic. I thought I found her on fb but it was a different chick. This chick was a hot blonde named Chelsea too. But of course she has a boyfriend or so she says. I just think she can't handle what a fine piece of ass I am. I mean come on I'm 31 have two basically maxed out credit cards and paypal credit maxed out and I live with my mom with no real job to speak of. I'm a fucking catch. I'm gunna make her read this so she can see what she's missing out on haha. Anyway,  I'm going to have to write one of those missed connections on Craigslist to find the girl I met at the bar.

I got offered two free nights at the MGM in Las Vegas so since the last time I was really happy was when I went there on my 30th birthday, I'm going back February 6-9th. Sure I have to fly JFK to Vegas on Jetblue because for some stupid reason Crapnetticut doesn't have any direct flights in February, but it's totally worth it. I mean yeah, if my mom and sister don't pay for my worker and I's flights for Christmas I'll probably have to start making cripple porn or become wheels the male exotic dancer, but its Vegas so its worth it. I will also be selling pretty much every possession I own that I've been holding on to that is hopefully worth money so if you want any random sports teams television movie or music memorabilia, hit me up I probably have it. Sure I can probably get a job to save up between now and February but that would be the mature, responsible thing to  do... so yeah that probably won't happen. So look for Bob does Bridgeport coming to the Adult dvd store near you soon.

Here's a video of a cripple telling jokes... damn he's funny and good looking.

Sit down comedy at Comix Mohegan Sun

Thanks to my brother-in-law for cleaning up the audio. I don't feel like fighting with him anymore, he's a cool guy and he's done a lot of good things for me. So I'm publicly taking back the crap I talk, I'm done fighting with my brother-in-law and sister, hopefully they will be too. I know it's still hard to understand but it's better than it was. I will also paste my routine, I changed up part of what I said but you can get the gist of it here. I threw in a joke about my mom liking my sister better than me and that's why she stayed home to watch my sisters dog because he can't be home by himself. But apparently my mom thinks I can, just a joke people don't get mad. I also added a joke about how everyone thinks I am so nice and great because I am in a wheelchair, but I am not. In fact I told a pregnant girl I hope she died giving birth the other day. Did I mention it was my sister I said that to?...well she's a cunt. And she fucked up my lunch. Finally the joke that really made people laugh was the one I told about the guy I graduated high school with who also happened to be performing that night. In his routine he made jokes about being fat, in my defense, so I said - let's hear it for Giancarlo...he was great tonight him and I grew up together and I'm wondering if he was thinking holy shit he's still alive when he saw me tonight. I said yeah I'm still alive and I'm funnier than you, you fat piece of shit. The rest I'll paste here, some of it I took out and some of it I worded differently but you'll get the gist of what I said. Hope you enjoy! 

I know what you are thinking right now..fucking Jesus Christ we are gonna have to pretend to laugh at this retarded guy telling knock knock jokes for five minutes. WTF honey.. I didn’t throw down $20 to spend my Thursday night watching the special Olympics of comedy. Yeah well fuck you because you are stuck listening  to me for five minutes. Most people choose to go to the Grammy’s or the Super Bowl for their make a wish..I choose to try standup comedy…maybe this is why I am 31 years old, $10,000 dollars in debt with two useless college degrees sleeping in my moms basement! I have made some good life choices.

People always like to tell me I am so nice and brave to do all that I do just because I’m disabled… I hate to tell people but I’m a fucking asshole…I mean I really fucking hate people… look at that guy over there wtf are you staring at?! You have never seen a guy in a wheel chair before doing sit down comedy? Yeah fuck you dude you are an asshole.

By the way cripple is my word, I’m allowed to say it, just like black people are allowed to use the N word….if I hear any of you assholes say it, I’ll roll right up to you and run your ass over.

Us cripples are so nice that when I went to summer camp with a bunch of them, a group of them got together and beat up a clown that was there to entertain us…swear to fucking god… not sure how it went down but it went down!

Some people say war is hell but they never went to summer camp for 10 years with a bunch of other cripples, by the way that’s our word.. black people have the N word we have cripple..but I swear to fucking god if I hear one of you guys say it I’ll run your ass over. Anyways when I went to cripple camp I saw some things..have you ever seen a guy wacking it and drolling while holding a stuffed caterpillar because I have at cripple camp..sure I know my parents sent me there every summer for two weeks because It was probably the only time they could have sex but god dam mom and dad think about the money you had to spend on psychiatric care for me was it really worth it? One time I shit you not this kid came out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and shit all over his ass..these are things that you shouldn’t have to see when you are 12 it was like staying in the psych ward for two weeks ..but the most fucked up time was the time I got caught downwind from a guy that had crapped his pants I mean actually crapped his pants to this day I still can’t go to the zoo because the smell reminds me of that horrific night it was my 9/11!

I grew up In Cheshire CT it’s fucking shitty because all it’s known for was the brutal Petit family murders. I hate when people ask where I am from because then it is always followed up with did you know that family that was killed? Being the asshole that I am I always say yeah actually they were my neighbors and I happen to wonder over there that night and man let me tell you some shit went down.  You should see the fucked up looks I get from people after I say that.

Speaking of my lovely town, Giancarlo Biondiono is here tonight…. Yeah I don’t know who the fuck he is either, but apparently we graduated high school together. All of our parents must be so proud, Cheshire’s finest doing the late show at the casino… Well I guess we’re really going places.

Finally I wanna leave you with a bit of advice… IF you’re ever feeling bad about your own life, find a documentary to watch on Netflix. Theres some fucked up shit on some fucked up people on there….The other night I was watching a documentary about people who were in love with inanimate objects…. Seriously this one lady thought she was married to the Eiffel Tower. So since I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating world, I decided to date one of my old wheelchairs… I had to dump that bitch though, she was always letting people sit on her face….. I’m Robert Held I hope you have a good week… And at least remember, you can walk out of here.

Conspiracies

So you know my life every time things start to go well for me a bunch of bad shit happens. Yeah I know I'm an asshole but I've really been trying to be nicer lately. Even Gimpy started talking to me again and she's always mad at me and calling me an asshole. I guess I must really be a jerk though cuz after I finally found enough people to help me, the exwife gets rushed to the hospital where she'll be for a while, Big boobs Mcgee goes on her 1,000 vacation even though she claims to have no life, I guess dropping Molly and getting drunk off your ass takes up a lot of time. Anyway, she is supposedly moving to California in a few months, awkward turtle thinks shes big time now and when she gets her certification she'll be getting a real job, and then the girl who only comes once a week unless its a goddamn miracle, no nickname for her yet, now says she's moving to Florida in November. Fuck I hate this state too can't one of you assholes take me in your suitcase? Two of the new people I hired seem really nice and actually want to come in to work a lot. Even though they have children so I'm worried about them also getting shit diseases or having husbands who don't actually want their wives to work because they think its 1967 and they have to stay home all day watching the children and cooking dinner. Yeah, that was a shot at someone who used to work for me, I'll let you figure out who. Because I knows you still reading this. Hi Michele, whoops I guess I gave it away. Black Jesus loves you.

So yeah I interviewed another person today because peppy PT girl quit... more like I probably scared her off because I'm a cranky asshole and she's always happy and peppy. Those two traits don't match well with me. Supposedly she got a job working with old people closer to where she lives which amounts to fuck off your an asshole and I don't like helping you. Her replacement came to train today, I guess the first red flag should have been when she told me her background check would come up with past arrests. I'm always willing to give people a second chance though, I have 2 former strippers and people I met on Craigslist working for me. Not saying its working out well, but hey at least I'm charitable. So yeah she comes in to train today and in the middle of showing her how to get me up she asks Hippie love child and I if we believe in evolution or creationism. Say what now? If I gave the wrong answer were you not going to work for me? Then later on she tried to tell Hippie Love Child and I that Pokemon go was created by the CIA to spy on people and that the CIA is always watching us. Finally, she kept telling me how her and her husband were probably going to get divorced soon. Um, I just met you for the second time, why are you telling me all this? As much as I want a paranoid schitzo working for me I think I'm going to have to take a hard pass. I mean I love me some crazy bitches because they're so entertaining but I also don't want to be stabbed in my sleep. Cheshire has already had enough brutal home invasion murders in my lifetime. Too soon? Yeah probably, I may or may not make jokes about that in my routine tomorrow., Which starts at 10pm at Comix the comedy club at Mohegan Sun Casino in CT. Tickets start at $10, hows that for shameless self promotion? Yeah, I am totally going to try to sell some shirts while I perform. Hey I gotta kill 5 minutes somehow. Want to see what my routine is going to be? To fucking bad I'm a working sit down comedian you don't get my jokes for free anymore. I mean sure I'm still performing for free at late night comedy show on a Thursday at the Casino, but ya know you gotta pay to come see it. I'm looking to form an entourage before I get too famous might as well get in on the ground floor. Sluts get in for free because I love me some sluts. Signature stamp autographs are $5. I gots to get paid I might have a stepson to raise soon. What about me, what about Raven? Goodnight America I will be back later this week to write about how my performance went.

I even made it to the website bitches. Looky here

Pat Oates, one of the top comedians in Southern New England, always brings a raw and realistic perspective to the comedy scene. Transparency is the key word with him, as Oates holds nothing back in his non-filtered brand of humor. Oates has been headlining clubs across the northeast for almost a decade now, is known for his appearances on E! Network and Sirius XM Radio, and recently won 2015's Last COMIX Standing Competition at COMIX Comedy Club. Joining Oates will be Robert Held, Cliff Mula, Kristy Lafluer Nelson, Kirsten Logan, Billy McCusker, Joe Flynn, Colin Cook, and Frankie Hill!

I am funny damnit

The other day I actually finally got the nerve up to try standup comedy, or in my case I guess it's more like sit down comedy. I decided to go fourth because I figured no matter how bad it went going that early everybody would forget. I had to say it actually went pretty well. At first I thought everyone was just being nice and saying I did a good job but I guess I did okay because one of the guys performing slipped me a note asking if I want to perform at the monthly show he puts on at the comedy club in Mohegan Sun. Of course my dirty, raunchier stuff went over well. Disappointingly when I made fun of awkward turtle it totally bombed. Apparently people just want me to say obscene obnoxious things. They recorded the show so I will eventually post a clip of my performance when I get it. I had a lot of funny stuff in my mind but once you get up there your mind goes blank. Once I do post the video, don't watch it in front of children or people who are easily offended.  I said some fucked up shit.

In other news, my workers are annoying me, shocking I know. First, I was an asshole because I got upset that one of my workers who only comes one night a week told me 24 hours in advance that she wasn't coming in for her one shift. Then she freaked out on me when I got upset for giving me hardly any time to find coverage. I understand people have other jobs and lives outside of work but god even Big Boobs McGee gave me three weeks warning that she wouldn't be here next week. They all know by now what an asshole I am, so nobody wants to work for me, and you expect me to find someone in 20 hours? I told a pregnant girl I hope she dies giving birth last week! What? That bitch had it coming she fucked up my lunch. Yeah that's going in my routine. Hey, if I made a joke about the Petit family murders, I can make jokes like that. Too soon?! I got over it though because she is coming Friday night when I really needed someone because my mom won't be around that night or Saturday morning. So I can't bitch too much. Wait... I bitch about everything of course I can bitch about this!!!

So today, the ex-wife (she knows what she did) but yeah I'm so fucked up I still have her working for me. Perhaps this is why I have daily thoughts of rolling in front of a train. I never understood how people go crazy and murder people that they love, until I met her. She has me one argument away from the psych hospital. Hope you'll come visit me when I try my jokes on the patients in there with me. I'm really not kidding. But anyways, today she kept texting me to say that she might be a few minutes late because there was a bad accident in front of ESPN and lifestar and cops were there. I kept telling her it was fine... pictures of the convo to be posted after this paragraph.

And she kept texting me some garbage about how she thought it was disrespectful to be late and she just wanted me to know even though I kept saying it was fine that she would be a few minutes late. As a joke, I told her to pop a xanax and chill because she kept going on about it. Between that comment and telling her oh my god you're already being so annoying today ... both texts clearly sarcasm... apparently she arrived here already to fight with me. Then later on she was trying to ask me questions about yeast infections and I told her I don't have a vagina so I don't really know the answer to her questions. Which was then followed up by her telling me someone had left a huge shit stain in my toilet. Well, short of me plopping out of my chair head first into the toilet and scrubbing it out with my head, I'm not sure what she wanted me to do about it.  So I told her unless you want to clean it up I'm not sure what you want me to do about it, but I don't want to keep talking about a shit stain in my toilet. Apparently all these things make me a rude horrible person and now she doesn't want to work extra hours on Saturday. Um thats not really a punishment when every time you're here all you do is drive me crazy and fight with me. You're the one popping out a baby in 4 months trying to save up money because your not going to be able to work for a while before and after. I would think you would jump or in your case waddle at the chance to pick up some more hours and save up some more money. Your hurting yourself and your future child more than me by threatening to not come in or leave in the middle of a shift or quit. If I'm that bad to work for then why do you keep coming to work? One day I'm just going to say fine when you make these threats and then you really won't be able to pay your bills. The best part is, one day she'll read this and somehow make it sound like I'm so mean, yeah I'm mean, but I don't manipulate people into caring about me and taking care of me, only to turn around and complain and threaten me every time I don't do what you want. Today's life lesson class. children should not raise children.