Orlando

I can't remember the last time I wrote in here, or even what I wrote about. So if I'm repeating myself too fucking bad... don't read this... I'm pretty sure most people by now have stopped cause I said or wrote something that offended them. Here is a video of my last performance at Comix Mohegan Sun from Thursday Dec 15th. Watch it or you won't get the next paragraph.

Hopefully you heard me mention the fact that one of my workers threatened to leave me on the side of the road in New Haven. Okay it wasn't exactly New Haven, it was the ghetto part of Hamden, but you know the part that's near New Haven right by Walmart. Okay and it wasn't exactly the side of the road, it was in my van by myself on some side street near the ghetto part of New Haven. But still, fuck her... what do you think is going to happen when you threaten to leave me on the side of a road... you already know I'm such an ass that I'll say go ahead! Which I did, because even if your roommate does come pick you up and you do leave me there how do you think that's going to look for you? Like oh hey Roberts Mom or Hamden police, I left your son/my boss in a minivan on the side of the road in the ghetto.... oh and did I mention he's in a wheelchair and can't take care of himself? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't going to end well for you. Not saying I didn't deserve it, I mean I did tell her she was such a piece of shit that God didn't want her to have a baby! But if you knew the ex wife like I did you would have said it too. All I was asking her to do was call another worker to come in for 9 when it was already 7:30 because of course the ex wife was driving me nuts, and of course she refused for whatever reason and things just escalated from there. This is the same bitch who threatens my mom and me saying that she will sue because of all these bullshit reasons acting like I said I wouldn't pay her... um no. I said my mom will pay you for overnight hours you obviously already worked, but if you keep acting like a psycho, she is not going to want you in her house or to pay you out of her own pocket in the future.  And then you will only be able to work through the state agency that pays my workers during the day. The best part is, you wonder why my family and everyone else that works for me fucking hates you? Um I don't know maybe because you called out 3 times last week. And the one time you did show up you threatened to leave me on the side of the road? Oh and it's fine for the other girls to work all your shifts and for you to talk shit about them but god forbid you cover any of their shifts when they're out. At first I was convinced I was as crazy as her, but I'm finally breaking out of the psycho spell and actively looking for someone to replace her. I can't deal with this toxicity in my life any more. It's fine, she will never read this because she has me blocked on all social media because she still thinks I give a flying fuck about anything she posts or any guy/girl that hits on her on their. Nopeee you can have her and deal with that human cancer/ psycho bullshit. I'm done with it. I think after the whole I'm pregnant with another man's child, I stopped trying and giving a flying fuck about anything you do. Yet you still try to cry to me and tell me how poor you are when you need something. All I have to say is FUCK OFF. I found someone else to help if I want to, and they are a lot more appreciative then you'll ever be.

The good news is I'm finally getting my hairy crippled ass to Florida particularly Orlando... why? Because I'm going to Disney World Mom! Nah, fuck that (well I might go for a day). But I'm really going so I can see WrestleMania 33 in Orlando on April 2nd. I'm going April 1-6 and staying in some fancy pants resort. Why? Because when your in as much debt as I am you get to a point where you just say fuck it. Plus I wanted to cross going to Florida and Wrestlemania off my bucket list. Awkward turtle just wrote fucket list instead of bucket list, I was tempted just to leave it. Yup, she's like herpes, every time I try to get rid of her she just comes back. Just kidding the fucked up part is I made her type that. Anyway, I'm going there with the new wife and the new mom... so it should actually be fun and drama free. Of course just like in Vegas the third person that was suppose to go dropped out. Hopefully I can find someone to replace her by then... if not I may be hiring a hooker off the streets of Orlando, then I won't have to pay for their flight! Just kidding, I can probably survive with just two people but I don't really want to risk it.


But yeah, I'm on a roll lately with workers. The ex wife is threatening to leave me on the side of the road and I'm probably replacing her, gimpy blocked me on all social media and my phone number, guess she doesn't like jokes about me being her drug supplier, and the girl that dropped out of Orlando I'm pretty sure just pretended to ask for time off at her other job and then lied and said she couldn't get it just because she was mad at me. Either that she really did but her boss did say no because I know with this job she only comes once a week and calls out at least once a month. Yeah, if you called out that often and worked full time for me I wouldn't give you 5 days off either. Especially when you've been to Florida like 3 times in the last year. I used to not understand why she didn't work for me more when I actually pay better, but the new wife and the new mom help me figure it out the other night. When you work in a group home you have like at least 5 other people working with you and all you really have to do is make sure your clients don't die, literally! Here at my house, ya know sometimes you actually have to do work. Is it a coincidence that the last few times you called out were the same Tuesday nights that I had to actually do something? I highly doubt it! Maybe she's taking pointers from the ex wife on how to have a job but do as little work as possible without getting fired. I mean I did offer to ride all the way with her to Boston to pick up her mom from the airport and of course, just like the ex wife she came up with an excuse why that wouldn't work either! And then she got mad because I said her and her boyfriend deserve each other. Well they kind of do, I mean, lazy potheads who want to sit on the couch all day and do nothing but sleep, eat, work, watch tv, and play video games. Yeah, you too are a match made in heaven! The best part was she started threatening to tell my workers what I say about them... um hello have you read this blog? Anything I've written on here I have already said to their face or they have read it on here. If you hate your boyfriend that much then why are you with him? Or at least be smart enough not to bitch about it to me because you know I'm going to make a joke about it when you piss me off. Some people never learn! 

Quick Gimpy story about why she blocked me on everything. As you know, Gimpy lost half a foot slamming a go kart into the back of a van. Shit you not, look it up on the interwebs. Because of this, she's had a lot of surgeries on said foot, and I actually do feel bad about that. That being said, a couple weeks ago the new wife wasn't sure if she could work one of her shifts, luckily she ended up being able to. But, in the meantime I asked Gimpy if she could work the shift instead. She said she would have but she couldn't walk from her latest surgery. When I called bullshit on that, she went crazy on me and started swearing at me, classy thing to do for somebody that pays you. Yes, I know I'm an asshole but she was full of shit. Quite literally, she always talks to me about how she can't poop.  Stop popping pain pills and Molly, it might go along way. But anyway I knew she could walk because she was drunk texting me 3 days before asking me to drive all the way from Cheshire to East Hartford and then drop her off in Hamden to have a drunken hookup with some gross guy that looks like a pedophile.  If you're able to go to the bar and ask your boss to bring you on a drunken hookup (not awkward at all) then I'm pretty sure your capable of working. But fuck I wouldn't work either if my family owned a house with a three car garage and had houses in several foreign countries and paid for everything even though I don't work. I mean yeah I try to do that, but my mom cut me off a long time ago and I'm pretty sure we don't have spare houses in foreign countries or a three car garage. But hey this is the same chick that asked me to score her Molly and wasn't joking. So I guess it's my own fault for hiring all these winners. I imagine this is what she wanted me to find.


Finally, here are some of my upcoming shows.

12/29/16 - Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets are $10 purchase here 

1/17/17 Dante's Restaurant in Stratford at 8pm

1/19/17  Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets $10 purchase here

1/26/17   location TBA New London CT Roast Battle. I'm competing against 8 other comedians and if I win I get $100 so you fuckers better show up because the more support I have the more likely I am to win.
*WARNING: DO NOT ATTEND IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. I will be saying very fucked up things about the other people in the competition and they will be saying fucked up things right back at me. So for those of you that want to see me get ripped a new asshole this is perfect for you!*

Paleo Diet-This is a boring and not funny entry

I had to write this for a writing sample for a job I applied to..hopefully I get it..well this might not be funny or interesting to read to some people but I worked hard on it so I want you guys to read it anyways..

The key to the Paleo Diet is to basically eat like a caveman. In simple terms it means individuals on this diet should only eat items that can be hunted or found.

For example some things you can eat on the Paleo Diet are meats, fish, nuts, leafy vegetables, and seeds. If someone seriously wants to start the Paleo Diet then they cannot eat pasta, cereal or candy. However, it is a great way to learn how to make dishes such as chicken stir fry and paleo spaghetti.

The most difficult part of any diet is keeping track of calories and portion size. Most people who are dieting hate doing this. A benefit to the Paleo Diet is individuals on it will quickly learn that not all calories are created equal. There is a major difference between 400 calories of potato chips versus 400 calories of high quality meats and vegetables.  

If individuals on the Paleo Diet can learn to eat and try new foods, while completely removing other certain types of foods, then they can stop being concerned about counting calories forever. There are not many diets that do not make individuals on it count calories, while also allowing them to eat until they are no longer hungry, but the Paleo Diet does. It also helps individuals lose weight, build muscle, and get into shape.

When properly followed the Paleo Diet can be extremely effective, the reason being that the diet is based on how individuals ate before foods full of fats, sugars, and preservatives came along. Even though as a society, individuals have not been hunter-gatherers for a long time, our genetics have not changed much since then.

The average human being back then was tall, muscular, agile, athletic, and incredibly versatile. Now the average human being is, overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from a myriad of preventable diseases.

This happened because as people settled down and started forming societies, they became less active. As we became less active, and changed our eating habits it began to cause more health problems. In other words, over the last few hundred years our diet changed, but our genetics did not.

The United States Government still recommends 6-11 servings of grains per day. Yet, people keep getting heavier and heavier as a society. Two out of three people are overweight, and one out of three is considered obese. By being on the Paleo Diet it helps individuals focus on what they are biologically designed to eat. This allows us to reach our genetic potential and living a healthier lifestyle right away.

Now back to some funny shit. The Ex wife and I are actually getting along this week, maybe she felt threatened by the new wife, maybe she just really wants this awesome bobble head placed back in my bedroom.

Either way I'll keep my wheels crossed that it lasts.I'm actually trying to work my way out of the massive amount of debt that I have created. I have signed up for several secret shopper trips, sure they only pay 10-20$ a trip but every dollar counts, did I mention I'm constantly selling shirts on my website cripplecreation.com for the low low price of only 20$!! I even applied to be a substitute teacher in Meriden Public School and I got one of my new workers to agree to make the cripple van into an uber/lyft even though it falls apart every 10 minutes, but I'll take what I can get..I'm still pissed at Penelope (that's what i call the piece of crap cripple van) for getting a flat tire and costing me a comedy gig in NYC..it wasn't important to my career goals or anything. Here's some shows i have coming up, hopefully I'll get more soon and if I ever get paid to do one I'll really be excited!

12-14: Free show at 6 p.m at Chill Zone in New Haven for a friend of mine and one of my dads former students. I have to keep it clean which might be difficult for me but I'll try.

12-15, 12-29, 1-19: Comix at Mohegan Sun...all dates are Thursdays at 10 p.m with tickets starting at 10$ and I know most of my family is off from work on the 29th so you better come watch me perform if you haven't you cheap bastards!Tickets can be purchased online just make sure you check Bob Al Held at the checkout as the comedian you are going to see.

Finally I was devastated to watch SmackDown today because that soccer mom haircut wearing asshole AJ Styles beat the crap out of my boy James Ellsworth! He hit him in the back with a steel chair, and even did the Styles-Clash off the steel stairs onto the hard floor...needless to say it was the most horrific thing I've ever seen. He had to be put into a neck brace and get stretchered into an ambulance and my other favorite boy Dean Ambrose even went with him in the ambulance to the hospital that's how bad it was! It's because the chin has 3 wins over AJ and he recently won a title shot against him so I think he was afraid to go 0-4 against Ellsworth so he took him out of play..you heartless bastard..that was my 9-11! I have been in bed all day crying and wearing black trying to forgot that horrific sight or James being loaded into that ambulance! It's ok though, I know he will be back (besides the fact that wrestling is fake) plus, any man with two hands has a fighting chance... I truly believe it! Here's a picture of James after that disaster, it hurt just to post it.Also, not quite sure why he looks like a turtle without a shell.

At least Dean Ambrose beat the crap out of Aj Styles to get revenge for our boy James Ellsworth! If he's not back I'll start a riot.

Weird Fucking Week

Yeah, I know I haven't written in depth since Trump became president, or should I say president-elect... there is still time to assassinate him people. C'mon where is ISIS when you need 'em. For anyone who takes this seriously: learn what a fucking joke is. I wouldn't want Pence to be president anyway, he wants to take us back to the 1950's. Unless I can get a two-for-one special on my assassination attempts, now that the secret service is going to come kick my door in.. onto my crazy week!

Last week was Awkward Turtle's last week coming on a regular basis, and boy did she make sure I'd remember it! First there was Monday. When I was supposed to go with her, a fellow crip friend, and the New Wife who is taking her place to see Jake "The Snake" Roberts, at the Hartford Funnybone. Keywords in that last sentence, "supposed to". Yeah, I know what you're thinking..how funny can a former wrestler/drug addict be anyways, but whatever I got 4 tickets for $20 bucks, and I guess I'll never know, because I'm guessing even if he wants to come back and perform....or they want him to come back to perform... like most wrestlers from my childhood, he will probably die of a drug overdose before that happens.This is a picture clearly of him cracked out!

 Why did I never get there? Because my piece of shit van, that everyone insists is fine, despite the horrible rattling noises it makes, and currently the low tire pressure light is on for the 8,000th time in the last 6 months. Oh yeah, and the ramp and ramp door shit the bed so bad last month that it wouldn't even open, but yeah it totally runs fine! Also, it needs an oil change if any of you assholes wanna do it that read this. But yeah when we went to pick my friend up, the sliding door on the drivers side decided to come off its track and jam so it wouldn't shut, and despite Awkward Turtle and the New Wife's best efforts, they couldn't get it to shut. Did I mention it was about 45 degrees out, and I was in Durham, which is nowhere near where I live. Of course Awkward Turtle just stared at me not knowing what to do. So First, I had her try calling Triple A.... did I mention she couldn't find my AAA card even though it was right there in my wallet the whole fucking time? So then we had to call my mom to ask where it was, and as she politely screamed at Awkward Turtle on the phone, "IT SHOULD BE IN HIS WALLET AND THEY CAN'T HELP YOU ANYWAY". Turns out she was right! Apparently AAA can only legally help you by towing you or changing a tire. So yeah.... FUCK you AAA, not sure why we even have you! And even when I had Awkward Turtle ask the bitch on the phone, if they could help us anyway because two disabled men were stranded in the vehicle, she basically told us to go fuck ourselves and call 911. I shit you not, 911. And then she wondered why when I got on the phone with her and she asked how I was doing I said pissed off, how about yourself? Apparently she was having a great night, for those who might be wondering. So yeah, I really didn't wanna call 911 to tell them the door was stuck because I thought we would end up on that show on TLC about the dumbest 911 calls...so I told Awkward Turtle to call the Durham Police non-emergency line. But I made one mistake... when she was looking it up, I didn't specify Durham CT, and of course her dumb ass can't do anything without me saying it. I will say in her defense, I should have fucking known something was wrong when my crip friend said that Durham CT doesn't have it's own Police Dept, they use the State Police. But yeah, 10 minutes later a cop calls saying he can't find us, and after a five minutes conversation him and Awkward Turtle realized it's because she called the police in Durham fucking New Hampshire. So that was a waste of 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back, and at that point, I said obviously your too fucking dumb too do anything else, just call 911. Asshole, you bet I am! Finally a cop came and after playing around with the door for awhile somehow he got it back on track and closed. After that, I just wanted to go home, before he had to arrest me for killing someone, especially after my crip friend said"Oh Yeah, I thought that was the problem the whole time!" REally dude?!?! If that was the case why didn't you fucking tell us that 45 minutes ago so we could've fixed without calling Durham fucking NH and 911!

That was Monday, then on Wednesday, the Ex Wife decided to be a hemorrhoid on my hairy crippled asshole (you are welcome for that lovely description). Most people want to take in homeless animals.. I pick the bitch who wants to take in homeless fucking PEOPLE! And after you royally fucked me over, you really expect me to help you bring a homeless guy you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol to my house in one of the snobbiest towns in the fucking state?! Have you ever met my mother?!? Or any other women in this town? They are literally thee most judgemental fucking people in the entire world. My mom doesn't even want ME living in her house (well deserved), let alone a homeless man you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol. You do know Aaron Hernandez grew up in Bristol right? Just because you meet your customers there (yes that was drug dealer and prostitution joke), doesn't mean I have to be involved. Apparently, it was okay though because his story checked out on Facebook! Last year people thought I was Lip Gallagher from Shameless on Facebook and Twitter, uhhh so yeah, it's not hard to fool people on social media. Even though she adamantly states that we were never officially together, and I have no right to be mad over her getting pregnant by another dude.... by the way he supposed works at Yale New Haven Hospital, but who knows the Ex Wife lies about everything. And even if she isn't lying, he probably scrubs toilets there as part of his prison release program at best. Whatever, dude deserves it. Supposedly he said to kill it when he found out, and then magically re-appeared in her life when she lost it and wants back in....ya I might be a cripple asshole that blows up every bodys shit in this blog but I still bought that baby food, clothes, and a lot of other shit that his "father" never did. And even after you lost the baby, I didn't ask for any of that stuff back, even though I am as poor as you are, because I told you to sell it and keep the money for yourself. But yeah, go back to him, you two probably deserve each other. Despite all this, you got awfully butthurt when I finally stood up to you and said "No you can't sneak a homeless guy into my house tonight, or keep him here while your working tomorrow". You live in your own apartment, take him there! Your crazy ass roommate is so far up your ass she will agree to anything you say. Like the fact that Michelle Obama apparently worked for ABC News back in 2001, and despite the Ex Wife she was a fucking moron for thinking this, her roommate still said, oh it could be possible....Yep, these are the fucking idiots I deal with! And then you got scared when you said you might be late to work the next day because you were scared to have him stay overnight in your apartment, and wouldn't be sleeping well....uhhhhh doesn't that tell you right there this was a horrible idea?! This is how horror movies start! EVen though I kept saying this is no longer my problem anymore because I  have a new (better) Wife, and I'm no longer getting involved in your bullshit. You still had the tits to say "but yeah what do I do Robert". What part of not my fucking problem anymore don't you understand? Sorry I dont want to help shitty people who constantly do shitty things to me, who threaten not to show up to work, quit, or get a new job every time they are mad at me. You don't want me in your life like that yet you get mad when I try to put distance between us? And oh yeah, move on with someone else. Karma's a bitch, BITCH!

Gimpy didn't even work last week, but maybe since it was her friend Awkward Turtle's last week, she wanted to make it memorable... Either that or shes mad that I don't write about her in my blog as much as I used too. First, she kept asking me for advice on how to be a hoe. Not sure what she thinks I do with my life that I can teach her how to be a hoe, and last time I checked I don't have a vagina. Yeah, um... I'm a man hoe, there's a big difference. Then it got better, at first I thought she was kidding but she kept asking me if I could get her molly from another girl that works for me who goes to a lot of raves. She tried to play it off like she wanted it for the new dude shes trying to fuck...ya know the same one she wants to learn how to be a whore for! This guy works as a nurse at Yale New Haven hospital...between this dude and the ex wife's baby daddy I'm never going to that hospital again! I don't even know why Gimpy wants this dude he looks like a rapist / pedophile. Also, there's this awful picture of him wearing a bow tie, with no shirt, holding a puppy for some stupid calendar that she decided to show me for some fucking reason and now I can't get the awful image out of my head.This isn't the exact photo, but its pretty close complete with douche man bun.

 But it gets better.. the drugs that she was bothering me to try to get her for 2 fucking days wasn't even for him it was for Gimpy and Awkward Turtle! First of all you're asking your boss to ask another one of his employees to score you drugs, and second I have known the 2 of you for a year and a half and the other worker for 3 years you don't think she was going to tell me about this. Plus, aren't you kind of a shitty friend for throwing Awkward Turtle under the bus for something she was involved in without my knowledge and the best part is you're still trying to lie about it..oh yeah i just wanted to ask her about how to be a hoe and going to raves.. really that's why you said you wanted her number from me so you ask someone you barely know how to be a hoe because that's not offensive! Plus, when you have been asking me to have her try and get you molly for 2 straight days and then text her, "hey so and so, this is Gimpy, Awkward Turtle and I have a question for you"..What the FUCK else would you be asking about..you really thought the best route was to ask your boss..the 2 of you are from Berlin, where I'm pretty sure someone dies there of an overdose daily and you don't know any drug dealers I know for a fact that the brother of the guy that the Creepy Canadian goes out with is a huge druggy and could probably get you whichever drugs. Especially, since you went to high school with him, why did you think coming to me was your best option? Better yet why did you think to come to me at all? I'll never be the crippled version of Walter White no matter how bad I need money because if I got caught for dealing do you know how much I would be ass raped in jail!? With that lovely thought have a great night everyone.

This is what I imagined The crippled Walter White drug dealer version of me to look like...

This is a picture of Yale New Haven Hospital so you know where to NEVER go in case of an emergency after the lovely stories I just wrote about

Joe Buttermann

JOE FREAKIN BUTTERMANN

I created a new persona..... his name is Joe Freakin Buttermann. I will write more about him later in the day since its almost 4am, and i gots to get my beauty rest til 1pm. I signed one of those secret online petitions and I said that was my name, and I think I'm going to stick with it! Joe has a brother named Glenn, who is apparently a radiologist, but nobody gives a fuck about Glenn. Not even his brother, Joe Freakin Buttermann. Joe didn't even want a brother but decided he would just deal with it because hes Joe Freakin Buttermann. Last thing i heard from Glenn that he would be working in president elect Trump's Cabinet... Last week, I was joking he would be our next president, sadly now its not a joke! But, Joe Buttermann don't care... Know why? Because hes Joe Freakin Buttermann. This is what I imagined Joe to look like..... The sad part is, I could actually see myself looking like this in 20 years! So here he is.... The Man... The Myth... The Legend Joe Freakin Buttermann. 

 

Why I love people

Not only do I know several people who voted for Donald Trump today, but I'm starting to understand how this racist, sexist bastard is going to become our next President in a few hours. He appeals to all the delusional white trash that think they'll be rich one day and that he will protect der moneys, guns, property, and keep this here job in 'MERICA! He's filed bankruptcy several times, pays no federal income tax, has shipped several of his companies overseas for cheaper labor, and builds his properties in the United States with products and illegal workers from other countries. But Hillary sent some private emails on a public government server and might take guns away from the mentally ill..... so this guy should DEFINITELY be President, for all the great reasons I listed above. Not to mention he wants to ban Muslims from our country, when his wife is a foreigner who illegally worked in our country. Maybe he grabbed her by the pussy to bring her here. Look, I hate politics, it makes stupid people think they know how to sound smart, and know what they're talking about.... I don't even like Hillary either, I didn't vote for her. I voted for Gary Johnson, but fuck... if any other Republican had been running, I would've broken my mom's heart and probably voted for them.

Now on to my exciting day! This is what happens when I wake up at 9 am instead of noon. Fuck productivity, all it does is make me fight with random assholes and the ex wife. All this stuff happened before noon today except for the last story.

First, the ex wife whom we have decided to remain amicable, for the sake of our cats, especially Flappy.. that poor fat fuck can't handle our divorce. Yeah, I know it's fucked up that she still works for me and totally unhealthy, but I'll always care for her no matter how badly I want to murder her, and I'll always consider her a good friend. Anyway... last night I told her if she wasn't gonna make an effort to turn me and open the garage door for my worker coming to take over for her in the morning, then to just leave when I went to bed at 1 am... I would pay her til 2 am because she lives far from me, and because my mom was home if something happened, and BBM was coming in at 8 am before my mom left for work. But she insisted that she had to stay because Allied, the state run agency that pays my workers during the day, said she can't abandon me... Uhhh, my mom pays out of pocket for the overnight shifts so it doesn't matter what Allied says about that. Plus I'm your boss, if I want you to go home, GO HOME! I'm trying to avoid fighting with you. So this morning when I texted her after she left, that I was only paying her til 2 am, because she really did nothing but sleep after that, she said if I didn't pay her til 8 am, she would call Allied and report me for fraud. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! Allied doesn't pay for the overnight hours, my mom does, so therefore, those hours don't go on your Allied time sheet and they have no say over what time you get paid until if your here at night. I told her if she had a problem with it she could talk to my mom... keep in mind this whole time, if she had just said I'm sorry, I'll try harder to wake up during the night and do what I'm supposed too, I would've dropped it and paid her for the whole shift... but nah the ex wife has to a bitch and make things as difficult and dramatic as possible. So I finally called her out on her bullshit and called Allied myself, and had them put a note in my file with her name on it saying that she had been threatening me and trying to write fraudulent time sheets with hours she didn't work. Why do people try to out asshole the ultimate asshole? She then flipped out and said she quit because I was being childish... hold for laughter...and that lasted about two hours until the next crazy shit went down that had nothing to do with her. she is forgiven now and back to working for me, big fucking surprise. I have the healthiest relationships in my life I swear.

So I pride myself on being really honest in this blog, even if it makes me look like an asshole... So this is going to be a looong story, but heres how it went... There is a girl who worked for me. I used to refer to her as "the mom", because she is a mom... and at first, she worked for me a lot and everything was fine... not really sure what changed. I mean yes I'm a man whore, and she's married, but I'll get to that. Full disclosure, I'm a creepy crippled pervert and I'll take it whenever I can get it... Soo yeah, did I ask the mom to jerk me off the first time? Hell yeah I did! But can I physically make anyone do anything? Hell no I can't! Have I asked other workers... Some who have said yes, some who have randomly never come back, hell yeah. But in my defense, I can't even move my hands to jerk myself off so what the fuck do you want me to do?! I'm a guy! And for the record, plenty of girls have said no, and I want to be crystal clear.. I don't ask everyone.. And the ones that have said no, and the ones I've never even bothered to ask, are still here. Hell, one of them has been here four years. So I can't be that fucking creepy. So now that that's out of the way, and my mom and sister have stabbed their eyeballs out, I asked the mom to jerk me off the first time, and she said yes...Then she said she felt bad for doing it because she was married. So I dropped it, and then one day she came in pissed off at him, and said "if you need me to help you with that, I got you", and if you know the mom, you know thats a saying she always says...Not only that, but as it kept happening she decided to brag to another girl we went to high school with about what she was doing with me.. It was a lot more than jerking off after awhile. But she's the one that decided to brag to her friend about this. Of course her friend didn't believe her because she's married. So one day when the mom and I were doing our thing, she asked if she could send a picture that nobody wants to see to her friend... I give no fucks about anything so I said sure. Picture is still on my phone as proof, the mom has tattoos on her feet so its def her. Fast forward to a few months later and the mom finds out that her husband and the same friend have been sexting and sending inappropriate pictures to each other. Really, your going to get upset when not only have you been hooking up with me, but you openly admitted to all of this that you sent inappropriate photos of yourself to this girls ex boyfriend. Pot meet kettle! For whatever reason, most likely out of spite, the mom decided to tell her husband about her and I hooking up, but of course played it of like someone I made her do it. Um, I can't move my fucking arms and she worked for me for 6 months after that. I don't think she was forced into anything. But believe what you want dude. I'm not married to her, thank god for small favors. However, after that being the control freak that he was, she openly admitted that he hated her working and wouldn't let her if she didn't make more money than him, welcome to 2016 asshole. Whoops there goes that secret! No wonder they support Trump! So I knew it was only a matter of time before she was going to quit. She made some bullshit story up about her mother in law being sick so she had to stay home to take care of the baby. Don't think it was actually true, but she said I'll probably be able to come back to work in September, feel free to ask me to fill in during that time and after even if I don't come back. So, that was in July and occasionally I would ask and either get no response or some random photo or text that had nothing to do with what I asked. She also knows I struggle often to find people to help me so not only did I ask her if she knew anybody that might want to work for me, but I asked all my workers that. After several no responses or unrelated ones I told her if she wanted me to stop asking to just tell me and I would. She sort of did saying she was never going to come back to work but I wasn't asking her to come back on a regular basis, plus I was just asking if she knew anyone who might be interested in working for me. So, last Friday I asked a bunch of people including her if they could drop everything for 3.5 hours at the last minute and I would give them $40 right away. She didn't respond like usual. And I never found someone but whatever I was desperate. Yesterday awkward turtle told me she found a new job and put her two weeks in. So again I was asking current/former workers if they knew anyone would want to work for me because awkward turtle works a lot of hours for me so I have a lot of shifts to cover asap. I asked the mom this last night along with 15 other people and she responded at 11am today... "I've asked before so I will again. Stop texting me asking to work for you or if I know anyone. It's really annoying." Yeah I called her a fake phony cunt and told her no wonder her husband always cheats on her but then I blocked her to stop any further correspondence from now on. I thought it was a dead issue until my phone went off an hour later with this beautiful message from her white trash husband that doesn't even know how to spell her name right. Read for yourself here.  Just like Nathan Fahs did to me in high school all the time. Seriously mother fucker if you ever read this have the balls to tell me where your at so I can pay somebody to kick your ass. Assuming you didn't die in the gutter like some of your friends we went to high school with who overdosed. Cheshire is a rich town but for such a rich town there sure is a lot of white trash who grew up here. Did I mention Nate's mom fucked one of our history teachers in high school? Or maybe it was his best friends mom, either way, classy!

Takes a tough man to threaten a disabled person. And this was my beautiful response.

 Notice how all he could respond back was haha I got you buddy, proof that that is all he can come back with. And really the mom. your such a cry baby bitch that you had to get your husband involved in this. Hell yeah I saved his fucking text like he told me to. And hell yeah I'm putting it on blast in my blog and on social media. I don't care that you saved the text where I called her a cunt. Fuck she's told me you called her that a million times. Its okay for you to say it but not me? She's just like 95% of the fake ass bitches I grew up with in Cheshire. There's a reason why I hate where I live and want to move. I purposely left his phone number in it. His name is Eric Bresnahan if anybody would like to publicly shame, call, or text him and his lovely wife is Michele with one L, because I know how to spell it. Maiden name Garrow. And this is why I will never hire somebody I went to high school with again.

Also got into a facebook message fight with a comedian that I thought was being a douche. I was also being a douche but again I have a problem with people trying to act superior to me mostly because of where I grew up. Fast summary of what happened, he was looking for perform clean comedy routines on his public access show this coming Monday... I offered my services because any exposure is good exposure and he said as long as I kept it clean like no sex jokes or anything. So I wrote challenge accepted, quoting Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Not meaning that he was handing me the job just meaning that I wanted to take the challenge on if he would let me. He then wrote that's not how this works so no thanks. I thought comedians were suppose to have a sense of humor, but maybe he lost it in his giant hair. Again, just a joke, and he just said I'm not going to throw somebody on TV when I don't know if they'll keep it clean, this isn't an open mic night, making it sound like that's all I've ever performed at, because any asshole can perform at those. And yes I have performed at several, some well, some not so well. But I've been asked to perform at the comedy club at Mohegan Sun, the Funny Bone in Manchester, a couple restaurants, and oh yeah Broadway comedy club in New York City, so I'm not some hack comedian with a rubber chicken on my head telling knock knock jokes and yelling "hamburger" (look it up then you'll get it).  Yeah, I said douchey said to him and was a prick to but don't like your better than me and Kevin fucking Hart or something. I've seen you performing at the same show at the Funny Bone that I was asked to perform at. Whatever I'll apologize in a few days because I know he's been around for a few years and is well established and I don't want to be blacklisted from performing in CT even thought I hate this fucking state. I still live here. Sometimes you have to kiss ass and make up even when you don't want to. If your reading this, I really have no hard feelings and I just talk shit in here to make myself feel better, but next time if you want me to provide a video of me doing clean comedy to prove I'm funny that's fine, just don't ask superior about it, unless you actually are Kevin Hart! Yes, myself included, all comedians are sensitive assholes I guess. Hopefully Donald Trump is not president by the time I publish this. Goodnight America!

I love Unicorns

No Gimpy wasn't here again but I have several funny stories to write about in here anyway. I did it, I finally snapped. Well I snap on everyone but this time it was BBM aka Big Boobs McGee... on social media... I tried to be cryptic about it by writing this tweet last night.

However, she must not have got it or did not get that it was directed at her. Because it happened again today. I logged on to my facebook and instagram and what am I bombarded with? Pics of BBM out partying and drinking dressed like a hoe hoe for Halloween. I get it every girl around her age posts slutty Halloween photos of themselves. But Jesus Christ, the only pictures she ever posts are of pictures of herself dressed in skimpy outfits out getting drunk. I'm sorry but after a while nobody wants to keep seeing that no matter how pretty you are. Well certain people do, they're called perverts and sex offenders. You know the ones that message you on social media asking you to do porn, yeah, those guys like looking at all the photos you post of yourself. You had the same boyfriend for over a year, so who exactly are who trying to appeal to/impress with these photos? Plus your poor father who sees this. Is it really worth it to get 100 likes or whatever your trying to do? So I finally snapped and wrote this comment today. Don't worry I cropped the person out who I wrote it to, but it needed to be said.

Okay, now that she hates me and probably won't come back to work (she only comes 1 day a week now anyways). Honestly the only people that ever fucking show up to work are awkward turtle and one of the new girls that I hired. Apparently everyone else that works for me thinks that between the two of them, they can just average working 84 hours a week without a problem. Hows that for some fancy math? Mr. Luigi ... (not sure if I spelt that right it was 15 years ago), you did teach me something you gay asshole. For the record, I don't care that he was gay even though he never admitted it, but he was such a fucking asshole. He used to tell kids to drop out of school and go work at McDonalds because thats all they would ever amount to, and he wasn't kidding. That's alright, my other math teachers at CHS were all winners as well. The one I had freshman year got arrested for a hit-and-run shortly after I graduated. Then the guy I had my junior and senior year was a total pervert... cause I would know haha. Rumor has it that he was living with one of his former female students when I graduated.  And he looked like Hagrid from Harry Potter. But hey, if that's what your into.  Math was always my least favorite subject in school, I'm starting to think that these award winners were the reason why.

Well that paragraph went sideways in a hurry. But yeah, I already had someone quit who just started two months ago. She was one of those people that was always looking to have problems with everyone. The weirdest part was that she would always bitch about me to the other new girl that started at the same time. First of all, you guys weren't friends before you both started working for me at the same time, and second, you didn't think the other girl would tell me this? To top it off she would come here and be all nice and act like she was my best friend. Um you've read my blog, I know you have because your an idiot, therefore you know I'm an asshole and love to shred people on here. So now its your turn. I'm sorry that you're so miserable that you feel the need to find problems with everyone to make yourself feel better. I can relate, I used to be that way but I'm trying to get better at it. Its called taking prozac, and finding healthy hobbies that make you happy. You know, not shit talking everyone your supposedly friends with and saying fake people are when you're the fakest bitch in the bunch. Its not my fault that you've had two children with a man who won't marry you because clearly he doesn't love you, if he did he would have put a ring on it by now. And you obviously don't love him either but stay with him because you don't want to support two children on your own and you don't think he'll be part of their life after you leave. Nah, you haven't told me any of this but I'm good at analyzing people, and its pretty easy to read you chick. Also, why would I want someone working for me who has a boyfriend... who can call him your husband but y'all ain't married, and probably never will be... who is so insecure he gets upset every time you come to work at night because he actually has to take care of the kids and what does he think that we're screwing the whole time you're here? No that was Michele's, job. Hi Michele! If you're reading this, now you can get mad too. But no, I'm not actually talking about you. Then, you get mad at me when I say its not my fault your "husband" is an insecure asshole who just doesn't want you to work, so why are you working for me? He obviously just wants you at home barefoot and pregnant, cooking and cleaning all day. No Michele, not fucking talking about Eric. Not everything's about you bitch.
So yeah, future advice, if you're going to work for me, but your husband, boyfriend, lesbian lover, Caitlyn Jenner, unicorn, or whoever you're screwing is going to be too insecure to have you working here, please don't apply. Especially if he's going to beat you for it so you have to say you walked into a door so you can't come to work. Okay, this may be an exaggeration and might not have happened but I'm pretty sure its more close to the truth than I'm comfortable with.

Finally, here's a picture my grandma found of some artwork I made when I was a kid. In honor of her birthday I'm posting on here. Look I used to be sweet and nice. And also, to prove the joke is true, here is the empty pill bottle full of old birthday candles that my mom keeps. Just a joke mom don't get mad. But seriously they're less than a dollar at the dollar store.

Hello Friends

Sorry I have not written on here in a while. I am sure my thousands of readers are just so disappointed, by that I mean about five people. I have been busy with my sit down comedy career. Yea I guess it is not technically a career since I have not actually gotten paid to do any shows, in fact I have had to bring people to most of my shows so technically I am actually paying them to preform for five to ten minutes which I am pretty sure it is called slavery but I do not have any black friends so I would not know. Lets see how many people I offend and get mad at that. I would tell that joke at my show but I am afraid people will kill me, just like I have a great Hitler joke but there are a lot of Jews in show business so I probably will not be able to tell it but I will write it on here. With all the bad things that have happened to me in my life I swear I was Hitler in a past life, that would explain my hatred toward Jews. Again that was a joke so do not get butt hurt reading it.

Gimpy decided to help me tonight and since I slept from 3am to 1pm and then took a nap from about 7pm to 8:30pm I decided that 2 am on Saturday morning would be a great time to update my blog. Since she has not been here in a while here is a great story that could only come from Gimpy, being a cripple like myself and being a total failure in the dating world, Gimpy decided to be like every other creepy single person in the world and get herself on a dating app. I imagine her profile said one footed girl seeks a man to carry her for long walks down the beach, enjoys wine tasting and picnics and doesn't mind being seen with a girl wearing slippers in public everywhere she goes. Also, the only place she will eat and sleep is in her own house and if that is a problem for you then that is a deal breaker oh yea and no vomiting ever otherwise you are dead to her. My friend that is obsessed with Gimpy now you know how to win her heart. Ew for whoever wants too she is on bumble bitches I don't know what the fuck that is even though I downloaded the app. So today Gimpy told me she had the brilliant idea of going to a random mans house she met on bumble but its ok they have been snapchatting for a week so she thinks he is safe. Also, he is a nurse at Yale so somehow that doesn't make him a serial killer. Supposedly, she went over there to see his new kittens and then she got mad at me when I joked yea that those weren't the only pussies he saw that day. Then she wanted tips on how to live the hoe life what the hell do you think I do with myself that I live the hoe life... just because I used to be a frequent strip club customer, and I have hired 2 former strippers to take care of me, have hooked up with a married women, and hooked up with a girl and her roommate all at the same time does not make me a hoe, oh wait that is exactly what I am. So speaking of hoes Gimpy's cousin who in her defense she told me not to hire but I did for like two weeks, well thank God I fired her even though she insisted she was not banging heroin. Well, turns out the girl that doesn't do drugs even though her kids were court ordered taken away from her for that exact reason, got choked out by her drug dealer because she owed him money and then when her dad came home her dealer also shot him too. I am also assuming he owed him money. Swear to God this is all true google it. 35 year old man shoots 63 year old Bristol Ct man to death in driveway. I am just glad that it was not me and my mom getting shot to death in our driveway. If anyone is going to come shoot us to death its all the bookies that I owe gambling money to. Again just a joke. Anyways crack head cousin is now in rehab using a hot cell phone to plan her escape because apparently she just wants to die. I am not going to say the world would be better off, but I will just imply it with this sentence yes cripples can go to hell.

I was going to write a paragraph bitching out someone who use to work for me but it is almost 2:30 and Gimpy forced me to take 3 allergy tablets because she secretly wants me to die... I am not her crack head cousin what the fuck? So instead I will just tell you where the rest of my shows are this month come see me I am funny damn it. Lets see how many people I can offend between my blog and my sit down comedy routine.

November 9 at 5pm New Haven
November 10th at Comix at Mohegan Sun Ct
November 17th at Comix at Mohegan sun Ct
November 29th at Broadway Comedy club in NYC BABYYY
there may or may not be more depending on what other offers I get or if I feel like dragging my fat lazy hairy crippled ass to any open mic nights throughout Ct.

Here is a picture of my blonde hair.... and a picture of me preforming in NYC ok I am sitting outside the club and I look retarded but you get the idea.

JoJo

Did you know she's still alive? Well she is dammit. And apparently awkward turtle met her yesterday. And got a hug from her. Jealous? You bet I am, even if she was wearing a hideous white poncho. I felt a little sad for her thought when AT aka awkward turtle told me that she was performing at some bar in Hartford and only 20 people got invited and she performed like 3 new songs of which AT only knew 1. Okay it was a radio contest so truthfully only like 20 people were invited, but that doesn't make it sound as funny. So basically she spent more time driving to and from there then she did at the show. But, she still got to meet her so I'm jealous. But its a good thing JoJo didn't meet me. Because lets face it, when she saw me she would have never let me go. And I like to be single and ready to mingle. Gotta keep my options open once I become a famous sit-down comedian. Apparently, she has a new song with Wiz Khalifa. Again, didn't know she was making new music. And she didn't perform any of her classics. I would have yelled "I'm not gunna get out right now until its too little too late" until she performed those greats. Here is a picture of her in her hideous white poncho.

(not pictured awkward turtle, but I picked this one because the girls eyes are closed so its pretty funny)

In other news. AT just spelt news with a K (knews). The people that work for me are so smart. Sometimes when I get up in the morning, ya know around noon, I listen to the repeat of Boomer and Carton in the morning on CBS sports network. Those not cool enough to know, they are the morning show from 6-10am on WFAN the sports talk radio station out of NY. Anyways, today they were talking about the kicker for the New York Giants Josh Brown. It was reported last night that there were emails and journal entries where he openly admitted to physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing his ex-wife and children. He was arrested for domestic violence in the off-season and suspended for the first game of this season, but he lied and made it sound like it wasn't as bad as it was. From what I heard, this guy is disgusting and does not deserve to be playing in the NFL so don't take this the wrong way. Craig Carton said as much as his show this morning. But this is the same guy who admits he is good friends with Ray Rice. For those that don't know, there's a video of Ray Rice knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator in Atlantic City and dragging her body out of the elevator. Months after this happened, he had Rice on his show and tried to say what a great guy he was and that he just made one terrible mistake. Carton also tried to make the case that Ray Rice deserved another shot to play in the NFL. So let me get this right... a guy who was on video punching his wife and knocking her out should get to play again in the NFL, but the Giants kicker is the biggest piece of garbage in the world and should never play football again? Hypocrite much? Luckily for the rest of the world, nobody ever gave Ray Rice a second change. Normally I like Carton and thing he's funny even though he could be a bit of an asshole. This was definitely the stupidest and most hypocritical thing that I ever heard him say but he also hosts the sports radio talk show when I don't think he actually ever played sports. He just happened to get on a show with a former quarterback from the New York Jets. Why can't I get that lucky? Here's a picture of Carton, I tried to make him look as douchey as possible












 Ray Rice video for those who forgot


Finally major props today to my worker who legit asked me Oh why'd you never wanna be alone at home by yourself? Oh I don't know, because I can't move my arm if it falls of the controller, I can't pick my head up if its falls over, so I won't be able to breathe after a while, and I have no way of calling 911 or even getting out of the house if an emergency happens. This was because the girl coming after her was going to be ten minutes late because her car broke down and god forbid she had to stay til 5:10 instead of 5. For somebody who claims they care about me so much they sure seem to not be able to get away from me fast enough. Also, this is the same chick who has showed up late or not at all with no fucks given about the person coming before or after her having to stay with me til we figured out who was coming in for her. And then she wonders why shitty things always happen to her... um I don't know because you're a shitty person? And she can't figure out why my family, most of my other workers, and myself 50% of the time can't stand her.... well maybe its because you show up if/when you feel like it, complain then sit on your phone the whole time you're here. Freak out if you have to take me anywhere, and spazz out if we're not back before your shifts over. Here's an idea, if you want to be a lazy piece of shit and not work all day then collect welfare and social security, try to pop out a few more welfare babies, move down south into a double wide, and do what the rest of your family does, sue and collect government benefits for made up illnesses and bullshit injuries. And then blame the rest of the world for all your problems. Yup, one day I hope you read this and it pisses you off. But after all I've done for you I give few to no fucks anymore. Today I tell the creepy Canadian, "Oh you were actually early after all that freaking out" because she showed up at 4:55. She was like yeah I rushed here so you wouldn't be left home by yourself. And the other girl has the balls to say "I've never left you by yourself." Technically true, but you threaten to leave in the middle of shifts, ask other workers to come in, or call my mom like a 5-year-old to tattle tale on me. Not to mention as soon as you saw awkward turtle pull in the driveway yesterday you sprinted out the door. Then you wonder why I preferred to sit and stare at a blank computer screen for 2.5 hours rather than talk to you or ask you for help yesterday. Umm because you never listen to anything I say anyways because your always arguing with your lesbian roomate on the phone. At least you finally figured out your straight I guess since you did get knocked up by some random dude... allegedly... or at least he probably paid your bills or something because we all know you use people until they're no longer useful to you. And that's all I have to say about that.

This isn't what she looks like but if she keeps acting and living like she does this is what I imagine she'll look like one day. Yes, I googled crackwhore to find this picture.  

This one time at cripple camp

You don't want to know the rest, and if you really do come see my act. Some fucked up shit went down there. I'll never forget you camp Hemlocks in Hebron CT or the eagle rock I would always start crying at on the way to be dropped off because I knew it meant we were almost there and god I hated that fucking place. But who would have thought all these years later it would be providing hilarious material for my stand-up routine. Anyway, I have lots of shows coming up and I need to bring anywhere from 3 to 5 people to all of them so I'll write the info below. What? We all have to start somewhere, sure right now I'm doing free shows that I have to get my family (who mostly hates me) and my friends (mostly imaginary) and my workers (mostly morons) to go and pay usually $10 plus $1.73 fee for Mohegan shows. The one at the Funny Bone is free if you use the promocode CLASH when you call for tickets. All you have to do is say your there to see your boy Bob Al Held when you pick them up. Anyway here's my upcoming schedule.

Oct 12 (Van permitting) at the Chill Zone in New Haven at 5pm.  Its a clean show for the easily offended

Oct 26th - Clash of the Comics at the Funny Bone in the Manchester Mall... you can get in for free again by using the promocode CLASH and mentioning your favorite cripple Bob Al Held is the performer you're there to see

Oct 27th / Nov 10th/ Nov 17th -  Comix Mohegan Sun shows start at 10pm and tickets are $10 plus a $1.73 fee

Here's videos of my last two performances so you can see how fucking hilarious I am.

Also, here is my newest shirt design to go with one of my jokes. As soon as they are ordered and delivered it will be sold at all my shows plus on my website cripplecreation.com.  I know you want one so you can help me go to Vegas in February. For the haters out there reading this, I don't care what I have to do for money or sell I'M GOING BACK! New shirt picture here

I haven't talked shit about anyone on here in a while so I will be doing so now. Unfortunately my worker deleted the message so I can't prove it 100% but this chick that is an executive producer on Channel 3 WFSB in CT News was selling a really fancy purse on one of those Tagsale groups on Facebook. I don't remember what brand because I'm not gay, but I know it was some fancypants one. Now keep in mind this chick probably got this bag for free at one of the events she went to for WFSB. Not only did she get mad at my worker for not giving her the full asking price for the purse, but she also bragged about spending $400 just to get it fixed. Fuck, if you want to waste $400 help me buy a flight or two to Vegas. But yeah just because you're some rich entitled bitch that thinks you're a big deal because you produce stories about not forgetting your baby in the backseat and how to survive a bear attack doesn't give you the right to be a bitch to whoever you want. So Stephanie Hoey, I just want to give a special fuck you shout out on my blog to you. Here's the bitch in question she even looks like a C U Next Tuesday... I can't get a real reporting job but this nice lady can.


Finally, this is a funny story about the creepy Canadian that works for me. First, and yes this story will be going in my act, one day her and I were watching the news. On it, there was a story about how they are trying to make Narcan (no idea how to spell it) more available to EMTs and emergency room doctors. But for those that don't know, it is a drug that helps people who are overdosing to stop, so basically it can save a lot of lives. However, when the creepy Canadian saw it she said good I'm glad its not as available right now they should just let people die. Um, creepy Canadian don't you work in a hospital where they have saved people in front of you with this? What kind of people are they saving that you feel this way? Also, your in charge of my personal well being 20-30 hours a week, I hope I'm never dying in front of you otherwise your response might be ehhh just let him die he had a good run. But he's 31, which is 75 in cripple years, its time to old yeller him.  Aka take him out back and shoot him in the head. Now that shes pissed at me for writing all this, she got this funny recall letter in the mail about her car recently. Its hard to read but basically it says we know there's a problem and that it needs to be fixed but they're not going to fix it until sometime in 2017. So yeah basically they're saying you might blow up and die but fuck you we don't care before the new year. Good luck and drive safe! May the odds be forever in your favor. Whatever car company made this vehicle, I do not want it when I get a new cripple van. hahaha I'm funny thats never happening. Unless I somehow survive it blowing up with me inside!