Eat Shit and Die

Trashboat never accepted my friend request.....fuck that bitch she is dead to me. I had big plans for her and putting her in my comedy routines but now she is just that one random tennis shoe you see on the side of the highway sometimes.

Anyway, yesterday I was bored so I went to Foxwoods to watch the finals of the New England Patriots cheerleader auditions. What? You are surprised? Have you not read this blog to hear how creepy and weird I am! It was free and it was open to the public in my defense and thanks to another worker biting the dust, which I'll write about in a minute, I was fat and depressed....mostly fat somewhat depressed...so I needed something to do to get me out of the house. See by the bitch quitting on Friday when she was supposed to be here that night, I had to cancel yet another show, plus the piece of shit van was leaking oil anyways. Hopefully it gets fixed tomorrow because I am going to SmackDown on Tuesday at Mohegan Sun! Before anybody says it, ill just say it, my mom bought my workers ticket and my friend bought his and my ticket. I currently have $-1500 between my two bank accounts, 4 maxed out credit cards, and a maxed out paypal credit. So yeah....any help you want to send my way to my new van fund would be greatly appreciated. Click HERE!!  You know before bill collectors and fat Tony start coming to my house looking for me, the bill collectors have already started calling.

Yeah so they Patriot cheerleader tryouts were fun to watch for all the perverted reasons you can think of. Minus the annoying frat guys who stood behind me making a running commentary about what was wrong with each girl, which is funny because you know none of those guys could get any of those girls who were on stage unless they slipped a roofie into their drink as frat guys like to do, ALLEGEDLY!! But seriously...they were fat and gross. As were a lot of people there, it was way more fun people watching then watching the hot girls on stage. First of all there was two guys in the crowd, one looked like Dolph Ziggler from WWE and the other looked like The Miracle Mike Bennett formerly on Impact Wrestling. I don't have any pictures of the look a-likes sorry to say. But here are the real guys they look like.

Then there was the women who used to be hot, I'm guessing they were either the moms of the girls trying out or former Patriot cheerleaders themselves reliving their glory days which is just sad on so many levels. Either way they were dressed way too inappropriately for woman of their age and they smelled like old lady perfume, why do old women feel the need to bath in old lady perfume? It doesn't hide the fact that you are trying to relive your glory days by smelling like a hooker. The problem is, you no longer look like a hot hooker, you look like one of those crack whore hooker. Also, to really sound like an asshole, judging by some of the family members and attendants, I feel sorry for these girls future boyfriends, husbands, or girlfriends hey I don't judge, because if they look like their moms or whoever these women were in 20 years it'll be like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin puts on after shave for the first time and yells really loud because it burns so bad...except it will be their eyes burning.

Plus I hate the Patriots so I don't feel bad writing this, I am a die hard Giants fan and for some stupid reason they don't have cheerleaders. Thanks dad. The Jets have cheerleaders and they are pretty fucking hot and all of his friends growing up were Jets fans, but oh no you had to root for the Giants and brainwash me to root for the Giants. This is just sarcasm people don't take this too serious. But I think whoever judges the Patriots cheerleaders maybe a wee bit racist. There were like 3 Black girls out of the 95 finalists and 2 of them went right at the beginning so you completely forgot about them, no Asians that I saw, who doesn't love a hot Asian and there might have been some Hispanics but honestly some of the girls were so orange from their bad tanning habits that I couldn't tell if they were Hispanic or just trying to get a part as an Oompah-Loompah in the next reboot of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory or they are trying to be the presidents next future wife. Melania is getting up there in age it's almost time for him to trade her in for a new younger hotter version as he likes to do every so often. Ivana Trump anyone? Look it up millennial's! Of course at the end each girl got one minute to go up and choreograph a dance number to a song of their choice. A lot of them were songs I have heard several times back in my crazier days back when I was a strip club regular. Probably because the girls who don't make the cut will be working there soon. But to make it more awkward one of the 3 Black girls danced to Fever and was basically humping the floor for 30 seconds out of her minute long dance. Okay I know NFL cheerleaders are supposed to be hot and nice to look at but be a little subtle about it, don;t literally dance like a stripper especially for your final dance in front of the judges. Then there was that awkward moment when contestant 78 never showed up so they played her song while the other girls on stage at the time awkwardly stood there before one of the hosts finally explained that the girl who was supposed to dance to that song never showed up. Not that I care but what were you doing number 78 that was more important than this? You literally stood in line for hours to try out to be a Patriots cheerleader, made it to a 1/95 final list and basically had a 33% chance of making the team just to not show up for the final audition! I know I've blown some big opportunities but damn girl, you gone fucked up!

For whatever reason, the judges decided to have all the finalists tell a random fact about themselves while they calculated their final choices. Apparently out of the 95 finalists, 60 go to a two week boot camp before they pick the final 34 girls for the roster. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to bring these girls out one last time to tell random facts about themselves but who ever it was should be shot immediately no questions asked because it was every bit as awkward as it sounds. Some of the facts were so lame, not sure if it's because the girls were so stupid or just live that boring of a fucking life that even all the random perverts friends and family members in the audience hardly clapped or there was dead silence. My top 3 faves...the girl who said she was trying out for the 9th time and would never give up. My inner gay black man came out when I heard this and I yelled - Oh honey no! If they haven't picked you by now, they are never going to plus not that I should talk because I am 31 but if you have been trying out for 9 years, that means you are at least 27 now, it's time to give up the dream. Another girl claimed she could hit the bulls eye on a target from 50 yards away with a bow and arrow, is it wrong that I wanted her to prove this? No seriously I wanted her to prove it. Mostly because I think she was full of shit and the tools that were hosting this stupid event would have probably got impaled by an arrow. My personal theory is that she watched the Hunger Games before her auditions, couldn't think of anything, so just lies and pretended she was the next Jennifer Lawrence. Finally the best one and there is no topping this EVER!! Was the girl who bragged that she started a charity for people in 3rd world countries by sending choreographers over to these countries to teach them how to dance.....yeah I'm sure starving people who barely have any clothes or shoes to wear  really appreciate their dance lessons but I'm thinking they want help with more important things like food, clothing, shelter, and not being murdered slash seeing all their female family members raped by the war lord who is currently running that country. Just a theory, unless there is some fucked up version of Dancing With The Stars in Africa where the winner gets to feed his village for the rest of their life. Then by all means go for it! Yes I know I am going to hell, I accepted this fact a long time ago. Here's a video of her charity choreography put to good use...

To top off that wonderful night, I came home and watched Lockup: Extended Stay. What the fuck else am I supposed to watch at 4 am on Sunday morning? Normally, I get bored with this show pretty fast, if you have seen one rapist/murderer make toilet hooch and a shank out of a toothbrush, you've seen them all...but not that night. Thank God I kept it on! For upon that night, or early morning depending on how you look at it, I met Krak Rok. For those of you not cool enough to know, Krak Rok was one of the featured prisoners in the episode, who when not serving hard time, is a "rapper" that wears clown make up for some reason and calls himself Krak Rok because according to him, all good musicians have to do drugs. And he wanted to be subtle about it... When I looked up Mr. Krak Rok on the Youtubes, I was not disappointed. I found this lovely video.





First of all, This fucker has almost 800 subscribers to his Youtube channel, and his videos have been viewed over 50,000 times. By comparison, I have 1 subscriber and about 100 views on my Youtube channel. That doesn't make me wanna kill myself or anything. But yeah, first of all the song is called "Eat Shit and Die". I was trying to find the one called "Pig Farm" but I couldn't! Second, why is his face painted like a baseball. Third, it looks like he's performing in someones basement or a divebar for about 5 people, and I thought some of my comedy show locations and audiences were sad. His were worse! See the fat guy rocking out in the background? He was one of the guys that came to pick Krak Rok up when he got released from prison. Sadly, this was probably the highlight of these guys lives. And now they sit back in their shared prison cell and think back to that one time seven years ago, that they were on a show on MSNBC that airs on weekends at 4 in the morning. There's probably hundreds of people watching. What? He hasn't posted a new song since 2012 so I can only assume him and his fat friends went back to jail to do some more crack rock. Oh and here is the lovely bio he wrote on Youtube about himself...

"I am a artist and I paint with my tongue killer kazoo is where I hail from, gun ru

 616 I Impale sum Morlock records is what I rep son"

Don't forget to donate here... and if you would like to donate to me in person or buy one of my 

hilarious shirts, here are my upcoming performances... 

Tuesday 4/4- Dangerfields Comedy Club in NYC. Tickets are $15 @ the door

Tuesday 4/11- Hartford Funnybone Open Mic. Free show @ 7:30pm

Tuesday 4/18- Dante's in Stratford. Free show @ 7pm, you just have to buy food and drink

Friday 4/21- Cabot Comedy Club in Chicopee Mass @10:30pm. Tickets are $10 and can be

purchased online or at the door.

Thursday 5/4- Comix Mohegan Sun @10pm. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased online or at the door. 

Thursday 5/18- Comix Mohegan Sun @10pm. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased online or at the door.

gofundme.com/robertsnewvan

IM A FRIEND OF TRASH BOAT

Does that make me VIP status everywhere I go? I'm thinking if I'm friends with her it most certainly does. Second only to being friends with the President. I don't want to say his last name because I fear hes like Beetlejuice or Voldemort, that if I mention him too much he'll appear. Anyway since I'm too lazy too re write the whole trash boat story and my workers are far too stupid to write it twice... Here's the FB status I made:

"Despite my best efforts to be nicer lately, it's really hard when Facebook suggests I friend request someone named Trash Boat that lives in Texas, and asked if I know someone named Andree Thompson.... I'm a white guy from Cheshire do you think I know these fuckers?! Please take offense I love angry comments... Okay I friend requested Trash Boat out of morbid curiosity and she is everything I thought she would be from the stalking I did. You think she goes by trash, trashy, or miss boat? Or if she's married is it Mrs. Trash Boat I want to be PC. Hopefully she accepts so I can ask her." Also, check out the hot pictures of Miss Trash Boat.

Okay so the first photo is a real boat of trash, the second photo, is some band named Trash Boat, apparently they are from England and judging by the high quality photo of them, they spent about $5 or pounds in their case, of their mom's hard earned money to take that glamour shot in their high school gymnasium circa 1994.  I bet their first music video was shot in black and white with an old guy running around for no reason. What? that's what every emo band in the mid 90s did. Okay so they aren't from the mid 90s, but that's not the point. In the third photo, if you cant tell, that's her 100% sober.  As you can tell how sober she is in the fourth photo of her pictured with a beer in her hand. And if you look really closely to the third picture, you can see cut marks on her arm! As if calling yourself Trash Boat wasn't a big enough cry for help. I think the cutting and the artwork really sends the message home Miss Boat.

I really need to start performing again, and trying to get people to buy my stupid shirts or get people to donate to my Gofundme. I'll put an updated list of my upcoming shows at the end of this post. My finacnes have gotten so bad that I can't afford the monthly payment of $10.12 for Netflix any longer and I had to send myself $3.50 through Square Cash today just to buy some food. I need my food stamps back! God I have become the white trash that hates everyone who wants or inappropriately receives government handouts, but bitch when I don't get my Social Security and food stamps at the start of every month.... or as I like to call them Trump supporters, can't wait til they realize that he is going to do everything in his power to cut or eliminate these programs. I'm lucky enough to have a mom who lets me mooch off her, even if she does complain every time I ask her for $20. I don't know, what all these people that don't have nice moms who make a decent living and are fully capable of working full time jobs are going to do. Although my mom told me she wants to get rid of our house within 10 years... I'm guessing I'm not included in the plans of where she is headed after that. If I'm still rolling around on this earth, I'd be rolling straight to the nursing home.

Now to rant about why I'm such an asshole... mentally despite what most people think, I am of sound mind and fully aware and capable of realizing the consequences of the choices I make. Despite this, at least two of my workers make me feel like I'm mentally retarded and that they are going to run to my mommy, or the state run agency who pays them half the time. Every time I piss them off or fuck up, well if you're going to threaten me and keep doing shit to piss me off, yeah I'm going to piss you off on purpose. Yes, I know I'm almost 32, don't work, and pathetically rely on my mom for way too much, but I'm not fucking retarded and I'm a grown ass man. Stop threatening to tattle tale on me. By the way, it's also most of my lovely workers faults that I can't get a fucking job. I would love to do anything just to start making money so I can eventually become independent of my mom(not in a negative way), but they make it almost impossible. Besides the fact that most of them only put up with me for less than a year because I'm a raging dick, but since I'm always trying to find people to help me, how am I supposed to find steady employment when I rely on them to help me with it? But here's an even greater explanation of why I'm a huge dick. Let's take the most recent example of a job I was trying to get. I'm trying to get a job being a Stat keeper for the Hartford Yard Goats this season. It only pays $30 a game, but it's better than nothing and I know a lot about baseball. Do you think any of the girls who work for me want to help me get this job? So we can actually leave my house once in a while? Oh no no no, in the words of Paul Heyman, look it up non-wrestling fans.

The first girl bitched when I had to email a copy of my resume and then answer a few follow up questions to prove I know facts about baseball. Cause ya know, she had to type a couple sentences. Then they mailed me a sample game so I could download the software on my computer, fill out the game, and send it back, as they stated, as soon as possible, because the positions are first come first serve. The DVD has been sitting at my house for more than two weeks... do you think it's even been started yet? Oh no no no... Why? Because the fucking software you use to keep score is about as complicated as cracking the genetic code and I cant figure out which of the geniuses/ former strippers/ stupid whores(as one worker calls them, not even my words)/ assistants to Stephen Hawking is going to help me with this monumental task! First of all they don't know shit about shit, unless it involves recreational drug use, shopping, binge drinking, unexpected pregnancies, or falling on a black dick they haven't liked! And yes these are the future nurses, occupational therapists. physical therapists, and welfare recipients of the world...I shit you not! One of them was amazed the other day when I told her not only was it March, but it was Monday not Tuesday. I can't make this shit up I swear on my dead father! And I consider that a good day, because half the time I'm left wondering if their even gonna show up, and which cat I should appoint to take care of me in their absence... they don't fucking care. House fire? Somehow Robert will get himself out despite not having any arm or leg movement. Home invasion? Well, atleast people in Cheshire become famous after that so I wont have financial problems anymore, assuming I survive. If not my mom can write a NYT best seller! Moms away on a business trip or vacation? Whatever, somehow Flappy will put Robert to bed, if not he can sleep in his chair by the fireplace, he will survive 12 hours on his own with his garage wide open and doors unlocked! That's safe right? Sadly, these are all really things I had to think about lately with the A-list group I've got working for me. Sadly, there is about an average of 5 hours a week, every week, where I'm home alone despite my mom paying for 24/7 care. Yet, I thoroughly enjoy these five hours, because there is no drama, no one screaming yelling or bitching at me, I'm not being blamed for anything, and my A crew isn't fighting amongst each other  about how my mom forgot to pay them $5.00, or $7.00 for a movie ticket, again not making this up!

So yeah, because of the snow storm, I spent 31 hours with my mom, but it actually wasn't that bad, and it was nice to have a break from the drama, but the worst thing my mom yells about is the sink being dirty. She doesn't make accusations on social media, that I'm a sex fiend obsessed with crazy bitches who have done time in juvy and the psych ward. Okay my mom has probably thought that, but she hasn't written it! The best reason why I spent 31 hours with just her, because God forbid the ex wife spend a day and a half with me, although she claims to love and care about me so much that she wont even spend her birthday with me, but that's a post for another day. Also, she constantly complains about not having enough money. Here's a great idea, work a 40 hour shift with me every week and see how much money you will have. Oh wait, you wouldn't know because you do the bare minimum to pay your bills, because God forbid you save up for something one day when your roommate, Robert, or Robert's mom can pay for it instead! The other great part to this story is that one of the new workers, we'll call her Bozo the Clown, or Bozo for short. She was supposed to work a 24 hour shift and ride the snow storm out with me. Now I knew the storm was supposed to start at 4am, and I usually go to bed with the ex wife between 1-2 am, and of course she had to bitch and moan the whole time until she left. I offered Bozo to come in at midnight, when she got off her other job at 11pm, but do you think she would come in? Oh no no no, that would be far too simple. And do you think she would text me that she wasn't coming? Oh no no no, well she did at 2:30 pm when she was supposed to be here at 8 am, with some story about how she got pulled over on the highway and her car got towed driving on the highway during the travel ban, allegedly. Me cries bullshit. First of all, you live in Meriden and your mom lives in Southington, so no matter whose house you were coming from you don't have to take the highway to my house in Cheshire. Second of all, I tried to tell you this would happen, and that's why you should come BEFORE the snow, but of course you couldn't. Then, the travel ban was over at 5pm and you normally work the overnight shift Tuesdays approximately 9pm to 10 am, but could you come in for that? Oh no no no... Why? Because your car got "towed" but yet, first thing this morning, there you were at my house, with a ride from your friend, to supposedly pick up your check, and get your car back. Of course you could get a ride to my house first thing in the morning when money is involved. Sadly I'm not surprised, what was I expecting? You used to be friends with bitch face and tried to have her cousin work for me. Uh yeah, like I'll ever let bitch face's cousin in my house. I don't care how bad their relationship is, or how distant a relative she is to bitch face. I'm starting to think that bitch face and bozo are secretly conspiring together to make me go crazy, which actually would make a lot of sense. Bozo did start when bitch face left. And bitch face knew she was coming in, plus they both spent time in juvy, the psych ward, had bastard children, collect food stamps and welfare, and were childhood friends. I haven't seen this big a conspiracy since the Kennedy assassination. I'M MEDIA, I'm out, I'm goin' to pour a 40 on the curb for my fallen comrade Griff Jenkins and his camera woman Kathy, RIP you big tools, by the way they aren't really dead don't worry.

Upcoming Shows:
Friday 3/17- VFW Pawcatuck  CT, free show even though its far and a friday night, me performing for a bunch of war vets on st. patty's day...I'm sure it'll go fantastic!
Tuesday 4/4- Dangerfield Comedy Club in NYC, tickets $15 at door, and this time I'm going damnit
Friday 4/14- Cabot Comedy Club in Chiccopee MA, tix $10 and can be bought online or at door. It's a Friday even though it's far so please come support me.
Tuesday 4/18- Dante's in Stratford, free but you have to buy dinner and a drink, please come support me, I can win $50 or $100 and a spot in the finals.
Sat 5/13- Havent booked yet, due to lack of funds, but if I come up with $200 I'm going to do a show at 7pm @ the Cheshire Youth Center next to Cheshire High so I can pay myself and fellow comics some money for performing. It will also be a fundraiser for my van. Tickets will be $10 if it happens.
Thursday 5/18- Comix Mohegan Sun @ 10pm. Tix are $10 and can be bought online or at the door.

Finally if you read all this and still don't hate me, please donate to my new van Gofundme.. the link is here

Why I Hate My State!

Not that this is his fault, but it's too funny a picture to not use. No I will not be voting for you again, but I hope you enjoy that hot dog Governor!

I know I always write about how much I hate Connecticut, or as I like to call it, Crapnecticut, but today was I ever proven correct as too why it sucks so bad. First of all, my food stamps got cancelled, yeah, I get them and no I won't apologize for it. I mean if she who shall not be written about qualifies for them, since she popped out of her moms vag, ew I even grossed myself out with that one, than why shouldn't I? Between my two bank accounts I have like, negative $1,500, and probably over $15,000 in credit card debt. Why? Because I make terrible life choices and try to help shitty people who don't deserve it. Yes, I'm talking about the ex wife and she who shall not be written about. But they decided to mail my letter on March 6th, telling me they were cancelled as of February 28th, and also sent me a letter saying I had to do a phone interview as part of the renewal process on Friday night March 3rd, when they are only open M-F 8-4. Did I mention the phone interview had to be done by March 7th. So just to make sure they weren't cancelled, which turns out not to matter, I called them at 2:30 on Monday March 6th, to sound like my best disabled friend, I shit you not I was on hold and did not get to do the phone interview until 3:55, but keep in mind they close at 4. Luckily, the interview only took a minute or two. However, when I called today, ready for what the problem was?! I didn't send them a tax return for selling items on Ebay and being a Journalist. First of all, I make no where near $600 a year, the amount you have to make to file a tax return for a job doing either one of those things. And second, they said I made an average of $6.52 a month being a Journalist in 2015. Holy shit, somebody call President Trump because apparently I'm committing Tax Fraud and illegal wire taps with my $6.52 a month in Journalism profits. I know this blog is terrible and lots of fucked up people like reading it, but trust me, I don't make shit writing it.


Good Lord, no wonder everybody flees this state as fast as they can. Every time I watch a sports show with a former ESPN personality, they always say how happy they are to be out of Connecticut and in warm California, especially during the winters. In my lifetime we had one professional sports team worth writing about, and they even left 20 years ago for North Carolina! Have you been to North Carolina?! Even people who live there, don't want to live there, never mind play hockey. All they care about is their trailer park insurance, keeping their guns, no tobacco taxes, and who won the Nascar race last Sunday. Ironically, the Carolina Hurricanes, who used to be the Hartford Whalers, are rumored to be looking to move out of North Carolina too. Our Governor is so dumb, he thinks that somehow he can get the New York Islanders to move here.... Sure Malloy, they'll come here as soon as the Whalers come back. You can't even build a fucking baseball stadium in Hartford correctly after 3 years, and you think an NHL team is gonna look at that and say "Yeah, I cant wait to play in that building that also used to be a mall and had its roof collapse 35 years ago".

When I think hockey, I always think, "where can I get a good pair of pants after the game". And possibly die of crush injuries. Yeah yeah they fixed the roof and the malls gone now but that's not the point!

Just to show how dumb and useless the people that work for this state are, when I called today to see why my food stamps were cancelled I was again on hold from 2:30-3:30. Then I was told to call another number to reset my online password to upload a letter I had to write and sign saying I did not make enough money through selling items on Ebay and being a Journalist to not qualify for food stamps as of the first of this year and date it. Yep, apparently that $6.52 a month really makes all the difference to the state of CT. If I could get $150 a month so I dont starve my fat ass to death. Apparently, for she who shall not be written about with her drug, mental health, bastard child problems, its no problem for her to sit on the couch stoned every month and get them, fuck maybe I'll just pop out a few kids so I can get more money like she did. Then I call the number to reset my password, and it told me to call the wrong number. Then the bitch on the phone at that number, who was incredibly rude, told me to call a different number. Yeah, so I call that number, I get some angry guy on the phone who keeps yelling he can't hear or understand me. Well yeah asshole you cant hear or understand me on the phone because of my disability. But you wont talk to my workers because the account is in my name, so what the fuck would you like me to do. So when I ever so nicely asked if I could talk to someone who wasnt mentally retarded on the phone, he put me on hold and then hung up. Ironically when I called back, the Indian guy who answered had no problem understanding me. Do you think my password reset worked then? Of course not! Luckily that office is open until 5, so I had to call again at 4:30 to reset it again. It finally worked, and I uploaded the letter I wrote, but of course by the time I did all this, it as after 5. So I'm going to have to call again tomorrow, to see if the letter properly uploaded online, and probably be on hold for another 60-90 minutes. Don't worry I also mailed a copy of the letter and made copies of it because it's the state and I'm sure they will lose it! All this just to get $152 a month in foodstamps. Yeah, other states may not have services, but if they are as hard to access and get to as Connecticuts, then what difference does it make. I'm going into the amatuer porn business. With all the random nude photos and vids I get from random bitches who feel sorry for my fat crippled ass, and once I start making money from it, I'm paying off my debts and getting the fuck out of here faster than a baby pops out of she who shall not be written about's vagina! Sadly, I wish I was kidding but I'm not. Donate to my gofundme if you don't feel like being a dick, at least this way I can live in my new wheelchair van in Florida!

 The Whaler's support my gofundme, I think I'm allowed to say that because they no longer are technically a team.

gofundme.com/robertsnewvan

IF you wanna know where I'm performing check older blog posts, not that anyone ever comes to see me anyways. 

People Herpes Never Die!

 First off, this is going to be short, sweet and too the fucking point, because I'm losing my voice for some reason. With my luck I'm getting sick. #crippleproblems And second, I've been doing lots of stupid shit on here besides writing this. And third, here comes tipsy! Not the family dog, it was me as a toddler runnin' with a sippy cup! None of you got that last sentence, but it's fine, you don't deserve too.

(*Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

Before I delete it off of my social media, here she is to wreck the day...I think she's stoned in this picture but it's okay because I look it too.

***DISCLAIMER*** THIS PHOTO IS ONE I HAVE TAKEN OFF MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AND THEREFORE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE IT IN MY POST. THIS IS NOT ALLEGED BITCHFACE, JUST SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THE ALLEGED BITCHAFCE CHARACTER I WRITE ABOUT.

Anyways, bitchface strikes again! Hopefully for the last time! Of course she told my mother she never received her final paycheck, which we all know is bullshit, and shouldn't even be sent to you since you made up these alleged hours you "worked", but that's besides the point because my mom is a lot nicer person than I am, and just wants you to GO THE FUCK AWAY. Oh yeah, and stop texting her, because YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE! Don't worry, she stopped payment on the first one so when you go to cash both, which I pray you do because your dumb ass will get arrested for check fraud, you wont be able to cash it. Sucks to suck bitchface, and you suck better than a straw! How many bitchfaces does it take to understand a restraining order?! Didn't they teach you about those in rehab or the psych ward... Apparently not. Or you missed that day in school...wait you never finished school. Typical New Britain trash, could you be anymore of a stereotype?! 22, unemployed puerto rican collecting social security along with both your parents, and foodstamps and welfare while your parents raise your bastard child"younger brother" because they are too religious to admit that you popped a baby out of your slut hole at 15. Too bad, you could've been on that MTV show, you're just as trashy as the rest of those bitches. Fuck, no wonder he is autistic, because you were on drugs the entire time you were pregnant. At least I figured out why you had to drop out of school. Fuck, I should be a police detective, I'm good at this shit.

Back to my original point, bitchface was too dumb too block one of my current workers(one of her former friends)...gee I wonder why they ain't friends anymore... on Facebook, right away, so guess what bitchface, she saw all your statuses about me. Since we're not supposed to be talking about each other on social media, or the internet. But whatever, I am too. So whatever you know where I live, maybe you can send more cops to my house at 4 am, I'm pretty sure I'm protected by the first amendment. Thank you college, something bitchface could only get into if it was Clown or Hamburger U! However, because of this it gave me the satisfaction of knowing that my statuses and blog posts, and pranks are doing a GREAT job at pissing you off! I haven't been that happy in years. Anything to make your life miserable. Also she claims that I'm delusional, psychotic, and so obsessed with her that I can't let it go because I'm madly in love with her. Bitch, you look like Ronald McDonald's daughter... I AM NOT in love with you, maybe when I was 5 and my fat ass had a thing for Ronald McDonald's daughter... but not now. Gimpy told me you were an easy slut, so I know if I threw some dollars at you, literal dollars, you would pretty much do whatever I wanted. And I fucking hate Gimpy too, but she was right! You think every guy that meets you in madly in love with you and brag how 40 guys a day message you on social media, but no that just means they think you're an easy whore, and I mean they are right. But trust me honey, they are not in love with you, they just wanna get their dicks wet. And I'm sure you've satisfied many customers. I mean, she doesn't do it for free. But they best part is, and I know this will burn you when you read it.... No non ghetto, non drug dealing trash is EVER going to want to take your ass home to mom... Fuck, the guy you dated for years was a coke head and he even got sick of your crazy cheating ass. If you can't keep Mr. White Lines, I don't think you're getting any self respecting man to put a ring on it or produce more children with you. Maybe some rich married guy will keep you as a side bitch, but that's the best you can hope for. Looks fade with age to be honest, so by the time your mama's age you'll be pullin' in fake welfare checks just like her... The apple don't fall too far from the tree! You'll probably have 5 kids with 5 different baby daddies, but at least you'll get a bigger welfare check that way! Always a smart plan, especially since that's what your parents encourage. Like Kanye says, "she have one of yo' kids, got you for 18 years". Here's a picture of Kanye making a Bitch face in honor of bitchface.

Before I really do get arrested, this will be my last blog post addressing the bitchface issue (allegedly). I love writing about her, and she is a comedic gift that keeps on giving. But... I ain't goin' to jail for NO bitch. So bitchface, I'll leave you with this: I honestly am not crazy, I'm not obsessed with you, I do not miss you working for me, and I was never madly in love with you, past or present tense. Did I use you to make the ex wife jealous? Absolutely I fucking did. So this is goodbye, I won't miss your crazy ass and I honestly hope you straighten your life out, and wish nothing but the best for you. Shocking I wrote that, I know, but I actually mean it. But I'm assuming you're always going to be the piece of shit you are. So good luck getting high, watching Sausage Party on endless re-runs while you pass out on the couch in your parents section 8 house, while all three of you collect welfare, until Trump deports your ass and takes those sweet welfare checks away! Plus the ex wife and the other traveling circus that works for me give me plenty of good stories to write about, so I don't need to write about you anymore. Adios Puta!


Finally remember awhile back when I wrote about the "original mom's" husband blowing me up with text messages on election day?To leave her alone and stay out of her life, even though she hadnt worked for me in 6 months? Oh and lets not forget the ex wife insists she doesnt even think about me anymore, I am an afterthought to her. Well that's funny guys, cause guess who poked me on Facebook the other day? ORIGINAL MOM!!! And here is the proof! Or in honor of the Oscars... do you like apples?! How do you like DEM APPLES! It's from an Oscar winning movie assholes!

I have nothing against her anymore, and I really dont care that she was stalking my facebook, but tell your husband and the ex wife, your new bestie, that I had NOTHING to do with this poking business. And I did not poke back for the record, nor will I ever. I don't know what you do for a living now, but do not ever become an undercover police officer, because you suck at it. Not everyone can figure out bitchface has a bastard child that they pretend is her little brother, okay one of my workers helped me with that theory, but I really think it's true and I'm taking the credit for it.

Come see me perform at Dangerfield's Comedy Club this Monday in NYC! Tickets are $15 at the door and I'm super proud to be performing there. If you don't know my other shows by now, check out my last blog post. So much for this being short.

(*Just to emphasize again... Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

Cripple Criminal

So last night was one of the more interesting nights of my life. I almost went to jail. The fucked up part is I didn't even care. Honestly, it would've been worth it to me. But the only thing I felt bad for, was that they were threatening to take my worker in if bitchface wanted to press charges, or so they say. Me thinks they full of shit! When they arrived at my house, you could practically see a cloud of smoke after I told them to either arrest me or get out of my house. Yes, I really said that. I'm not scared or intimidated by anybody. Where to begin with my hatred this time! There is just so many people I want to direct it towards.

First, of course I would like to direct it towards bitchface. Yeah, I was immature and had a bunch of food delivered to her house, and posted her address and phone number on craigslist with a free ad for a top of the line sears washer and dryer. And sure, the food showed up, along with her phone being blown up by assholes wanting the washer and dryer, because I said to call anytime any day. Yes, the only reason I took it down is because the cops basically said my worker that helped me write it would be arrested if I didn't. Technically, I'm the one who told her what to write. And second of all, good luck proving who was working that night. Plus the cops also informed us that bitchface said I write harassing blog posts about her and they would be monitoring what I write. So first of all I'd like to say hi to the pigs at Cheshire and Berlin PD! That's right, I had cops from two towns at my house cause I keep it classy. Second, they're not harassing, they are just facts, and I can prove they are facts. Third, even though President Trump is trying to get rid of it, there's a little thing called the first amendment, which gives me the right to say and write anything I want! So here is some facts for you, bitchface is thetown bicycle of Berlin, everyone has had a ride, and the best part is she tells people she's only been with five dudes. Maybe she meant for the month of January 2017, cause that aint for your lifetime. And if anyone is dumb enough to believe that, I have some land in a swamp in Florida to sell you! Plus she and her father both deal drugs out of their section 8 house in Berlin. I keep trying to tell the cops this but they don't seem to believe me, even though bitchface and her father both have records, psychiatric and criminal. Plus, as previously mentioned, and I'll remind you here, her parents aren't technically married so therefore her father is not supposed to be living in that section 8 house with them, but he does. Also, he collects social security because he's so fucking nuts that he qualifies, still works under the table jobs...which you're not supposed to do when you collect social security. I'm on it I would know! Yeah so one time bitchface told me he tried to strangle her to death, too bad he failed. He would've done the world a favor and he would be where he belongs, in prison. Hey bitchface, I know you're still reading this because you have nothing better to do then smoke weed and sit on your couch and fuck guys all day for money, and girls sometimes too allegedly... but we all know it's true. By the way, all this stuff I wrote is alleged, or so I'll say because that's how you can talk shit about people and get away with it. Thank you Quinnipiac Journalism Grad Program for teaching me something. Mom, you didn't waste that 50 grand. Stuff I learned in there and high school is probably what kept me out of jail last night. Plus I watch way too much Law and Order and How To Get Away With Murder... and that one time I wanted to be a lawyer, until I realized what a fat lazy piece of shit I am and that, ya know, it would require hard work.

And the other people that pissed me off last night where the cops themselves. You would think with all the bad publicity they've been getting that they might not want to be dicks to a disabled man... but oh no, why would that stop them?! I live by a very simple rule. I treat you, as you treat me, no matter what I've heard about you or how I feel about you. Living here my whole life, I know most of the cops are assholes. For the record I am not saying they all are, just most. But I would be too if I had to deal with annoying ass people that live in my town. That being said, Cheshire cop shows up to my house last night with a Berlin cop. First of all it was 4:40 am on a Sunday morning, and you just show up ringing my doorbell, knocking loudly, and shining your bright ass flashlights in my windows. It tax season and my mom works 80 hours a week assholes. You're lucky you didn't wake her up or I would've been even more of a dick. And to top it off you came into MY HOUSE with a attitude like you're better than me, and if there's one thing you want to do to trigger Tyshawn(My crazy alter ego), is coming up to me like you're better than me. I'm not excusing the immature prank I played, and sure I lied to try to avoid a more annoying situation, but he was such an asshole. I tried to tell him nicely when he first came in, and my worker also repeated this later on, that this girl has been making my life a living hell for a month, threatening and trying to blackmail my mom and I. While she's doing and selling drugs and God only knows what other illegal activities... to top it off she says we owe her 35 hours, which we don't. But my mom sent her a check for it anyway just to get her to go the fuck away, and of course now she is claiming she never got it but I saw my mom mail it. So yeah, I had enough, snapped, and tried to play a stupid joke on her. But fuck, you would too if somebody was torturing you and your mother like that! But yeah, asshole cop thought he was smarter and superior to me by saying "Oh how did you know people are calling and texting her I never said that." Um because I use Craigslist all the fucking time to sell shit and hire workers and find hookers like bitchface to help me. Just kidding mom, I promise I've never hired a hooker on Craigslist. So yeah, that was when I said, and I believe this is word for word as I remember it, "I'm smart, I have two college degrees, and I'm not playin' these games where you think you can outsmart and intimidate me. Plus I know a lot of lawyers, so either you're going to arrest me right now or get out of my house". And they knew there was nothing they could do because they did leave my house immediately once I told them too. They had no warrant or evidence to stay and look around. I know my rights damn it... thanks to all the hippies I hung out with during my years at Southern. The only thing I felt bad for was my worker taking the fall for my shit. So honestly, no I won't be doing that again. But for the record I am NOT sorry, if I could write it myself, and do it all over again by myself, I would. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I can't keep doing things to piss her off other than write about her on here.

Honestly I'm a little curious as to how it would've worked if they did try to arrest me. I mean, they can't put my fat cripple ass in the back of a cop car. They damn sure wouldn't have 24/7 workers in the prison to take care of me, and if something happened to me during transport or while in there they would be liable. On top of that, I don't think they would be chopping up my pills and giving me my medication while I was in there. Fuck on second thought maybe I should've let them arrest me, I could've won a huge lawsuit. I only reach for the highest goals.

Anyway, if you would like to see me perform and tell this story in person, because it's definitely going in my comedy routines, here's a few of my upcoming shows:
March 1st Anna Liffey's Open Mic, I'm probably going there to meet a friend but its free to get in so come see me.
March 8th New Haven Show at 5pm, also free to get in, and I think it's finally happening this time.
March 14th Hartford Funnybone Open Mic
March 17th Pawactuck VFW at 7pm, free to get in and it's a Friday night so no excuses!
March 21st Dante's in Stratford, I win money if I come in first or second, and the audience vote is 25% of the score. It's free to get in you just have to buy some good food and drinks and support my hairy cripple ass. Please, I've gone through a lot as you can see. I need this!

Check out this hot flyer I'm in... I look as miserable as one of my former workers looked in all her pictures! Everybody else is on stage, looking happy doing comedy, and there's ole' me chillaxin' in my dining room! One of these things is not like the other.

You can't fix crazy

Sadly I wish I could to get certain people out of my life. But at least it's inspiration for my shirt/stand-up comedian career. You should buy this shirt and help me prevent people herpes. Picture below. Buy one at cripplecreation.com right here

People herpes...people that you think are out of your life but always find a way to pop back up. I thought crazy pot smoking bitch was out of my life but today she decided to reappear in a massive way. I should have known that she was going to she just reemerged like the creature from the black lagoon from Florida late Sunday/ early Monday morning. Apparently I owe her money for 3 nights she worked (but really didn't). Luckily my mom is smart enough to known this and asked me before ignoring her texts. Did I mention the Cheshire police department specifically told her not to contact me or any of my family members and she did anyways, wheels crossed she gets arrested because that will make me piss my pants laughing. Luckily for her the cop that is in charge of our case is on vacation this week. But I know she still has her minions reading this so I just wanted to say hi, to all you crazy bitches. Legit crazy, chick did time in the psych hospital but what do you expect when your dad is schizo and your mom can never leave the house without having an anxiety attack. I'm starting to see why this chick had no chance of not being crazy. Since I don't actually owe her shit, all I can figure is she blew all her money in Florida on drugs and god only knows what else, so she figured she'd hit my mom up for money one more time. My mom won't even give me $20 to get my hair cut, you think she is going to pay you for 35 hours at 13.50 an hour? Perhaps you should check back into that psych hospital.

But then it gets better today. One of my former workers, who ironically is on vacation in Florida right now, asked me when I was going to send her her last check because she hasn't been working for me for a month and still hadn't received it. When I asked my mom, she said the girl had already cashed it. But the girl insisted she hadn't and unlike most of the workers I hire she's pretty normal and trustworthy so I believe her, so I told my mom to call the bank. When she did, apparently somebody named Chris Cammalletti or something similar to that had endorsed it to himself from the girl who was supposed to get the check. Ironically it was cashed yesterday the same day that crazy bitch returned from her Florida vacation. Crazy bitch and this worker also have similar names and as I'll show with the pictures below it looks like a retarded kindergartner signed the check and crazy bitch never graduated high school. Also here is a real signature of the girl that was supposed to get this check and as you can see it looks nothing like her real signature.

My guess is crazy bitch somehow got a hold of this check and probably gave it to a drug dealer she owed money to! Because sure enough when my mom looked up the Chris name it goes back to some guy from Waterbury that's been arrested on a bunch of charges in the past one of them being drug distribution. Shocker and one hell of a coincidence if crazy bitch wasn't involved. But then again Donald Trump became president so then again I guess anything is possible. 




In happier news as you can see at the end of this paragraph just like most other things in life I also suck at bowling now. There was a time I was usually good! What? I always joke I'm a 60 year old man trapped in a 31 year old body. Plus my dad ran a bowling league for disabled kids for ten years so I used to be good, my high score is a 172. And the highest possible score is 300 for those of you not cool enough to know. I'm not sure why the lady working printed it out for us but I'm pretty sure it's because she thought I was MR (mentally retarded)....I mean I know there's a group home that goes bowling every Tuesday night there, and as much as I'm most likely ending up living in one of them I don't actually yet.

Finally it is $200 to rent the hall on May 13th for that show I want to put on in Cheshire. So if I sell tickets at $10 I need to sell at least 20, probably more after renting a mic and speakers to at least break even haha! Most likely I will go for it, I just need the $200 for the rental hall when I go to reserve it, which I don't presently have. Hopefully I will come up with it before that day. Here is a reminder of the upcoming sit-down comedy shows I have;

Tomorrow - 520 whalley avenue in New Haven from 5 pm-7pm and it's free and early so you should come see me! 
Thursday 2-9 and 2-23 (weather permitting) Comix Mohegan Sun at 10 pm and tickets are only $10! 
March 17th Pawactuck VFW in Pawactuck CT at 7 pm and it's free so you assholes better come see me because it's also on Friday night so you have no excuse not too!
March 21st at 7 pm at Dante's Restaurant and Bar in Stratford CT free to get in just have to buy food and drink so please come see me, the food is not even that expensive there!

I liiiiike it, yes I do, I dooooo

I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was preforming for a church group, and here's your fuckin' bus driver!
Watch this video, it may be the greatest comedian/comedic performance that you'll ever see.

 I've only been doing Comedy for six months, but this guy has been at it for eight years. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I do the same shows as him...but I hope if I'm still rollin' around this earth in eight years, to be slightly near as talented as he is. Because let's be honest... nobody can top that. Also, I know what you're thinking and sorry ladies, he's married. But he'll happily give you one of his business cards after one of his performances. They're probably going to be worth thousands one day, so I suggest you grab one now. I have the honor and privilege of performing with him again at Comix Mohegan on February 23rd. To say I can't wait would be an understatement. Sure, he won't accept my friend request on Facebook, but he did accept one of my workers, coming from someone that hilarious and talented, I guess that's the best I can hope for.

I'm thinking of putting on a show in Cheshire if I can rent the hall I want to perform in for cheap enough and get the right equipment. Yeah, I'm tired of performing for free, or even better, trying to make people pay for tickets to shows that I'm not even getting paid to perform at. As great as that five minutes of stage time is, and I know it's the only way I would've gotten to perform the Hartford FunnyBone and Comix Mohegan Sun. I'm not talking shit, I don't mind doing shows like that, it's good exposure. And I know that's how you have to work your way into getting paid shows, but I'm gonna try doing it myself, just to see how it goes. Don't worry, Ed Seward will be invited to perform at my showcase, and I can only hope he will say yes. If not, I'll cry harder than when Clay Aiken lost American Idol...just typing that brought a tear to my eye. It's not fair damnit! America wasn't ready for such a beautiful soul. I mean it was only 2003, but now we have a reality show host as a President. I say let's make Clay Aiken great again. Sorry this paragraph went sideways real fast. New shirt idea? I think so!

So I know I've pissed a lot of people off over the years asking for money for a lot of things, but this one even out does me.... Yes a lot of people bitched at me for raising money to go to Vegas for my 30th Birthday(all my other gofundme's were jokes except for wanting a new van, if you had to ride around in that piece of shit you'd understand). But anyway, this pornstar on the snap chat, because I'm a very classy dude, tried to start a gofundme to get a new pair of tits... I shit you not! The best part is she already has massively fake ones, much to her dismay and perverts across the world, it got shutdown. Who would have thought Gofundme has a line, and that someone found out what it is and crossed it. But did this stop this bitch? Hell no! She tried to go to a different crowdfunding website to get her newer faker tits. The fucked up part is there are so many desperate perverted guys out there, that somehow think by donating to this they have a chance with this bitch, who never leaves the West Coast... she's afraid of flying, yeah.. I know way too much about her life! So I'm guessing she will eventually get the money for her fake tits. But I'm an asshole for wanting a new wheelchair ramp van when my current one breaks down all the time, is 12 years old and has more problems than Muslims trying to enter this country, all because I tried to do two Gofundme's in two years. Perverted asshole? You bet I am. But I don't make a living showing my asshole on camera, literally. And did I mention this chick is a mom and is trying to get more donations by promising donors of $20 of more free pictures and $100 or more free videos. Um hello, just go on pornhub or google her name, there are tons of FREE pictures and videos of her all over the internet. Her son is going to be so proud of her when he is old enough to realize mommy is a paid whore. I call it the ex wife's or Cynthia's future around 2025! And the grossest part is, she lets these perverts buy and send things that she then gives to her son to play with. Why don't you just ask Chester the Molester to come violate you and your child in California. Good God, I hate people. I swear to God, when I go to Florida, BECAUSE I'M FUCKING GOING TO FLORIDA, I'm finding a nice crip home and never coming back! Yeah, I'll probably die from mistreatment there, but at least I'll be living where I'm happy. Below is the hoe:

Finally, if you ever want a reason for why certain people should be sterilized, watch the documentary "Stevie" on Netflix. I don't even know where to begin with this train wreck, it's two hours long and I wish it was even longer. The filmmaker was a big brother to Stevie in the early 1980's, and then after 10 years of not speaking to him, he goes to see what ever happened to him. Stevie grew up in rural Illinois, but it's so back ass that it might as well be the town in the movie Deliverance. Time has not been kind to Stevie, he lives in a trailer next to his grandma and sister's trailers, has been in and out of jail and the foster care system, and is currently unemployed collecting social security because he's so fucked up in the head he qualifies for disability. Also, his sister was married at 16 and has it the most together sadly that she's the one taking care of Stevie now. The movie is shot from 1993-1999, and ends after Stevie gets sentenced to 10 years in prison for molesting his eight year old cousin, are any of you surprised by that outcome?The movie sort of made me feel sorry for him because the way his life went, there was no other ending for him. But he is still a disgusting creep in my opinion and throughout the movie dates a mentally disabled girl. Sure Stevie is most definitely slow, but he's not mentally disabled and part of me thinks he likes dating her just because it's like being with a child. But yeah, anyway, the movie ends with Stevie getting his 10 year jail sentence, the filmmaker not sure if he's going to keep talking to Stevie and his family, and Stevie misbehaving in jail so he probably won't get out early for good behavior. Worst of all, his female mullet wearing sister sold all the trailers after he went to jail. She thinks she's livin' the high life now that ole' Stevie is behind bars. But even if he didn't get out early, he still would have gotten out in 2009, without any more offenses haha thats funny, because that definitely didn't happen. But seriously is there a sequel to this documentary? Is Stevie still even alive? Did him and his girlfriend live unhappily ever after? Did his female mullet sister find a new trailer park to live in? I need to know damnit!

Upcoming shows:
2/7 Hartford Funnybone Open Mic- free to get in so you better come out and support me damnit!
2/9 and 2/23 at Comix Mohegan Sun @ 10pm, tickets are $10 and both shows have great line ups!
3/17 Pawcatuck CT, free to get in and it's a Friday night and I need 4 people to come out and support me
3/21 Dante's Stratford CT, free to get in but need to bring 4 people and I'm competing in a contest that night so I really need your support!